From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[yodelwithyu]

Well, since I have done it for the rest, I will post his new email. I guess the other email wasn't a closure email like I thought...?? I don't really have an opinion except the usual, which is no mention of how I might be doing...still mainly about him. I'm not sure anyone is interested anymore, but I figure that the whole story has been put out so far, and maybe one day someone else can relate to what I had to say or what the replies say. So now for the sake of continuity:

 

"I'm not sure what's more frightening. The fact that every time I open this email there's nothing there from you, or the fact the one day you will actually write back. Well I met another [my mother’s name], and of course I told her about you. She works at Burger King and she had only ever met one other [my mother’s name]. I really hope that you are enjoying your time with your mom. She did such a great job raising you and now you need to be there for her, when I'm sure that now she's trying to do the same for you.

 

Love Always,

MM"

 

If I am being completely honest with myself and you guys, if I were to reply it would have gone something like this: I'm not sure what is more frightening. That you will never stop writing to me, or that one day you will. I'm not sending this or anything else.

 

I know it is detrimental, but if I am not truthful here, all hope is lost. I am not strong enough to block him yet. I guess I am still surviving on some breadcrumbs. Silly, huh? All I know is that receiving the email didn't make me overtly upset, or angry or even abundantly happy. But I did get a few good hours of sleep in afterwards. Tiny little baby steps, but it is progress to me.

 

I was glad that he is the last to contact again, because it makes me feel a little less out of control, and frankly, like a little bit less of a loser for when I called him. And of course I am glad that because of last time, now I know if I ever get weak and actually write him back, that I can just go and trash it since he only checks that email every few days (I really hope I don't do this).

 

As always, thanks for reading.

[NewLeaf512]

Well, since I have done it for the rest, I will post his new email. I guess the other email wasn't a closure email like I thought...?? I don't really have an opinion except the usual, which is no mention of how I might be doing...still mainly about him. I'm not sure anyone is interested anymore, but I figure that the whole story has been put out so far, and maybe one day someone else can relate to what I had to say or what the replies say. So now for the sake of continuity:

 

"I'm not sure what's more frightening. The fact that every time I open this email there's nothing there from you, or the fact the one day you will actually write back. Well I met another [my mother’s name], and of course I told her about you. She works at Burger King and she had only ever met one other [my mother’s name]. I really hope that you are enjoying your time with your mom. She did such a great job raising you and now you need to be there for her, when I'm sure that now she's trying to do the same for you.

 

Love Always,

MM"

 

If I am being completely honest with myself and you guys, if I were to reply it would have gone something like this: I'm not sure what is more frightening. That you will never stop writing to me, or that one day you will. I'm not sending this or anything else.

 

I know it is detrimental, but if I am not truthful here, all hope is lost. I am not strong enough to block him yet. I guess I am still surviving on some breadcrumbs. Silly, huh? All I know is that receiving the email didn't make me overtly upset, or angry or even abundantly happy. But I did get a few good hours of sleep in afterwards. Tiny little baby steps, but it is progress to me.

 

I was glad that he is the last to contact again, because it makes me feel a little less out of control, and frankly, like a little bit less of a loser for when I called him. And of course I am glad that because of last time, now I know if I ever get weak and actually write him back, that I can just go and trash it since he only checks that email every few days (I really hope I don't do this).

 

As always, thanks for reading.

 

You are getting peace from your strength. He doesn't ask how you are, how you are feeling, where you are. Frightening is an odd syntax. What do you make of it?

[yodelwithyu]

Frightening is an odd syntax. What do you make of it?

 

Lol, it is odd. This is the only question I had. I can understand that he is apprehensive I haven't gotten back to him to validate his ego, but why is he scared I will write back one day? What will I do? Try and suck him back in? As if he is not trying to do that to me? Stumped.

[OneLov]

Lol, it is odd. This is the only question I had. I can understand that he is apprehensive I haven't gotten back to him to validate his ego, but why is he scared I will write back one day? What will I do? Try and suck him back in? As if he is not trying to do that to me? Stumped.

 

Maybe he was using frightening to describe a state of anxiety? Whether it is genuine or gamesmanship, he may feel anxious over your nonresponse. Based on the information you have provided, it sounds like the latter.

 

But I think the post about your thoughts is the rawest one I have ever seen on this forum. There's no doubt that if anyone has ever loved their AP, each of us has thought that exact same thing of our AP's attempted communication(s) despite them ending it. I know I have thought that exact thing when I saw she sent me a message. Sitting on my hands was one of the hardest things to do. It killed me.

[minimariah]

Lol, it is odd. This is the only question I had. I can understand that he is apprehensive I haven't gotten back to him to validate his ego, but why is he scared I will write back one day? What will I do? Try and suck him back in? As if he is not trying to do that to me? Stumped.

 

i think he is scared of reactivating the relationship and everything else that comes with it. you said in your previous post - he needs you. and he does. that's the truth. and no doubt, he is in love with you. and he has feelings for you that he'd describe as love -- but from my point of view... it's not the kind if love your deserve or need, it's selfish and it doesn't take care of YOUR needs. you know? not every person who loves you is good for you and not every love directed at you is good love.

 

honey... you gotta let him go. and that means not checking that mail anymore. it's prolonging the pain and you deserve so much more.

 

this thread really breaks my heart because what he did is cruel, very. to develop a relationship with you only to kick you down...? that's cruel.

 

you deserve so much more.

[seren]

Yodal, why don't you end this thread and start a new one, one which is all about you, a sort of new beginning and a step to that was then, this is now.

 

Be kind to yourself, set aside time each day to look after your needs, when I went through chemo I used to have a little me kit with lovely lotions and potions, a favopurite scented candle, some cahsmere socks, I bought myself a lovely, expensive lounge type outfit and took long scenty baths with candles and soft music and just had taking care of me times. It became a sort of routine and I so looked forward to them, it helped my recovery a lot.

 

As for the OM, close all ways he can contact you, you don't need negativity, frankly he is not worth your time. I wish you recovery from everything you need healing. Take care of you xx seren

[yodelwithyu]

But I think the post about your thoughts is the rawest one I have ever seen on this forum.

 

Can you tell me which one? I've had a lot of verbal diarrhea about my thoughts on this thread, LOL.

 

Thanks for sharing! I am not having trouble not writing back. But then again, that is how I felt until two weeks ago when I broke and called him to tell him to stop. I think it was a combination of injected hormones, wine and, of course my wasted heart. And in case you missed it, Adele released Hello around the same time.

[yodelwithyu]

and he has feelings for you that he'd describe as love -- but from my point of view... it's not the kind if love your deserve or need, it's selfish and it doesn't take care of YOUR needs. you know? not every person who loves you is good for you and not every love directed at you is good love.

 

honey... you gotta let him go. and that means not checking that mail anymore. it's prolonging the pain and you deserve so much more.

 

((Minimariah))

 

I know I deserve so much more. I have had mostly good love in my life. Not this vile, twisted crazy "love." To date, I can only say that before this, with the exception of a guy i dated for three months in college, I have only been with super nice and kind men. Life got in the way, and things might not have worked out, but I can still honestly say that the two man relationships I have had as an adult were with men I would never have a substantial bad thing to say about, even today, with hindsight.

 

I'm not actually checking a secret email address. I know the password to HIS secret email address, so I meant I can go in a delete even if I have a few hours of weakness and ever write back. He is messaging my main personal/work email address. I cannot change that email address, so I am working up the strength to block him...reading replies and encouragements helps. I guess what I am afraid of is that the not knowing made me more anxious previously, so I don't want that to happen. I may have sad days still, and still think about him all the time, but it is not with panic. But don't worry, I am working on the determination.

 

Also, if he is scared of restarting the relationship, he should stop writing. Hah.

[yodelwithyu]

Yodal, why don't you end this thread and start a new one, one which is all about you, a sort of new beginning and a step to that was then, this is now.

 

Hi Seren, Thanks for your reply. I have tried to start a new thread a couple of times, but it got merged as it still had something to do with exMM. But actually, you are right, I am going to start one about just how I feel soon. I just don't want to have two active threads going at the same time. Our birthdays are a week apart and in a couple of week, so I am sure there will be activity then. Maybe my birthday can be my new beginning!

 

Xoxo

[yodelwithyu]

The last two days I feel like I have been in a bubble underwater. All sights and sounds and tastes have been gaussian blurred with a radius of 22.7 pixels. I have been too tired to think, but I suspect that still my body coming down off the hormones. I am not complaining. Not feeling very much is progress to me, at this point.

 

The world goes slowly on. I wish I was making faster progress, but I guess we all heal in our own time. Had this been a break-up with a single guy I wasn't ready to leave yet, I would have still been getting over him, I think. Yes, the extra anger+gross factors wouldn't have been there, but I would still be nursing my wounded heart. So, for now, it is still one day at a time.

 

Xoxo.

[NewLeaf512]

The last two days I feel like I have been in a bubble underwater. All sights and sounds and tastes have been gaussian blurred with a radius of 22.7 pixels. I have been too tired to think, but I suspect that still my body coming down off the hormones. I am not complaining. Not feeling very much is progress to me, at this point.

 

The world goes slowly on. I wish I was making faster progress, but I guess we all heal in our own time. Had this been a break-up with a single guy I wasn't ready to leave yet, I would have still been getting over him, I think. Yes, the extra anger+gross factors wouldn't have been there, but I would still be nursing my wounded heart. So, for now, it is still one day at a time.

 

Xoxo.

 

 

Good Afternoon Darling,

 

Don't put pressure on yourself as far as timings to "get over it". I don't think we get over it, we deal with it, we accept it, learn from it, and move on. It takes awhile. Regardless of the veracity or truthfulness of MM love for you, yours for MM was real. That's what you know and keep close. You were not a faker. Be good to yourself.

 

NL x

[minimariah]

Yodel!

 

i think you're doing really well, you're moving forward. so happy to see that!

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks NewLeaf and MiniMariah. It is so nice to have you guys here.

 

I was just thinking, I know exMM keeps writing in hopes to keep me hooked to him somehow, but it is astonishing that I mean so little that he doesn't even bother to seem overly tragic and heartbroken. You know? First of all, he is writing to me when he knows it hurts me to hear from him and makes it harder to move on. He is making the effort to go to a public computer spot to write, so you would think in at least one of the emails he would just say "I love you" at least. He only did in the first one. And since then the only love mentioned has been in his "love always." I write love always to anyone I care about.

 

I mean, my logic is that he is trying to reel me back in, he might want to say things like "OMG, I love you so much and I can't stop thinking about you." Instead, I'm getting a "Meh, went to Burger King, thought of you. So yeah." Puts things into perspective when you realize they think so much about themselves that they don't even put enough effort to think about how to manipulate you back in some way, shape or form.

Edited November 15, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[eye of the storm]

You need to either change your email, block his email, or send his emails directly to trash.

 

If you are still logging on to your shared email, then log on one last time and delete it. Delete the account.

 

His continuing to email and you continuing to see them slows down your recovery.

 

Sending you strength.

[yodelwithyu]

Sorry I didn’t reply for a couple days, Eye. Been dealing with a nasty cold turned chest infection. I also didn’t want to write what I am going to write while super sick so I wouldn’t sound extra miserable.

 

I know I have to block him. I cannot change my email address, and we do not share an email address. The thing is, the last time I blocked him, it made me think about him much more than I already was at that point. And with increased anxiety. For now, I know he is slowing my recovery, but I am weary of setting off my anxiety again. I have been sad, but the anxious thoughts regarding him have largely dissipated. There are a few events in the next three weeks that I know will leave me wondering if he tried to get in touch. But I have made myself a deadline to get ready to block him right after the last event in the first week of December.

 

It has been a while since I cried hard, and reading/thinking about this message definitely made me cry that night. Not at all because of what was said, but because I took a cold hard look at myself and my weaknesses. I never in a million years would have thought that someone who lied to me and hurt so badly would ever get the time of day…much less all the time, of every day. The affair addiction is so true. I have never had an addiction like this, and battling it how you are supposed to is hard. I mean, why could I just not cut him off? He has nothing to offer me except a handful of lies and and broken promises. I do believe I am making slow progress, but it is sad to me that I still need some sort of validation from this man. Also, not writing back when he writes to me gives me a sense of regaining a little bit of control. It is frustrating that I am crawling on my hands and knees to the light at the end of the tunnel instead of sprinting, but I am still so much better off than I thought I would be.

 

I know I sound really pathetic. And I am embarrassed. But I hope this doesn’t look like I am not taking the advice in all the replies and I hope preclude me from getting thoughts from all of you in the future. Please know I am not disregarding anything. All the advice and thoughts I have gotten has helped so much. And will continue to help. I know this. I will block him, hopefully sooner than my own deadline.

 

Sorry if this post is a little rambly and poorly written, just a little under the weather.

[minimariah]

Yodel... it's a journey. & it's normal to have a crisis and bad times.

 

so no, you're not pathetic and you shouldn't feel embarrassed. one step at a time, you won't heal over night.

 

take care of your health!

[eye of the storm]

Progress is progress. Period. Slow or fast it is progress.

 

Stop beating yourself up over imaginary time frames.

 

You say crawling like it is something to be ashamed of. It isnt. It means you got the crap knocked out of you but you haven't quit.

 

You are stronger that you know.

[NewLeaf512]

Thanks NewLeaf and MiniMariah. It is so nice to have you guys here.

 

I was just thinking, I know exMM keeps writing in hopes to keep me hooked to him somehow, but it is astonishing that I mean so little that he doesn't even bother to seem overly tragic and heartbroken. You know? First of all, he is writing to me when he knows it hurts me to hear from him and makes it harder to move on. He is making the effort to go to a public computer spot to write, so you would think in at least one of the emails he would just say "I love you" at least. He only did in the first one. And since then the only love mentioned has been in his "love always." I write love always to anyone I care about.

 

I mean, my logic is that he is trying to reel me back in, he might want to say things like "OMG, I love you so much and I can't stop thinking about you." Instead, I'm getting a "Meh, went to Burger King, thought of you. So yeah." Puts things into perspective when you realize they think so much about themselves that they don't even put enough effort to think about how to manipulate you back in some way, shape or form.

 

Hello Yodel.. He would say all those things if it was about you. It's not. It's about him.

It seems that lately there have been more than a few OW/OM posting about receiving emails from MM/MW. I haven't read one thread where the "I love you so much" has come out. On norudder's thread the email was just a subject line.

 

In your Burger King example I think you have it right.

 

You are more than an afterthought who deserves a poke of a far flung email to your emotions sent by a self absorbed tit. NLx

[yodelwithyu]

You are more than an afterthought who deserves a poke of a far flung email to your emotions sent by a self absorbed tit. NLx

 

OMG. This made me laugh so loud! I love it!

[yodelwithyu]

To clarify, I was feeling pathetic and embarrassed not to be able to block him yet. And setting a deadline to do so. But sometimes, I think a game plan helps. I hope so in my case. Now I am counting down the days to blockage, and am actually feeling better and stronger about doing it. I think part of what is scary to me is all the self reflecting I will have to do once I have time to only think about myself and not his distractions. I know I will not like a lot of what I find. But I am gearing up.

 

It also helps that his emails get more selfish and a little asinine as time goes on. So not even 8 hours after I last posted, I had another email from him. This is the shortest time that has passed between his emails. So I guess he is getting really desperate. At this point, I don’t even need any feedback on it. He has damn lost his mind. If I am sitting here going “Ugh, really? Block him already!!” I can’t imagine what you guys reading might be thinking! But I am going to post anyway, because I know at least for me, reading other peoples’ stories and experiences have helped me a lot, and still do. Who knows, maybe one day my whole story might help someone fix theirs long before it gets to this stage even. And, for what it is worth, I think that looking back on this one day, I can learn more about myself and the mistakes/successes I have had. And truly, if nothing else, then it makes for good reading into human behaviors. So without further ado, here is the most ludicrous email I have thus far received:

 

“I really miss your voice. I realized it even more after we spoke that day. I'll be driving all night, so you can call if you'd like. Only reason I wouldn't answer is if I have people in the car, but then you should call back, cause that would really suck to miss your call. I think I fixed my location, but only you can tell me that. I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Love Always,

MM”

 

Is he for real? Just call because things have been so normal and casual? Um…the last email he wrote, he was “frightened” I would respond and now he is just telling me to call like nothing has happened? And sharing his location? When I told him the time I broke NC that I deleted him from my location app? I mean, really? I actually think he is losing it. And what was he thinking when I would call? That I would hang up and call him back every time he had a passenger? Not a chance. For any of that. Man, he just keeps giving himself more rope to hang on each time. And he makes it easier for me to see him for what he is.

[yodelwithyu]

On another note, progress. I know I have stated like I feel I am moving slowly, and I am. But I also try and remain cognizant of changes. So here is one. I was sitting with my mom chatting about our days, and I almost said “Oh, exMM sent me the most ridiculous email” but stopped myself in time. This shows to me that he is not actively taking up so much time and space and secrecy, and that he was just a part of the day that I was going to comment on. The fact that I wasn’t on high alert is also a good sign. I don’t know, but it made me happy.

[norudder]

To clarify, I was feeling pathetic and embarrassed not to be able to block him yet. And setting a deadline to do so. But sometimes, I think a game plan helps. I hope so in my case. Now I am counting down the days to blockage, and am actually feeling better and stronger about doing it. I think part of what is scary to me is all the self reflecting I will have to do once I have time to only think about myself and not his distractions. I know I will not like a lot of what I find. But I am gearing up.

 

It also helps that his emails get more selfish and a little asinine as time goes on. So not even 8 hours after I last posted, I had another email from him. This is the shortest time that has passed between his emails. So I guess he is getting really desperate. At this point, I don’t even need any feedback on it. He has damn lost his mind. If I am sitting here going “Ugh, really? Block him already!!” I can’t imagine what you guys reading might be thinking! But I am going to post anyway, because I know at least for me, reading other peoples’ stories and experiences have helped me a lot, and still do. Who knows, maybe one day my whole story might help someone fix theirs long before it gets to this stage even. And, for what it is worth, I think that looking back on this one day, I can learn more about myself and the mistakes/successes I have had. And truly, if nothing else, then it makes for good reading into human behaviors. So without further ado, here is the most ludicrous email I have thus far received:

 

“I really miss your voice. I realized it even more after we spoke that day. I'll be driving all night, so you can call if you'd like. Only reason I wouldn't answer is if I have people in the car, but then you should call back, cause that would really suck to miss your call. I think I fixed my location, but only you can tell me that. I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Love Always,

MM”

 

Is he for real? Just call because things have been so normal and casual? Um…the last email he wrote, he was “frightened” I would respond and now he is just telling me to call like nothing has happened? And sharing his location? When I told him the time I broke NC that I deleted him from my location app? I mean, really? I actually think he is losing it. And what was he thinking when I would call? That I would hang up and call him back every time he had a passenger? Not a chance. For any of that. Man, he just keeps giving himself more rope to hang on each time. And he makes it easier for me to see him for what he is.

 

Yep. I thought to myself 'just stop, please don't be that guy' because then that means I fell for 'that guy'. But you're right, it just starts making it easier for you.

[WestEndGirl]

I never in a million years would have thought that someone who lied to me and hurt so badly would ever get the time of day…much less all the time, of every day. The affair addiction is so true.

 

Here's the thing, though: he probably didn't think he was lying when he said all of those sweet nothings. Because who does that --? I think that some of these MP have reached such a low, desperate point in their lives, they just start acting and thinking crazy. They say things and promise things, never really asking themselves, "Is this a promise that I will realistically be able to keep?" It's like the guys who "fell in love" with you in high school and were so crazy about you at first, then six months later, they act completely differently.

[yodelwithyu]

Here's the thing, though: he probably didn't think he was lying when he said all of those sweet nothings. Because who does that --? I think that some of these MP have reached such a low, desperate point in their lives, they just start acting and thinking crazy. They say things and promise things, never really asking themselves, "Is this a promise that I will realistically be able to keep?" It's like the guys who "fell in love" with you in high school and were so crazy about you at first, then six months later, they act completely differently.

 

Probably the type of guy that starts a relationship with a single girl with the knowledge he is married. LOL. But in all seriousness, I was talking more the big lies. Not future faking or anything. And yeah, he probably believed the "love" stuff he was saying himself.

[yodelwithyu]

So, I just saw today that he WAS indeed on my location app, maybe since he sent a new share or something. But I hadn't gotten a notification. He only wants me to have his location so I can see that is he is not at home, it might be a good time to call, should I choose. It is still just about him. If he is that desperate to hear my voice, he can make a bloody call.

 

I looked where he was twice today. And then guess what? I DELETED him from the app. Can you imagine? A very specific means to look into his world, where he is and all that. But I don't want it. It will make me curious and bring up things that will drag me backwards. I can't go back, even to a few weeks ago. I am moving forward. And onward. Like a snail...but a snail with a mission.

 

Feeling good about myself today!