From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[yodelwithyu]

So now I feel like I am just spamming, but I want to stay true to this journey (don’t worry, these emails posts will stop soon enough from my side when I block him in a couple of weeks). He emailed again a little more than twelve hours ago. The time in between this one was he shortest. Four days. It is almost as if he knows I am planning to block him soon. And to be quite honest, not by what he is saying, but his increased activity is making it clearer that I need to block him and move on. Nothing special about this email, but a few differences. He changed “love always” to “love you.” But stranger than that, his subject was “ante” (like in poker), though ever single one of his other subjects have thus far been “hello, hi, hello again.” I still don’t understand why he is emailing like nothing ever happened. Like regarding the songs. Strange. Anyway, I also think maybe subconsciously, or on purpose, he is writing more to compel me to tell him to stop or reach out. That is cruel. Yes, I see his desperation to get in touch more, but I also know that there are a hundred ways other than emailing, so I am still only worthy of a secret email. In any case, he says he doesn’t know if he should call. At this point, he is disrupting my recovery my any contact, so I wish he wouldn’t hide his cowardice behind a veil of doing the right thing.

 

I was also thinking that most people would probably want to write back and say get back to me when you are single/divorced. But I don’t even want to say that. Because I could never trust him for anything anyway. So, I present you the latest and greatest:

 

“So I heard She Knows yesterday. I can't believe I picked that for you. What an idiot!! I really had no idea it was THAT type of song. Also heard Jar of Hearts which also made me feel bad. I want to be the one that calls you, but I just don't know if that's the right thing to do. I hope that you're eating and sleeping like you're suppose to.

 

Love you,

MM”

[yodelwithyu]

So last night, the birthday present I had designed and ordered for exMM arrived. I had completely forgotten about it, and it was delivered like two weeks later than it was supposed to. I had spent a few weeks in June, when I was home last, really fine tuning the materials and design. Basically it is the logo of his favorite team, but one word swapped out for a poker pun. So I had a custom jersey and an embroidered cap (not to be worn together) made at a garment factory as a special favor. It was pretty awesome if I do say so myself. It didn’t make me feel much of anything except foolish. Foolish to have wasted my thoughtfulness and creativity. Foolish to have thought that I would have made the relationship work somehow. But most of all, foolish to have loved someone who will never know what it means to have been loved by me. In any case, I put the cap and the jerseys (they sent me a couple of the earlier version samples) in the pile of clothes that will be handed out this winter to the poor. So at least it won’t have been wasted.

 

ExMM has been a lot more on my mind lately, no doubt with the increased communications on his part. I feel myself getting a little desperate again, and I don’t like it. I know blocking him is the best thing to do, and maybe I can before my intended date. If any of you have gotten this far int he story, my suggestion would have been to block him after getting the validation you need seeing the he broke NC. I should have blocked him after his first or second email. But in my case, it is what it is. I know that it would still be a rollercoaster, and some days would be worse than others, but I am mindful of the fact that I am dragging on my misery at this point. I don’t know why I need to know how he will communicate on the milestone. But after that, there is not doubt that actual, proper NC will finally start for me. I know it seems strange to make dates, but it really helped me actually end things with him and leave, whereas cold turkey had never worked before. So maybe since I have time to get ready, and know what has to be done, it will be different and the rest my healing can truly begin.

[OWAmy]

Aw I've read your thread and I really feel for you.

 

One of the worst things I did was not stick to my original 'no contact'. It's much harder for me second time around then I meet him in a few days and then it really is The End. I think you feel worse knowing that there is more to come before you do the final block. I don't love him any more after all I've gone through. So I keep screaming to myself why do I feel so many other emotions!! You will grow from this like I am doing. I think we are the 'lucky' xOW so many others still living hope or worse limbo and ambiguity...

<hugs>

[m4p]

But most of all, foolish to have loved someone who will never know what it means to have been loved by me.

 

This.

 

The same thing happened to me. I planned a birthday gift for xMM in Jan, ended things in Feb, his birthday rolled around in April and I chucked it all out in a fit of sadness and anger. I had the hardest time resisting sending it to him just to show him "this is what you would have gotten if you chose me.. I could have loved you with all my heart and more." Thank effing god I didn't.

 

I hope you hang on till your chosen deadline. You've done so well, remember the very first day you posted? It might sound like you're still stuck in the same situation but you're so not. You're miles ahead now and there's still a long way to go.

 

I deeply regret the occasional LC after the end of my A. The few minutes of hysterics from talking to him, the panic attacks, trying to be normal. It was so not worth it. I wished I could have gone full blown NC right from day one but aren't we all suckers for self inflicted silliness anyway.

It's now been months since full NC (I wish I can give myself a medal for not even being able to remember when exactly was the last time I had contact with him). Couldn't have imagined that 1 year ago when we were deeply entwined in each other's lives.

 

We can't help but to love someone, and sometimes they can't help but to love us too. BUT in the grand scheme of things, nothing works out perfectly all the time anyway. Life is short, how many more tears to shed and sleepless nights to bear? It's really all quite insignificant if you think about it in moments of clarity.

 

Have faith in yourself and your own strength. I was a sniveling, pathetic zombie for the first few months when the A ended. My family culture and where I come from (Asia) also made it basically impossible to talk about it to my parents. So I totally understand how you feel. Imagine hiding in my room trying to act normal but actually just sobbing on my bed. I wrote my first post in LS lying in the same bed and skipping meals for days. Now it just feels like a distant nightmare that I cringe when I think about it.

 

Big big BIG hugs to you. You can do it.

[yodelwithyu]

I hope you hang on till your chosen deadline. You've done so well, remember the very first day you posted? It might sound like you're still stuck in the same situation but you're so not. You're miles ahead now and there's still a long way to go.

 

Have faith in yourself and your own strength. I was a sniveling, pathetic zombie for the first few months when the A ended. My family culture and where I come from (Asia) also made it basically impossible to talk about it to my parents. So I totally understand how you feel. Imagine hiding in my room trying to act normal but actually just sobbing on my bed. I wrote my first post in LS lying in the same bed and skipping meals for days. Now it just feels like a distant nightmare that I cringe when I think about it.

 

Big big BIG hugs to you. You can do it.

 

Thanks for sharing the bit about your culture and hiding in your room pretending everything is ok. That has been the hardest part in all this. Especially because even if I cry like ten tears, my eyes get all puffy and my nose gets all rudolphy. So hiding out in my room didn't even really help. Some sh**ty medical news gave me an outlet to cry though. Meh.

 

And I DO remember the first day I posted. How far I have come from there actually give me more hope and strength. Incidentally, one of your posts was the second one I had ever commented on other than my own.

 

As for my intended date, I would like to block him before that, but we will see. I guess I am in LC right now, which I did not understand as he was the one communicating with me. I broke down once and called him in the last 2.5 months to tell him to stop. So even though most of the communication has been from his side, I see now that is still LC. Looking forward to the next couple of weeks when I go full NC!

[yodelwithyu]

So thanksgiving was great, and then since I was already out and about and made up, I decided to make my re-entry back into society. Everyone said I looked good and a few people commented on the fact that I seem different. One person said I didn’t have my usual glow. Ouch. The thing is, that I am different. And I am hurting. But I felt like such a fraud, because I think everyone assumes it is because of my last relationship/ex. When clearly I wasn’t like that after the break up AND it was so long ago, but whatever. I hate the fact that you can’t even tell people you have been through something because of the secret and shameful nature of being an OW…a secondary.

 

Around 3am the wine hit hard, as did the pain. I could feel the tears forming in public in front of my high school acquaintances. It sucked. I had to excuse myself and went to the bathroom and cried. I called my friend to ask her to drop me off, and for some reason, she sent my ex instead (she didn’t know I was leaving because I was upset). Anyway, there was no hiding the fact that I had been crying, so I didn’t even say bye to anyone. That was so rude of me and unlike me. Anyway, of course the ex thinks it also has something to do with him at this point, which I felt awful about. But we hung out and talked for couple of hours as he was worried and wanted to catch up. I told him the health stuff was making me sad, but he knows me well. I think he knows there is more going on. I hate all the lying I have to do to explain to people why I get so upset suddenly. He realized I left my phone in his car when he got home. I said I didn’t really care at that point as it was late and no one would call me, to just drop it off when he woke up.

 

I listened to songs, cried and was a general mess. I cycled through anger, resentment, guilt, shame and all the other crap. I was really considering telling my mom, which is really scary and would have been a HUGE mistake. Then about an hour and a half later, I started panicking about the fact that of all days, if exMM tried to email/contact/message, it would show up on my lock screen and my ex would see the notification. So there went my sleep because I got so so anxious. Of all people to discover exMM, it would have been so hurtful to my ex! I mean, I never in my life have had to be so careful with anything. This affair sh*t really sucks in so many idiotic ways like this. Anyway, I got my phone back and there was nothing from exMM, so that was good. It is just not natural to have to stress about things like that. Any other day, I wouldn’t have cared if anyone else had my phone, because I had nothing to hide.

 

Anyway, now I am super hungover, and still a little weepy. And my eyes are so puffy they can barely open. How ridiculous. So I decided. No more drinking until I am over him. It is just not worth it.

[yodelwithyu]

So...I was right to panic, but about the wrong thing. ExMM just called. He said he was happy I had called. But sad as he was unable to answer the phone. My first thought was "SH*T I must have drunk dialed him!!" But I looked at my call log and there was nothing. I said it wasn't me, and he said my phone number showed up. Which is weird, because I always call from Skype so my number doesn't show. Then I asked him the time he received the call. It was during the time in which my ex was in possession of my phone. WTF. Thankfully there is nothing on my phone that will reveal who he was to me. Need to process all of this, not sure what to ask my ex. It is very unlike him to do something like this. I am honestly speechless.

 

WTF man.

[m4p]

So...I was right to panic, but about the wrong thing. ExMM just called. He said he was happy I had called. But sad as he was unable to answer the phone. My first thought was "SH*T I must have drunk dialed him!!" But I looked at my call log and there was nothing. I said it wasn't me, and he said my phone number showed up. Which is weird, because I always call from Skype so my number doesn't show. Then I asked him the time he received the call. It was during the time in which my ex was in possession of my phone. WTF. Thankfully there is nothing on my phone that will reveal who he was to me. Need to process all of this, not sure what to ask my ex. It is very unlike him to do something like this. I am honestly speechless.

 

WTF man.

 

Wth there must be some logical explanation to this. Is your ex aware of xMM's existence as a person? How bizarre!

[NewLeaf512]

Yodel after his last email telling you he'd be alone all night and YOU could call, I inherently knew he would ring.

 

Logically, you probably have a passcode on your phone. You have hundreds of contacts, and exbf randomly hits on ExMM and dials him. We can do some mathematical probabilities on that but frankly "computer says no"

 

ExMM told a porky to justify it looking like he was merely ring you back. No one rang him. He's a master player he thinks, a legend in his own mind.

 

People with

PD's try to create an unreality around us so that we are completely off kilter and doubting of ourselves. We then accept their reality to try to make sense of it all.

 

You are against the wall on blocking. To feel in control you want to choose when. I understand. Plan your date and do it soon, significant dates are coming.

 

NL X

[minimariah]

WTF man.

 

take this scenario into consideration -- he made the entire " YOU called ME first" thing up & "guessed" the time that phone was with your ex.

[yodelwithyu]

So when I looked up the weather forecast for Thanksgiving weekend, I did not see a big ass warning for a CATEGORY 5 SH*T STORM.

 

My ex did call exMM. And his wife. And another friend I made while I was gone this year. And he happened to get lucky that he remembered (from 1.75 years ago) one of my passcodes that I just happened to have recycled last month. I have a security app on my phone which asks for additional verification on everything like pictures and mail. I feel violated, but he was drunk too, and so desperate to find out is going on with me. He called exMM's wife thinking I had added a "y" to a guys name. LONG story.

 

We met tonight to discuss what was going on with him and he half seriously proposed to me. He said lets leave everything behind, I love you, lets start over.

 

I AM THE WORLDS SH*TTIEST PERSON that I can't open my arms to someone who has not let love for me go even in two years and accepts me with all my flaws and all I can think about is exMM.

 

Speaking of which, all blocks on communication have been brought down by him facetime audio-ing and texting me from his actual phone. I suspect I will need a couple of more days to put both these fires out.

 

I won't lie, talking to exMM for a few hours today was good. Really good. But also different. And over kind of different But I also asked the right questions for myself to put the nails in the coffin ONCE MORE. “Do you love your wife? “Yes.” Do you plan on staying married?” Yes.” Ok, so there is

 

 

 

So I was in the middle of writing my post, when my ex called. He was so sad and so broken. And I realized that what he feels for me/because of me is how I feel for/because of exMM. I feel so heartbroken for my ex right now, because I know how bad that pain is. And I can’t give him wha he wants. Me. I feel so awful. That someone I used to love is in the same pain because of me. I guess I will finish the rest of my post regarding exMM some other time. Of course hearing him like that makes me realize we have all done things we are not proud of in the middle of our agony, so I forgive him for the phone thing. I just feel devastated for my gentle, kind ex and just don’t know how to help him.

Edited November 28, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[yodelwithyu]

So I think this has been the longest period of time that I have not posted LS since the first day I started posting. Things have been a little crazy…obviously from my last post. Sorry for that mess of a post by the way. WOW. Could not tone down the crazy. As of two days ago, there has been a new complication added to the mix by my stepdad telling my little brother in college that he is on his own, after telling him his whole life that though he hasn’t been around as a father, college will be paid for. Incidentally, my little brother got almost a full ride to an ivy league school, but somehow my stepdad has decided my brother is even worthy of anything as my mother refused his advances after being separated for almost fifteen years. Apparently none of us got the memo that my mother was supposed to wait on him hand and foot when he got old and decided to move back to the country as his pleasure. What a d*ick. Anyway, I am trying to figure out from my investments how I can cover the non-scholarship tuition and expenses, as I don’t want my mom to worry about it. I think that if I never do anything else in life, if I can put my little brother through college, I will be happy and proud. But it is scary and stressful.

 

As for my ex, I feel really really bad for him. He is in a really bad place. I thought he wouldn’t still have so many feelings for me as I have been gone and out of touch most of this year. I think I had only communicated with him less than ten times and seen him twice in a year. I really didn’t understand how he could have such deep emotions and attachment regarding me after so long, especially when I have always been clear with him that I just don’t feel that way anymore and I don’t see us ever having a future. But now, after feeling the way I did with exMM, and seeing how many people are still suffering and attached after years of not being in touch, I understand it a little better. If he feels anything like the lows I have had dealing with my situation, I feel horrible that my existence can cause something like that, and I am powerless to make him feel better. But in any case, I have set up an appointment with a therapist and said I would go with him. We should say what we have to say to each other because he clearly isn’t understanding what I say, and I don’t think he realizes the things he says and how his take on why things happen are detrimental to him. After that, I will see if the therapist agrees with me that NC would be best for him to try and move on. There’ll be no avoiding each other in some social situations, but seeing as I rarely socialize, it won’t be too bad. I do want to help him through this, and do right by him, as I had loved him once, but I think my presence in his life is keeping him stuck in a spot where he really shouldn’t be. In the last year, I have indulged his request for talking on the phone and stuff because I didn’t want to be mean to him, but it is just not helping him I can see, so I will request NC in front of the doctor.

 

So moving on the the hardest part to discuss with you all. ExMM. I reckon I will make a separate post next for those only interested in the exMM situation.

[yodelwithyu]

It is funny how I don’t know any of you personally, and you don’t know me, but I hate feeling like I am going to let some of you down. Especially after all the good advice and all the support I have received. Some of you have played such a huge part in helping me in crisis that it is hard to just picture you as strangers. I really don’t hope you think that anything you have said to me is not valid and did not teach me anything. I can understand it might be frustrating to see people you wish well to keep making mistakes despite being given all the right advice.

 

So it is actually a little crazy that my ex who wants to “win me back” actually broke NC from my side, and now I am back in contact with exMM. He said he was going to call around Thanksgiving anyway, but who knows. Yes, we have been in contact. I didn’t have the strength to reject his call. We have been on the phone everyday for multiple hours except one since the day after thanksgiving. The first couple of days I just went over everything and asked him all the questions I have had. I knew it was a mistake and indulged in it anyway because, well, it sucked not being in contact with him. Now we are just back to talking about everything under the sun, though I keep telling him we need to address the herds of elephants in the room. I told him that after the fact that he has broken NC multiple times, I will rain down hell on him if he is the one who tries to initiate NC. I told him I know we are headed for disaster again. And we are.

 

But for now, like a true addict, when things are tough, I could not resist and I am taking comfort in my drug of choice. And this time my eyes are wide open. This time, no one can say don’t let him hurt you. Because this time, I am hurting myself. So I know what I am doing, and why I am doing it. Knowing it can only end one way. I guess that will tell you everything you need to know about me. I want to say that this time, I am using him too, but that doesn’t make any of it better. This time, I AM the OW. I haven’t been tricked into anything. All I am doing is erasing most of the work I have done in the last three months and setting myself up for pain again.

 

Had it not been for reading here, I would not even know that what I am doing is called an EA and those can be just as devastating for everyone. I know that our PA will not restart as there are so many miles between us. But does that really matter? Yes, the sex was amazing, but that was the least of what I needed from him. He has the many hours to be on the phone with me now, like we had planned. He doesn’t seem to feel guilty or have remorse, and that should tell you everything you need to know about him. He is using his phone to call and text, knowing that BW might still be monitoring him. I always used to think he didn’t future fake, but I was wrong. When he says things like “I have been feeling so guilty about everything I have done to you, but I don’t feel so guilty about the things I have done to her,” it creates some kind of unspoken hope. For the record, I am not expecting that his situation has or will change. It will not, that much is very clear. It is different when we talk, because now I know I am not his girlfriend and he is my nothing. Now there are times when I should not text him because of the risk of him getting caught.

 

I have been guilty of reading a post from an exOW or someone asking about having feelings for someone taken, saying they WON’T become the OW and thought wow, she is not going to be able to do it. I get it. I know that I probably become that girl around the time I openly said I could not block him. But I really didn’t think I would be that girl. I didn’t realize that after it felt like I could breathe again, that I would stop fighting as hard. I see everything I did wrong. I know that blocking him right away would not have worked for me, because I did need to know that he reached out, at least once, for whatever stupid validation I needed. But then I should have blocked him, on everything. I see now that I was not committed to NC, even from the beginning. I tried to white knuckle my way through everything, when the right thing to do was everything you guys told me to do. I should have known that because really, if I had wanted to run down the bridge completely, I would have just forwarded the emails to his wife. That way, she would know what he is up to, and he would be majorly mad at me. I didn’t want to involve her anymore, but mostly, I wasn’t ready for him to want to let me go.

 

I know I will be back here looking for solace, when, NOT if, things fall apart again. I’m sure it will be soon. But I already have all the good advice that I need to make it from you guys. When I am back with my tail between my legs, I hope some of you will still be here to tell me “I told you so.” When I am back, I know I will make it through the really dark days, because I did last time, thanks to all of you.

 

For now, I am sorry to any of you who feel like your advice was wasted. It was not, I promise. For those who feel let down, I am sorry, and I hope I won’t let you or myself down next time.

 

I’m just…sorry.

Yodel

Edited December 2, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[yodelwithyu]

Everything I thought I knew about love, my self-worth, integrity and morals went out the window when I found out the man I loved was married. I don’t know who I turned into, loving him and trying to push him away at the same time. Perhaps that is why it is so hard for some us of to move on or get better. Because fundamentally, by being involved with married men (knowingly or unwittingly), we have become people we don’t recognize. And the only person who has known us like that are them. It is hard enough to pick yourself up when you are a pile of pieces, but where do you begin when you are just a pile of dust with no old pieces of you to put back together again?

 

I don’t have doubt that I will find love again someday, but some of you feel like you may not. It won’t be the same, but thank goodness for that. Though I have hope for the future, I understand feeling like love will be impossible again. I know, at least through my actions, I have sometimes stopped loving myself. So how can we possibly think about loving someone in the future if we don’t actually love ourselves anymore?

 

Essentially, we have shifted and obliterated huge parts of our beings to be with someone, and “ourselves” is what is hardest to find again, as we aren’t the people we were when we started this. There is no starting point, i.e. our old selves. So it right back to the start to try and figure out who you are. That is daunting in itself, and seems impossible when your heart is also broken.

[yodelwithyu]

I love music and dance as I have previously stated, and throughout this who experience, I was constantly reminded of this contemporary routine about addiction. The concept of addiction acted out by a man and a woman is so…just spot on. The lyrics just say so much about some of our situations. I don’t know, thought some of you could relate to it:

[OneLov]

Here is an almost 300 year-old poem that is still relevant.

 

 

 

 

Eloisa to Abelard

 

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,

 

Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,

 

And ever-musing melancholy reigns;

 

What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?

 

Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?

 

Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?

 

Yet, yet I love!—From Abelard it came,

 

And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

 

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,

 

Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.

 

Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,

 

Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:

 

O write it not, my hand—the name appears

 

Already written—wash it out, my tears!

 

In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,

 

Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

 

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains

 

Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:

 

Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;

 

Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!

 

Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,

 

And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!

 

Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,

 

I have not yet forgot myself to stone.

 

All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,

 

Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;

 

Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,

 

Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

 

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,

 

That well-known name awakens all my woes.

 

Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!

 

Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.

 

I tremble too, where'er my own I find,

 

Some dire misfortune follows close behind.

 

Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,

 

Led through a sad variety of woe:

 

Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,

 

Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!

 

There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,

 

There died the best of passions, love and fame.

 

Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join

 

Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.

 

Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;

 

And is my Abelard less kind than they?

 

Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,

 

Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;

 

No happier task these faded eyes pursue;

 

To read and weep is all they now can do.

 

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;

 

Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.

 

Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,

 

Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;

 

They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,

 

Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,

 

The virgin's wish without her fears impart,

 

Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,

 

Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,

 

And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

 

Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,

 

When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;

 

My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,

 

Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.

 

Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,

 

Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.

 

Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;

 

And truths divine came mended from that tongue.

 

From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?

 

Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.

 

Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,

 

Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.

 

Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;

 

Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

 

How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,

 

Curse on all laws but those which love has made!

 

Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,

 

Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,

 

Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,

 

August her deed, and sacred be her fame;

 

Before true passion all those views remove,

 

Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?

 

The jealous God, when we profane his fires,

 

Those restless passions in revenge inspires;

 

And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,

 

Who seek in love for aught but love alone.

 

Should at my feet the world's great master fall,

 

Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:

 

Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;

 

No, make me mistress to the man I love;

 

If there be yet another name more free,

 

More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!

 

Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,

 

When love is liberty, and nature, law:

 

All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,

 

No craving void left aching in the breast:

 

Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,

 

And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.

 

This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)

 

And once the lot of Abelard and me.

 

Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!

 

A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!

 

Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,

 

Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.

 

Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;

 

The crime was common, common be the pain.

 

I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,

 

Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

 

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,

 

When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?

 

Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,

 

When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?

 

As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,

 

The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:

 

Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,

 

And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.

 

Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,

 

Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:

 

Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,

 

And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.

 

Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;

 

Those still at least are left thee to bestow.

 

Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,

 

Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,

 

Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;

 

Give all thou canst—and let me dream the rest.

 

Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,

 

With other beauties charm my partial eyes,

 

Full in my view set all the bright abode,

 

And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

 

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,

 

Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.

 

From the false world in early youth they fled,

 

By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.

 

You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,

 

And Paradise was open'd in the wild.

 

No weeping orphan saw his father's stores

 

Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;

 

No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,

 

Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:

 

But such plain roofs as piety could raise,

 

And only vocal with the Maker's praise.

 

In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)

 

These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,

 

Where awful arches make a noonday night,

 

And the dim windows shed a solemn light;

 

Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,

 

And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.

 

But now no face divine contentment wears,

 

'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.

 

See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,

 

(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)

 

But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?

 

Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!

 

Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,

 

And all those tender names in one, thy love!

 

The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd

 

Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,

 

The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,

 

The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,

 

The dying gales that pant upon the trees,

 

The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;

 

No more these scenes my meditation aid,

 

Or lull to rest the visionary maid.

 

But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,

 

Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,

 

Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws

 

A death-like silence, and a dread repose:

 

Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,

 

Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,

 

Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,

 

And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

 

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;

 

Sad proof how well a lover can obey!

 

Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;

 

And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,

 

Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,

 

And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.

 

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,

 

Confess'd within the slave of love and man.

 

Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?

 

Sprung it from piety, or from despair?

 

Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,

 

Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.

 

I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;

 

I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;

 

I view my crime, but kindle at the view,

 

Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;

 

Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,

 

Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.

 

Of all affliction taught a lover yet,

 

'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!

 

How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,

 

And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?

 

How the dear object from the crime remove,

 

Or how distinguish penitence from love?

 

Unequal task! a passion to resign,

 

For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.

 

Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,

 

How often must it love, how often hate!

 

How often hope, despair, resent, regret,

 

Conceal, disdain—do all things but forget.

 

But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;

 

Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!

 

Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,

 

Renounce my love, my life, myself—and you.

 

Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he

 

Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

 

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

 

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

 

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

 

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

 

Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;

 

"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"

 

Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,

 

Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.

 

Grace shines around her with serenest beams,

 

And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.

 

For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,

 

And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,

 

For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,

 

For her white virgins hymeneals sing,

 

To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,

 

And melts in visions of eternal day.

 

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,

 

Far other raptures, of unholy joy:

 

When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,

 

Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,

 

Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,

 

All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.

 

Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!

 

How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!

 

Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,

 

And stir within me every source of love.

 

I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,

 

And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.

 

I wake—no more I hear, no more I view,

 

The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.

 

I call aloud; it hears not what I say;

 

I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.

 

To dream once more I close my willing eyes;

 

Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!

 

Alas, no more—methinks we wand'ring go

 

Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,

 

Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,

 

And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.

 

Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;

 

Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.

 

I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,

 

And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

 

For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain

 

A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;

 

Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;

 

No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.

 

Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,

 

Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;

 

Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,

 

And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.

 

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?

 

The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.

 

Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;

 

Ev'n thou art cold—yet Eloisa loves.

 

Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn

 

To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.

 

What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?

 

The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,

 

Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,

 

Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.

 

I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,

 

Thy image steals between my God and me,

 

Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,

 

With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.

 

When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,

 

And swelling organs lift the rising soul,

 

One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,

 

Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:

 

In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,

 

While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

 

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,

 

Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,

 

While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,

 

And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:

 

Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!

 

Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;

 

Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes

 

Blot out each bright idea of the skies;

 

Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;

 

Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;

 

Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;

 

Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

 

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;

 

Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!

 

Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,

 

Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.

 

Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;

 

Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.

 

Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)

 

Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!

 

Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!

 

Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!

 

Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!

 

And faith, our early immortality!

 

Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;

 

Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

 

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,

 

Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.

 

In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,

 

And more than echoes talk along the walls.

 

Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,

 

From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.

 

"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)

 

"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!

 

Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,

 

Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:

 

But all is calm in this eternal sleep;

 

Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,

 

Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:

 

For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."

 

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,

 

Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.

 

Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,

 

Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:

 

Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,

 

And smooth my passage to the realms of day;

 

See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,

 

Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!

 

Ah no—in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,

 

The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,

 

Present the cross before my lifted eye,

 

Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.

 

Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!

 

It will be then no crime to gaze on me.

 

See from my cheek the transient roses fly!

 

See the last sparkle languish in my eye!

 

Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;

 

And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.

 

O Death all-eloquent! you only prove

 

What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

 

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,

 

(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)

 

In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,

 

Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,

 

From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,

 

And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

 

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,

 

And graft my love immortal on thy fame!

 

Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,

 

When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;

 

If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings

 

To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,

 

O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,

 

And drink the falling tears each other sheds;

 

Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,

 

"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

 

From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,

 

And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,

 

Amid that scene if some relenting eye

 

Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,

 

Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,

 

One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.

 

And sure, if fate some future bard shall join

 

In sad similitude of griefs to mine,

 

Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,

 

And image charms he must behold no more;

 

Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;

 

Let him our sad, our tender story tell;

 

The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;

 

He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.

Edited December 8, 2015 by OneLov

[NewLeaf512]

I love music and dance as I have previously stated, and throughout this who experience, I was constantly reminded of this contemporary routine about addiction. The concept of addiction acted out by a man and a woman is so…just spot on. The lyrics just say so much about some of our situations. I don’t know, thought some of you could relate to it:

 

Yodel this is outstanding. Thank you for sharing it!

[MuddyFootprints]

I googled the poem with 'navel gazing' in my search. I actually got a couple of hits.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful work of poetry.

[OneLov]

I know what you mean. All poets can be navel-gazers to a degree. Self-indulgence is an escape. There are children starving to death somewhere in the world right now, and we continue post about our own foolish plight.

[yodelwithyu]

"Excuse me please one more drink.

Could you make it strong? Cause I don’t need to think.

He broke my heart, my grace is gone.

One more drink and I’ll move on.

 

One drink to remember, then another to forget.

How could I ever dream to find sweet love like him again?

One drink to remember and another to forget."

 

-Dave Matthews Band

[OneLov]

"I can't believe that we would lie in graves

wondering if we had spent our living days well

I can't believe that we would lie in graves

wondering what we might of been

I can't believe that we would lie in graves

wondering if we had spent our living days well

I can't believe that we would lie in graves

wondering what we might of been"

 

~Dave Matthews Band

[yodelwithyu]

I know I haven’t really been updating, but I am having a hard time sorting my thoughts and feelings out at the moment and will update on us being in phone contact soon.

 

But I was wondering something which is a little weird and embarrassing to ask, but I figure you guys always have great input. So I have stated on my thread and commented on another’s about finding out about hysterical bonding in September. Used the idea as aversion therapy to try and get over exMM. But here is my question: is it possible that I had my own version of hysterical bonding with him as I had sort of a Dday as well? Or does that sound completely stupid?

 

I have stated before that I have not had much sexual experience in the last decade (UGH. Its hard to even say that) despite being in two long term relationships. So even before finding out he was married, the sexual everything between us was quite excellent. I know that did something to wake me up my sexually, and I do know I am at the age at which women’s sex drives peak. But I am not just talking about when I was with him. More so, when I am NOT with him. I find myself thinking about sex and wanting it more in one day than I used to in a week. But only with him. Not in general, like wanting to do anyone and anything with a pulse. It is just thoughts and images of him and us. In fact, thinking about being with someone else just grosses me out, even though I have deliberately tried to cast him to of my imagination sexually in the last few months.

 

Thoughts?

[Cymbeline]

This isn't surprising. You are in love (limerance) with him. The phone contact will exacerbate the length of duration of hese feelings.

[yodelwithyu]

The phone contact will exacerbate the length of duration of hese feelings.

 

I totally agree with this. You are correct.

 

But I was asking because it started months before we ended things. I had a hard time with NC after I found out, and then a few weeks later he declared an open marriage to his wife and I. While it had surely been building, my sex drive went through the roof, mostly in my mind as we were LDR. That is why I was curious about the whole hysterical bonding vs sexual peak concept. Just my luck that it is probably both, right?? Hah.

[minimariah]

But here is my question: is it possible that I had my own version of hysterical bonding with him as I had sort of a Dday as well? Or does that sound completely stupid?

 

oh, absolutely. it doesn't sound stupid - i think i told you before... when i read your thread, i never really thought about you as an OW. you were in love and happy and then BOOM, you found out something really painful. and yeah, hysterical bounding probably occured and it makes a lot of sense.

 

it's actually logical that you stayed in that relationship instead of running in the opposite direction. don't blame yourself for that.

 

ALSO - your previous posts... i'm personally not disappointed in you at all for contacting him again. it's a journey and it takes time to get over someone. especially in situtions like these where the information about his marriage came at you as a huge shock.

 

Thoughts?

 

do you date?

 

my advice - let your brain overdose on those images. you know? the more you try to block him out, the more you'll think about him. of course, i would advise you to go NC again and to block him on that mail but allow your brain to go where it wants. eventually, you'll get tired of thinking about it and you'll move on to something else.

 

sometimes, it's better to just let our feelings naturally fade away instead of trying to force something to happen.