From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[yodelwithyu]

ALSO - your previous posts... i'm personally not disappointed in you at all for contacting him again. it's a journey and it takes time to get over someone. especially in situtions like these where the information about his marriage came at you as a huge shock.

 

(((((minimariah)))))!!!

 

I always appreciate your point of view and your super thought out and extensive replies! A friend on here did tell me I shouldn't be apologizing, and I while i understand that, I guess I felt like I let myself down, so I must have let some of you down after all the fantastic advice I got. Truth be told, I wouldn't really have known about NC and EAs if not for this forum. And I would have caved much sooner to his attempts to contact, I think. But all the time I did keep NC was super beneficial, because I do feel different and much stronger.

 

sometimes, it's better to just let our feelings naturally fade away instead of trying to force something to happen.

 

I hope this is true, but I am pretty sure NC is going to be the only way this ends. But who knows? There are many similar incidents to various people but when you add them all together (not knowing, LDR, DDay leading to open marriage, me leaving the country and all the little things in between), it didn't really play out like many stories here. I'm not expecting to end up with him, but maybe my road to NC will be a little different than others' also.

 

do you date?

 

I am not dating. And in my country there really is no hope as dating is frowned upon (and casual dating would earn you a lifelong scarlet letter), and it is a everyone knows everyone (and their whole family history) kind of situation. So not even a chance to flirt! No bars or online dating either, so not able to meet new people. And I would never date anyone I already know here, it is all very incestuous, in my opinion. NOTWITHSTANDING the fact that my ex before exMM is really in a bad place, and I feel like that might actually be really really bad for his state of being and I can't do that to him. And no, there would be no hiding it from anyone, especially him.

 

Back when I was in the States and still with exMM I tried to date, but that was another disaster in and of itself that just made me feel crappy about myself. I think I will head over to WestEndGirl's thread to tell it!

 

So many hugs, seriously. Love hearing from you!

[yodelwithyu]

Some days I still daydream about our beginning and what would we could have been if he was actually single like he presented himself to be. What a fairytale we might have had. But I will never ever know. What I do know, is that wishing he was single when I met him is not the same as wishing he was single now for or because of me. There is a vast difference. In the fairytale where he wrangles himself free to be with me, I would play the villainess instead of the princess.

 

But I like wearing my crown every chance I get. So that is that.

[eye of the storm]

Daydreams are fine, fairy tales are nice. And wear that crown, you deserve it!

 

I know sometimes you think you are not getting better, but you are. It is so obvious in your posts.

 

It went from every day all day to some days.

 

Happy days are coming. Peaceful days are starting to creep up on you. You won't notice them at first, but soon you will see them for what they are.

 

I am so thrilled for you.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Eye! Been a while! I do see and feel I am getting better, though I am in contact at the moment, which is a little disappointing. I am sure I will go through something again when I establish NC again, but I know, I just KNOW I am stronger this time.

 

And I know I am not alone.

[yodelwithyu]

Here is an almost 300 year-old poem that is still relevant.

 

Eloisa to Abelard

 

Now that I think about it, you coulda at least single spaced this. LOL!

[yodelwithyu]

It comes in waves. And baby, tonight I'm drowning.

[waterwoman]

I love music and dance as I have previously stated, and throughout this who experience, I was constantly reminded of this contemporary routine about addiction. The concept of addiction acted out by a man and a woman is so…just spot on. The lyrics just say so much about some of our situations. I don’t know, thought some of you could relate to it:

 

That is beautiful.

[NewLeaf512]

It comes in waves. And baby, tonight I'm drowning.

 

 

 

Darling yodel. PM me.

[yodelwithyu]

It has been a while. I know that it will end in disaster, but I am still in touch on the phone with exMM. Some days we have our old “good” conversations, and other days are dark ones. It is strange, but actually, in a lot of ways, I can feel myself detaching more and de-romanticizing it. I think we have both said things after being back in touch after the first real NC that we didn’t before. For him, it is admitting that he is confused about who to choose, but I do believe this is future faking at this point, which also makes me put distance between us. But for me, I have been able to express my actual thoughts on his marriage, and him in general that I think I just needed to get out of my system. And on days he is not available to me not he phone or text aren’t even close to being as bad as they used to be. No hysterics. However, I am still not going to put up with being on standby. Been there, done that, peace out.

 

Having said all of that, I know when I go NC again that it will be tough and I will go through withdrawal again. But this last month of communication has changed a lot of things for me. For one, this time I am a secret, but I actually know it. It makes me feel gross and dehumanized and like a sh*tty person. I am complicit in the lies, and I am not going to live with that. So I am not going to be that person.

 

I had a really vivid dream this morning (will post another day) and I wrote something in my journal a couple of days ago, which made me realize I should post here.

 

“They say when you mend, you become stronger in the broken places. I hope my heart becomes so hard that no one will ever be able to get in again.”

 

I am not worried I will never find love again. I know I will. I just never want to let anyone have the power to completely destroy me again. But that is not how I have always loved. I have always loved with everything. But I believe in Yoda, and he says "If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are…a different game you should play." Sometimes we just have to change.

 

I don’t want to be jaded, but I sure as sh*t don’t want love to bring me to my knees ever again. And no, it is not just because of exMM. Though he is the straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

I’ve missed posting on here, and I have missed many of you. I hope the holidays were not too tough.

 

Xoxo,

Yodel

[bathtub-row]

Good to hear from you. Well, I do admit that it is completely xMM who drove me to this level of distrust of others, and there I shall remain. In my mind, I turned a corner that cannot be unturned. And I don't care.

 

My sister and I were talking about this very thing today. I mentioned my xH who was obviously an ass, there was no question about who he was. So, what belief did he destroy in me? None. My sister said that he might as well have worn a sign on his forehead, "I'm an ass," because he was so transparent.

 

xMM on the other hand...

 

I'm not sure if NC is significant or not. I still loosely talk to xMM. There is no code or rule about us speaking or not speaking to one another. The thing is, I don't talk to him on any regular basis because I don't give a damn about what he is or isn't doing. When you feel that way, NC becomes a moot point.

[yodelwithyu]

For the first time in a really long time I feel like I can’t breathe.

 

It is ironic, because just two nights ago I was going to post that I was actually doing ok, and that I thought the slow death approach was working for me. I really felt like I was in a good place and starting to let go of so much. It was as if being in contact from such a distance was allowing me to get some closure and see things much more clearly. For the most part it still has. It has been a somber three or four days, but not very dramatic or chaotic, which has been the case mostly for all the "dark days" too, since we got back in touch. Things have just been calmer, even when sad.

 

If I had to pick one thing that is actually killing most of my feelings, it is the fact that he is in contact with me, telling me he loves me and all of that junk while his W thinks I am out of the picture completely. She probably breathes a little easier every day, and the fact that he lets her live in such misconception and doesn’t give her the choice to make informed decisions sickens me. To date, after everything he has done to her and me, I find this the most repugnant and abhorrent act. I guess for the few weeks that I did know I was an OW in between the time I found out he was married and she found out he was cheating, I was never really in it like this. I was dealing with my own DDay and feeling betrayed and feeling like the world had gone upside down, while trying to understand and talk away at the same time. Afterwards, everything was supposed to be above board with their “open marriage” so I never really felt like I was complicit in his lies. This time I am, and it is hard to look at myself in the mirror. Actually being the OW and knowing it is soul crushing. The amount of disgust I have looking at myself in the mirror by being a part him to let her carry on as if nothing is wrong is indescribable.

 

This is what we have been talking about the last few days. And it has not been pleasant, but it has also not been the heart wrenching whys and hows that it used to feel before. I just can’t seem to connect the man I know has the amazing side I see with his mother and his other self between his W and myself. Which brings us to today, when all the calmness and understanding on my side went out the window as I was telling him I really need this to be over and I need some space. He was getting really “hyper” and couldn’t deal with the conversation, so I just stopped responding to his messages twelve hours ago. I know everything I need to know yet still feel like I know nothing at all. I just can’t understand why all of this happened. Or what I had done to deserve falling madly in love with someone after like a decade just to find out that I was the biggest fool on the planet. And to know that even if there is the tiniest, most minuscule chance that he actually loved me too, there would be no hope because I could never trust him or destroy someone else’s life to be with him seems like the cruelest joke of them all.

 

During and after all of this, I was a little sad, but pretty numb and surprisingly ok. Until my dad just called and told me he is going to the States. He had asked me more than a month ago if I wanted to go and I had said probably no (as I didn’t want to lessen the distance between me and exMM). So when he told me he was leaving tomorrow to go to China for meetings, then off to the States, I was really shocked and I think a little disappointed. My dad usually asks/convinces multiple times because he loves when I travel with him. I guess I had just not been thinking about going back and so to know he is going to be there without me is triggering something. I guess I feel like I am not going to go for a long while now, I am not sure. It felt like a sign. Like another nail in the coffin.

 

All that put together has left me in the most anxious and weepy state I have been since October. I know I should go NC, but I really have made huge strides in using our contact to get over a lot of things. I guess tonight is exactly the reason why they say to keep NC. I am such an idiot. I am not sure how I want to handle the end this time. I just know that I am so angry at the universe for bringing him into my life at all…and that makes me sound even more pathetic and pitiful.

 

I really did love him, you know? Before I knew everything. I am so hurt. And I am so angry. And I am just so ****ing exhausted.

Edited January 5, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[eye of the storm]

Yodel, remember it is a rollercoaster. Ups and downs.

 

You are already in a better place than you were when you started. Do not forget how far you have come. You have more to go...but don't we all.

 

You will get thru this. one day at a time.

 

I am not the expert on getting over MMs. I am still in contact with mine. And daily I grow more sure that it was not the smartest thing I have ever done. But I am not where I was, neither are you. And I grow, and so do you.

 

Do what you can, forgive yourself for what you can't, and breath.

[Shadowburn]

Get a grip, woman.

You've been using contact not to slowly get over him, but to keep it all going.

Stop holding on to this nonsense.

He is married and had chosen to stay married even after he realized you will not stay with him in an affair. That's the only thing that matters, not what he says how much he loves you or how much you love him.

You started this thread over three months ago - if you'd stay NC, you'd be well on your way to a new and happy life. Don't waste another second and spare yourself another three months or three years of agony - cut the contact, face it, accept it, move on.

Best of luck to you and remember, you are stronger than you think.

[yodelwithyu]

Get a grip, woman.

You've been using contact not to slowly get over him, but to keep it all going.

 

I'm sorry if I made it seem that was only why I was in contact. Obviously not. I gave in far too easily because I wanted to hear from him. I needed that fix. I didn't even think about using the time to get over him until later, when I felt like I was already doing it. When he was just using the rope to hang himself. I just meant that I have actively been cementing things to myself with a clearer mind than before about all the things that could not work using, his words and actions to detach myself further. Hence slow death.

 

I know it is a rollercoaster, and of course I will get upset, but I really do feel more acceptance of the situation and reality than I did before. I am just taking a while to bury it, which is detrimental to me.

 

And I do feel much much better than when I started, and also much stronger.

 

And yes, I definitely need to get a grip.

[GollumsNightmare]

It doesn't have to be complicated. Block him from every possible way to contacy you. TODAY is the day for no contact to begin. Let today be the first day of your new life. You can do this. FTG. KWIM? It's your life out there, grab it.

[yodelwithyu]

So it has been a while since an update, and I was originally planning to write one tonight, not just about exMM. I think that will be some sort of conclusion/decisions made by the end of the week, but I am not even bothered by that right now.

 

Instead, I am sitting here with my heart hurting, feeling incredibly sad, as it is exMM's father's third death anniversary. I hurt for him and I hurt for his mother. I am worried that in trying to be strong and present for his mom, he will neglect his own feelings and push them down. He rarely talks about it with anyone, ever. But the one night we really did, he held me tight and cried so hard. His chest heaved against mine and the words barely came out. I think of all that pain and I wish I could take it all away. I think of that pain and I hope he is really ok today. Because he would never say otherwise.

 

I must really sound like an idiot, right? So there you have it. Thirteen pages worth of proof where a bleeding heart like mine will get you. Nowhere.

[eye of the storm]

Yodel, You have every right to your feelings. Be sad. Then get up, shower, and get back to YOUR life. Not his. Yours.

 

Play some music while you work/clean/workout. Take a walk, drink some water, eat your favorite treat.

 

It is easier to get out of your head when you focus on some other task.

 

Sending positive energy your way!

[OWAmy]

The days leading up to sending 'no contact' email for me were the worst. Very stressful and painful. I drafted a few variations - making sure that everything I wanted to say was said. Then I sent it. Seriously that feeling I experienced afterwards was priceless - it felt freeing. I'm done - this is why. I no longer love you don't ever come back - no conditions upon which to contact me in the future. Over. Then blocking everything. Not allowing him a voice to object :-) Silencing him once and for all.

 

What I am trying to say is that once you have the idea of going no contact in your head there is no turning back. You know what you need to do. Putting it in place is the hard bit. But the sending and then the burden lifting was a great feeling. I am no longer that woman, I'm my own woman. You will send in your own time and put it in place.

[OWAmy]

Make sure there are no ambiguities. Make statements. Be strong. Seriously if we had been treated better or demanded more then it wouldn't have come to this.

 

He has his wife for support about his father. Shed no tears for this man. He is one of the exceptionally vile MM mine was not all that bad.

[yodelwithyu]

Ok, now for all the updates in novel form. I know that being in touch with exMM is not a good thing at all, but in general, the bad days have been few and far between, as chronicled above. But I know there should be no bad days. A very dear friend I have made from LS asked me if I was stopping my life for him. And save for the times I change my schedule a tiny bit for some phone time, the answer is a definite NO. First and foremost in the dating/love department. There is literally no scope me dating or falling in love here, so at least I know I am not robbing myself of that by being in touch with him.

 

In fact, for the most part, I am more active and happier in my home country since I made is my base in 2009. I have been more active in socializing with acquaintances and friends. I have also started a new part time job…as a co-therapist, of all things. Apparently, my years of over-analyzing everything and everyone has paid off. As I have mentioned before, the mental health care system here is abysmal. So when I went to meet the psychiatrist with my ex (November), I impressed him enough with my direction of the relationship and his personality, and my theoretical knowledge of psychology, that he offered to train me to work for him. I will be looking into getting certified soon. As I have said, I have ever found a therapist suited of my needs here, so I am working with a very specific demographic of people who can relate to me in language, culture gaps and age.

 

Before I start on the updates with exMM, I would like to say that mostly because of here, I know about things like cake-eating, breadcrumbs, future-faking and the general unicorn land. And it makes me stronger. It makes me see more clearly. Having said that, I can give a person one chance and listen with a sack full of salt.

 

For exMM and I, the last month or so, sh*t got real. I think that our time in NC allowed us both to be a little more honest with what out wants and needs are. I know for one, I had never expected for him to leave his wife for me or ever told him that. I had never even said that I want him to be with just me, because that is just a nice way of putting it. And he had never said that he has considered leaving her for me. At this point, it doesn’t matter if he is saying it to keep me hooked, because I have felt what it is like to be an actual OW these last two months, and it is not something I am ok with, no matter how much I love the person. The last few weeks have mostly been discussions on the situation at hand. I didn’t want to give him advice on what to do, as I would never want that to come back and bite me in the ass for being manipulative. I mean, even if I talk objectively, how do I know there is not some evil subconscious genius coaxing me to tell him things that might actually be beneficial to me but detrimental to their relationship.

 

I had actually planned on just not letting him into my 2016, but I have to say that this time round, he has been making efforts that I did not know he would make. He came clean about things he had lied to me about before, knowing full well that I might go NC on him after hearing some of it. He has also made great strides to never really have dark days, even when it means he only gets a few hours of sleep night just so he can coordinate talk times with my new schedules. We generally talk for 1-7 hours a day on the phone. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am assisting him in cheating on his wife emotionally and actively lying to her. So in one of the biggest arguments we had, I said to him that I thought it was so f**ked up that he is talking about making decisions and I can make my own but his W doesn’t get to even know that her whole life is a bloody lie. Why shouldn’t she get a say? Especially after some of the things he told me, which does actually make some of the last ten years of her life a damn farce. I told him, did you ever think that she might not want to be with you if she knows all your truths? Then you don’t have to decide. She will. And besides, he is having a hard time understanding that the choice isn’t between me and her, the choice is between himself and, well, himself. The real versus the masked. All three of us should get a vote. By leaving one out of the triangle, there are more possibilities of backtracking and rewriting history. What ifs. This way, while I wouldn’t say closer, we can at least get a definitive ending. Everyone gets to choose. If someone matches, great, end of story. As I said, I feel sh*t for telling him to even come clean, because I don’t ever want him, but more myself, to feel like I did it for my benefit. But the truth is that it is sick to keep someone you claim to love trapped in a prison when they don’t even know they already have a key to the lock. Everyone should know the truth and make their own informed decisions. Sh*t, I wish I was given the gift of truth that he was married when I met him, I would have never even dated him. I would never have been in this position I am now.

 

Anyway, the funny thing about him coming clean about us being in touch and some other egregious transgressions he had, is that I actually pretty much know that it means the end of us. And I am surprisingly more ok with that than before, when we hadn’t based every bloody things out for an entire month. So here are the options of how things may play out, and what the conclusions are from most likely to least likely:

1. She actually seems legit about walking away, and he will realize for the first time that he can actually lose her, and he will panic and will decide that he finally wants to make his marriage work. In this case, we end it on a civil note and I walk away knowing that at least he is going to try and be honest and honor his commitment. That we didn’t all go through this for him to remain a scumbag serial cheater.

So

maybe him finally coming clean and being himself is a new start for them.

2. She will be upset, but will say that she accepts his past mistakes and that they can work something out about me. In this case, I walk away, because he will still be confused. I don’t want to be the girl that breaks up a marriage, but if the “love” felt was enough, it wouldn’t be that hard to walk away.

So

clearly, it is not a once in-a-lifetime love worth fighting for, and no marriage should break up for anything less.

3. He doesn’t come clean. In this case, I also walk away as it is evidence that he will never be able to choose. If he can’t do right by the woman he has been with half his life, he will never do right by me. Plus, it means nothing will ever change, and he will just live lies his whole life. Frankly, he is just a monster if he wants her to stay not knowing her life is a lie.

So

that is an easy decision on my part.

4. She wants to end it, and he feels relieved. In this case, I urge him to take time to single for the first time since high school, as I don’t want his

GIGs

and brokenness to transfer over to me/us. He needs to know what is out there

so

he can finally know what he wants or doesn’t want before he commits to someone, whether it is her, or me, or someone new. I am not just talking about dating and all. But just how to have alone time, and not do things because you have to compromise, like going out to dinner instead of chilling and watching a game at home. I told him that I wasn’t sure I would survive his single life period, but I sure as sh*t know that we would never survive in the future if he didn’t go through it.

 

So, for the most part, him coming clean still leaves me NOT in a relationship with him, and that is fine. I think the 8000 miles of distance is the biggest blessing in our situation at the moment. If things were to end on his marriage side, it would have been hard for us not to see each other at least once, and then it would be a mess from there on out. The thing is though, that I didn’t put an ultimatum or anything, but I will not be complicit watch a woman waste her life on only lies. So if that is his chosen avenue I am out. Even if all we ever turn out to be are two people who talk incessantly on the phone across the world, I want to do it in the open, without being a secret or duping anyone, and with a clear conscience.

 

Also, I know on these boards we often say, “Believe someone when they show you who they are.” Perhaps I need to be slapped with it to knock the rose colored glasses off my face. Maybe I really do need to see I am disposable, because my self worth is not letting me believe that. He has never made an attempt to walk away or end things. Even on the time that we tried the whole open relationship thing, he did show me he was trying really hard. The thing is, that I have never felt this way about someone before. And yes, already before I found out he was married. All the things that everyone describes happens because it is an affair happened to me before I even knew I was in one. The dreamy cosmic connection, the amazing sex, the whole nine yards. But not because I knew it was a secret or the thrill or whatever. So even if not for anyone else, don’t I owe it to myself to fight for it? But I won’t fight dirty. That is why we have to be grown ass adults who can hash it out and make real life choices leaving no room for ambiguity. Hell, I wish the three of us could all talk together, as crazy as that sounds. No more lies, no hidden agendas.

 

We have only done NC once, but I think this time being back in touch again has given me the fortitude to do it right this next time around. Also, things seem more definitive this time. He will either stay married or become single and live that way for a while. So if he choses to stay married or confused, then this time I won’t romanticize “a great love.” He will have proven to he beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is just like all the other MMs. Actually even worse than most if he was able to fake so well. So this time when we say bye, I WILL block everything and I will let him know in no uncertain terms that if he contacts me again without legal proof of separation/divorce, that I will forward everything I know about his transgressions and things he hid about us to his wife, and I will burn that bridge down so freaking fast that he might singe his rear end trying to run from the flames.

 

I am not saying it will be easy, or that I will be totally together. But it feels different this time. I feel different this time. I know I will be sad, but that is ok. Because I’m not hoping for a happy ending through all of this. I am just looking for a clear, honest, genuine beginning. And if that so happens to be on my own, it is fine. At least I know I tried, and that he did too, and there really was nothing there, except a cliche story. I will still be heartbroken, but I can live with that better than I can with all the “what ifs.” So Monday it is.

 

Until then,

Xoxo

[minimariah]

Yodel...

 

just wanted to give you my support. i trust that you do what is the best for you & i know you'll come oit of everything a stronger woman - no matter how it ends. i absolutely believe in your strength and healing.

 

good luck.

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks MiniMariah! For the first time in a long long time, I DO feel like everything will be fine no matter the outcome. I feel so much stronger and accepting than I did even a month ago.

 

I do have to say the one thing I do not think I can ever forgive or forget: having a certain innocence taken away from me that I didn't know I still possessed in my 30's. The innocence of still believing people are inherently good. I am not saying I think all people are terrible and scary now, but it never even crossed my mind that someone could ever start a relationship with me being taken/married. And that in turn took away from me the believe that I would always do the right thing.

 

Anyway, lessons learned all around. The most important one being that I have spaces and places in my heart I didn't know existed. So I can hope to one day find the right (at this point "right" just seems to mean available/not married/not a lair) person to explore those places with.

 

Kiss kiss!

[yodelwithyu]

He is one of the exceptionally vile MM mine was not all that bad.

 

While I do agree that it was vile to let me fall in love with him thinking he was single and available and even more vile what he did to his W, I actually don’t think he was a vicious as some that I have read about here. For one thing, he NEVER ever said a bad thing about his W. He might have stated things like “she likes material things,” but in relation to him not caring about material positions. Or just simply saying “She can have a temper,” when asked about what were obviously fight marks. He never stated that anything was missing in his marriage, but that maybe something was missing in him. He also never pretended not to love her or care for her. I have to say, I admire that about him when I see what other exMM’s say about their Ws, for whatever reason.

 

The other thing, I read a week or so ago on another thread, I can’t remember, but to the effect of the MM’s not checking up on someone when she her H thought she was missing and called the OM, or another who said her MM doesn’t even ask about her disabled child. Or the ones that ghost and come back over and over. That is insane! ExMM knows the names of all my immediate family members, and their “titles,” which I call them, because in my culture you don’t refer to elders by their names. He is always asking after my mom. And God forbid that my messages show up as green text messages instead of the usual blue iMessages, he will find a way to contact me to make sure I am ok.

 

I’m not sure he knows what love is at all, but I do think he believes he loves me. Whatever that means.

 

Now I am not saying he isn’t a sh*thead for dragging me into this or being a serial cheater to his W, but except for the times he wasn’t present because he is MARRIED, I can’t think of a time he hurt my feelings. You know, minus the everyday jabs of spending time with someone else. I guess I am just trying to say that they are all vile because they are cheaters. But it is definitely a spectrum thing!

 

Oh, also, I am pretty sure this weekend is leading up to NC time for me, and I am surprisingly more OK with it than I thought. There is nothing left unsaid this time around.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi there. In your 4 scenarios, they all start with he or she. Where is the "I"? I want to gently point out you are giving all your personal power away and letting others potentially decide your future for you. What do YOU want to happen?

Edited January 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote

[yodelwithyu]

Hi there. In your 4 scenarios, they all start with he or she. Where is the "I"? I want to gently point out you are giving all your personal power away and letting others potentially decide your future for you. What do YOU want to happen?

 

DAMN that was a long ass post I made last night! The quote is so long!

 

What I want is impossible. To actually explore the connection/love I have without scattering the ashes of the marriage, without the pressure on a new relationship because of said ashes if the marriage crumbles, and for him and I to make decisions on our own. But that is not to be. There aren't two of us in this "relationship," there are three. To be quite honest, I really do wish the three of us could talk it out. Get rid of all the lies, secrets and then just move forward. Bring all the dirt into the light and see what, if anything, shines.

 

I see how the scenarios look like what they want, but I was just kind of playing versions of what will happen in the next few days in my head. At this point, all I really want is not to be an OW or a dirty secret as I am not built for this. I want to live honestly, even if we are just talking. If that means he comes clean, great, we will go from there. If that means I walk away because he didn't come clean, great, he really is just one of those MMs. In the end, everyone involved in this relationship should get a say and a fair chance so that there is nothing left unsaid and no stone left unturned. Hell, I would invite his mom to the conversation too, if I could. There HAS to be a better way than for people to make decisions for each other behind each other's backs in secrecy and shame. It is what is it. Let us own it and move forward, otherwise we (they) will always be stuck in the same dysfunctions and same what ifs.