Married woman meets with ex, many feelings emerge- has anyone else been through this?

[dazedandconfuzzled]

I am in dreadful need of some advice. Sorry in advance for the long post. I hope putting it 'out there' may help me get a grip on the issue.

 

I have been with my husband for almost 17 years now, with 2 children. I was 17 when I met him, we married when I was 20 and we started a family at 23. When I met him, I was just a child, and he was only 20. I was always more mature than others my own age, and we obviously felt something for one another back then.

 

Before meeting my husband, I had my first serious boyfriend when I was 15. We dated for almost a year and I gave him my virginity. It was a wonderful relationship, and an amazing time to be alive. We broke up because he was getting ready to go to college and he was going away for the whole summer. I also found out later that his father was pressuring him to break up with me because he was too young to commit at 17. I understand this. I hated my high school at the time so I got my GED diploma and signed up for college. Oddly enough, we ended up having a class together. Long story short, he asked me to get back together, as he missed me terribly during the summer, and he regretted breaking up with me. I said no because I think I knew that I was too young to keep dating one person at that stage of my life. So we parted ways, and stayed friends. We occasionally spoke on the phone when we needed advice and I was a bridesmaid at his wedding. He never respected or liked my husband. He always thought I could have done better.

 

He was also not particularly happy with his wife, I later found out. We eventually lost touch over the years yet we (both) ended up moving and now live about 25 minutes from one another. Lately I had the need to ask his professional advice (he is in a health-related field) on a topic concerning my youngest child so I tracked him down. Talking to him again brought back a flood of memories. We spoke for a bit, then he suggesting we get together with the families. I asked my husband about this and he flat out said no way. Then my ex called me the next day and suggested we get together to catch up. He was being a bit clandestine about it as he did not want to hurt his wife. He said she would not be happy if we saw each other. I was not planning for anything to happen, and in fact nothing happened at all, except that he stopped by for coffee and we chatted about what we went through all these years. We both felt a little guilty, I think, that we had to hide this visit from our spouses. He did confide in me that he was not happy with his wife and he said that he felt like all his life he has been waiting for a true love to come along, but he never again found what we had once had. He said had occasional affairs because life is too short, yada, yada. I too have had an occasional fling. I'm not saying it's right, but I did it for my sanity. My husband is a good man but he is very lazy at home, never wants to do anything or make an effort either in our relationship or in general. We do get along, but sometimes I feel like we are platonic buddies living together. Ok, we have an occasional romp, but it is becoming increasingly more rare. Also, my husband never hugs me, or makes me feel special or womanly. He even refers to me as 'dude' sometimes. This makes me so mad! My ex, on the other hand is very loving and emotionally open and expressive, unlike my husband.

 

In the past, the people that I picked for short term flings (there have been 3), were specifically selected because I knew it would go no further than that. This is different. I am agonizing over making the decision whether or not to take this further because we have such a history. If we slept together now, I'm afraid either we will both want more, and our significant others and children will then be affected, or, one of us may want more, and the other may not, and someone will be hurt, or we may find that our memories may be better than the reality. All 3 scenarios scare me.

 

But if we do nothing, we could potentially be losing out on the greatest love that ever came our way. My ex calls me constantly and we talk for hours on end. He said in the last 10 years, he has not spoken so much to anybody as much as he talked to me in one day. We can't get enough conversation, and we met for coffee again. When saying goodbye, he tried to kiss me, but I was not about to do anything to make me feel guiltier than I already felt. Remember, up to this point, all I'd done wrong with him was meet with an old friend 2 times for coffee and conversation without mentioning this to my spouse. That's bad enough, and I was not about to add fuel to the fire. I turned away and told him no. I said we'd better think this over big time. We both have a lot to lose.

 

BUT, my question is, on the other hand, what if we have this amazing love that we'll never have again? Isn't that a lot to lose also? We have an amazing mental connection. He said that after our long conversations, after we hang up, he can't wait to call me again to talk some more. I can't comment on a physical connection yet as I have stayed away from that. We have discussed the option of breaking off the friendship now, before it goes any further, but we both decided we don't want to lose each other again. Is this destiny, to find each other now? We are in a pickle. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I have been feeling like my heart is in a vice until I talk to him, and then afterwards, I feel better, until I realize it will be hours or possibly a day or two before we talk again. Then the pain or heartache feeling comes back. What am I feeling? It's not lust. I know this. But it's a physical pain. Anxiety, maybe?

HELP! Has anyone been through something like this, and what did you do about it? Were you sorry or happy with the way it worked out? Thanks for listening to my ranting!

[whichwayisup]

The solutions.

 

1) Each of you file for Divorce from your spouses. Then be together forever, since this man is the love of your life.

 

2) End it with this man, confess to your husband, MAKE him go to marriage councilling with you and work on the marriage together. I'm sure he's not happy either.

 

3) Go ahead and have the affair. Ruin everybodys lives.

 

Each of you are lying to your spouses...WELL aware lies...Lies that will really deeply hurt. You know this is wrong. DO you love this ex enough to actually file for divorce? Will he file for divorce as well? You can't have your cake and eat it too...Meaning try this guy out, then if it doesn't pan out, both of you head back home again.

 

I don't envy you and the problems you have right now...It's early, you're not TOO attached yet to walk away...That is my advice, walk away - Head to MC and really try to fix your own life with your husband.

 

I feel bad for the kids.

[Velveteel]

If you cheat with your ex or end your relationship with your husband without having done everything in your power to save the marriage, you will be setting yourself and everyone up for misery. You're already having an emotional affair. You can't see clearly. You're under the sway of your hormones. Get alone with this guy for six weeks and those hormones will shift and alter, and you'll begin to feel a horrible pendulum dragging your heart back toward your husband. Not necessarily romantic feelings, but tremendous guilt, loss, remorse, etc., that will poison your new relationship.

 

I don't see many options. I've been in a similar situation, and I know how you feel. But you must cut off or sharply reduce contact with your ex, and TRY LIKE HELL with your husband for a year or more. Let him know the marriage is in crisis. Get counselling. Do everything you can. If it fails, you'll feel much more justified in leaving the marriage, although there are still no guarantees about a real life with your ex.

[dazedandconfuzzled]

whichwayisup, thanks for the reply. I have thought about this, and I am not 100% sure that my ex is my soulmate. I guess I would not know this unless we become more intimate. Right now, we are only mentally/emotionally connected. Soulmates should have a physical connection as well.

My problem is that I am hesitant to get intimate, although I have been intimate with him years ago when we were teenagers. It was great then, but he was my first - what did I know at that age?

 

And actually, (this is the strange coincidence) my husband and I are actually not married currently-We got a divorce a couple of years ago for some practical reasons. But we are living as husband and wife, though sometimes I feel like we are just friends. And my ex is also technically not married, they had a ceremony, but they did not ever get legally married. I know these are only technicalities, and yet we still feel bound by our relationships. We consider our 'significant others' to be our spouses. But clearly that is not the issue. If we do move further with this relationship, people may get hurt, depending on the outcome, it could be us or our families, or both. This is a tough situation to be in.

 

My husband is perfectly happy. He is very passive and sometimes a bit boring, because he is too lazy to live his life to the fullest. I don't think he'd go to counseling. We've discussed it years ago. It's too much work for him.

[TMCM]

dazedandconfuzzled:

 

I am not 100% sure that my ex is my soulmate. I guess I would not know this unless we become more intimate. Right now, we are only mentally/emotionally connected. Soulmates should have a physical connection as well.

 

The problem with people who have a history of cheating on their significant others is that they foolishly beleive that once they meet their 'soulmate' [a rubbish word if there ever was one] that they'll live happily ever after. Remember that what they can do with you, they can do to you. Have you thought that maybe your gut feeling is telling you that your ex is not to be trusted in a committed relationship? I'd suggest that you take off those rose colored glasses and start seeing the real man your ex truly is.

 

My husband is perfectly happy. He is very passive and sometimes a bit boring, because he is too lazy to live his life to the fullest. I don't think he'd go to counseling. We've discussed it years ago. It's too much work for him.

 

Was he always this way? Chances are that he was not for very few women, including yourself, would want to start a committed relationship with such a man. No he probably became very complacent, like many H and W, and beleived that once he had a W that he no longer had to work on fulfilling her emotional needs.

 

One curious thing about the discovery of a spouse's affair is that many betrayed spouses get a very loud wakeup call and rise to the ocassion to once again become the person that the unfaithful spouse fell in love with. What do you have to lose if you tell your H about your 3 affairs and your present emotional affair? Are you afraid that he will make the decision to change for the better the onus will be on you to change? It would complicate things for you considerably wouldn't it?

 

TMCM

[dazedandconfuzzled]

TMCM,

Actually, when I was 25, he did find out about the affair (the first) that was going on at the time. He was mad as hell, but instead of understanding that something was missing from my life (As I did clearly explain it to him) and that it drove me away, he did not step up to the plate to change. Instead he took all his anger out on me and due to my guilt, I took all the blame for it. Then, in order to help him get over it, also had to take a lot of verbal abuse and nastiness for a long time. It was a mess. I did have to change though. I became meek and complacent for a few years and again wondered was that all there was to life. I didn't have another fling again until years later, and I made sure that since he didn't get it, any more flings would need to be more discreet.

 

As for my ex, we have discussed the possibility of cheating if we got together, as we have both been guilty of this in the past. That is, would he or I even want to continue to have flings if we were together? Would we have that need to be with other people if we were so right for each other. We both discovered that this is a very hypothetical question, and may not have an answer, as many relationships years later can fall into a similar rut. Who knows what can happen. I'd like to think that if things were better, I'd not have the need for others as long as my needs were being fulfilled. I'd like to think that about the ex as well. But this is all very hypothetical.

[TMCM]

dazedandconfuzzled,

 

I'm sorry that your H did not 'step up to the plate' after your first affair and chose to feed his bitterness but why then have you chosen to remain married to him? The children? I understand that they are a very powerful incentive to stay married but even if you were to divorce him you will not escape from having to deal with him until the children grow up and become adults. Furthermore, if you continue the pattern of having more affairs, there is a good chance that at least one of your children will find out and end up emotionally damaged. So if you have no hope for your marriage, then do the honorable thing for everybody involved then leave your H and start a new life independent of any man.

 

As far as your ex is concerned, remember that in both of your cases, the old saying 'past behavior is indicative of future behavior' is extremely accurate. BOTH of you must accept that you have issues that are independent of your spouses that cause you to engage in affairs and have the resolve to do everything it takes to resolve said issues. Another thing you may want to take into account is that unlike OW, like you, OM seldom end their marriages to marry the OW. If the OM truly loves you, like you love him, then have him prove it to you by divorcing his W [you don't have to since you are already technically divorced], then watch his reaction. Don't be surprised if he starts inventing a bunch of excuses on why he can't divorce his W. So if I were you, I wouldn't bet the farm on a future with the OM until I saw real proof of his love.

 

TMCM

[dazedandconfuzzled]

Originally posted by TMCM

 

As far as your ex is concerned, remember that in both of your cases, the old saying 'past behavior is indicative of future behavior' is extremely accurate. BOTH of you must accept that you have issues that are independent of your spouses that cause you to engage in affairs and have the resolve to do everything it takes to resolve said issues. Another thing you may want to take into account is that unlike OW, like you, OM seldom end their marriages to marry the OW. If the OM truly loves you, like you love him, then have him prove it to you by divorcing his W [you don't have to since you are already technically divorced], then watch his reaction. Don't be surprised if he starts inventing a bunch of excuses on why he can't divorce his W. So if I were you, I wouldn't bet the farm on a future with the OM until I saw real proof of his love.

 

TMCM

 

I agree with this 100% about 'past behavior is indicative of future behavior', however that behavior is based upon certain causes (cause & effect). If the cause is no longer there, the behavior goes away too.

 

I also know that OM's usually don't end their marriages. The thing is that he is also not 'legally' married at this time, and technically he is free to go as well. But he also does not want to hurt his family as I do not want to hurt mine. Also, I am not sure that I love him in that way so many years down the line, regardless of what he is telling me. Yes we have an awesome mental, emotional connection, but that is not everything. There has to be a certain physical spark as well and I'm not sure if there is one yet. However, he 'gets' me and I 'get' him. This is not common for me. We have just reconnected and are still trying to sort out the feelings. My main problem is that IF I find the old feelings are coming back, then it may be for real, and this is getting too complicated. Now mind you, we have done nothing wrong yet except to discuss possibilities and consequences. We have been very critical of ourselves, our issues and our thoughts and feelings. We realized that the more you seek out answers, the more questions there will be. I jokingly said to him, we should drop all contact for another 10 years and then talk again and see how we feel then. Then we'll know for sure if it's a real connection. But neither of us wants to stop talking for another 10 years. If we can't see each other, we may just end up talking on the phone every chance we get.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by dazedandconfuzzled

And actually, (this is the strange coincidence) my husband and I are actually not married currently-We got a divorce a couple of years ago for some practical reasons. But we are living as husband and wife, though sometimes I feel like we are just friends. And my ex is also technically not married, they had a ceremony, but they did not ever get legally married. I know these are only technicalities, and yet we still feel bound by our relationships. We consider our 'significant others' to be our spouses. But clearly that is not the issue. If we do move further with this relationship, people may get hurt, depending on the outcome, it could be us or our families, or both. This is a tough situation to be in.

 

Sounds doubtful to me...

[dazedandconfuzzled]

Originally posted by PatientOne

Sounds doubtful to me...

 

Patientone,

There is nothing to be doubtful about. I have no reason to lie about these details on an anonymous board. The facts are as I laid them out. We (both couples) are not legally married to our spouses for various different reasons. However, we consider ourselves married. I'm sure that this brings into consideration a common law marriage situation.

 

Furthermore, although there is not a piece a paper legally binding us to one another, we have been with our spouses for many years, and do indeed love them. I may not be 'in love' with him nor he with her, but we care very deeply for them and want to do the right thing both for us and for them.

 

The marriage license is not the point, actually. If one is with someone in a good committed relationship, whether there is a paper or not, they should be faithful. I understand this and agree. However, I think I may have checked out of the 'marriage' years ago, and did stay for the kids. It's the same old story.

 

I'd have a short fling and feel good about myself for a bit. Then the misery or apathy returns, and for years I become resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life. (I think many people would understand this feeling). So years will go by and suddenly another short fling emerges. Bear in mind that I am not promiscuous - I can count my partners on one hand, and that includes ex boyfriends, husband, and lovers. There are many women who have had many more sexual experiences than I. Was I wrong to cheat earlier? Yes. Was I meant to live a life of boredom, and complacency? I hope not. Do I want to leave my husband. Sometimes. Often. It depends. Am I in the position to do so right now? Not if I want the kids to have a decent life. But no marriage partner deserves to be miserable all the time. I cater to my husbands needs and I try to show him affection and love. I don't feel the same from him. I know he loves me but he never shows it, ergo, I never feel it.

 

I could have gone out and screwed my ex's brains out, but I didn't for many reasons. Do we try to keep others happy? Or do we, in this short and sometimes miserable life try to make ourselves happy? This is the dilemma. Since we have such a history we are both very scared of doing anything. But to do nothing and lose all contact again is hard to bear. The point is that with the situation we are in today, perhaps making oneself a little happier is not always wrong. I guess it depends on what we do.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by dazedandconfuzzled

I'd have a short fling and feel good about myself for a bit. Then the misery or apathy returns, and for years I become resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life.

 

 

This seems to be the real problem here. You need to find out what's causing you to feel this way. Maybe you're depressed, maybe you have other unresolvesd issues. Either way, whoever you end up with, this whole cycle will eventually start again if you don't find happiness within.

[dazedandconfuzzled]

Originally posted by PatientOne

This seems to be the real problem here. You need to find out what's causing you to feel this way. Maybe you're depressed, maybe you have other unresolvesd issues. Either way, whoever you end up with, this whole cycle will eventually start again if you don't find happiness within.

 

You're absolutely right about the happiness from within part. But when you are with another person shouldn't they also try to make you happy / content to some degree? I am actually not depressed. In fact I have never known myself to be depressed in my entire life. Yes, sometimes I feel sad or unhappy. It does come and go. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up in this relationship, and many times I am indifferent, since I have made my bed...

I don't think this is the same thing as depressed.

 

I have always prided myself on being the optimistic type of person who sees the glass as half full, regardless of the circumstances. I usually the world through rose colored glasses and I am certain that what is meant to be is meant to be. That does not mean that I do not sometimes agonize over a tough decision. And I truly believe that someday I might find the right person, or maybe I already know him. What I will do with this knowledge is a different story.

 

Could there be some unresolved issues? Yes, there certainly could. I don't know any normal functioning adult whose life is totally free of unresolved issues. But maybe it's just a matter of finding someone that you connect with on so many levels.

 

I don't know. That's why I posted. I wanted to hear from others who are, or have been in my shoes.

[whichwayisup]

So maybe going to see a therapist on your own could help YOU. Find out why you have some self confidence issues, the need to cheat and have to have attention by OM.

 

Could be something from your childhood, some bad experiences, the way your parents treated you, who knows, but something inside of you isn't being met and that is driving you out there for A's.

[dazedandconfuzzled]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

So maybe going to see a therapist on your own could help YOU. Find out why you have some self confidence issues, the need to cheat and have to have attention by OM.

 

I happen to disagree. I don't think I have self confidence issues. I think the whole issue stems from the fact that to my husband, I may as well be a piece of furniture. Now if I was the TV, we'd have no problem.

 

The point is that when you do marry someone, you want them to be loving and affectionate, and show you some attention and make you feel cared for. That makes the other spouse feel good.

 

I have discussed this with him many times before - it never works. He doesn't get it. So, add to that the fact that he's rarely interested in any intimacy, and you've got a recipe for an affair.

 

Can you fault a person who's dying of thrist for drinking a glass of water? Or a begrudge a starving person for having a meal?

 

This is the way I see it. Don't get me wrong. I do love my husband, he is my family, part of me. But every so often I have such a thirst for that affection that I do not get. It's especially hard when all the people around you are affectionate and loving to one another, and you sit there and wonder what happened... Then you think 'well maybe he doesn't love you anymore' or 'maybe he's sick of you' but he doesn't say anything about it. This is why I feel like I do, and why I occasionally roam. Yes, it makes me feel good, it makes me feel attractive. But the number one reason is that it makes me feel ALIVE! Whereas with my husband, after a while of feeling like he doesn't 'see me', I sometimes begin to feel dead inside.

 

Fortunately, there is nothing in my childhood that has caused this. I had a great childhood. I can't complain. Something in my marriage just is simply not meeting my needs. That's the driving force.

 

I would be upset to see my marriage end. We have a lot of history and families are intertwined, so I would avoid it if I could for the children at least until they are in college. Then we'll see.

[Owl]

Well, I find it interesting that this entire thread is about YOU...about YOUR needs.

 

Any thoughts about how your husband would feel if he knew about all the 'flings', the extra-marital sex, etc...?

 

You've talked with him about how you feel, and he's not changed. So, have you taken any other steps, like seeking marriage counseling? Have you clearly communicated to him what it's driven you to do?

 

I'm sorry. You seem like a very intelligent, well educated lady, but you're absolutely sitting here justifying all the cheating on your husband, by basically pointing all the blame on issues in your marriage back on him. It doesn't work that way. Marriage is a partnership, and if it's not going well, the responsibility for that (and for fixing it) belongs to BOTH partners. Going outside of your marriage is never justifiable. What STEPS have you taken to fix your marriage?

 

Personally, I'd suggest that you tell your husband the truth about all that you've done. As I've said, a marriage is a partnership, and right now, he has no idea what your half of it is really like. He's living a lie, created by your cheating. Tell him, and then the BOTH of you should decide what your next steps should be...either fixing the marriage, or ending it.

[dazedandconfuzzled]

Originally posted by Owl

Well, I find it interesting that this entire thread is about YOU...about YOUR needs.

 

Any thoughts about how your husband would feel if he knew about all the 'flings', the extra-marital sex, etc...?

 

You've talked with him about how you feel, and he's not changed. So, have you taken any other steps, like seeking marriage counseling? Have you clearly communicated to him what it's driven you to do?

 

 

Yes, this thread is about me and my needs. I posted on this thread because I wanted to hear about what other people who may have been in a similar situation have done.

 

Honestly, I don't think I deserve such a bashing from 'holier than thou' people. Please do not judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes.

 

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a bad wife. I am attentive and good to my husband. But it is often a one way street. As I mentioned before in one of my posts, he is not interested in counseling. This is a man who would rather watch TV on his downtime than do just about anything else.

 

But I don't really feel the need to explain myself again. Have I told him what it's driven me to do? Why? He knew about the first affair and if he didn't change his tune after that and chose to think that it could never happen again, what's the use? There are people who prefer to be ignorant. Ignorance = bliss.

 

Marriage is a partnership, and unfortunately, he is not participating, so what's a woman to do? I don't want to split up now, the children are still young, and it would hurt them.

 

Yes, it's wrong but I do justify it! Since when is it wrong to see to your own needs after everyone else is being lovingly cared for? As it is, I put myself last every day, as most wives/mothers do.

 

I am not perfect. No one is. But some people are more perfect for us than others, and some people are just trying to achieve a small measure of happiness in their lives, that they otherwise would never see.

 

I've heard and know and agree with all the reasons why I shouldn't do what I'm doing. But that's coming from my brain. My heart, however, wants to be happy. Sometimes the brain and the heart disagree. Who's to say which one is wrong. I am starting to believe that there is no right answer. Every path is leading to another fork in the road, and who's to say which is the right one? There are more questions than answers.

 

Bashing is not helpful. Please share with me your experiences instead.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'd have a short fling and feel good about myself for a bit. Then the misery or apathy returns, and for years I become resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life. (I think many people would understand this feeling). So years will go by and suddenly another short fling emerges.

 

So obviously this dysfunctional merry-go-round you've been riding hasn't exactly been working for ya, has it? When the ride stops, you still find yourself stuck in the same place, doing the same things over and over again wondering why you're not getting different results.

 

Every path is leading to another fork in the road

 

Only for those who move forward. Unfortunately, because of your own complacency, you've been standing still. And on those rare occasions when you do decide to move, you simply stumble around in circles.

 

You're not 'married'…so where are these invisible shackles that hold you hostage in a relationship you clearly never invested yourself whole-heartedly in since the beginning??

[jmargel]

Coooooooooommmmmmmmmunication! That's where it is at. Once that breaks down every else that "good communication" supports will break down as well.

 

Why did you get married to this man? What made you fall in love with him? Yes he probably changed over time, but so did you. It's a two way street here.

 

Marriage is a partnership, and unfortunately, he is not participating, so what's a woman to do? I don't want to split up now, the children are still young, and it would hurt them.

 

Sounds like neither of you are participating. I'm not saying this to bash you or act 'holier than thou'. It takes two to make a marriage work but whenever infidelity comes into play it usually breaks apart the foundation of a marriage, plus it usually taints whatever that couple had together.

 

But I don't really feel the need to explain myself again. Have I told him what it's driven me to do? Why? He knew about the first affair and if he didn't change his tune after that and chose to think that it could never happen again, what's the use? There are people who prefer to be ignorant. Ignorance = bliss.

 

So, since you said you are *not* going to leave the marriage you are justifying going out with your ex because of what your husband fails to do? It didn't work the first time, what do you think is going to make it work this time? Cheating on him is only going to bring more negative results. You don't teach a dog tricks by beating it when the dog fails to accomplish the trick. You reward it for good behavior.

 

Yes, it's wrong but I do justify it! Since when is it wrong to see to your own needs after everyone else is being lovingly cared for? As it is, I put myself last every day, as most wives/mothers do.

 

You get what you put into the marriage. If you are not receiving love then your husband probably feels the same way. He just doesn't communicate it in the way it should be. It could be the way he was raised. Good chance he's too afraid to confront everything that has happened in the past.

 

This ex is not lovingly caring for you. It's an infactuation right now. Once reality sets in you'll be kicking yourself and so will he. This is not going to do anything but bring more hurt and aggrovation into your marriage. You will be compounding your problems 100x by continuing this affair with this man. No it's not physical (yet) but it's emotional, which to some men is worse.

 

Every path is leading to another fork in the road, and who's to say which is the right one? There are more questions than answers.

 

Instead of taking a 'fork' in the road, why not go straight? Give your husband the ultamatium. Write him a letter saying you want to goto marriage counseling and if he doesn't that shows you he does not wish to continue this marriage. What you are responsible for is showing your husband respect. Do this by stopping contact with this OM. It is one thing to say you had enough and want out of the marriage, it's another to knowingly want to stay in it and coming up with reasons on why it's ok to have an affair.

 

You need to make yourself happy. It is *not* the responsibility of your spouse to make you happy. He is there to enjoy life with and to be there when life is cruel towards you. You two lack quite a bit of communication between each other. Finding a good licensed marriage counselor will help bring back that love & spark. But it will take time and patience. Often couples get so comfortable with each other they take each other for granted. Not knowingly but they still do. I have a feeling you feel like you have been taken for granted by him. You have every right to feel hurt but by doing what you are doing is not going to allivate that hurt.

 

As for this OM, there are TWO sides to every story. Of course he will give you the sob story about his wife. Check out the OM/OW forum on here and I can guarantee you that every story there has a bad ending. We are not here to preach to you, however alot of members here have read countless stories and are the victim themselves of being cheated on. I would probably guess if most victims here would have "truly" known how their partner was feeling that they would have taken the course to recovery instead of letting it go to the point where an affair happens.

[Sal Paradise]

Your husband lazy or not deserves better than a selfish deceitful wife such as yourself.

[stuckbloke]

You said you wanted to hear from someone who has been in your shoes. I have been somewhere very close - I hope I can help.

I have thought of myself as a decent husband - I work hard, earn decent money, do over half the childcare, the cooking, I was complementary, affectionate etc, and it felt like a one way street. I got very very down about the marriage and said so repeatedly, to no effect. I eventually fell into an EMA with someone, we started to fall in love, it was amazing at first, and now I'm in a world of pain. I'm trying very, very hard to find wisdom, and a big part of this is to TAKE GOOD ADVICE!!!!!!!

 

The situation you're headed for is impossible for you to sustain your self respect in. Having an affair will KEEP you in an unhappy marriage, because you'll find you only get your needs met by having both people in your life. Take a look at the Other woman/man board and you'll see how it plays out. You will never KNOW if you and your OP could be happy together because you'll not be in a real relationship in the real world - you'll be acting our your fantasies in a world free of responsibillities - it will be amazing, but you'll never know if you can really have a future together. You could abandon your H, but you'll never know whether your marriage could have worked, and you will have to leave knowing you didn't try everything. Your conscience will bug you about that forever.

 

Someone posted some very wise advice for those of us having afafirs, which i think offers are real way forward....

 

1. Split with OP and promise NC unless you're both free to be with each other. It'll hurt like hell to do it, but it will be the right thing to do. If you are soulmates, nothing on earth will keep you apart in the long run.

2. Tell yours spouse that you've had an affair and try everything you can (including MC) to make it work for at least 6 months, if not a year.

3. If it doesn't work out, or if you're still in love with your OP after 6 months/year of no contact, get a divorce.

4. Emerge from this process either with a good marriage, or free to see your lover. Either way, you're a winner.

 

If you havn't started to have an affair yet, you need to tell your H that you are so down about your marriage that you are SERIOUSLY tempted to have an affair, and that you want MC immediately. I know you probably don't feel like doing this, because you have the tantalising prospect of being with OP in front of you and it would be so much easier to go with him than to go through this process with your H. Two possible outcomes - he ignores you, or he agrees. If he ignores your plea, you should get a divorce, and you'll be free to be with OP (hooray!). If he agrees, you can work through MC and you may come out of it with a really good marriage that meets your needs (hooray!) or you might end up separating. In which case, you're free to be with OP (hooray!). Can you see how doing this gives you good outcomes, whatever happens? I promise, promise you, from bitter experience, that if you go ahead with the affair, however good it feels to get the affection, understanding and touch that you crave, you will end up in a ****hole of pain, and so will your OP and your Husband.

[Owl]

You know, I just went back and re-read my post after reading your response. It's interesting to me, as I don't see a single thing in there that's 'holier than thou', or a bash against you. Take a look at it again, and please feel free to point out to me where I attacked you, or where I came across as 'holier than thou'. I don't see it.

 

You may take my next comments as a bash...they're not. They're observations, and you're free to read them or not, as you feel.

 

It's clear that you haven't come here for advice. You're not here looking for suggestions on what you might do to make your situation better. You're here hoping that someone will agree with you that what you're doing is justified, that it's 'ok'. You may find people here that do that too. I won't.

 

My comments were aimed at helping you to see the big picture...to step outside of yourself, and to look at ALL the people involved. I'm sorry that you're not able to do that. I won't bother posting any further suggestions or comments to your thread.

[dazedandconfuzzled]

stuckbloke,

Thank you for your advice and your honesty. It is much more helpful to hear advice from a person that has been in a similar situation. I will seriously think on this. Though this affair seems "easier", ultimately in the end, it would probably be a more difficult road to navigate, because I am afraid it would become much more serious. I need to have a serious talk with my husband, and I will talk to my ex to ask him to try to do the same with his wife. If it's meant to be, it will be, with or without us doing anything right now.

 

Thank you.

[stuckbloke]

Spot on - that is a very, very wise move - I wish I had done the same. If you do that, you will NOT regret it, I assure you. And be careful about your ex pressuring you into taking it further - if you start something before dealing with your current relationships, you will descend into chaos - you'll get hooked on his kiss/touch/etc (this involves chemical addiction, by the way!), and you will have crossed a line, so will start to decieve your partners. Best case scenario is no further contact between you two unless you're really free to do so.