Break-up causing suicidal thoughts?

[Naysayer22]

Hello, I'm a 20 year old bisexual female. I've suffered from severe depression for many years now so any kind of problem I run into, I can't seem to overcome it like another would.

 

On the topic of the break up in which is mentioned in the title, I'll give you a run through of it.

I was out and comfortable with my sexuality and all of my friends knew about the relationship, so there was no need to hide. She was my first, well, everything. She was the only girl I had ever felt such a deep emotional connection to and strived to each other happy. We dated for just over a year.

 

However, the problems crept in when I started college and met a wide-range of new friends. Without hesitation, I told my new friends that I had a girlfriend and continued as usual. One male friend in particular became a really close one, he was the guy I turned to for advice and we hung out a lot. Obviously, I had no romantic feelings towards him whatsoever, yet he had expressed his feelings in the form of making an advance towards me when he thought that my relationship was on a break; I rejected him, and immediately told my girlfriend and took distance. He apologized endlessly and I could tell he meant it sincerely so we became friends again and eventually started hanging out. There were no more advancements. He continued to stand by me as a friend throughout any problems I may have been having.

 

I could feel my relationship crumbling a week or so down the line, yet when I was out in public with my girlfriend, everything was good and well. We held hands and had a good time, but the following day after seeing each other, she told me she needed space because she everything in her life was too much for at the moment, so after not talking for a few days, we both had formed a mutual agreement that it was over but decided to try to stay friends. I asked her if there were any feelings between us and she stated that yes, there were and that feelings don't just disappear. However, a week or two down the line, i found out online that she is in a relationship. That stung, but neither of us were truly happy, so what's so wrong about her moving on quickly? I decided to do the same, whilst remaining friends with her. She turned to me when she was lonely and depressed and classed me as a 'good friend' - all the while, I began hanging out with that friend again due to him sticking by me throughout the break up too. Shockingly to me, I found myself gaining feelings for him after the break up. It was a total shock for me and never saw it coming at all. I tried to force myself to think about something else.

 

During one particular conversation with my ex, she randomly brought up her new partner, so I assumed that we were at a stage where we could openly discuss our feelings, so I brought up the friend and told her that it isn't 'official' yet, but it could be and that I know hearing it may hurt her due to the history behind it.

 

..It did. She accused me of cheating on her, accused me of keeping things behind her back, said it's suspicious, said her heart is in pieces and that she doesn't want to talk to me again. I promptly told her that my feelings happened AFTER the break up. She wouldn't listen and then the argument continued. She wrote all over social media that I 'most likely' cheated and am now with the guy. - without giving me a chance to explain my side. (Granted, it had been less than a month for us both to move on - so that is pretty bad.)

Of course, I see her side of it, I really do. However, I know for a cold hard fact that I NEVER once cheated nor had any investment in anybody else other than her during the relationship.

 

A week or so later, she messaged me telling me that she still doesn't know what to believe and that it's still very suspicious; and claimed that some friends of mine had sent her horrible messages on her tumblr account. (I had never even given her URL to anybody, and on the days that she said she had received the messages, her name had never came up in conversation and neither had tumblr.) I offered to help her find out who did it and then she claimed that she doesn't want anything to do with me and stated, "I thought you'd have more important things to care about, like, I dunno, your boyfriend?" I didn't know what to make of this, so I continued to tell her that I'd try to help and provided 'proof' that I had never mentioned her name nor url to anybody - to which she refused to see it. Alas, three years ago, after we broke up for the first time, she accused me of getting friends to threaten her family. (I had never done this, either) but I have no proof that any of these things DIDN'T happen, since I wasn't around.

 

It sounds extremely childish, but all of this has really gotten me down. My depression flared up to the point of wanting to end everything. I have a STRONG hatred for cheaters, so the allegation got to me more than anything. I don't have any romantic feelings for her and vice-versa, but I'm plagued with the, "what ifs" and they're impacting my mental state more than anything before.

 

What do you make of this? What is the best thing to do?

Thank you for reading

[jen1447]

Hi there. Fellow bisexual woman here.

 

It sounds like your ex is pretty immature. I know it doesn't help to run down someone you once loved, but just to clear things up somewhat on her behavior, she feels bad so she wants you to feel bad so she's punishing you. She doesn't have anything to really punish you on legit, so she's most likely inventing things and casting existing things in a way that portrays you as the bad guy. That's dishonest - both to you and with herself. She's got some growing up to do.

 

As to how you feel, I can understand that it's really disheartening no matter how you slice it. Is your new guy providing you the support you need? What about family and friends? When you're struggling emotionally and spiritually, it's important to take advantage of your support system. That's what they're there for so don't hesitate.

 

Please keep posting here too as much as you need - we're happy to help hold you up in the tough times as well. You'll be ok.