we finally met and I ended up drunk

[marylou]

I am feeling very emotional at the moment and need some good advice. I finally met a 25 year old man I have been chatting online for the past 8 months (he backed off when we became sexual online but said he didn't want to lose touch but just that he's busy). We talked once online for over 10 hours none stop. I know he loved talking to me because of how he was online with me. He said he values all our time online greatly but just doesn't manage to get online as much as he used to. He refused to meet me when I sent him an email because he said it would give me unfair signals. He is a friend of a friends. My friend rang him the other day telling him that he was off out with me and would he like to join us. To my amazement he said yes. We hit it off again immediately and were just like good friends. We had a good time and he drove me home. By the time I got home I was unbelievably drunk (wasn't in the pub though). He took me upstairs to bed and was on his way out when I told him to come here. I ended up doing sexual things to him but he never stopped me. I woke up the next morning and he had gone and I was naked. All I remember is him saying 'you are so drunk', but I was telling him to come here.

 

I emailed him next day saying 'oops why did you let me get in that state'. Trying to make a joke of it. He replied laughing back and said he enjoyed the night (probably more than I did and told me what I did to him). Told me not to worry about things and he didn't stick around because I was so badly.

 

I am wondering now if he'll come online - I bet he won't because he does seem to avoid confrontation.

 

Do you think this man could care for me now he has seen me like that, drunk and naked and the fact that he let me do what I did, if he respected me or had feelings wouldn't he just have walked away?

 

Please help. I feel quite used. I never normally get drunk either. He even saw me being sick. I don't want him to lose respect for me but then again maybe I should him as he was totally sober and at least I had an excuse for what happened.

 

Thanks all

[Tony T]

First of all, though I honor your feelings of being used...this man is a red-blooded heterosexual, most likely with good levels of testosterone. HE WAS LEAVING AND YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU signaled for him to return. Most likely you did it in a very provocative manner...of course, you were too drunk to remember. But there are only one or two men on the planet who aren't going to respond to an offer like that from a pretty lady, I don't care what state she's in. He DID NOT use you. He took your invitation.

 

If he's a decently mature guy, this whole episode will not matter at all. He will consider his time with you while sober...as well as his time with you when you were intoxicated. He may make no judgements at all and give things more time.

 

What may be most troubling to him is that you got drunk at all. Since he did not, this would indicate either he holds a lot of liquor well or he doesn't drink much. People who don't drink much usually don't have great admiration for those who do. So if you get another chance with this guy and you overdrink again, you will be through. I think he will give you another chance.

 

Now if he continues to see you and you get plastered with alcohol every time, then he's just trying to see what sexual things you will do for him in that state.

 

So the key here is you'll just have to cool your jets, relax and wait for him to make the next move. If he does, you will have a chance to show him you can stop at one or two drinks...or not drink at all.

 

For many men, seeing a lady drunk and naked on the first date would be quite exciting and no judgements would be made. However, a serious man looking for a lifetime mate would look back at this drunken naked lady and tell himself this is not the lady he wants for the mother of his children. I don't think he will do that...but when you meet guys you like you should go out of your way to avoid this. If you drink to relax because of intense anxiety under the circumstances, have a doctor prescribe a tranquilizer for use under these conditions.

 

I think you can pull this out...but behave yourself from here on out. And if he goes cold on you, you really don't need a man who rushes to judgement or who will lose respect for you just because you made a mistake. This will also show close mindedness and lack of maturity.

 

We learn a lot of tough lessons sometimes. Don't feel bad about all of this...I've done so much worse if you can imagine.

[Tony T]

Don't dwell on all this but it might be good if in your next communication you work in the fact that this has never happened to you before and you don't usually drink that much. Tell him you were enjoying his company so much you just got carried away.

 

Try to let him know in some way that this is not your normal operating procedure. But once you have communicated this, drop the entire matter and forget it.

[marylou]

Tony - you have made me feel a lot better about this. I emailed him today and made a bit of a joke of it and said that I never get drunk. The truth is I don't at all. I go out once a month with friends and drink but never get drunk. He was driving so didn't drink, but he can get pretty drunk too he told me. He is a bit of a lad and quite immature as well so that's what makes me think he may view me differently.

 

As I had no tea beforehand (too excited meeting him and couldn't eat) that's why. I was ok whilst in his company in the pub but can't remember walking to his car or anything.

 

When I emailed him first just saying 'oops etc' and he replied joking about it all and telling me it was good for him, do you think he is trying to make me feel better or bragging that he got something out of me. The things I did to him were what I was dying to do anyway and what we have talked about online together but cannot belive that I received no pleasure out of this but he did knowing I didn't if you see what I mean.

 

I do understand what you are saying about me inviting him, but the fact that I was well out of it and being sick, would that not have turned a man off. All the mystery about me he had from not ever seeing me and getting close online and then seeing me so vulnerable etc might make him think different and that's what I am scared about.

 

I've asked him to talk to me on messenger but don't think he has got the message yet. I will keep the conversation lighthearted and not ask him what he thinks of me.

 

Thanks again Tony

[Dragonflys]

MaryLou

 

You seem extremely insecure about what he is thinking of you now and that is the problem. I suggest from today you drop the whole matter, and stop probing him for how he feels..that's like pouring gasoline on a fire.

 

If you see it as a good time had, and you show that you want to see him again in the future then that's good.

 

He sounds like a good guy so just take it easy.

 

Oliver

[marylou]

thanks - I'm bound to be insecure about what happened. I feel used because he took advantage when drunk when all along I thought he respected me. That is very hurtful to think I got the man totally wrong and he never cared. I'm usually very good judging people. I didn't have a good time as I was drunk but he got a lot out of it. I've just talked to him online and he says he won't meet me again beccause he doesn't want it to happen again (which I understand if he doesn't want a relationship). I said is it because you know I have feelings for you (told him this once). He said no but doesn't think it is a good idea and he feels a bit bad about stuff. He also was very cold towards me. He said he doesn't blame me for having feelings for him and laughed. It's just his way - always joking around and never takes anything seriously. I'm a joker too actually and majority of our conversations in the past have been teasing and laughing. Occasionally serious stuff too when he needed me to talk to I said I'd like to talk to him again face to face (not necesarily about the other night) because talking occaisonally online is difficult. He said no, but we would probably meet again but not immediately.

 

He also emailed me after the conversation saying he is not going to be on MSN anymore but will go back to using messenger but I wasnt to take it the wrong way. With messenger know one knows when you log on but with MSN they do (I contacted him tonight when he logged on - left it 5 minutes though). I did take it the wrong way though - how could I not.

 

thanks Oliver