Not technically cheating, but should I tell him?

[crazy_grl]

I have a very confusing problem caused by my own stupid actions. It's not technically cheating, but I feel as though it is, and I don't know whether I should tell him about it.

 

Basically, there's a guy I've been friends with for nearly a year. I will call him Bobby. We started out sort of dating and we slept together, then after a month or so decided that, both having recently gotten out of major relationships, we weren't ready to date anyone yet. We continued to sleep together though. He hasn't been with anyone else since then, and I'd only been with my ex-boyfriend once when he wanted to get back together. I ultimately decided that I didn't want to get back with him. Bobby knows about this and says he doesn't mind.

 

About a month ago, I started to realize that I had feelings for Bobby. At this same time, he started calling me less and not spending much time with me. I panicked and told him that I didn't think we should talk anymore. I think he was hurt and surprised by this. We talked and I told him why I'd done that, and that I had feelings for him. He appologized for making me feel that way, and said he hadn't meant to but that he was just very busy (he works 2 jobs, goes to school, and has a daughter). He understandalby said he was not sure whether he wanted a relationship because of how I'd handled the situation. So, we're not in a relationshp by his choice, but I think I may love him. He also said that he does have feelings for me and that there is the possibility of a relationship in the future.

 

This weekend, I went to a club. I asked an attractive guy to dance, and I only intended to dance with him, but we while we were talking, there was an instant chemistry. I spent some time talking with him outside the club, and we ended up sleeping together. He seems very wonderful, and I would not mind spending more time with him, but my feelings for Bobby have not changed.

 

I know I have no obligation to Bobby, because we're not dating, but I don't want to feel like I'm deceiving him. I don't know whether I should tell him about it or break off the possibility of a relationship with Bobby. I don't know if I can pursue a relationship with him knowing that I'd essentially cheated him. Should I feel obligated to tell him or does the fact that he didn't want the relationship right now make it none of his business?

[magda]

Uh no, there is no point in telling "Bobby". You didn't essentially cheat on him. The only reason to tell him would be to make him jealous, and the end result could be that it wrecks your chances of ever getting together.

 

You are not committed to him at present, as per HIS choice. Therefore you do not have to report your encounters to him. Do not make the mistake of thinking he'll realize what he's missing out on, or something, just because you had a one-night stand. It'll just make you seem more desperate.

 

If you do eventually start dating seriously and he asks, mention that you did see some people when you guys were "off" but never tell a guy about other sex before his time unless he's not gonna let you get away with keeping mum.

[crazy_grl]

Thanks for your advice.

 

I know that telling him would make things worse. I have no delusions of thinking that he'll get jealous and see the error of his ways. I know that it'd make him even further question whether I'm the type of person he wants to date. It could possibly ruin those chances. The reason I feel like maybe I should tell him is because I don't want him making that decision based on an inaccurate view of me. I would rather have him know the truth and decide he doesn't want to be with me than to feel like I had to lie and trick him into it.

 

But I know that it would really hurt me if I found out he was with someone else. I guess it also wouldn't be any of my business if he was either. He shouldn't be obligated to tell me. So maybe you're right. I just can't help feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

[magda]

Well, it's because in your heart you cheated on him - even though in reality you don't have that kind of relationship. And/or.. Maybe you just want to hurt him because you are hurt.

 

But it is not expected that on the first date everybody comes clean with their deepest darkest secrets! Those things come out with time, ya know? A long time.. Anyway, you see yourself negatively. Consider that you just pretty much got rejected by this guy - in your heart, you just got rejected. You're feeling little low, perhaps that's why you had the one-night stand. You were needy for some lovin'. Hey, it's not pretty, but it happens. If you were to get in a relationship with this guy, do you think you're going to continue having one-night stands? Probably not. I'd say that if you habitually had one-night stands, in and out of relationships, and if he was approaching the issue of having a relationship with you, THEN you should tell him. But you don't owe him anything at this point.

[crazy_grl]

Yeah. You're right. Thanks so much.