Dating a believer who doesn't practice what they preach?

[Lobouspo]

So I am in a LDR with someone who is very vocal about her beliefs (Roman Catholic). As a lukewarm Catholic, I initially found it nice to find someone I could share my faith with for a change. As we've communicated more and more, her lectures about me not praying enough or not having a deeper relationship with God have become off putting. I'll be getting these lectures, and then 30 minutes later she'll talk dirty to me and initiate phone sex. She apologizes and acknowledges it's wrong yet it happens again a few days later. I AM NOT SAYING IT'S HER FAULT COMPLETELY. I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO HER AND GO ALONG WITH IT. I guess I'm just having issues with the hypocrisy, and don't wanna be dragged down spiritually. Also she mentioned she's still civilly married to her ex, and separated for 3 years, despite on her dating profile saying she's divorced. How would you guys handle this situation?

Edited September 21, 2015 by Lobouspo

[autumnnight]

I'd break up

[futureglory263]

hey there. without trying to sound judgmental, (as nobody is perfect), from what you are describing, there seems to definitely be a disconnect from this person's beliefs and actions. i can definitely understand how you are turned off from her lectures of what is seemingly "wrong" with your spiritual life. it's probable that you might feel judged from her words and that's never a good feeling. while it's encouraging that she's acknowledged that the dirty talking is wrong and has apologized, it doesn't sound like she has truly repented if she continues to let it happen.

 

my advice to you would be to bring up these issues with her if you have not already. If she truly desires to have a close relationship with God and is serious about her faith, she will listen to you. Talk to her about how the bible commands us to encourage and build up one another in faith, not to belittle or condemn (1 Thess. 5:11, Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.), to abstain from sexual immorality and to strive for a pure heart and mind (1 Thess 4:3,7, For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality...For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness; and 1 Tim 5:2 which states: Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.)

 

If she spurns these words, it probably shows where her heart really is, and if this is the case, then I would consider for you, for the sake of your spiritual walk, to leave this relationship. If she really does desire to live a life that is pleasing to God, she will consider those words and, by God's grace, will lead her to repentance, action and obedience.

[Keenly]

A holier than thou hypocrite? Noooooooo. That can't be right.

[taiko]

We all can read books and play a part, not just professional actors and con men

[pureinheart]

So I am in a LDR with someone who is very vocal about her beliefs (Roman Catholic). As a lukewarm Catholic, I initially found it nice to find someone I could share my faith with for a change. As we've communicated more and more, her lectures about me not praying enough or not having a deeper relationship with God have become off putting. I'll be getting these lectures, and then 30 minutes later she'll talk dirty to me and initiate phone sex. She apologizes and acknowledges it's wrong yet it happens again a few days later. I AM NOT SAYING IT'S HER FAULT COMPLETELY. I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO HER AND GO ALONG WITH IT. I guess I'm just having issues with the hypocrisy, and don't wanna be dragged down spiritually. Also she mentioned she's still civilly married to her ex, and separated for 3 years, despite on her dating profile saying she's divorced. How would you guys handle this situation?

 

Love, she's still married. I'm glad she was honest with you about that, as she could have kept that part of the facade up it being an LDR.

 

She's not a hypocrite as you are not a hypocrite- she's lost. Possibly she needs you to speak the truth to her...

 

Even Christians are human...lol imagine that;)

[Diezel]

I'd run away. Immediately.

[mammasita]

A holier than thou hypocrite? Noooooooo. That can't be right.

TOTAL hypocrite.

 

She can be religious all she wants but to preach and lecture you about it then turn around and contradict herself? **** THAT.

 

If I was a betting woman, I'd put money on her having a local **** buddy.

[stillafool]

Tell her how you feel. Ask her why she lied about being divorced. Then ask her why she still insists on phone sex when you have already told her it's wrong and to stop.

[autumnnight]

Love, she's still married. I'm glad she was honest with you about that, as she could have kept that part of the facade up it being an LDR.

 

She's not a hypocrite as you are not a hypocrite- she's lost. Possibly she needs you to speak the truth to her...

 

Even Christians are human...lol imagine that;)

 

Someone needs to speak the truth to her....but not him.

 

He need to go No Contact

 

Only God knows her spiritual state, but she is not living like a believer.

[pureinheart]

Someone needs to speak the truth to her....but not him.

 

He need to go No Contact

 

Only God knows her spiritual state, but she is not living like a believer.

 

Mostly I'd agree with what you're saying here, but not in this case.

[autumnnight]

Mostly I'd agree with what you're saying here, but not in this case.

When you have been involved with a married person, you do NOT become their spiritual advisor. Period.

[Lobouspo]

To be fair, she told me she was still married to her husband a few weeks into our correspondence. She rationalizes by saying she was never married in the church, so since its just a civil marriage it doesn't count in the eyes of God. Of course, she says its something she will do eventually, but she also admits to having feelings for him still. I guess initially, I'm an idiot for accepting her rationalizing, because I began by thinking to myself its not really a sacramental union, even though I know you're either married or you're not, there's no in between.

[autumnnight]

To be fair, she told me she was still married to her husband a few weeks into our correspondence. She rationalizes by saying she was never married in the church, so since its just a civil marriage it doesn't count in the eyes of God. Of course, she says its something she will do eventually, but she also admits to having feelings for him still. I guess initially, I'm an idiot for accepting her rationalizing, because I began by thinking to myself its not really a sacramental union, even though I know you're either married or you're not, there's no in between.

 

She is full of it with that marriage workaround. I guarantee you God doesn;t see it that way.

[pureinheart]

When you have been involved with a married person, you do NOT become their spiritual advisor. Period.

 

I didn't say to become a spiritual advisor, I said to speak the truth. The two are completely different in this case.

[pureinheart]

To be fair, she told me she was still married to her husband a few weeks into our correspondence. She rationalizes by saying she was never married in the church, so since its just a civil marriage it doesn't count in the eyes of God. Of course, she says its something she will do eventually, but she also admits to having feelings for him still. I guess initially, I'm an idiot for accepting her rationalizing, because I began by thinking to myself its not really a sacramental union, even though I know you're either married or you're not, there's no in between.

 

I get where she's coming from as she doesn't see herself married.. the thing that really is concerning is she says she still has feelings for him- both are red flags, although the feelings thing is a bigger one due to her not having motivation to get a divorce. This could mean she may not divorce him... I question why he has not been motivated also.

 

I don't think you're an idiot- you were deceived plain and simple. It's hard to walk away from something once there is 'feelings', per se, so much easier said than done.

 

I agree with her evaluation that she was not married in the Eyes of God. Not because it was a 'civil' marriage, but because I don't think it was God perfect will for her or him.

 

Hang in there... I'll be lifting you up:)

[autumnnight]

I agree with her evaluation that she was not married in the Eyes of God. Not because it was a 'civil' marriage, but because I don't think it was God perfect will for her or him.

 

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Someone gets married at the courthouse instead of a church, so if the cheat on their spouse it isn't adultery?

 

Absolutely ridiculous.

 

So if you find out you "oops, married the wrong person" then you aren't really married....nothing Biblical about this.

[taiko]

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Someone gets married at the courthouse instead of a church, so if the cheat on their spouse it isn't adultery?

Absolutely ridiculous.

So if you find out you "oops, married the wrong person" then you aren't really married....nothing Biblical about this.

Perhaps not but it's the Catholic Church position and the Pope has just ordered a fast tracking of annulments when presented with such evidence. If the girl was baptized by a Catholic and married someone without a Catholic Priest or Deacon officiating or without prior permission of her Bishop then the church says no marriage ever took place. The civil authorities will hold a different standard.

[TheFinalWord]

So I am in a LDR with someone who is very vocal about her beliefs (Roman Catholic). As a lukewarm Catholic, I initially found it nice to find someone I could share my faith with for a change. As we've communicated more and more, her lectures about me not praying enough or not having a deeper relationship with God have become off putting. I'll be getting these lectures, and then 30 minutes later she'll talk dirty to me and initiate phone sex. She apologizes and acknowledges it's wrong yet it happens again a few days later. I AM NOT SAYING IT'S HER FAULT COMPLETELY. I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO HER AND GO ALONG WITH IT. I guess I'm just having issues with the hypocrisy, and don't wanna be dragged down spiritually. Also she mentioned she's still civilly married to her ex, and separated for 3 years, despite on her dating profile saying she's divorced. How would you guys handle this situation?

 

I would not likely continue the relationship. I think you know that too, deep down, but are still working things out in spirit/heart. But we should also not judge you or tell you how to run your life. I think we have all been there at one point or another.

 

I would not be comfortable with a judgmental spouse, personally. You should feel more spiritual growth with the right person, not less IMHO.

 

I would not be with anyone that is married, legally or otherwise. I would ask her to finalize that relationship and then perhaps a romantic relationship can be pursued.

[pureinheart]

Sorry, but this is ridiculous. Someone gets married at the courthouse instead of a church, so if the cheat on their spouse it isn't adultery?

 

Absolutely ridiculous.

 

So if you find out you "oops, married the wrong person" then you aren't really married....nothing Biblical about this.

 

If God didn't put it together, it's not God, right?

[autumnnight]

If God didn't put it together, it's not God, right?

 

So you are saying that if someone gets married but not in a church...and then 10 years later they cheat, it isn't adultery because they were never married? So...if they were never married they should not have sex, right?

 

I would like you to Biblically justify the above statement. What kind of actual doctrine does your church teach?

 

I am...disturbed and flabbergasted that you think two people can be legally married and God would be okay with them cheating if it didn't happen in a church or if they have some sudden epiphany that "it wasn't God's will after all."

[taiko]

So you are saying that if someone gets married but not in a church...and then 10 years later they cheat, it isn't adultery because they were never married? So...if they were never married they should not have sex, right?

I would like you to Biblically justify the above statement. What kind of actual doctrine does your church teach?

I am...disturbed and flabbergasted that you think two people can be legally married and God would be okay with them cheating if it didn't happen in a church or if they have some sudden epiphany that "it wasn't God's will after all."

No, the Catholic Church position is that their leadership, not the state clerk or deputy is the person that determines validity, their name for the civil legality. In the church's eyes the Catholic would have been living in sin while shacking up and fornacating for those ten years thus needing reconciliation from confessions and then going to the church to have the marriage blessed and made real in their opinion.

[quankanne]

you're both Catholic, and you know the Church's stance on marriage. Why the hell is she interacting with you in this manner if she's still married???? Sheesh. Sounds like she's trying to make herself look superior by making others feel inferior, which is a crappy way to live, spiritually speaking.

 

dump her, and find a nice AVAILABLE girl who doesn't disrespect you OR herself by pulling that kind of crap.

 

Sheesh!

[pureinheart]

So you are saying that if someone gets married but not in a church...and then 10 years later they cheat, it isn't adultery because they were never married? So...if they were never married they should not have sex, right?

 

I would like you to Biblically justify the above statement. What kind of actual doctrine does your church teach?

 

I am...disturbed and flabbergasted that you think two people can be legally married and God would be okay with them cheating if it didn't happen in a church or if they have some sudden epiphany that "it wasn't God's will after all."

 

Autumn, you completely twisted my entire post... wish I had the time to unravel, but don't.

[joystickd]

Autumn, you completely twisted my entire post... wish I had the time to unravel, but don't.

 

I think Autumn hit the nail on the head