"Radio Silence" OR "WTF Just Happened?!"

[Smitten and Bitten]

Hello everyone. Read and weep:

 

Seven months after a disastrous ONS, which was preceded by a warped 6-month relationship which was preceded by a horrid 15-year marriage, I decided to, very carefully, try online dating again. I thought I was prepared this time because I had rules:

 

1) She had to be at least a few years older than me.

2) There could be no mention of alcohol in their profiles. Not even wine tastings. That cut out about 80% right there.

3) No selfies of feet relaxing on a beach. Fortunately this is almost always covered by rule #2.

4) No "bedroom eyes" profile pics.

5) Once I found a "match" the conversation had to be not only fun and interesting, but natural.

 

So I connected with someone online. Within a day or two of first meeting online we started to have interesting, playful conversations. She gave me her number, the conversations continued and we began sending photos (nothing sexual) and by day four we had decided that we had to meet.

 

We decided on a day (Thinking back on that conversation I see that she was evasive when I tried to nail down a time, but we had three conversations going so I put it down to that.) The day before we were going to meet I realized that we'd better have a time, so I texted her. I was pretty sure she was being evasive this time, but I told myself she wasn't.

 

We ended up rescheduling to meet three days after the initial day. Then we rescheduled for the day after the initial day.

 

The quality and frequency of her texts hadn't changed throughout this, so I didn't think she was backing out (at this point she was texting me before she went to bed, or so she led me to believe).

 

So the day comes, I wasn't even nervous (excited, but not nervous) which I thought was a good sign for me (I get nervous). She had even told me she was nervous about meeting. I thought that was sweet at the time.

 

I get there, with a big smile on my face and walk towards her, genuinely happy to meet her. I noticed that she didn't walk towards me as I walked towards her; She just stood there (she had already seen unflattering pictures of my face, knew how tall I was, etc. so it wasn't any of those things). I put it down to...I don't know what.

 

Her online profile didn't do her justice; She had a charisma that wasn't captured online. She also wasn't warm or playful as she had been during our text conversations. At one point I mentioned something that she had seemed very interested in before, but she verbally brushed it aside.

 

We talked for about an hour and a half, during which I felt varying degrees of nervousness (I put that down to me not being on a date for a while as well as the shock of seeing her in person). Before we left she suggested we meet again the next day. I said that would be great. Then she said she just had to see if something or other did or didn't happen first and she would let me know.

 

When I didn't hear from her that evening I texted, asking her what the plan was. She replied, with no emotion whatsoever, that she didn't know yet. Having still not heard from her the next day, the day of the "date", I texted again, and no response.

It feels like that no matter what I do, I don't meet better women, I only meet women who are better at manipulating me. Or maybe I'm just repulsive in person, or I have a big sign on my head, invisible only to me, that says "idiot". I just don't know.

 

 

[Jules Dash]

Maybe that other thing happened.

[edgygirl]

Welcome to the online dating world. People ghost. Disappear. Poof.

 

It happens a lot unfortunately. From both sides.

 

I understand you're hurt, but maybe you should be less picky with the rules you mentioned, meet more women, and it will give you the chance to find one that is right. It's so hard to meet someone who is right even if you get to meet a lot of people... if you focus on only one for weeks before even meeting them, it gets even harder.

[Maharishi]

Maybe that other thing happened.

 

What other thing?

[Smitten and Bitten]

Welcome to the online dating world. People ghost. Disappear. Poof.

 

It happens a lot unfortunately. From both sides.

 

I understand you're hurt, but maybe you should be less picky with the rules you mentioned, meet more women, and it will give you the chance to find one that is right. It's so hard to meet someone who is right even if you get to meet a lot of people... if you focus on only one for weeks before even meeting them, it gets even harder.

 

Hi edgygirl. I forgot to say that I picked those rules based on my bad experiences. I know they may seem superficial and silly, but they were all things past dates (whether on their profiles or FB pages) had in common. I had taken the "try dating a different type of woman" advice to heart, so I was trying to find a different type of woman.

 

In a way I'm glad to hear you say that it's common for people to disappear, but why is common courtesy so rare?

[Gaeta]

Welcome to online dating. I've been on it for 3 years, been on 100+ coffee meeting and I am still looking. Be ready for it, women will flake, lie, disappear, come back, disappear again, not show up, be wishy washy, overly eager, cligny, indifferent, and the list goes on.

[Smitten and Bitten]

Maybe that other thing happened.

 

What other thing?

 

Yeah, I don't know what you mean either.

[Smitten and Bitten]

Welcome to online dating. I've been on it for 3 years, been on 100+ coffee meeting and I am still looking. Be ready for it, women will flake, lie, disappear, come back, disappear again, not show up, be wishy washy, overly eager, cligny, indifferent, and the list goes on.

 

Ugh. Maybe I'm not ready to get back into dating.

[jam.over.jelly]

man, people who ghost are cowards and u dont wanna be with cowards anyway

[menyou]

Ghosting is the lowest form of anything. I can only assume it's been done to those who do it so they think it's ok. Don't give up on something that you want. Keep dating until you find who is right for you.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Then she said she just had to see if something or other did or didn't happen first

 

I almost spit out laughing when I saw this sentence.

 

Not making fun of you, just saying how vague could she be if the "something" did or did not happen first.

 

What? A lunar eclipse? Earthquake? Opening game of pre-season football?

 

Welcome to online dating. I've been on it for 3 years, been on 100+ coffee meeting and I am still looking

 

Wow, I'm lucky if I can even get such a meeting 2 to 3 times a year.

[Smitten and Bitten]

I almost spit out laughing when I saw this sentence.

 

Not making fun of you, just saying how vague could she be if the "something" did or did not happen first.

 

What? A lunar eclipse? Earthquake? Opening game of pre-season football?

 

Haha thanks It would have been a legitimate excuse, but the way she presented it was just...convoluted. It was the same way when we tried to schedule the first time.

[jam.over.jelly]

You're lucky youve only been on one date with this girl. I had this happened to me just couple days ago. When the guy I was talking to for a month was all set on the date of last weekend, even hinted at future plans and stuff, still texted me every single day through out the entire day, just to have him ghost on me on the day of the supposedly 5th date. And been NC since. People like that don't deserve our time. Freakin cowards with no decency of a human being.

[Smitten and Bitten]

You're lucky youve only been on one date with this girl. I had this happened to me just couple days ago. When the guy I was talking to for a month was all set on the date of last weekend, even hinted at future plans and stuff, still texted me every single day through out the entire day, just to have him ghost on me on the day of the supposedly 5th date. And been NC since. People like that don't deserve our time. Freakin cowards with no decency of a human being.

 

The 5th date?! Now that's sh***y. Unbelievable. What an immature, self-centered ass. You're right, they don't deserve our time but unfortunately they manage to waste it anyway.

[menyou]

You're lucky youve only been on one date with this girl. I had this happened to me just couple days ago. When the guy I was talking to for a month was all set on the date of last weekend, even hinted at future plans and stuff, still texted me every single day through out the entire day, just to have him ghost on me on the day of the supposedly 5th date. And been NC since. People like that don't deserve our time. Freakin cowards with no decency of a human being.

 

Wow. Just. Wow.

[katiegrl]

You're lucky youve only been on one date with this girl. I had this happened to me just couple days ago. When the guy I was talking to for a month was all set on the date of last weekend, even hinted at future plans and stuff, still texted me every single day through out the entire day, just to have him ghost on me on the day of the supposedly 5th date. And been NC since. People like that don't deserve our time. Freakin cowards with no decency of a human being.

 

Did this guy actually *ghost* on you jams?

 

I thought you said he texted cancelling hours beforehand, and apologized.

 

It's crappy and I am sorry he lost interest, but I don't believe that would be considered ghosting.

 

People *are* allowed to lose interest and cancel dates... without being accused of being cowards having no decency, sheesh.

 

But yea, to the OP, women will come and go ... this is pretty standard stuff.

 

A thick skin is definitely required!

 

Good luck.....

Edited September 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[jam.over.jelly]

But after I texted him and asked him to be honest with me, he went NC. Wouldn't that be considered ghosting?

[katiegrl]

But after I texted him and asked him to be honest with me, he went NC. Wouldn't that be considered ghosting?

 

I don't think so jams. My understanding is ghosting is just disappearing, and in your case, had he not responded to your text asking if the date was still on, and just blown you off, THAT would have been ghosting.

 

But he responded quickly, apologizing saying he had a rough night and wanted to lie low.

 

After which you texted him back asking him if he lost interest.

 

Imo, his no response WAS his response - he lost interest. You only had four dates, no sex. It was casual and you both were dating others.

 

That said, imo he may not have even totally lost interest when he cancelled, but after receiving your final text essentially accusing him of losing interest (which was not the first time you did that ), he lost all interest.

 

Sure it would have been nice had he texted back confirming that he lost interest, but he may have been annoyed by the accusation (again it was not the first time you asked him that), so he was like forget it...

 

I am sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I don't think it's right to accuse men of being cowards with no decency simply because a woman allowed herself to become more emotionally invested and had higher expectations, that the guy did not live up to, and eventually lost interest.

 

jams, sure he could have handled the end better, but I don't think he fits into the *coward with no decency* category. JMO on that.

 

Also, I am of the belief he did not want to definitively say he lost interest, because he wants to keep the option to call you again open!

Edited September 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[jam.over.jelly]

You're right Katie. I'm just still upset and I may have convince myself to think of him as a coward so it'd help with forgetting about this guy. That's not right of me to do so. I admit that I reacted too quickly to his response and I didn't think it through. That was my insecurity. But all harm is done. Maybe it really is my fault for his behavior. Maybe I played too much game and maybe he thought of me just as confusing as I thought of him. It is a lost cause after all.

[katiegrl]

You're right Katie. I'm just still upset and I may have convince myself to think of him as a coward so it'd help with forgetting about this guy. That's not right of me to do so. I admit that I reacted too quickly to his response and I didn't think it through. That was my insecurity. But all harm is done. Maybe it really is my fault for his behavior. Maybe I played too much game and maybe he thought of me just as confusing as I thought of him. It is a lost cause after all.

 

I know you're upset jams...and again I'm sorry, it sucks.

 

But this relationship was just not meant to be. Someone and something better is out there waiting for ya!

 

The good news is ....with this experience, you learned something, right? To take with you into your next experience!

 

With every negative, there is a positive, in that we learn and grow.

 

Sounds hokey, but it's true!

 

Personally, I think you dodged a bullet with this guy, so be thankful you only had four dates, and did not become sexual.

 

As you know, I did not trust him, and thought he was a bit of a player.

 

But that is neither here nor there at this point.

 

You deserve better , and you WILL find it! :bunny: