Relationship BreakUp continued

[Jane]

Hello

 

I haven't posted for a while - but all previous messages I wrote were to do with my relationship -house and him wanting to end it.

 

I do hope you recall the details of my situation as it is rather long. Briefly, my partner of 4 years told my mum (weird how he did not tell me) of his having enough of r/ship and wanting to end it. When I asked him he said on the whole - that ending was his thoughts. We had just bought a house and settlement was just 3-4 weeks prior to his wanting an end. He wanted me to move out of the house too... lol (sorry)- see doormat notes.

 

By the way we are still living under the same roof.

 

I knew that the r/ship was in trouble and knew what to do to fix it - yet I did not. I now know MUCH MORE about how it 'could have been'. We could have had a very successful partnership had I initiated stuff - yet I did not act. He was keen to discuss issues and I did not do anything about it.

 

What makes me laugh is in the 4 years I spent a lot of time inflating his ego and putting myself at a somewhat lower status. I sacrificed my life too - I was previously a social person with many friends and NO LACK OF INTEREST FROM MEN.

 

So - I played a dum bimbo doormat in my FIRST SERIOUS R/SHIP - why I did still puzzles me. I knew my 'doormat' behaviour was artificial, it became a partial reality too which was difficult to get rid of as I played it SO convincingly that I must have convinced myself.

 

So I gave him 3 months to think about it until the end of March and just got on with getting a life.

 

This was one thing I was not going to stop for anything. Had it been a year ago I would have allowed myself to slip back into a rather pathetic victim type specimen and work full time on the r/ship - like me wanting to make up after a fight etc. I would practically degrade myself to get back with him - and I would have been a bit of a nutcase too.

 

This time I was in control and did not respond in the old way.

 

Now my problem is - I have met a man who I have been seeing socially and as a friend only - I have this self enforced 'rule' of refusing to get involved with anyone else till the end of the three month period. Just days away.

 

The separation is rather long - I have refused his offer to buy me out and I was NOT moving when my life was JUST STARTING to get back together - finally - after 4 years of 'he' focus. It was hard getting my life back too. Never give up your friends is my advice.

 

My new friend is wanting to become closer - I am having problems with this - I think it innappropriate to have a new partner right now. What would others do?

 

If I get closer to this man I will inevitably bring him back here. What would my ex think?

 

Why would I set myself a time period just incase we reunite when he has not indicated any interest in 3 months.

 

Am I just a moralistic yobbo?

 

My new friend is an absolute "yes" to have as a partner- if I was not still living with the ex.

 

I have also considered extending the 3 month time period - just in case. Realistically,I would sacrifice my new friend for a reuniting with my ex. Am I odd?

 

Maybe I should just stay friends with this man?

 

But if theres no possibility of my ex-partner and I reuniting as evidenced by 3 months of uncomfortable interactions - then WHY?

 

Should I say something about my friend to the ex?

 

My ex was my first SERIOUS LOVE - yet I am 30+ (avoided r/ships till him).

 

Any imput about my essay is very much appreciated.

[Tony T]

This situation with your ex sounds like a dead end deal. I have no idea why you are behaving as you are but letting go is something you will have to learn as time goes on.

 

Meanwhile, if you have good feelings about your new friend you should pursue that with vigor. Why should you consider your ex at all when he has shown no interest.

 

You are going to have to get strong in life...and particularly in love or people will step all over you. Start taking more control over things and what you want. Stop living for other people and do things for YOU. When you're in any kind of relationship or friendship and it goes stale, GET OUT OF IT.

 

Hey, nobody else in the world is going to do this for you. If you don't become more proactive in your own life and concentrate on doing things to make your own self happy, nobody else is going to do it for you.

 

Waiting around for three or six months for some guy to make up his mind about you is borderline insane!!!

[Jane]

Tony: Because it was 16 days after the purchase of a house. Joint Owners. It is a big deal. We both had recent stressors and I do know there are some odd thinks that occur when stress becomes insurmountable - eg. Mental Illness is one. I work in the area and know that it happens. His personality change was the thing that got my alarm bells ringing. People do not usually change personalities that quickly.

 

I would appreciate more feedback, and thanks.

This situation with your ex sounds like a dead end deal. I have no idea why you are behaving as you are but letting go is something you will have to learn as time goes on. Meanwhile, if you have good feelings about your new friend you should pursue that with vigor. Why should you consider your ex at all when he has shown no interest. You are going to have to get strong in life...and particularly in love or people will step all over you. Start taking more control over things and what you want. Stop living for other people and do things for YOU. When you're in any kind of relationship or friendship and it goes stale, GET OUT OF IT. Hey, nobody else in the world is going to do this for you. If you don't become more proactive in your own life and concentrate on doing things to make your own self happy, nobody else is going to do it for you. Waiting around for three or six months for some guy to make up his mind about you is borderline insane!!!

[Jane]

I am of the opinion that when a relationship goes stale - leaving is a cop out - that is why it is rare for people to have long term relationships - the conflict needs to be sorted in 'that' r/ship or the person will carryu the same issues into the next r/ship - some people do learn one day.

 

I'm interested in your view of the above.

 

I like my soft heart - and value this trait. People do not step on me - in the slightest unless I let them... which I did in this r/ship. I wanted to see what being a 'doormat' was like. It was a learning experience in a big way - No Regrets - just an experience - I have grown from it actually, it is part of my journey towards the highest personal growth I can attain.

 

I am not waiting around - per se - for him as my dreams contradict this conscious thought- I am getting a life like I planned and I suppose living here presently as it is convenient for a while longer.

 

But - I do give people more chances - not write them off - till it is an evident NO NO over quite a few months.

 

I like it this way.

 

I am giving it another month - but my new friend is become more appealing each day. I know theres a man for me should I want him (I do not intend to present as arrogant). I am aware of knowing my attractiveness to others - personality, looks, intelligence. Oh - maybe I am arrogant? Who knows?

Tony: Because it was 16 days after the purchase of a house.. It is a big deal. We both had recent stressors and I do know there are some odd thinks that occur when stress becomes insurmountable - eg. Mental Illness is one. I work in the area and know that it happens. His personality change was the thing that got my alarm bells ringing. People do not usually change personalities that quickly. I would appreciate more feedback, and thanks.