LifeNomad Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 sorry all, i have almost a year and 2 months since my ex left me, we had 13ish years together, soon after she left she told me she regretted it and wanted to get back, i told her she would need to quit (she started having emotional affair with her boss) before i would even consider it, she declined, so we stayed separated, i met a girl a few months later and i felt real happiness, or what felt like happiness at the time... anyways, my ex is now in the process of finding a home with her boss/boyfriend. (my kids told me i don't ask) when i feel like making progress my kids seem to ask the most innocent questions that break me down so easily, my 3 yr old asked me when mommy was gonna love me again, my 5 yr old recently asked if i was gonna move soon to a new place so we can all live together again, stuff like that, and i explain it to them as best as i can the situation but it still hurts that they hang to hope, after a year they are still hoping for a family, they still want to have a mom and dad Like most parents, for my kids ill do anything, this is where this post comes in, so ive been thinking more and more of telling my ex that i wish her nothing but love peace and happiness, and if theres ever a moment or time where she might want to work things out, for her to let me know, and not be ashamed or feel guilty. IDk if that's a good idea or what but i just been feeling weak, I miss being a full time dad, i miss putting my kids to bed, it prevents me from doing "fun" things, for example my gf wants to plan a trip to Disneyland next year, and i told her without my kids i wont go or wanna do anything really, but at the same time i cant really afford to save up money for a trip, and at the same time i wont let her pay that much for my kids either, :/ I would hate to go without them for them to find out some day or ask me how it was (btw this trip is just an example and nothing to do with the actual question/concern) so my question is, is it ok to tell her that i want her to be happy 100% (which i do) but if theres ever a moment where she might want to work things out not to be afraid of telling me? I feel if i do this, I do not expect her to want to get back with me, but i feel maybe later down the line in 10 years or 20 years if im alive at least i know that i threw my pride out the window for her and maybe will have less regrets...idk, i think i may have been too quick in finding a gf too... only had like 3 months, but she made me happy, and she still does, it just i don't feel 100% complete.... Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Don't hold onto hope of working things out. It only holds you back. It may not seem like it right now, but you'll adjust, and everything will be OK. Wishing and hoping for an outcome that has a 0.0001% chance of happening only delays that process tremendously. Instead of viewing your new circumstances as a punishment, look at them as new opportunities. Life gets better man. Just stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 when i feel like making progress my kids seem to ask the most innocent questions that break me down so easily, my 3 yr old asked me when mommy was gonna love me again, my 5 yr old recently asked if i was gonna move soon to a new place so we can all live together again, stuff like that, and i explain it to them as best as i can the situation but it still hurts that they hang to hope, after a year they are still hoping for a family, they still want to have a mom and dad After a year, I'd guess your 3 and 5 year old still believe in Santa Claus too. Wishing and hoping not the basis for a life plan. Your kids still have a mom and dad, you're just transitioning to a new normal. Life challenges us and we respond by doing the best we can. I was divorced when my son was 3 (he's an adult now) and we made a lifetime of memories together, just he and I. You'll have many chances to do the same... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 After a year, I'd guess your 3 and 5 year old still believe in Santa Claus too. Wishing and hoping not the basis for a life plan. Your kids still have a mom and dad, you're just transitioning to a new normal. Life challenges us and we respond by doing the best we can. I was divorced when my son was 3 (he's an adult now) and we made a lifetime of memories together, just he and I. You'll have many chances to do the same... Mr. Lucky Great post. And I will add to it that the memories my kids and I are forging are even better than they would be, because their mom isn't there whining, bitching and micro-managing every detail of every activity. We have WAY more fun now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeNomad Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 thanks fellas it really helps reinforcing what Im already doing, feel weak sometimes, Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 one thing for sure you sure never tell her that you are in the back burner waiting for her whenever she done, that just going to make her go on on her Affair. if you have any hope of gaining her back you should expose her A to everyone her family and friends, her Boss's family and work. that would be a slap on her face. do not be weak an plan on moving on, I'm all for forgiveness and second chances but you are not doing right. you are just being weak no offense here I'm just trying to warn you. if she is in the fog of an affair and knows that you are still there waiting she will never stop I can grantee it. instead she needs to see you moving on. which you really should Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 If you're still pining for your ex and you're dragging your current GF through that with you, I hate to be the one to say it, but there is something still wrong with you. Everyone else seems to know what they want in this situation, except for you. What you need to actually do is break up with your GF. Right now she's just a placeholder for you until something better comes along. I totally get that conversations with your kids are tough, but their understanding of what happened between you and your ex shouldn't make you rethink if it was the right thing to do. You're questioning that because you're not OK with how the relationship is now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeNomad Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 thanks everyoine im not gonna do it, when I read everyones replies it makes perfect sense, just get clouded sometimes. Thanks everyone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Time and distance will heal this. Do fun things with your kids and make new happy memories. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 LifeN, I totally get what you were thinking. DDAY for me was a year ago and I pushed divorce through without wavering and have been divorced since March. And my son is grown so no reason to go back for him. And I am definitely not pining for the current version of her. And I still did it. Below is from my thread. As you can see I did what you were thinking of doing. "Was a little nostalgic so I made a bit of a mistake. I engaged the ex on a personal level. I sat her down told her this is goodbye, I hope you are happy with your choices. Got the usual, if she could turn back the clock to before she met him she would. She is very sorry for how she hurt me blah, blah, blah. She told me she has made her choice and she is going to see it through , although she is not confident it is the right one. I told her we are divorced now and its over. This was all your choice and doing, I never wanted any of this. And this is where I made the mistake. I told her if she would dump the bf now, I would consider dating her casually to see if there was anything left. She said no she is going to stick with her choice. I was actually happy with that and felt I got the closure I was looking for. Weak of me but all good. Got email from her first thing in the morning. My head is spinning after what you said to me last night. She is thinking it over. All i offered was the possibility of casual dating IF she dumped the guy to see if we had anything left. Really wish I had not done that. I am enjoying living alone and meeting new people. I don't want to go back." Nothing ever came of it and I really don't think it was a big deal. Just something I wanted to say to help me close things out. So like I said, I totally understand where you are coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 And I will add to it that the memories my kids and I are forging are even better than they would be, because their mom isn't there whining, bitching and micro-managing every detail of every activity. Good point. I actually had more quality time with my son post divorce since I was 100% responsible for his care during my half of the week. When married, sad to say I tended to dish those duties off to my wife. It's also hard to describe how liberating it feels to be released from the stress of a disintegrating marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Good point. I actually had more quality time with my son post divorce since I was 100% responsible for his care during my half of the week. When married, sad to say I tended to dish those duties off to my wife. It's also hard to describe how liberating it feels to be released from the stress of a disintegrating marriage... Mr. Lucky My favorite part is that the kids love to do wilderness exploring stuff with me. They really can't get enough of it. And then, I meet their mom for kid exchange, they always hop into her car soaking wet and covered with mud and sand. Pisses her off to no end. I think it's hilarious. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 its really time to move on. start with this new relationship. are you going to accept being a plan b to your wife. i say go to disney land with your girlfriend save money for it. for the sake of your sanity, continue the relationship with your gf. remember your responsibility to the kids is only 50% you still need to take care of your self. farther you get along with your new relationship. the better you will get. dont treat your new gf as a rebound. manage your time between you and family. the "you time" being, time with gf. and "family time", being with the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
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