Engaged and taking time apart...is this ok? What to do?

[cj2321]

I havebeen engaged for about 5 months now to a beautiful woman who i cant wait to spedn the rest of my life with. We have been together for 2 years, but here is my question, lately I would say the past month or so we have been fighting a little more than usual and it tends to stem from the fact that my fiance is very stressed out at work. She works a lot (she is a manager at a hair salon) and so we hardly have time to do things or even get time to be alone since I work as well. Well anyway she recently said she loved me very much, still wants to marry me, but she feels so stressed with work, with not be able to have time to herself and time for us to be together that she said we should take some time apart to fix these things and kinda think about things. I have a hard time dealing with this because I tend to think we should be able to fix this together, but I dont control her and told her fine take some time for yourself, relax, and we will take it day by day. Now is this a godd thing or this not a good thing? Should I be worried? I love her very much, but I too have felt there is so much stress with how little time we get together or for ourselves that I sometimes want some alone time, but I never brought it up. I feel bad because I know how stressed she is at work and I feel I should be able to help her with that so am I not doing my job since she wants time apart? What do you guys advice me, I am sorta confused as to how to take this, what to do, how to feel about us, i mean I cant imagine not spending the rest of my life with her, I see her as the mother of my children, we both discuss that we want one another but i am just scared......any advice?

[Jlmic1]

Well you asked for advice, so here's mine:

 

If you are about to marry someone, the last thing they should want is to spend time alone. I understand that stress can get to you, we all know about that, but getting married means that you work out problems together, not seperatley.

 

Is it possible that she's afraid of getting married, and doesn't want to tell you?

 

Getting married should be one of the happiest times in your life, you should never want to run from that or spend time away from your future husband/wife because you're stressed out at work.

 

If I was given an explanation like that, I would demand a further explanation. Try to get down to the bottom of what's really going on.

 

Everyone needs a little time alone, of course. But when your fiance says that they want a break from you specifically, that's an indication that there's a problem.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Break the engagement and let her know that you agree that the timing is off, and that you need time apart from her. That's what she is hoping you will do, so that she doesn't have to continue to keep pushing you away.

 

As painful a thing as it is to accept, she isn't ready to be engaged to you: much less married. When you are ready to marry someone, or are married - your partner is your rock in stressful times. When your partner runs away from you in stressful times - then know this: you aren't their emotional rock - you are a part of that stress they are running away from.

 

My guess is that there is more to this sudden 'stress' than you know about right now. She is withdrawing from you emotionally. When someone says they need "time" and "space" - it isn't an effort to 'fix' things - its a way for them to withdraw from you and process the loss of emotion they are feeling for you. You don't need "time" and "space" when you are deeply in love with someone - you know that for a fact. Think of how much you love her. Do you need time and space away from her because you love her so much? If she loved you, like you loved her - then she wouldn't need it either. Why does she need it? There could be any number of reasons for needing "time" and "space":

 

1. she is falling out of love and wants to back out before its too late

2. she is seeing someone else

3. she does not want the level of commitment and longevity that you do

 

... and so on.

 

There is pre-marital counseling, but if she has her mind set on an exit from the relationship there is little motivation for her to want to work with you to fix it.

[Marshbear]

Wanting a break when your engaged is not a good thing. When you would rather be apart to fix your stress is signs of things to come. I would seriously postpone the engagement and decide if this women is right or you. You two need to talk and find out what is going on with her. Something is very fishy.

[cj2321]

Well we have not talked in a few days (since sunday night) and I am stressed and upset about this whole situation. I love this woman so much and it hurts to feel she is apart from me because I feel like its me who she wants to be away from not work and it hurts to feel like this. I also know that in reality I should step back and take action to help myself and also to not get made a fool either. I am just confused, I have text messaged her twice to say I love her and just say hi and I missed her but i got no reply so i stopped trying and I dont call her either. It just hurts and I am somewhat depressed, but I also know eventually we will have to sit dwon and talk and figure out what is going on I just really dont feel like doing it now and I am sure she doesnt either, so where do i go from here? Do i continue to text her occasionally to say hi, or do i completly leave her alone? thing about it is she confronts me about why I dont call her at all, she says she calls me and when i dont call it makes her feel like i dont want to talk to her, but my feeling is she asked for the space so if she wants to talk she can call me....right? wrong? She also questions me about wearing my ring she gave me as a symbole of her love and our engagment, i guess to see if i am wearing it, which i always do, and she wears her engament ring as well, i am just ahhhhhh......in my own personal hell right now and it sucks!!!

[Thinkalot]

I feel for you. I agree, problems should be handled together, ideally. You do need to speak about ALL the reasons she wants space right now. In the meantime, I can understand how much this pains you.

Before too much longer, I would have that talk about everything. It needs to happen. Being in limbo is no fun for you at all. Good luck.

[New_Wife]

My husband and I had a rough patch in our engagement. I can't pinpoint what caused it - if any one thing at all - but we both went a little sideways for a bit and really had a mutual panic attack.

 

We went to premarital counseling.

 

Best thing in the world. Helped us develop some better communication skills and couple-coping techniques.

 

And if you're not meant to be together - I imagine it's a great place to safely find that out and a good resource to deal with that knowledge.

[RecordProducer]

It sounds like she has doubts about being married to you. Maybe she met some interesting man and it occurred to her that she is supposed to live with you for the rest of her life and the idea of it scared her. But it doesn't have to be a 3rd person that is involved. In any case it's not good news that she wants to re-think about things and needs time off. The best you can do is to not make any pressure on her and not rush her. If it's not meant to be then it's better if it ends now then divorce later.

If I were you I wouldn't accept the time off idea. It's ridiculous. You're right, you need to work on problems together not split and see how things go without each other or with someone else. Usually when people need to make a break it's because of one of two possible reasons: they either want a full break-up or they met someone else so they want to see if the new relationship might have success. If not they will return to the previous partner. My first BF has done it to me once and I've done it to him once a few years later (not as revenge). The only difference was that I didn't ask for a break, I just saw him a few times during two weeks and didn't have sex with him. I also told him that I didn't love him anymore. Then I found out that the guy I was seeing was "happily" married and broke off the new relationhsip. I got back together with my BF and we didn't discuss anything. He never found out that we had a break.

But if you've been together for a long time, she may also feel monotony in the relationship and be hesitant about living with you forever.

In any case, breaks are stupid. It's like a temporary break-up so let her know that if she wants time off, you can only break off with no guarantees that you will ever be together again. If she accepts that then she really doesn't love you anymore.