LDR ruined by my or boyfriend's selfishness?

[dopey2610]

Hi, I'm new to this and in the UK.

I've just split from my boyfriend after a year and so confused as to whether I am right in my reasons for ending the relationship.

 

My boyfriend lives 200 miles from me, has his own home but his mother lives with him. Just before we met she sold her own house, paid his mortgage loan off and moved in with him, primarily to help him keep the house as CSA(child maintenance) payments for his son from his previous marriage were crippling him.

 

We talked about getting engaged soon, and marriage eventually. I have no ties and work from home, he has a secure job and his son nearby so I accepted from the start I would be the one to relocate in due course.

 

However, after paying his ex wife a lump sum when they divorced he is obsessed with ever having the same scenario so made it plain from day one I couldnt move into his house. He put his sister as joint owner of the house too so whoever dies first gets the other's share.

 

Initially I was fine about that, and spent months looking for both a job and at houses near him. Till realisation finally dawned. From the start its been toom much on his side about finances, whats his is his, gold digging women etc which has ruined it in the end.

 

Basically, he wanted me to sell my own home, move 200 miles, buy a house near him, he would move in to my house but officially, again due to the CSA his official address would be his own home, even once we were married. So once I had moved to my new house, it would always be my house, my mortgage etc. If things went wrong I'd be stranded 200 miles from my own family and friends with a house to sell in a not too great part of the country while he could just move back to his own home nearby with no disruption at all to his life in that respect.

 

I tried to explain this was totally unfair and one sided, that I wasn't willing to move under those conditions and just wanted a normal relationship and life where couples set up home together and as equals(if possible). He just couldn't see it- he said I was the selfish one, it was all about what was in it for me etc and he had to look after his mother, spinster sister and kids first. Other than my parents I have no family so if we married and I died first he would get everything and thats as I would like. You want your partner to be left secure and provided for don't you? However if HE went first his wife gets nothing. Sorry this all sounds so mercenary, this comes from his "conditions of marriage" and not mine.

 

I said the obvious solution would have been for us both to sell our homes, put equal amounts towards buying one together, we wouldnt have a mortgage and he would have surplus from his own house to give his mother her share back but he wont do this or even consider it.

 

Is it me here being the selfish one? I don't think I am being unreasonable to want security and a proper 50/50 relationship especially with marriage being discussed. To be willing to relocate at all was more than he was prepared to do(Though relocating wasnt actually impossible for him either-his company has sites near me so he could transfer and he sees his son only one weekend in two) but then all the extra issues he's created too.

 

Any advice?

[Pocky]

What purpose would it serve to get married if this is how he wants to handle the relationship?

[HotCaliGirl]

He is being totally selfish and even putting his sister before you! You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a greedy guy with bandages from the past who now puts himself, his sister and his mother (in that order) before you and your potential children.

 

Sure, he'll be taken care of for the rest of his life if you give in to his selfish demands, but what about YOU and YOUR CHILDREN? How convenient for him to ask for such a scenerio, don't you dare give in.

 

It's enough you're willing to relocate, but he won't even buy a house together and has his sister on title?? NO sweety, you got to let this guy go, drop him fast. Why be with a man for the rest of your life who isn't willing to put you and your future children first on his list? Why would he put you in that terrible position?

 

I don't think he totally loves you enough and you should let go before taking things any further. Since he's not thinking of you, you do it for yourself and you take care of your interests instead of relying on a selfish guy to do it for you.