Should I tell ex-EA how I truly feel?

[starglider]

Whoa! I'm at a cross roads here. Should I tell ex-EA/MM I'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with him if he were free? I'm in a healthier place than I was during our infatuation (we never physically crossed the line), I feel that through counseling I'm back in touch with who I am as a person and feel whole again (yay) and am not seeking external validation to make me feel good. I know he's done therapy, has been through depression and meds in recent months, and has worked on his self esteem too. My goal in doing this would be open communication, no regrets; move forward with my life and start closing doors and opening new ones.

 

I get it that we had become infatuated with each other as a drug crush to avoid dealing with our bad marriages, stressful lives, and poor self esteem. We were both push/pull in terms of (chastely) pursuing each other and pulling back. We once said "I love you" and have both been through separations this past year.

 

• My story about the EA is in an old thread and this was followed by about 3-4 months of limited contact, push/pull behavior as we opened up about our rocky marriages, shared long hugs, but never talked directly about our feelings for each other, then we'd both go NC for weeks. The last time I saw MM I had convinced myself I was over him and wanted distance to figure out my M. MM told me his reconciliation wasn't going well, that they were "together but not really together" and she didn't believe in him, but I sensed he still loved his wife. He asked about my M and I told him I was getting a separation and told him about my 5 year plan for my life - it didn't involve MM at all. I remember he seemed kind of hurt by my detachment when he opened up about his bleak reconciliation.

 

• Neither of us initiated contact for over 3.5 months, during my separation. I unfollowed MM and his wife on Facebook. Did MC and IC, somatic experience therapy, worked on codependency, started cooking healthy, exercising more, being the kind of "present" and fun mom my daughter deserved, found a good way to co-parent with H and run our business together despite the separation. I'll admit that early on I looked up MM and wife and saw some happy couple photos - and it hurt but helped me focus on me. Realized my long pattern of EAs/love addiction and how I idealized MMs and had a fantasy of them rescuing me so I could avoid fully knowing who I was and dealing with my life.

 

• After 3.5 months separation, my H and I are both better people in better places, but I don't see a future for us. We still have love, but we're mismatched people. H's inability to quit pot doesn't help, though he has stepped up and is finally working full time. I'm ready to face divorce and am feeling good about myself and a happy life ahead with my daughter. I'm very fit now and feel and look as healthy as I was in high school.

 

• In going over my recovery work and my values recently, it was tough for me because this is where I see MM in a new light. We share a lot of the same values, goals, positive take on life, entertainment interests, intellectual interests, the way we parent, and view of the world. I don't ever want the same addictive relationship of our infatuation, but wonder if our "relationship" could grow into real, stable love if we were both free. Our kids get along great too. A lot of the red flags were over his immaturity and poor self esteem - things he's worked on, and I'm a more whole person than the damsel in distress he formerly knew. I do admire and respect him and he has said (and I've observed) his wife no longer does.

 

• I did reach out to him via text. Asked if he could repair something if I drop it off at his job site (with his coworkers there). He said "Sure!" We hugged, caught up, kept it professional. I didn't ask about his wife. He asked about my H and me and I told him we were separated and it was a good separation for us both, and I changed the subject. I didn't want to talk about divorce because H and I haven't filed yet. As he walked me out, he said we'd talk about it more next time.

 

• Part of me wants to come clean about my feelings for him. I am ready to leave my M on my own. I don't want any more addictive cycles with MM. I want to be a grown up but I feel as though there is enough caring and affection that I'd want to open the door for a real relationship if he's ever free. If he's happy on his current path, then I can fully close the door and proceed in my divorce without having the background hope that MM is someday free.

 

Is this a bad idea? If I ask it once and back off am I out of line at this point, given our history?

 

Oddly enough, I feel like being totally straightforward ONE TIME is the healthier thing to do, whereas in the past I thought it was what home-wreckers do, so instead I gave push/pull signals to him as love addicts/avoidants tend to do.

 

I don't know the status of his M except my friend gossiped with me that his wife trashed him to her and said they are having the same types of problems they've had for years. Don't know what to make of that, but I probably wouldn't be considering this move if I knew 100% they were enjoying a second honeymoon.

[privategal]

He should be given the space space and time to make decisions for his marriage and sort his self and his marriage as you did.

He saw you, He knows your separated...he can leave om his own and knows how to get ahold of you.

Let him go and let him decide to do anything on his own.

If you get divorced, don't tell him.

He cant even emotionally be there for you today as he is investing emotion in his marriage right now.

Its strange...Imo you did all this work...but your still stuck.

Its still codependency to be not even divorced and planning your next relationship?

Id continue to handle being a present Mom, pursuing your health, co parenting, running your business and operate your life as if he is never going to be yours.

Just keep moving independently.

You aren't even divorced and when is the last time you were single and not dependent on a relationship?

Maybe be single for 5 minutes?

He's not single.

I mean this Politely but try to only focus on you..Handle your own life and don't worry whats going on in his marriage but rather stop texting and allow them a real chance to reconcile without his former ap in the picture.

Edited September 22, 2015 by privategal

[dubliner]

What do you really hope to achieve by telling him?

If you hope that this will in some way spur him to end his M and pursue a relationship with you, do you really want it to start that way? Offering yourself as a cushion to fall on?

Wouldn't you rather he left his unhappy M for for the real reasons..that he was done, he wanted a better life for himself?

 

As someone said in another post, you can't make people end their relationship, they have to want to, they have to be ready, carrot dangling may tempt them but they will be forever torn. Better to leave him alone to make his choices about his life from his truth, without influence, then he, and you, will know that it was his decision alone.

 

Like you, I had a non physical A after my M broke down and we seperated. My CM asked me to wait for him, told me he wanted a life with me, then did nothing but talk about seperating. I told him how I felt, laid it all out, told him I was living my life without him and if he ever did become single then I'd want a R. That was 3 years ago, and despite initiating LC almost 2 years ago he is still exactly where he was.

 

So yeah, go ahead and tell him, and keep the door in your heart open, but be prepared for him to stand in the doorway and prevent you truly moving on and finding someone who will come in and fill it.

[starglider]

Thank you both for your replies. Yes, it was a serious back-slide to even be considering this. That was tough for me to see how much I was still idealizing him in my OP. No, I won't have that conversation with him.

 

Had a good therapy session yesterday. I don't like people who stay in "victimhood" over childhood issues and don't want to be that person myself, but at the same time I see it is important to face these old wounds because they truly do get stirred up in romantic relationships. Mine is over childhood neglect (workaholic/alcoholic dad, borderline personality disorder/narcissist/addict mom). I went to the core place in my heart that feels like a room with echoes in it when I'm triggered over childhood neglect and longing feelings. This time I stayed in the place instead of being distracted with a fantasy of unconditional love from a man. I felt the pain for about 20 seconds. It was relentless, like being sprayed with a fireman's hose, and it was hard to get enough air into my lungs. It felt very cathartic.

 

Spent the evening wrapped up in furry blankets, watching youtube with my daughter, making hot chocolate and apple crisp after a healthy dinner, and soaked in a warm bath. Told her every day a few times a day we're going to take a break and figure out what emotion we are feeling, even if she doesn't tell me it, that's fine. But it is easy in life to forget about how we are feeling and that leads us down the path of numbing ourselves to the moment with distractions. She complained that it was stupid and embarrassing and said "come on, do I have to?" So I'll have to figure out a new way to help her grow emotionally that doesn't feel forced.

 

Self soothing and releasing these emotions is what I needed after my backslide with thoughts of ex EA partner.

Edited September 23, 2015 by starglider

[Popsicle]

Yes, it is a bad idea. Mostly because he's not stupid, he knows what you being separated means. It means he can pursue you freely now, and also because it's pointless, he's still married and even if you to,d him, he won't leave like you did. I promise you that.

 

 

If you're truly divorcing you need to see other people. Single men.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Popsicle

[starglider]

So I didn't tell him about my feelings. Just imagining the conversation in my head helped me work through my backslide. I know I have to get through divorce on my own two feet, face the future without a fantasy of him.

 

But then ...

 

He messaged me that he is going to bring his marriage to a close. He told me he's been separated this past summer too for months, his second separation this year - this was a total surprise.

 

He said he is no longer afraid of leaving, that he is hopeful, and that this is the right thing.

 

I told him (all through instant messages) that I'm glad he is hopeful and not afraid and that I think we're here on this earth to live amazing, aligned, energetic lives. He responded: "Yes!"

 

He told me this after I had apologized for bad boundaries and for over sharing about my M troubles with him [as a man], trying to explain why I had made a mistake in contacting him again for work.

 

We touched on our no contact for the past 4 months. He said he knew we were both going through major stuff in our lives and he wasn't mad that we weren't talking. I admitted that I missed him and was worried we were no longer friends. He said I was bananas.

 

I don't know if he really will do this. I saw him and his wife the next day at a public event "together" though each was interacting with others alone, so who knows. (I do that with my separated H too - public events with our daughter). But I actually feel some hope in that we haven't future faked with each other.

 

I felt close to him during the messages but there was no hint of a future of "us together" in the conversation. I think that is healthy. I think going through our stuff alone the past 4 months was healthy too. He did ask more about the status of my M and I said "stuck in ambivalence" because I haven't actually taken any action toward divorce yet, though in truth I'm trying to get there. It is hard to let go when one is still in fear-mode, even when it is the best move. (I didn't say that part).

 

He may only see me as a close friend and may not pursue anything with me even if we are both free. I'm prepared for that and mentally won't see it as a rejection, I hope emotionally I won't too. In the single world there are plenty of possible partners that don't pan out or the timing is wrong; this could be one of those cases too - assuming we both become single which is not a reality yet.

 

At the same time, I still have hope that if we both divorce, at some point he will ask me out and we'll see if something real develops with us. But I'm trying to really shrink down that hope and approach divorce in a realistic way. I may be on my own indefinitely so I have to be ready to take care of myself and my daughter as a duo unit.

 

Any predictions what will happen? Am I out of touch with reality?

Edited October 11, 2015 by starglider

[lemondrop21]

Just wanted to congratulate you on your decision not to have that conversation... Because it wouldn't matter anyway. As another poster said, he knows that since you're separated, he can pursue you if he wants. Best case scenario is that he pursues you after he is also separated - but I definitely think this will happen regardless. Worst case scenario is that he feels you're coming on too strong, flip flops on his commitment to ending his marriage, and you feel like crap.

 

I had that phase by the way, where I felt this super overpowering need to tell a MM that I loved him and that I would be willing to try and make a relationship work if he were available. I went through this few hours on an airplane where I felt absolutely desperate to tell him this, to the point of being a nervous wreck. Eventually I did tell him. It did nothing.

[starglider]

Thanks so much for your response, Lemondrop.

 

I, too, am glad I didn't disclose my feelings for him. It still was a backslide with more bad boundaries, alas, engaging in a messaging conversation like that with him.

 

In your case, what did he do/say after you told him? How soon after did it end? How are you doing now?

[lydiarenee]

It's so funny that we all go through these emotions.

 

I went through the same thing..and over and over I had to remind myself, that yes, he knows. He definitely knows how I feel. I don't need to tell him. That would just make me look desperate.

 

I ONLY want a relationship with him if he decides on divorce because of their own issues. I DO NOT want him to leave her for me, I don't need that burden.

 

At the end of the day....if it is meant to be, it will be.

[starglider]

Thank you, Lydiarenee, for your response. Your story (a similar one) was so heart-breaking. You have carried yourself with a great deal of dignity. How is your recovery going?

 

My recovery took a big boost today. My fantasy scenario of MM telling me he is going to end his marriage came true. And I realized that ultimately I didn't feel any magical sense of peace, well-being, or wholeness from the news. The reality of what would it be like to get to know him through dating, blending marriages, incompatibilities came crashing in. I believe it finally truly rid me of the fantasy!

 

I also realized he shared the news after I attempted to apologize for my bad boundaries in contacting him again and for oversharing about my M problems to him in the past and explaining my husband was angry I had been in touch with him again. He did kind of gaslight my husband at that point. My therapist thinks MM told me he was ending his marriage in response to seeing me attempt to set some healthy boundaries with him. He wanted to keep the fantasy alive too, as I had.

 

So today, when I picked up the work I had him finish, I didn't ask about his M or divorce, I kept the discussion general (a movie I had seen), and he asked me more about my H, where is H staying, is my H really angry at him, how am I doing, etc. I told him the truth that my (separated) H thinks he (MM) leads on married women and my H wants to punch him in the face. I should have apologized for my role in this whole business at that point, but at least I did text him an apology earlier. He seemed freaked out.

 

I think this whole thing is over and he will continue on in his "tragic" marriage just fine. But if he and I both divorce, the history of our bad boundaries is not something I want in a new relationship; his failure to acknowledge we were wrong in this proved he is not the one for me.

 

I'm now facing the future of my life and M without the spectre of MM looming. For the first day in about a year, I hold my H in higher regard than MM.

 

A sense of peace, well-being, and wholeness will come from within myself someday if I keep on working at it. This I know to be true!