I have feelings for somebody else

[Rephinican]

Hello seastar93. While I am a lot less experienced than many of the posters that have already responded to your thread, I do hope that my perspectives add something to the opinions already posted.

 

To begin with, I am actually around you age (one year younger in fact) and in an “LDR-lite” relationship with a girl who goes to a different college that I only get to see once a month at most. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be to not see the person you are dating for months on end. (Or even years!) My relationship requires quite a bit of communication, mutual respect, trust, and investment to pull-off properly and sometimes we still have our problems with the distance so I imagine your relationship would require still more of that and be even more difficult to maintain. Sometimes the distance, and my age gives me a bit of doubts. Hell, I think anyone our age in this kind of a relationship will have doubts. But I have never pursued any other girl at my college (regardless of how pretty they were, if they threw themselves at me, social situations, etc.). I have been faithful to my girlfriend just as you are trying to remain faithful to your boyfriend. But there is something you need to understand seastar93. You are not on a good path for the maintenance of your LDR.

 

I disagree with Spectre. I think that we as humans cannot control who we become attracted to as attraction is not under conscious control- a woman in a committed and “good” relationship can see a man and think “he’s really attractive” and thus become attracted to someone other than her partner. However, we most certainly can control what we DO with the attraction we feel. People in committed relationships with another person might find another individual attractive, fun, interesting etc. but they will not nurture these feelings, they will not allow the initial attraction to blossom into a crush or a longing. And that is what I think the others posters are warning you about: You are engaging with your potential feelings for this boy at your school (who you now state that you formerly had a crush on) and thus allowing them to mature and blossom into something more than they once were. You have to pick seastar93: Do you want this school-boy crush, or your LDR boyfriend? You can’t have both. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for either of these two boys as well.

 

You say that your scenario is different, and you are correct to a degree. Your situation has not quite escalated to the point where you are cheating on your boyfriend. You are emotionally conflicted about whether or not you should allow the feelings for the boy at your school to get to a point where you can cheat on your boyfriend. And it’s easy for your feelings to reach that point.

You had a crush on this person for two years—that’s a lot of left-over feelings that your newfound attraction can feed off of. Honestly, I think that the only real mistake you made was adding your former crush on facebook. That is an avenue for your feelings to further develop seastar93, and it’s keeping you from fully moving on and putting those two years of feelings behind you. It’s going to be a lot harder (if not impossible) to forget this boy when you’re looking at his wall, seeing his like, commenting on his status, and have a constant reminder that he exists and that he is still just as handsome, attractive, witty, fun, interesting, etc. as when you developed feelings for him. And if you let yourself fall back into longing (or limerance, or love, or another “crush”- whichever you prefer) with this boy again, your situation will cease to be unique and you will cease to be faithful. You will be exactly what is described in many other threads: A girl who is cheating on her boyfriend with another man. But you’re not quite there yet. You still have a chance to make a choice before that stage of feeling-maturation when you’re emotionally cheating on your boyfriend.

 

I have no idea what it’s like to have mental health issues like chronic depression as I have been blessed with a fairly healthy mind, so I leave explaining exactly what you should do about your depression to wiser minds than my own with the caveat that I recommend you pursue whatever psychological counseling is offered at your college/university (if you aren’t already of course). Many institutions have free counseling and therapy where you can see a professional and hear their suggestions on your depression. I don’t think either of you should have to leave your respective schools for each-other. That could cause resentment and hurt your future career opportunities. But I do think that you either need to tell your LDR boyfriend that the distance will not work and break up with him, or block/delete your former crush on facebook (delete his number if you have it, etc.). You need to move on from your crush-feelings and stop allowing them to be split between two men. It’s going to be hard seastar93, but you do need to pick.

 

You’ve told your LDR boyfriend about this thread, about your crush, about your continued feelings for him and he hasn’t exactly received all of that positively. Now, you need to tell yourself to choose. I’m not going to inform you which of these two men you should pick- just that you do need to choose one. And besides, when you are less conflicted you can have those butterfly-falling-in-love feelings with one boy as opposed to more minor feelings for two. I realize that it’s not nearly going to be as easy as I am suggesting here, but sometimes doing hard things, and making hard choices is necessary.

 

I’m sorry for your crisis, and wish you the best of luck resolving it.

-Reph

[Diezel]

 

My Dad has been in a loving relationship with my Mum for over 35 years, and he once told me he still sometimes dreams and thinks about this girl that broke up with him in his early twenties.

 

Bad example.

 

This woman broke up with him before your mom was in the picture.

 

Not the same thing about thinking about a woman he wanted to see WHILE he was with your mom.

[smackie9]

Bad example.

 

This woman broke up with him before your mom was in the picture.

 

Not the same thing about thinking about a woman he wanted to see WHILE he was with your mom.

Yes and no. People do meet a crush or two that sweeps them off their feet, through their life. Being married or in a relationship doesn't prevent it from occurring. It can be a coworker, a friend's partner, an ex, etc. We are only human, and whatever fantasy goes on in our head is nobody's business. As long as we keep ourselves in check, don't act on it and recognize for what it is, it's all good. It usually passes.

[Spectre]

I disagree with Spectre. I think that we as humans cannot control who we become attracted to as attraction is not under conscious control- a woman in a committed and “good” relationship can see a man and think “he’s really attractive” and thus become attracted to someone other than her partner.

 

The thing is I think you might of misunderstood me. I wasn't saying people in relationships can't be attracted to other people. I was saying they can't have *feelings* for them. There is a difference between finding someone physically attractive and having feelings for them.

[smackie9]

Yes you can have feelings because it just happens naturally. It's a matter of recognizing it, and not acting on it. She just needs to not spend anymore time with this guy so she can move on from it.

[Diezel]

Yes and no. People do meet a crush or two that sweeps them off their feet, through their life. Being married or in a relationship doesn't prevent it from occurring. It can be a coworker, a friend's partner, an ex, etc. We are only human, and whatever fantasy goes on in our head is nobody's business. As long as we keep ourselves in check, don't act on it and recognize for what it is, it's all good. It usually passes.

 

But she's comparing apples to oranges.

 

She's using her father's situation as an excuse for this. And it's not right.

Doesn't seem like she's keeping it in check either.

[Rephinican]

The thing is I think you might of misunderstood me. I wasn't saying people in relationships can't be attracted to other people. I was saying they can't have *feelings* for them. There is a difference between finding someone physically attractive and having feelings for them.

 

Oh, Well if that's the case then I actually agree with you completely. Feelings of attraction are different than actually having "feelings" for someone. You have to actually cultivate your feelings in order to have feelings for someone while anyone can find someone attractive at any time. Sorry for misunderstanding you then!

 

-Reph

[Rephinican]

Yes and no. People do meet a crush or two that sweeps them off their feet, through their life. Being married or in a relationship doesn't prevent it from occurring. It can be a coworker, a friend's partner, an ex, etc. We are only human, and whatever fantasy goes on in our head is nobody's business. As long as we keep ourselves in check, don't act on it and recognize for what it is, it's all good. It usually passes.

 

But smackie, the problem with seastar93 is that she's put herself in a place where she might act on these sort of feelings, and stands a good chance of re-igniting or re-cultivating them back to the level they were at two years ago. She's quite simply not "keeping herself in check" as she should be. She's letting the fantasies in her head create doubt and conflict in her LDR, and her boyfriend is probably not very okay with what she's feeling right now. She needs to make a choice here. While I completely agree that we cannot control initial feelings we can most certainly control whether or not we strengthen these feelings like seastar93 is doing now. If she is going to strengthen her attraction to the point it becomes feelings then she needs to drop her LDR boyfriend. If not, then this other guy is a distraction and a potential threat to her relationship and she needs to act accordingly.

 

-Reph

[Spectre]

Yes you can have feelings because it just happens naturally. It's a matter of recognizing it, and not acting on it. She just needs to not spend anymore time with this guy so she can move on from it.

 

No, feelings don't happen naturally, not feelings of love or even feelings of liking someone beyond liking their physical appearance.

 

If you are truly in love with someone it doesn't mean you won't find members of the opposite sex attractive, but it DOES mean it will never ever ever go beyond that. Having feelings beyond "you are visually appealing to me" go beyond that.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

But smackie, the problem with seastar93 is that she's put herself in a place where she might act on these sort of feelings, and stands a good chance of re-igniting or re-cultivating them back to the level they were at two years ago. She's quite simply not "keeping herself in check" as she should be. She's letting the fantasies in her head create doubt and conflict in her LDR, and her boyfriend is probably not very okay with what she's feeling right now. She needs to make a choice here. While I completely agree that we cannot control initial feelings we can most certainly control whether or not we strengthen these feelings like seastar93 is doing now. If she is going to strengthen her attraction to the point it becomes feelings then she needs to drop her LDR boyfriend. If not, then this other guy is a distraction and a potential threat to her relationship and she needs to act accordingly.

 

-Reph

But she didn't go into it knowing it was going to happen, it happened, now she is here to understand it and figure out what to do about it. Obviously she loves her BF enough that she is going to change things, and probably distance herself for this guy, knowing what the consequences are or can be. She is young, and this experience is totally new to her, and well, she just got confused. Now that she sees what is to be done, I believe she will take our opinions and advice, and apply accordingly. She is determined to stay with her BF and give it her best to make it work. I say good on her for the effort, and maybe she will prove us all wrong. That's all we can do for her, the rest is up to her.

 

The arguments now are a waste....just another thread ended up with those typical stragglers that like to perch up on their soapboxes and preach.

[smackie9]

No, feelings don't happen naturally, not feelings of love or even feelings of liking someone beyond liking their physical appearance.

 

If you are truly in love with someone it doesn't mean you won't find members of the opposite sex attractive, but it DOES mean it will never ever ever go beyond that. Having feelings beyond "you are visually appealing to me" go beyond that.

Well maybe if you are a robot, you can just switch on or off when it's appropriate.

[Rephinican]

But she didn't go into it knowing it was going to happen, it happened, now she is here to understand it and figure out what to do about it. Obviously she loves her BF enough that she is going to change things, and probably distance herself for this guy, knowing what the consequences are or can be. She is young, and this experience is totally new to her, and well, she just got confused. Now that she sees what is to be done, I believe she will take our opinions and advice, and apply accordingly. She is determined to stay with her BF and give it her best to make it work. I say good on her for the effort, and maybe she will prove us all wrong. That's all we can do for her, the rest is up to her.

 

The arguments now are a waste....just another thread ended up with those typical stragglers that like to perch up on their soapboxes and preach.

 

While I agree with you for the most part, I do think that people give waaaaaay too much credence to the "they were young" argument. True, my peers and I may not understand emotions on the same level that people older than us do, but I've never had an issue determining whether or not dwelling (not necessarily having the idle thought but actually dwelling on these thoughts and indulging them) on thoughts of a person I find attractive is going to cause problems. It seems common sense to me that it will- something cannot grow unless you care for it, and caring for something will probably make it grow. Whether or not that care is maliciously intended is beside the point. And I didn't say anything negative about her situation. I said that she needs to make a choice between her boyfriend and this guy she used to have a crush on. I think she's perfectly capable of making that decision and that either way she decides that she will be fine. I share your optimism that this will be a learning experience for her.

 

And seastar93 just posted on this thread last night, so I fail to see how this is either "straggling" or how the thread is now "a waste". Though, point taken on the soapboxing

 

-Reph

[Rephinican]

Well maybe if you are a robot, you can just switch on or off when it's appropriate.

 

Actually smackie, I had a similar misunderstanding with Spectre this morning. Spectre believes that a person can be attracted another person at first sight but fails to believe that one can feel a profound emotional connection (that he describes as feelings and that either of us might be more comfortable calling "love" "limerance" or "emotional attachment"). So, this seems to me to be less of a statement that one can "turn off" feelings akin to a robot but rather that human beings do not tend to develop advanced emotional attraction to another individual instantaneously.

 

I would tend to agree with this notion as I am not the kind of person who believes in love at first sight. Lust at first sight Oh, most certainly. I've been guilty of that myself at least once. But love or intense emotional attachment (to the point of creating strong feelings) at first sight? Not as much. I think that requires at least some degree of cultivation.

[seastar93]

But she didn't go into it knowing it was going to happen, it happened, now she is here to understand it and figure out what to do about it. Obviously she loves her BF enough that she is going to change things, and probably distance herself for this guy, knowing what the consequences are or can be. She is young, and this experience is totally new to her, and well, she just got confused. Now that she sees what is to be done, I believe she will take our opinions and advice, and apply accordingly. She is determined to stay with her BF and give it her best to make it work. I say good on her for the effort, and maybe she will prove us all wrong. That's all we can do for her, the rest is up to her.

 

The arguments now are a waste....just another thread ended up with those typical stragglers that like to perch up on their soapboxes and preach.

 

^Thank you for this.

 

Some advice to certain people in this thread - get off your high horses.

 

I've spent so long feeling like an awful person because of this but what was I supposed to do? The feelings existed... I can't pretend they didn't. I didn't choose to feel that way so why would they make me a horrible person?

 

I hope some day you will be put in a similar situation and you will realize how complicated thoughts and feelings can become and that it doesn't make you a horrible person to have those kind of thoughts/feelings. It's what you do about it that counts and I haven't done anything wrong all I've done is be honest with my boyfriend and try to clear my head and get to the bottom of my feelings.

 

I'm going to move on from this crush, I'm thinking I might delete my facebook account or deactivate it for some time. It will be hard to forget since I will still see him at school but I'm not going to entertain "what if" thoughts any more, because I've already made my choice and that is to be with my boyfriend.

[Rephinican]

^Thank you for this.

 

Some advice to certain people in this thread - get off your high horses.

 

I've spent so long feeling like an awful person because of this but what was I supposed to do? The feelings existed... I can't pretend they didn't. I didn't choose to feel that way so why would they make me a horrible person?

 

I hope some day you will be put in a similar situation and you will realize how complicated thoughts and feelings can become and that it doesn't make you a horrible person to have those kind of thoughts/feelings. It's what you do about it that counts and I haven't done anything wrong all I've done is be honest with my boyfriend and try to clear my head and get to the bottom of my feelings.

 

I'm going to move on from this crush, I'm thinking I might delete my facebook account or deactivate it for some time. It will be hard to forget since I will still see him at school but I'm not going to entertain "what if" thoughts any more, because I've already made my choice and that is to be with my boyfriend.

 

seastar93, I don't think you're a horrible person. And if I might hazard a guess, I don't think that many people on here think you're a horrible person either. And you're exactly right- you haven't done anything wrong. The only thing that is somewhat questionable was the whole facebook thing, but you seem like you're going to resolve that now so I think you'll be bale to move past this pretty quickly.

 

It's always hard to move past feelings for another person- even when those feelings are unreciprocated. It can feel like a part of you has been shattered, and we can use a lot of excuses to try and get the feelings back long after they should be "gone"- they don't call it heartbreak for nothing, and our hears don't very much like to be broken. They like to be whole. However, it's a million times harder to get over someone when you're constantly confronted by that person. Sure, you might see him around on campus and it might hurt a bit, but you won't see him all the time (unless he's currently in one of your classes) like you would have if you kept him on your facebook/kept your facebook. And honestly, I think you've made the right decision here seastar93. And I hope that decision makes you happier.

 

And as for not understanding the complexity of human emotion, well I'm not sure that's all too accurate. But I do agree that actions speak a lot louder than thoughts and that your actions were quite good during the situation: You told your boyfriend everything, were very honest with him and considerate to his feelings, and have been trying to work everything out. And I wish you the best of luck with that seastar93. I think you'll be okay. You're only 21, and as they say "The world is your oyster" at this age.

 

I'm sorry if anything I said about you or to others in this thread has hurt you, that was not my intention and I completely apologize for my actions if that is the case. And if you aren't getting anything else here except for anger and judgement you think is unnecessary, I'm sorry if you thought my points were a part of that.

 

-Reph

[smackie9]

I can't keep count how many times a person posted a thread about being in love or having strong feelings for two people. We don't wake up one morning and say "I'm going to make sure I fall for someone other than my BF/GF." Like I said we are only human, and it is something we don't always have control over. **** happens because life happens.

[smackie9]

A

I would tend to agree with this notion as I am not the kind of person who believes in love at first sight. Lust at first sight Oh, most certainly. I've been guilty of that myself at least once. But love or intense emotional attachment (to the point of creating strong feelings) at first sight? Not as much. I think that requires at least some degree of cultivation.

Everyone is different emotionally. Cultivation could be as innocent as having a conversation or two with someone. I have experienced this. Meeting someone, and talking to them not realizing some time has passed and the sun is coming up. It all depends on the individual, and their experiences or lack of..

[Spectre]

I can't keep count how many times a person posted a thread about being in love or having strong feelings for two people. We don't wake up one morning and say "I'm going to make sure I fall for someone other than my BF/GF." Like I said we are only human, and it is something we don't always have control over. **** happens because life happens.

 

That's nice, and it doesn't change the fact that if you are in love with someone you don't develop feelings for someone else other then a platonic nature. You don't have to be a robot, just a decent human being. If you're in love with someone and beginning to have feelings for someone else? Yeah, you aren't really that in love.

 

We also definitely have control over when we do or do not remove our clothing and engage in sexual intercourse. That isn't an involuntary thing, it's a choice. So the "we don't have control" doesn't fly. If you're in love with someone and you find other guys physically attractive? Sure, normal. If you are having actual feelings for some other man, butterflies in the stomach, etc. then NO that is not normal.

Edited September 28, 2015 by Spectre

[pteromom]

That's nice, and it doesn't change the fact that if you are in love with someone you don't develop feelings for someone else other then a platonic nature. If you're in love with someone and beginning to have feelings for someone else? Yeah, you aren't really that in love.

 

This is simply untrue.

 

Feelings grow for all kinds of reasons. Hell, you can even have a romantic dream about someone and take a while to shake off those feelings.

 

But if you are in love, and in a committed relationship, you don't ACT on those feelings. You distance yourself from that other person and you focus on your relationship.

 

OP didn't act on the feelings. She has done nothing wrong. And Seastar, there is no reason you need to tell your BF about this. You didn't do anything to tell.

 

I do agree with those who are saying you are young to be worrying about committing your life to someone. You don't have to engage in future talk about marriage and kids with your BF. But if you care about him and want to stay with him, there is no reason not to.

 

However - if you do ever want to end it, please don't let fear of his reaction be a factor. He is responsible for his life. You are responsible for yours.

 

And if he truly has been suicidal in the past, think long and hard about making any decisions like moving in together, marrying, or children. You have many years to do those things - there is no hurry.

[Spectre]

I actually find what you are saying to be untrue. If you are in love with someone you won't be having romantic feelings for someone else, period. It's a cop out to suggest any scenario you would. A "dream" shouldn't leave you feeling romantically involved. The MOMENT you see your significant other again those things should fade away.

 

If they don't? Nope, sorry..acting on it or not doesn't matter. This girl has feelings for some dude in one of her classes..she absolutely should tell her boyfriend. She has a guy in her class that is making her have serious thoughts of cheating on her boyfriend and your response is "you don't have to tell him because you didn't act on it". So basically..until you bang the dude it's okay don't say a word. So nah, I find what you've said to be mostly untrue and I especially question that strange advice. She's already emotionally cheating more or less, but hey lets not tell because..reasons.

 

I also just find some of the other stuff you say makes NO SENSE. This is a guy she has had feelings for..for YEARS. Don't compare this to a friggin dream. It goes well beyond that. It is utterly insane to tell this girl that her wanting to cheat with a guy she has had feelings for..for years is not doing anything wrong. The OP is 21 years old not 12 years old.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Spectre

[Space Ritual]

Get your popcorn, Spectre...I suspect this low drama has not even gotten to the first commercial break yet...lol

[Spectre]

I mean come on now..people need to read these threads more closely. It'd be different if this wasn't a guy she had feelings for that lasted for years..but that is the case so it's not some innocent thing that some people make it out to be.

 

Just makes no sense to me to say wanting to cheat isn't wrong. She didn't say it was a fleeting thought, but something she thinks about a lot. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship, that is not normal if you are in love, and it's honestly just disrespectful.

 

I just don't get why shady behavior is sometimes downplayed here.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

She is only being human.....she will figure it out.

[Spectre]

She is only being human.....she will figure it out.

 

This is a cop out and you know it. But I know she will figure it out, I don't doubt that one bit. What I do doubt is that she will tell her boyfriend of the shady shenanigans going on.