Did I [18/M] expect too much of my ex [17/F], sense of my first relationship

[woggy]

I apologize for the huge amount of text but it would mean the world of me to have your perspective. Thank you

 

My girlfriend and I ended things a few days ago, it was a semi mutual break up but to be honest it was most her decision.

 

We had dated for 8 months, she was my first relationship and pretty much my first everything. She had one previous relationship but always told me it wasn't serious at all. She had just turned 17 and I 18. Before we started dating we had talked for months before hand.

 

The first few months of our relationship were pretty great. No fighting, trust issues etc. Our relationship became exclusive and pretty serious quickly. As stereotypical as it sounds she was very much mature for her age but still of course only 17.

 

Then around the 5 month period something kinda changed especially with me. For some reason I had become very paranoid, jealous and insecure. Anytime she would text a guy or go out with friends I just always assumed the worse. If I even saw her snapchatting a new guy it would send me into a panic of snooping.

 

I realize how unattractive this was of me and wrong it was, I still don't know why I had suddenly became that way. About 6 months into our relationship we had a fight, she broke up with me and only a day later she decided to keep trying.

 

The next month things became very difficult. She had just got a new job, her single mom just had a baby and she was responsible for looking after her two little siblings a good amount. This caused us to see each other a lot less and we stopped talking as much. We went from Skyping everyday for at least an hour to maybe just once a where

 

My girlfriend and her mother have a very tough relationship. Her mother is horrible at times. Blames my girlfriend for not being able to do certain things, makes her feel guilty and has guilted my girlfriend help pay some of the bills since money is tight.

 

After getting her job my girlfriend also had begun to change. Not in major ways but noticeable to me. With her new job she had become a lot more social, previously she was very shy and the not best at socializing. She also had begun to smoke a good amount of pot, almost everyday unlike me who never did.

 

I remember a few weeks into her job, some guys came into her work ( she's a waitress ) they were about our age and I remember them just staring at her and giggling when she looked back as I was there to take her home after her shift. I didn't think you much of it and asked her what it was about when she got off.

 

She told me they were just a few guys from school who she didn't really know them at all and also thought it was odd how they were acting. She said she would message him what he was doing later.

 

Fast forward a few days and I'm picking her up from work again. We get in my car and she gets a text. For some reason I asked if everything was cool and she said yeah it was just a friend of hers ( a female one who I had met before ). I noticed her kind of tilting the screen away from me and holding down on the screen to delete the text.

 

Once I noticed I ask why is she trying to delete and hide the text. She told she was talking about something private that she didn't want me to see. Still suspicious to me I asked her to tell me the truth. She said it was the guy from few nights earlier and that he had asked her to again out. She told him she had work and he asked what time. My girlfriend told me the times.

 

Here's where it gets tricky for me, I asked to see what she replied and basically had to fight to see what she wrote. The next thing she asked him was can he drive? Now to me this pretty much shows she was willing to hang out with him. She claims she was just trying to change the subject. This caused a huge fight between us and I dropped her off immediately.

 

We talked the next day and told her about how it hurt that she lied directly to me, she apologized but said the only reason she did is because she knew how I wrongly reacted bad when she previously told me she told me a guy texted her. Whether or not that's a valid excuse, I'd love to hear your opinion.

 

We decided to get over it and from then things were pretty good for awhile. She had even told me that the guy had texted her more, asking for nudes even. I guess that's worth something.

 

Here's where things kinda decided to head towards the end. My girlfriend's best friend never liked me after my girlfriend originally left me for a day. I'm guessing like teenagers do, my girlfriend said a few unpleasant things about me to her best friend and when we got back together the best friend held a grudge. I could understand that.

 

It eventually got to a point where their were multiples times I couldn't accompany my girlfriend to certain events because her best friend would throw a fit if I went too. During the course of our relationship I had only met her best friend maybe a total of 5 times and each time it went fine. None of those times after our big fight.

 

This seemed somewhat off to me, that she could hold such strong feelings of resentment towards a guy she doesn't really know at all. I had told my girlfriend that I would really like to meet more of her friends and be more involved in her life but that didn't happen ever. I, maybe wrongly assumed that her best friend not liking me was an excuse.

 

I told my girlfriend that maybe we both needed some space for a few days. Just not talk a for a day or two just to get some clarity. So a few days later we meet up and we go out to eat. She starts telling me about her week and she tells me something that really really throws me off.

 

Like I said earlier my girlfriend had begun to smoke a lot of pot and became a lot more social. She tells me she was with her two friends (both female) and they were walking to her house. They were a block away and they ran into two guys walking too. Both 19.

 

She told me all 5 of them went back to the guys house and just smoked pot and hung out. Now to me this is just wrong on a lot of fronts. Unsafe, inconsiderate and just dumb.

 

She tells me nothing happened and that they were really cool. I didn't really care at that point, I was very upset. She knew it would upset me and had made me uncomfortable so I asked her, hypothetically if the guy asked you to come over, just the two of you, would you? Knowing that it would make me uncomfortable. She said yes she would because nothing would happen. She even told me that in the beginning our relationship she wouldn't have done that.

 

Once again for some reason I just swallow it and drop it. Knowing that I can't tell her what to do. Two days later is when it all ended.

 

We had made plans to go out Friday, so I picked her up and we went out. While we were driving she gets a phone call and turns out to be from one of the guys. He asked what she was doing and she just told him she was out downtown. She never specifically mentioned with me. I got kinda irritated but dropped it.

 

Fast forward a few hours later we go back to my house and this is when it gets serious. We both knew something had changed in our relationship and I just directly asked her what's going on with us.

 

She told me she's been feeling different, not about us but herself. That she doesn't know what's wrong with her but she feels like something is. That she loves me and wants to be with me that she doesn't like relationship and doesn't like having to worry about some of the consequences of doing what she wants. This really hurt to hear but it at least seemed to be the truth.

 

I even asked her directly is their somebody else at all, she told me their isn't, I'm for some reason inclinded to believe her. She told me she didn't want to lose me and that she loves me, wants us to still talk. I tell her that I don't think I can be friends, at least not for awhile. I told her I couldn't bare to watch her eventually be with somebody else and she told that's the thing, that there isn't and wouldn't be anybody else.

 

I drove her home, I cried and we said our final goodbyes. I drove home and she texted me a few times that night telling me she loves me and thanks me for being so good to her. That I'm the only person who knows who she really is and understands her. She tells me she feels like things will work themselves out between us and to have hope, because she does.

 

It's been two days and they have been unbearably hard for me. We haven't talked at all since that night and I deleted all my Social media accounts, have forced myself to not view hers.

 

Well a few hours ago she text me, telling me that she just needs to be in contact with me. I tell her that she ended things and that it's too hard right now to be talk again, as friends. She tells me we can talk and just to ask her about anything, that she just wants to talk.

 

I tell her I'm sorry but it's unfair and that I hope in the future we can talk but right its too hard. She sends one more message saying she loves me and I reply that I love her too but just until she feels things have changed with her or us, that I just need a little space. So far she hasn't messaged again.

 

This is part is probably irrelevant but it bugs me for some reason. When I drove her home after we ended things the 19 old guy texted, I looked over and saw he asked if she was still downtown. His name in her phones contact list had a smiley face after it.

 

I just need some analysis of this relationship so I can make sense of it. She wasn't perfect and neither was I at all

 

• Did I expect too much maturity and seriousness out of this relationship?

 

• Was it wrong of me to expect her to not do certain things? I hope to make it very clear, I never believed she cheated on but I just think she wanted to do what she wanted without worrying.

 

 

 

TL:DR - First love relationship, was I wrong in what I expected out of it?

 

We are both so young, I just don't know if I have the right to be upset by things or I'm just being unreasonable.

Edited September 22, 2015 by woggy

[casey.lives]

17-18 is young to expect much. yes.

[Hipster_22]

I'm sorry for why you're going through, I can relate to it as I am going through something similar and a similar age, I'm 20.

 

This myth that you are too young for a serious relationship is just that: a myth. You can find love at any age. Yes it is tougher to follow it through at a young age but that doesn't mean it does not exist. I don't think you expected too much, if she is talking to other guys like that then of course you are going to be a little mad, she shouldn't have done that and she should have spoken to you about it. You were right to question her about it and she should have sat down and properly spoke about any problems there were in the relationship. Communication is so important, it may seem obvious but honestly a lot of people underestimate it and that is one of the main reasons most end prematurely.

 

Relationships are about trust and confidence in your partner, there's nothing wrong with having friends that are the opposite sex (I'm sure you have friends that are female, I know I do). Maybe she wasn't ready to fully commit to a long term relationship and once the honey moon period was over she just wanted something new.

 

Hang in there my friend, it's so soon after your break up. It looks like you've implemented a form of NC but keep going. Do not contact her, don't answer her messages or phone calls. As tempting as it is refrain yourself from any contact or reminders of her, it really is hell but it's the only way you will heal. Don't use NC as a means of getting her back, use it to better yourself however long it takes. If she reaches out to you after NC then you should be able to make a decision if you do want to try again or not. I'm 17 days NC and it still hurts so much, but I am determined to move on. Stay on these forums, read other people's stories. What I have been doing too is just thinking about the bad things about her, the negatives (I didn't think she had any, I thought she was perfection but over time you will realise that they aren't as perfect as you make them out to be, you have my word on that).

 

Stay strong, you're at the start of a difficult journey ahead. Do not give in, persevere and you will be fine in time

[coryreply]

Sorry you're going through all of this, bro. It's not easy.

 

It sounds like she wasn't really ready to be in a committed relationship. Maybe she wasn't cheating on you per se, but I think it's safe to say she didn't mind exploring other possibilities.

 

Give this time. Things will sort themselves out. You guys will either move on from one another or get back together and be stronger for having gone through all of this.

 

Good luck!

[woggy]

Sorry you're going through all of this, bro. It's not easy.

 

It sounds like she wasn't really ready to be in a committed relationship. Maybe she wasn't cheating on you per se, but I think it's safe to say she didn't mind exploring other possibilities.

 

Give this time. Things will sort themselves out. You guys will either move on from one another or get back together and be stronger for having gone through all of this.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks a lot man, that really helped. But yeah I definitely think she just wanted that freedom not to worry about being a responsible girlfriend and I kinda get that, just by how young we are. Sadly still hurts a lot to know that