Social media drama

[cateyes11]

Am I overreacting? Would you have been mad too? What would you do?

 

Background info: dating a guy for 5 months, 3 months exclusively. He's 36 and I'm 32. Things are very serious with us, or so I thought.

 

Caught him flirting with women on Instagram, as in he's been commenting and interacting with them. Some are just things like 'beautiful' and 'looking good' and stuff like that.

 

The rest aren't so innocuous.

 

On one post a girl posted a selfie with a caption that she was on her way to this restaurant and he said 'Love that place. Meet you there?' On another post a girl posted a quote about missing a warm body to hold at night and he commented 'I can fix that. Coming over.'

 

I confronted him about it over the weekend and told him I didn't like it at all, knowing he does that hurts me and is insulting to me as a partner and that it looks like I'm not enough for him.

 

He said it was harmless, he was just joking, turned it around on me, and became very defensive. He also says I'm overreacting and why don't I trust him.

 

It has been two days and he isn't talking to me.

 

Four our age, this is absolutely ridiculous.

 

Would really like some insight into this situation, his reaction, and what I should do? Thanks.

Edited September 22, 2015 by cateyes11

[d0nnivain]

A few compliments, I'd tell you to simmer down. Offering to meet another woman for what looks like a date, is more problematic.

 

Flip the tables back on him. Explain it's not about trust but respect & hurt feelings. Whether he thinks you are right to have your nose out of joint is not the issue. Him caring enough about you to be remorseful that his actions hurt your feelings is the issue.

 

If he refuses to take your feelings into consideration & talk about this conflict maturely, go find a man who will.

[Space Ritual]

Am I overreacting? Would you have been mad too? What would you do?

 

Background info: dating a guy for 5 months, 3 months exclusively. He's 36 and I'm 32. Things are very serious with us, or so I thought.

 

Caught him flirting with women on Instagram, as in he's been commenting and interacting with them. Some are just things like 'beautiful' and 'looking good' and stuff like that.

 

The rest aren't so innocuous.

 

On one post a girl posted a selfie with a caption that she was on her way to this restaurant and he said 'Love that place. Meet you there?' On another post a girl posted a quote about missing a warm body to hold at night and he commented 'I can fix that. Coming over.'

 

I confronted him about it over the weekend and told him I didn't like it at all, knowing he does that hurts me and is insulting to me as a partner and that it looks like I'm not enough for him.

 

He said it was harmless, he was just joking, turned it around on me, and became very defensive. He also says I'm overreacting and why don't I trust him.

 

It has been two days and he isn't talking to me.

 

Four our age, this is absolutely ridiculous.

 

Would really like some insight into this situation, his reaction, and what I should do? Thanks.

 

So he is doing this at 36 on Instagram? lol. You have yourself a real catch there, Lady.

 

He will continue to act this way whether you are upset or not. If he is dong this at that age then he is past the point of caring very much what you think. He needs constant validation and online is a great place to get it, because in many person's minds it is harmless...but as you wrote in it obviously isn't harmless is it?

 

This is a snapshot of the remainder of your relationship. Since you confronted him about this and he basically got defensive hsi next logical step is to up the ante and go balls deep because he senses you will stay with him regardless of how he acts. So in his mind its a win win.

 

Why don't you call his bluff and dump him? I would if I were you. It's the behavior I expect from a 16 year old not a 36 year old. Continue at your own peril, for he has seen no consequences for his actions other than an argument or two and that is not much of a deterrent.

 

Nothing is gong to change unless you take action. and that action should be to get rid of him.

[smackie9]

So what if he was joking, it's not appropriate. His attitude towards it is very disrespectful of your relationship and you personally. I wouldn't waste anymore time on him, he doesn't care what you think.....dump his ass.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is disrespecting you and your relationship, and trying to make you feel bad about it. Why would want to stay with a man like that?

[proactivedreamer]

Funny, one of my good friends had this same problem, but she was the one posting provocative pics and getting a lot of compliments from men. Her bf had asked her to stop posting those kinds of pics because he didn't like what the men were saying, and I guess he felt like she was disrespecting their relationship. She later told me that she thinks social media isn't good for relationships, and makes it easy to cheat. I think people have to have boundaries on and offline.

[Ophelia27]

Leave him with his instagram crushes that wont give him the time of day like you do. Soon he will realize what he did when he doesnt actually have a woman to hug him anymore because he craves online attention.

[Spectre]

I just want to say that this behavior doesn't fly no matter what your age is. I always hate when a person gets upset over flirting and their partner says it was harmless. No see if it was HARMLESS then you wouldn't be having a friggin discussion about the harm it is doing. When did people get this weird idea in their heads that THEY get to decide what does or does not harm OTHER people?

 

Asking someone to meet up or offering to hold them or whatever? For me that is a dumpable offense. People who can't control themselves and not flirt are just attention whores and not dating material. If you need attention that badly get yourself a puppy or a kitten. Or go join the "Big Brother" or "Big Sister" program.

[PegNosePete]

Background info: dating a guy for 5 months, 3 months exclusively.

 

Caught him flirting with women on Instagram

Did not read any further than this.

 

Instant dump.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect £200.

[d0nnivain]

I always hate when a person gets upset over flirting and their partner says it was harmless.

 

I think a lot of flirting is harmless & I am a big flirt. However, if a partner tells me they feel disrespected by my actions, I try to see their perspective & at least tone it down. I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing but if I genuinely cared about the other person I'd alter my behavior.

 

I had a partner years ago who didn't care so much about the flirting. He was a bigger flirt then me but his issue was dancing. He thought it was the height of disrespect for me to dance with another man without asking his permission 1st. I thought that was ridiculous & it made me feel devalued, like he thought I didn't have enough sense to make my own decisions. We talked & argued but eventually worked out a compromise. I'd announce when I was off to fast dance with another but would give him "the right of first refusal" on slow dances.

 

It was about compromise and respect but not always about only doing exactly what one partner demands.

[kendahke]

I confronted him about it over the weekend and told him I didn't like it at all, knowing he does that hurts me and is insulting to me as a partner and that it looks like I'm not enough for him.

 

He said it was harmless, he was just joking, turned it around on me, and became very defensive. He also says I'm overreacting and why don't I trust him.

 

Would really like some insight into this situation, his reaction, and what I should do? Thanks.

 

You both have made your viewpoints known and you both understand where each of you stands on this issue--and it's not together. That's called "an impasse".

 

Question to you is: Are you willing to end this relationship over this? Because there is no guarantee that he's ever going to stop his IG shenanigans. In order to stay with him, you're going to have to find a way to tolerate this and be happy, quiet and content with him. Can you? If he wanted to stop doing this or cared that his actions are hurting the esteem of both you and the relationship, he wouldn't have gotten defensive with you. That says that how he conducts himself is fine in his eyes and that the problem is with you and not him.

 

So, what are you prepared to do? You kind of need to figure that one out. Is this your hill to die on?

[Spectre]

I think a lot of flirting is harmless & I am a big flirt. However, if a partner tells me they feel disrespected by my actions, I try to see their perspective & at least tone it down. I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing but if I genuinely cared about the other person I'd alter my behavior.

 

I had a partner years ago who didn't care so much about the flirting. He was a bigger flirt then me but his issue was dancing. He thought it was the height of disrespect for me to dance with another man without asking his permission 1st. I thought that was ridiculous & it made me feel devalued, like he thought I didn't have enough sense to make my own decisions. We talked & argued but eventually worked out a compromise. I'd announce when I was off to fast dance with another but would give him "the right of first refusal" on slow dances.

 

It was about compromise and respect but not always about only doing exactly what one partner demands.

 

I'm sorry, but this sounds wrong to me. Saying you could no more stop flirting then you could breathing just comes off as ridiculous and a cop out. There is a problem if you need attention that badly. There is also a problem if you need to work out some sort of system that allows you to dance with other dudes. I mean seriously, a "right of refusal" so you can SLOW DANCE with other men? If you have a boyfriend then wanting to slow dance with other dudes shouldn't even be entering your mind. I mean come on now, don't tell me you don't realize there is a certain intimacy that can come with slow dancing? So why can't you just slow dance with your bf?

 

A "don't flirt or dance with other dudes" demand isn't really that big a deal. No more then a "don't bang other dudes" demand.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Spectre

[cateyes11]

I didn't expect so many responses. Thanks. All of this is pretty much my sentiment. I had already let him go. It wasn't just the flirting that made me do it, it was also the way he handled the confrontation.

 

Here is an update.

 

After 3 days of silence he contacted me and we talked today over lunch. He apologized for the flirting and for disrespecting me and promised he is done with doing that. He said he thought it was harmless because he didn't mean anything by it/wasn't going to really act on it and to him it was the equivalent of liking pics. he said he would do whatever it took to make it right.

 

What do you guys think? Discussed this with a couple close guy friends and they said give him another chance he was just doing a stupid, dense guy thing, but keep him on a leash.

 

He didn't apologize for being so defensive but that's another issue altogether.

[cateyes11]

I think a lot of flirting is harmless & I am a big flirt. However, if a partner tells me they feel disrespected by my actions, I try to see their perspective & at least tone it down. I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing but if I genuinely cared about the other person I'd alter my behavior.

 

I had a partner years ago who didn't care so much about the flirting. He was a bigger flirt then me but his issue was dancing. He thought it was the height of disrespect for me to dance with another man without asking his permission 1st. I thought that was ridiculous & it made me feel devalued, like he thought I didn't have enough sense to make my own decisions. We talked & argued but eventually worked out a compromise. I'd announce when I was off to fast dance with another but would give him "the right of first refusal" on slow dances.

 

It was about compromise and respect but not always about only doing exactly what one partner demands.

 

This is interesting and I'm with Spectre on this one. I'm not sure I understand why this is okay but i'm probably missing something. Was there a reason why you had to dance with other men in the first place? Did your partner just not like dancing...?

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry, but this sounds wrong to me. Saying you could no more stop flirting then you could breathing just comes off as ridiculous and a cop out. There is a problem if you need attention that badly. There is also a problem if you need to work out some sort of system that allows you to dance with other dudes. I mean seriously, a "right of refusal" so you can SLOW DANCE with other men? If you have a boyfriend then wanting to slow dance with other dudes shouldn't even be entering your mind. I mean come on now, don't tell me you don't realize there is a certain intimacy that can come with slow dancing? So why can't you just slow dance with your bf?

 

A "don't flirt or dance with other dudes" demand isn't really that big a deal. No more then a "don't bang other dudes" demand.

 

You missed my whole point which was about compromise & communication. My then BF & I negotiated a system which worked for us in our relationship. It doesn't have to work for you. You & I are not in a relationship.

 

I like to dance. My then BF & my husband don't. So because they don't enjoy an activity I shouldn't be precluded from participating in it? That's like saying because I don't like coffee my husband should stop drinking it & he also has to give up video games because I don't play. Ridiculous.

 

There are ways to slow dance without it being sexual. There was an old Catholic school "rule" about leaving room for Jesus, meaning that during the dance the two people stood far enough apart that another person could stand between them. We're not talking about grinding or being romantic. We're talking about a waltz type dance or even a box step, not hanging all over another person.

 

I'm not sure this link will work but this is the body positioning I'm talking about: https://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view;_ylt=AwrB8pGg7gNWhAsABzIunIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTIzbmtsODlwBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDaW1nBG9pZANkMjRlYjYxMjY1NTljNzQ4ZjUzODE5N2U3YWEwYzY1MARncG9zAzE1BGl0A2Jpbmc-?.origin=&back=https%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dslow%2Bdance%2Bleave%2Broom%2Bfor%2Bjesus%26fr%3Dyhs-mozilla-004%26fr2%3Dpiv-web%26hsimp%3Dyhs-004%26hspart%3Dmozilla%26tab%3Dorganic%26ri%3D15&w=486&h=472&imgurl=churchoflaugh.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F12%2F73854_436511796410883_325590115_n.jpeg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fchurchoflaugh.com%2Fleave-room-for-the-holy-spirit%2F&size=24.4KB&name=Pastor+L.+Ohwell+on+December+4%2C+2012+%2F+1+comment&p=slow+dance+leave+room+for+jesus&oid=d24eb6126559c748f538197e7aa0c650&fr2=piv-web&fr=yhs-mozilla-004&tt=Pastor+L.+Ohwell+on+December+4%2C+2012+%2F+1+comment&b=0&ni=21&no=15&ts=&tab=organic&sigr=11oainjsn&sigb=14qvrkc5n&sigi=12jogjmfr&sigt=11gqfvbj6&sign=11gqfvbj6&.crumb=R1uDz3w6Zmc&fr=yhs-mozilla-004&fr2=piv-web&hsimp=yhs-004&hspart=mozilla

 

Again, the issue is how the two people in the relationship deal with conflict. Talking about the issues, addressing them & working to reach a compromise saves the relationship. Ultimatums don't.

 

I don't believe in open marriage or polyamory but they work for some people. I would not want to be in a situation like that & chose not to be. That doesn't give me the right to dictate how other couples behave.

 

Judge all you want. I know where my boundaries are & I'm happy.

Edited September 24, 2015 by d0nnivain

[PegNosePete]

What do you guys think? Discussed this with a couple close guy friends and they said give him another chance he was just doing a stupid, dense guy thing, but keep him on a leash.

Personally I would not give him another chance.

 

I don't want to be with someone that I have to keep on a leash. I want someone who freely chooses to stay by my side. I don't want someone who only behaves well when they are being watched. You can't trust that kind of person, and without trust, a relationship is a sham.

[Spectre]

You missed my whole point which was about compromise & communication. My then BF & I negotiated a system which worked for us in our relationship. It doesn't have to work for you. You & I are not in a relationship.

 

I like to dance. My then BF & my husband don't. So because they don't enjoy an activity I shouldn't be precluded from participating in it? That's like saying because I don't like coffee my husband should stop drinking it & he also has to give up video games because I don't play. Ridiculous.

 

You are comparing dancing with other men to drinking coffee though, which is equally ridiculous. Coffee and video games do not involve being up close and touching the opposite sex. If you want to say you dance Catholic style with a huge gap between you fine. Most people tend not to do that, but if you are one of the few that do then..well, okay. I can respect that if you constantly kept up the whole Catholic dance style thing of being able to fit a person in the gap between you.

 

Again, the issue is how the two people in the relationship deal with conflict. Talking about the issues, addressing them & working to reach a compromise saves the relationship. Ultimatums don't.

 

I don't believe in open marriage or polyamory but they work for some people. I would not want to be in a situation like that & chose not to be. That doesn't give me the right to dictate how other couples behave.

 

Judge all you want. I know where my boundaries are & I'm happy.

 

For me the term open marriage is an oxymoron.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm stupid, disregard. I totally thought oxymoron was naming something that could already be inferred from the description, and i've believed this to be true for years...

for instance, "Bluejay bird". A bluejay is already a bird, so essentially, you're saying "a bird bird".

 

moving on....

 

^ Agree with above post.

Edited September 24, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes