Getting back together, or not? Confused...

[at750gr]

After reading through the different posts, I decided to share my story and my current situation which I find rather difficult and confusing.

 

I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago, after being together for 2 years. Our relationship was wonderful and we never had any real problems between us, apart from the sudden fear that possessed both of us a few times on the prospect of serious future commitment, something we knew would happen one day. In fact, we managed to establish a mental and emotional link between us that (as it seems) cannot be broken.

 

The reason for breaking up was quite stupid in my opinion, as we both found ourselves in difficult situations and decided to "take a break" and see what happens. Unfortunately, both of us being very stubborn characters, we tried to detach from each other and embarked on new ventures. I'm not going to dig any further into the past, because I believe that what happened, happened (and maybe for a reason) and there's no point looking back. The only thing that has to be mentioned is that we didn't have a bad breakup, nor did we have a big fight or any "serious" reason for cutting contact. We maintained some distance for 4-5 weeks, but we were very kind and friendly to each other. And then one day she decided to tell me how much she misses me, how much she loves me, then came to see me and we cuddled, we kissed and even cried together. And then she just cut contact.

 

The day after our last encounter, she started seeing someone else who is clearly not inspiring her or giving her any intellectual stimulation. Knowing her and having seen her reactions on certain things I can safely say that this is the case. So it looks more like she's in an easy-going relationship and maybe she enjoys the convenience of it. In my case, I have been dating a lot and had a couple of brief relationships which were not what I needed, so I chose to remain single for a while. About 6-7 weeks ago, I got together with a lovely woman I've known for many years and although we've always been attracted to each other, we never let it go any further until now. And I must say that although it's not serious, we're having a good time.

 

Over the months we've been apart (not talking to each other), my ex tried to contact me on a number of occasions. She would appear out of nowhere either with a formal email, or a friendly online chat, even using nicknames and phrases we used when we were together. And then she would disappear again, without ever giving a reason for this kind of behaviour. I never did anything like that, and l just left her to her own devices since the day she cut contact.

 

One day, not so long ago, after trying to clear up my mind and put all my thoughts and feelings into the right perspective, I realised that despite everything that happened so far, I still have extremely strong feelings for my ex. I feel true and unconditional love for her and knowing how we were together, I felt that I should openly express my feelings to her. So I initiated a meeting, telling her we must talk. She accepted, came over to see me and ended up staying for nearly 7 hours. After the initial catch-up I told her about the way I feel. That took her by surprise, as her eyes were wide open and her face was just beaming. We both agreed that we seem to have a link that cannot be broken and she told me that she knows she won't be happy if she stays away from me. She talked about many 'signs' she had, how she's been thinking about this and even told me how right I was on many things I've told her in the past. We talked for hours about everything, from literature to politics, we laughed, we played music together and we had a great time.

 

Since that day we are in almost daily contact, mainly online. She has been telling me how our conversation inspired her to explore new subjects and new ideas, but she has discreetly refused to meet me again, telling me she was very busy etc. One day she's very friendly and warm, the next she's just cold and formal. One day she'll go on telling me she had a dream about 'us', the next she'll just disappear or cut the conversation in the middle.

 

The point is that this situation can't go on like that. We are both in different relationships, and we keep our contact secret. I'm very busy and I have many things going on in my life right now, but I can't ignore my true feelings for her and I am prepared to start all over again, as I know that we'll both be very happy. What I am not prepared to do, is to try and balance on such a thin rope and spend my time waiting for her to decide whether she wants us to be together again or not. I have made myself very clear about the way I feel and judging by what she told me, she still has feelings for me.

 

So here I am, confused about what is really happening. Is this a silly game or not? I can't really tell...

[Marshbear]

What I am not prepared to do, is to try and balance on such a thin rope and spend my time waiting for her to decide whether she wants us to be together again or not. I have made myself very clear about the way I feel and judging by what she told me, she still has feelings for me.

 

I would continue your life as you are because she is unsure and indecisive. You cannot wait for her so I would continue and if she comes around great( but she may not). She knows how you feel and that you want a relationship with her. Leave it at that. The decision is hers.

 

 

Peace...

[outdated]

Originally posted by Marshbear

 

I would continue your life as you are because she is unsure and indecisive. You cannot wait for her so I would continue and if she comes around great( but she may not). She knows how you feel and that you want a relationship with her. Leave it at that. The decision is hers.

 

I couldn't agree more. Keep moving forward and let her make up her mind. And once again, you broke up with her, so if she has any intentions of coming back to you, she has to be sure that you're not going to pull the same crap again. This may take more time than you want it to or are willing to spend.

[at750gr]

Originally posted by outdated

I couldn't agree more. Keep moving forward and let her make up her mind. And once again, you broke up with her, so if she has any intentions of coming back to you, she has to be sure that you're not going to pull the same crap again. This may take more time than you want it to or are willing to spend.

 

I did not break up with her. It was a mutual decision, which I respected and which doesn't explain why she cut contact and then tried to contact me again a number of times...

[outdated]

Originally posted by at750gr

I did not break up with her. It was a mutual decision, which I respected and which doesn't explain why she cut contact and then tried to contact me again a number of times...

 

 

Sorry I saw this in original post:

 

"I broke up with my ex about 8 months ago, after being together for 2 years."

 

Just misinterpretted I guess. Anyhow, she might be playing games, but likely she is testing the waters. She may still be interested but doesn't want to go full steam ahead unless she knows that you are serious. She may be realizing that the relationship she is currently in wasn't as satisfying as the one she had with you. Sometimes you have to step away and put yourself in a new situation to understand how you feel, and that may take time. To have these new emotions come back up when she thinks of you is probably very confusing.

 

As I said, you have to keep moving forward and let her decide. Don't blow her off, but make sure she understands that you don't need her to survive.

[upsetnhurt]

at750.

 

The reason for her being hot/cold has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her. You may have resolved any issues within yourself that caused your mutual breakup, it is obvious that the issues that caused the breakup on her side have not completely been resolved. Thus, while she shows you that she does care about you when you spend time together....she continues to get scared by the proposition of getting back together with you and thus pulls back. She just is not ready yet and you will have to wait it out. You need to decide for yourself if that waiting period should be such that you have "no contact" with her or one where you are strong enough mentally to be her friend and simply support her through this process. Bear in mind that if you ever push to far.....she will be put back tenfold so keep your time together quite light. She knows how you feel and nothing has to be discussed again until she is ready.

[at750gr]

upsetnhurt:

 

You are right. That's why I've decided to keep our contact to a bare minimum, as there's really no point to discuss the same things over and over. As you point out, she knows exactly how I feel about her and she also knows that she still has feelings for me which is confusing her. I'm happy to sit back and wait because I know she's worth it, but I'm also carrying on with my life as it is right now.

 

The one thing that frustrates me though, is that she's not being absolutely clear to me about her plans. She's with someone else right now and she keeps our contact secret. I don't think this is nice. I suspect that she doesn't want to burn any bridges, so she's just letting things take their way, rather than being proactive about it. I understand that she's quite younger than me and wants to explore more things, discover things herself, and this is the reason I've never pushed her or tried to persuade her to do anything. My feelings for her will never change, I just don't like the idea of her capitalising on that fact.

 

I somehow know that we'll end up together again, it's just a matter of when. I hope it happens before we retire.

[upsetnhurt]

At750,

 

I have to admit that it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that your ex is currently seeing someone while deciding how to proceed with you. I am not so sure how she feels about this new person yet I have to believe there have to be some feelings for her to still be involved with him. Add to the fact that she keeps any time with you secret and I am almost sure there is more to it. I am not so sure I could ever go back to someone who treats you the way she has. While it is not intentionally hurtful, she has to realize that you are hurting too.......you will need to reconcile her actions within yourself too or they will boil over ways down the road. Trust, honesty and communication are three necessities in any relationship and I am not sure you have any one of them with her.

[at750gr]

upsetnhurt,

 

It doesn't bother me that she's seeing someone else. I have too and I'm seeing someone else right now; nothing serious though.

 

What bothers me is that when I talked to her openly, she didn't say that she wasn't interested. Instead, she said things like "I know I'll end up unhappy without you" and "I had a dream about you holding me and smiling and me beaming" and "Our paths are destined to cross and you know it as much as I" and things like that. Yet, she hasn't made any move towards that direction. As I said, I am prepared to go back but as things stand it looks to me like she's playing some kind of game.

 

Not to mention that the guy she's seeing hates me, gives me really funny looks and he also tried to initiate a fight with me once by being extremely rude, but I just ignored him...

 

It seems as if she's just feeding on my feelings for her, whilst maintaining her convenient present situation with someone she's got control over. I'm quite happy as I am right now and I have no hard feelings whatsoever, but I must admit that getting back together with her is what I really want deep down inside; hence the confusion.

[upsetnhurt]

at750.

 

So what has happened since we last placed messages down?

[at750gr]

Well, it's all been so confusing that caused me a proverbial headf***...

 

It seems that she's determined to follow her plans as they are right now and I'm not really sure even if she's aware of what they actually are. She initially broke NC a few times during the winter and finally announced to me that she was moving away. Then, after we met she told me she realised it was a mistake and she wasn't going to do it. Finally, a few days ago she announced again that she is finally moving away with her boyfriend.

 

Personally, I believe that's just a silly game. Knowing her, I am perfectly aware of the reasons behind her (in)decisions and I also found out that she's not really having the best of times in her current affair.

 

So, let it be this way. I went back to NC a few days ago and I plan to maintain it.

 

After we expressed our feelings towards each other, I gave her the opportunity to put everything behind us and make a fresh start. It seems that she entertained the thought, but finally decided to stick to her 'easy-going' plans.

 

I gurantee that she will find ways to contact me, as she'll realise (sooner or later) that she's lost the opportunity for good. I cannot just erase my feelings and I must admit that there's a part of me that still holds the hope of getting back together in the future. We were a winning combination, but I guess the age difference has created all this. Wrong timing I guess...

 

So, back to NC and my life as usual, but I will be posting updates for academic purposes. She's a good subject for behavioural psychology.

[JackieL]

Oh boy - does your drama sound familiar!!!

 

It comes down to the fact she doesn't quite trust you or the relationship. I've been thru this exact same scenario with my ex and I can tell you from a woman's point of view - yes, it's gameplaying but she's just not sure about you.

 

The NC crap is just to wake up the other person and get them to come around again. You do the NC knowing she'll start contacting you again so you're playing games just as much as she is.

 

You need to once again lay it out on the line - speak your mind. Tell her you love her and want her but she's gotta decide now if she wants you too. If she does then you guys need to make a committment to not see others and work on the relationship.

 

If she's undecided and can't fully focus on you - I'd move on.

 

I went thru the exact same thing and it took my man professing undying love and promising me that we'd be in it for the long haul before I gained my trust back in him. You both have to say "We gotta stop playing games and either make it work or break up for good so we can go on with our lives".