How to improve friendship and potential relationship

[skier10]

A female friend got out of a 7 year relationship that she was in since HS last spring and she was pretty broken up about it. We began hanging out more and even though I should have know better, I totally fell for her. She was still so broken up that she moved to a different, though nearby city. In the early weeks she was there I had excuses to be down there (for other reasons but also.. well you know). We hung out a lot and did a lot of date like stuff when I was there. That was several months out and I should have asked her out/made my feeling known to her. I didn't and now I really regret it. The last time we hung out things seemed a little awkward but we both had a lot going on and I was certainly preoccupied.

 

Now I feel like I am loosing her as a potential relationship but also as a friend. Sometimes she sends me flirty texts but other times she is completely cold. I have tried to do something with her but either she or I have been busy although after several times of it not working out I am beginning to wonder...

 

I want to straighten things out with her and get some clarity. Ideally I would like to move the relationship forward but I don't feel very confident that she is even interested in me. I also don't want another occasion to go by without bringing thing out in the open and risk things becoming more even more muddled.

 

I guess my options are to:

a. Try to call or text her and try to work things out over the phone. I don't like this at all since there is so much opportunity for misinterpretation over the phone and it seems wimpy (not doing it face to face).

b. I could tell her that she seems too busy to do something and to tell me if she wants to do something. (Put the ball in her court). Then bring things up if she does set something up. (And hope she does)

c. Text her that we need to talk and try to set something up then. This would make it awkward when we did meet up but maybe it needs to happen.

[strach]

A female friend got out of a 7 year relationship that she was in since HS last spring and she was pretty broken up about it. We began hanging out more and even though I should have know better, I totally fell for her. She was still so broken up that she moved to a different, though nearby city. In the early weeks she was there I had excuses to be down there (for other reasons but also.. well you know). We hung out a lot and did a lot of date like stuff when I was there. That was several months out and I should have asked her out/made my feeling known to her. I didn't and now I really regret it. The last time we hung out things seemed a little awkward but we both had a lot going on and I was certainly preoccupied.

 

Now I feel like I am loosing her as a potential relationship but also as a friend. Sometimes she sends me flirty texts but other times she is completely cold. I have tried to do something with her but either she or I have been busy although after several times of it not working out I am beginning to wonder...

 

I want to straighten things out with her and get some clarity. Ideally I would like to move the relationship forward but I don't feel very confident that she is even interested in me. I also don't want another occasion to go by without bringing thing out in the open and risk things becoming more even more muddled.

 

I guess my options are to:

a. Try to call or text her and try to work things out over the phone. I don't like this at all since there is so much opportunity for misinterpretation over the phone and it seems wimpy (not doing it face to face).

b. I could tell her that she seems too busy to do something and to tell me if she wants to do something. (Put the ball in her court). Then bring things up if she does set something up. (And hope she does)

c. Text her that we need to talk and try to set something up then. This would make it awkward when we did meet up but maybe it needs to happen.

 

When was the last time you guys hung out? Has the amount of times you hang out significantly dropped? I do worry that there's a good chance you have been friendzoned by this point as I feel something would have happened by now if it was going to. Although that being said flirty texts would be a little strange if all she wanted was to be friends.

 

I'm not too sure what the best course of action would be, although I would suggest it be face-to-face and not leaving it in her court as its you that wants her and she would have said something by now if she was going to. Maybe just plan a lunch or something as a catch up and if you feel its right, tell her how you have felt. I do have to warn you though, having dated a good friend myself, things could easily get awkward and ruin the friendship. But I am a believer in expressing your feelings and accepting the risks involved.

 

Best of luck mate

[nightingal]

If I were in your place, I would have expressed my feelings. If you really like this girl, why not give it a shot rather than regret about it later? Worst case, ruins your friendship but as you've mentioned things have become awkward between you two anyway. Atleast you are being honest with her.

[skier10]

We haven't hung out since June although I have tried to do something a few different times.

 

To the other poster I wish I would have done something earlier and now I'm trying to play catchup so to speak. I know I may have screwed up but I don't want to give up on this. If she isn't interested I truly do want to be her friend.

[nightingal]

Good luck with that. You should talk to her soon before it's too late. After a certain point of time, no matter how much we miss/love a person, the feelings tend to fade away with time.

[Sunlight72]

Good luck with that. You should talk to her soon before it's too late. After a certain point of time, no matter how much we miss/love a person, the feelings tend to fade away with time.

I really agree with this.

 

There are windows of time when things are ripe. 3 times more important with romantic chances.

 

Don't think it over - be the man. Plan something fun for you two to do together and invite her. If the first thing doesn't fit her schedule, have something else to offer.

 

When you're out together, and things are going well, mention how you love her laugh (if it's true) and that you want to be closer to her. Then hold her hand for a minute or two (and keep walking/talking/being silly) and let her hand go, and within 2 or 3 minutes after that find a way to hug her and let her go, or kiss her cheek and smile at her, and then keep walking/talking/being interested in other things than her.

 

Don't focus completely on her - don't just be staring at her. Do flirt in a fun, very obvious way.

 

Somewhere in the middle of the date, tell her she is the girl you want. Don't say "I think" anything. Say "you are". Be definite. Be brief. Tell her, then shut up. Don't keep babbling.

 

Let her smile or hold your hand, or what ever, then talk about something else entirely. In a few minutes she'll tell you yes or no in clear body language or words.

 

Also - if things go well, somewhere after the middle of the date set the next date up. Have a couple options of things you'd like to do with her and say "Let's go to the farmer's market when I come down next weekend." Something very precise, and say it like it is going to happen.

 

Don't say, "would you like me to come see you?". Super vague and too unclear. You are going to come to see her, you want her to be on your arm - tell her when and what you'll do. She'll say no if it's no go.

 

I think your main problem is either not knowing yourself just what you want, or not telling her directly what you want and then acting like you want it (her).

 

Women don't want to guess if you like them, they want to know you want them in your words (no "if", "would you", "maybe we" - instead use "let's", "I want", "you are" or "we are"). They also want to know by your actions - if you like her, you are coming to see her and be with her. Do it.