Thoughts on situation with married man?

[RightThere]

Ok. We were taking yesterday about sports, school, and spirituality. A handful of texts spread throughout the day. He sent me a Christian song that goes "if I had my way, id take this from you, but God knows what he's doing, so as our hearts break god knows what he's doing" I ask who sings it, he replies. I asked how his game went earlier and he doesn't reply. Nothing again all day.

 

I change my pic to a cute guy (a not very well known celeb selfie just cause it's cute) when he comes online he changes his pic to him looking good (damn so good ?) Am I looking too far into things, or is he sending mixed signals? Blowing hot cold. I don't know if he wants to talk to me or not! He's so different in person. I know nobodies gonna give me advice to persue anything, but can someone tell me if these are mixed signals, considering how he is when around me irl.

 

Just ask him if he'll go with you to prom already.

[ShatteredLady]

I've said "I'm lost" a lot lately too. I'm sorry that you've been hurt so deeply. I know that some would hear "My last relationship nearly killed me!" as being over dramatic but when it's your heart that's been ripped-out & your mind, faith, trust, love has been shattered that's what it truly feels like.

 

I've learnt why thy call it "Heat Broken". It really feels like that! My heart hurts, physically hurts. I can't control my tears. I feel like I'm having crippling panic attacks. It's a nightmare & tragically I think it can take YEARS to wake-up. The cruelty that people inflict on eachother in the name of love is brutal.

 

In THIS situation...

 

There's something VERY IMPORTANT that you don't understand. I don't know if it's your age, life experiences, I don't know why but you lack empathy & understanding. I'm not being cruel. It's a FACT & people have tried to explain to you.

 

Print out this thread & put it in your journal to look back on in 10-20-30 years! I have faith that you will grow into a compassionate, rounded woman given time. THEN you will get-it

 

From a wife's point of view (from OUR point of view) YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR. I know you say, "If we CHEATED that's different then.". There are different forms of cheating. For many women the EMOTIONAL betrayal is the hardest thing to cope with. It's devastating!

 

If my H met a woman at the mall with his friend & tried to set his friend-up...came home, told me, we would laugh about it. If he didn't tell me I would be a little hurt. Nothing big though.

 

If I found he flirted, I'd be hurt. Linking arms AND saying "What would my wife say?" (or whatever) is crossing a line... Not the physical linked arms...the FACT he now has a secret MOMENT with you that he's keeping from me, his WIFE!

 

Touching you, stroking you, flirting THAT'S CHEATING!! Any 'normal' wife would be devastated. Arranging a secret liaison where he LIES to his wife, sneaks out & strokes you IS CHEATING!!

 

Continuing to contact you after he knows you are poison to his marriage IS CHEATING! You're at the start of this. Every message, every contact, every thought IS CHEATING!

 

PLEASE, PLEASE believe me as a WIFE he is cheating on her. It's very early days. If he told me at this point & never acknowledged your existence again we could work through it but I would be heart broken. I would remember for the REST OF MY LIFE that my H betrayed me when I was nesting & preparing for the birth of our first child (it is his first isn't it?).

 

If she discovers what's going on & she reacts like a 'normal' wife she will be broken, go into shock, devastated. There really aren't words to express what it feels like to be hit with infidelity. There is a very real possibility that that kind of shock could send her into premature labor. She could loose her baby!

 

Whatever, her life will be forever changed. I've been young, we all have. Young dating brings all kinds of heart ache, drama & pain. Honestly I find it hard to recall the names of some of the guys I went on dates with! It was truly a shock to me how different these things are once married & a mother.

 

This is PERMANENT in her life. Just as she will never forget her engagement & wedding, that wonder & anticipation of the pregnancy test, feeling her baby growing inside of her

She will NEVER FORGET that at this wonderful, beautiful, frightening time in her life he BETRAYED her!! When she should be showered with love & devotion. When she should feel safe & secure he LIED & slithered out on a rainy night to snuggle-up, stroke & flirt with a strange bit of ass! HORRIBLE!!

 

Sometimes we need to walk a preverbial mile in another's shoes to really understand. I know you can only try to understand this with empathy but PLEASE read what people are saying. You are walking a path that could scar you for life. I know you're going to roll your eyes & make the kinds of excuses you have so far but PLEASE STOP!

 

He is the monster here. Monster isn't an exageration. I hope you never live to experience what's happening to his wife. I truly do. It's cruelty I couldn't imagine until I lived it. You can make any excuses you want but the fact remains what he's doing is beyond cruel.

 

DON'T BE PART OF THIS! Please. Even if you're fantasizing walking down the isle, being step-mom, happy little 'soul mates' with shared custody of HER baby it's not going to be rainbows & roses.

You might be laughing at that statement...are you going to say "Slow down! We just met. It's just 'FUN!". That's even WORSE! You don't destroy peoples lives for fun! I don't think you're that shallow. I think you're hurt & young.

You don't UNDERSTAND the ramifications of what you're getting into.

 

NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!

 

PLEASE!

 

I don't know why I feel so emotionally invested in this. I feel like something someone says could stop you. Please let that be true. All I can do is implore you. You can change another human beings life for the better (His wife). You can save a woman such pain. You have the power. Never speak to that man again!!

[sandylee1]

Lots of posters have told you the impact this will have on his wife, but it's clear that's not your concern, so let's bring this back to YOU.

It's been flirting and a bit of touchy feely stuff so far. If his wife were to get wind of this.....she'd likely get through it and stay with him.

 

Now should this cross the very major line into an affair and his wife finds out , let's say she kicks him out and proceeds with divorce. He has to pay child support and visitation with an infant is usually minimal for divorved/seperated dads. He misses out on spending as much time with his new born as well.

 

Now all this ^^^^^would be his fault, but guess what? He'll blame YOU. He'll tell you how YOU'VE ruined his life and YOU don't come anywhere close to his wife, that he wishes he'd never set eyes on YOU, that YOU meant NOTHING to him, that YOU were just an easy lay and that even now his wife has kicked him out, he loves HER and will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get her back and he NEVER EVER wants to see you again.

 

I'm not making up that MM have said these things and much worse to the OW after dday. It's not nice to see these OW posting the heartbreak and feelings of worthlessness after such things are said. It results in more therapy, anti depressants, time off work, panic attacks and more. Now ask yourself - is any man really worth this? Your health? Your low self esteem? Those words recurring in your head of ........ 'you meant nothing to me'

 

He'll blame you because he won't face up to the fact that he's messed this up, but think how crap it'll make you feel to hear all that. In his wayward mind, he'll thinking if you never gave it up and presented yourself as desperate, then he wouldn't be in this mess.

 

Amazingly all the 'I love yous' he may have said to you, suddenly change to you becoming the devil incarnate - in his selfish immature mind, because he really only has himself to blame.

 

If nobody else loves you, YOU have to love yourself and save yourself the heartache. He isn't the last man on earth, so don't settle for somebody else's guy. By not shutting him down, he knows you are 'affair material' and are receptive to accepting the role of 'bit on the side'. He knows that when he's ready to pounce, you'll welcome him with open arms.

 

Two things you should never knowingly share are a man and underwear.

[Confusedovo]

You are both trying to start an A so hard you can't see straight. It really is sad to see.

 

What makes you say that? How is he trying to start an A so hard? he's a damn slow mover if that's the case...but really how do you mean this pls?

 

As for the other few posts tonight....wow. These actually hit me hard. I have some thinking to do. I'm scared cause in this situation my empathy is seriously lacking. Usually I feel others pain, but I can't put myself in his wife's shoes . What is wrong with me???

 

I also can't see this as an affair, and I doubt he does either. I thought the definition of cheating is between the couple, as everyone seems to have different ideas on what it is. If you search around Google, a Lot of people say the flirting/touching isn't cheating.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Confusedovo

[ladydesigner]

What makes you say that? How is he trying to start an A so hard? he's a damn slow mover if that's the case...but really how do you mean this pls?

 

As for the other few posts tonight....wow. These actually hit me hard. I have some thinking to do. I'm scared cause in this situation my empathy is seriously lacking. Usually I feel others pain, but I can't put myself in his wife's shoes . What is wrong with me???

 

I also can't see this as an affair, and I doubt he does either. I thought the definition of cheating is between the couple, as everyone seems to have different ideas on what it is. If you search around Google, a Lot of people say the flirting/touching isn't cheating.

 

If it's not cheating then it's definitely crossing some boundaries and starting down the slippery slope.

 

OP do you like how this is making you feel? How do you feel about it?

[purplesorrow]

What makes you say that? How is he trying to start an A so hard? he's a damn slow mover if that's the case...but really how do you mean this pls?

 

As for the other few posts tonight....wow. These actually hit me hard. I have some thinking to do. I'm scared cause in this situation my empathy is seriously lacking. Usually I feel others pain, but I can't put myself in his wife's shoes . What is wrong with me???

 

I also can't see this as an affair, and I doubt he does either. I thought the definition of cheating is between the couple, as everyone seems to have different ideas on what it is. If you search around Google, a Lot of people say the flirting/touching isn't cheating.

 

Of course he does that's why he's lying to his wife. If you're so sure it isn't, just ask his wife.

[eye of the storm]

Confusedovo, an A doesn't always start with sex. Just like abuse doesn't always start with a punch.

 

But you are in the beginning stages of an A. And if you continue, you will be choosing to devastate a woman who is pregnant and totally innocent in this.

[ShatteredLady]

Really try to empathize & understand this.... To his pregnant wife he is ALREADY CHEATING! Really think about it. Imagine being her & then think about everything that's happened between you & her H. How would you feel? How would you truly feel if you were heavily pregnant & your H told you he "needed to go for a walk" (on a COLD RAINING night!)... Would you be worried? What's wrong? WHY? Then you dig a little & find he's gone to meet another woman!!!!! He was snuggling-up & stroking that strange woman.

 

Can you honestly tell me that would be "No big deal"??????

[Confusedovo]

I

OP do you like how this is making you feel? How do you feel about it?[/Quote]

 

I like it when we are talking. And I love it when we are together in person. He makes me feel happy and wanted then. When we aren't talking I feel stressed, confused, and Tbh obsessed (atlough I don't let him see that) and when he Ignores a text I feel hurt. But it's like I don't want to rock the boat and scare him off. So I trying to be patient and wait for him.

 

Of course he does that's why he's lying to his wife. If you're so sure it isn't, just ask his wife.[/Quote]

 

I don't actually know that he lied to her. I mean... He told me he told her he's going for a walk. He didn't say whether he told her he's meeting me. And he said to me while we were arranging it "I just fancy a walk" so if he didnt tell her, maybe it's like he's lying to himself too? Saying he wants a walk. When we were out, he said he just wanted to get to know me and help me, and that he enjoyed getting the fresh air.

 

My point...I dunno what she knows. Surely if she doesn't know, she would ask why he wants to go out randomly in the rain??? Oh I remember.... I said "is she ok with you being out?" he said "not for long"

 

Oh and I don't know her, her name, number...no way of asking her anything if I wanted to.

[pheonixrisen]

What makes you say that? How is he trying to start an A so hard? he's a damn slow mover if that's the case...but really how do you mean this pls?.

 

What a lot of posters here don't understand is this is what she wants irrespective of who gets hurt ....and by telling her things like he is in the start of affair he is attracted to her etc..etc...its fuelling her further and energising her to push through to reach him and bring him out into the open ...to start an affair ..

The wife and child on the way ...is just in her way ...

Take a look at her above post it's reeking of desperation ...He msg ..did not msg he changed his pic what do you think ? ....may be he did not msg you back coz he and his wife were in a sex marathon....analyse that and see if even that would turn out to be about you ...

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "If you search around Google, a Lot of people say the flirting/touching isn't cheating."

 

And Bill Clinton "Did not have sexual relations with that woman"!!!!!!!

 

We can all get tied-up with the semantics of what the actual definition of a word is.

 

He arranged to meet with a woman who had made her desires very clear. He lied to his wife AND told you he lied!!! (if you're ever in her situation you will completely understand why THAT'S such a big deal. You have that little secret with her H. You know something she doesn't).

 

He spent that time touching you up!

 

As a woman can you HONESTLY say that if the man you love, the man you have made life plans with, the man you have exchanged vows with "Forsaking all others", the man you trust, the FATHER of your child, was flirting, touching, secretly meeting another woman you wouldn't call it "CHEATING"?

 

HONESTLY?

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "I don't actually know that he lied to her. I mean... He told me he told her he's going for a walk. He didn't say whether he told her he's meeting me. And he said to me while we were arranging it "I just fancy a walk" so if he didnt tell her, maybe it's like he's lying to himself too? Saying he wants a walk. When we were out, he said he just wanted to get to know me and help me, and that he enjoyed getting the fresh air."

 

I thought you said that originally he wanted to come into your home? You weren't comfortable with that. Why? You never said why you wanted to meet him 'in public'. Do you live with someone? Parents? Someone who wouldn't approve?

 

Don't fall into the trap of re-writing history already!!! He didn't "Fancy a walk!!!"

[ShatteredLady]

And.... Why does he want to "Help you"??? What have you told him you need help with? Does he know you're hurt & damaged from a previous relationship?

 

Why does he think you NEED him to HELP you?

[Confusedovo]

Phienixrisen: While I understand why yiu might dislike me, please don't be too harsh on me. I'm actually trying here. I'm trying to get out of my own head, to not be selfish.

 

He spent that time touching you up!

 

He said he was rubbing my back to calm me down. Atlough Tbh I was calm. A lil upset, but I wasn't crying or anything. More just gloomy.

 

I thought you said that originally he wanted to come into your home? [/Quote]

 

Yeah he did Tbh. He asked to come around. I said he can't come here, he asked why and I explained. I live in shared house and they aren't comfortable having other people round. It's a weird set up atm.

[Confusedovo]

And.... Why does he want to "Help you"??? What have you told him you need help with? Does he know you're hurt & damaged from a previous relationship?

 

Why does he think you NEED him to HELP you?

 

Well...I dunno. I thought it was cause he knew I was disappointed that hes married. Then he started asking me about my family/background/last relationship. I find it difficult talking about that stuff. But I made a few comments about my life not having been easy. That I have zero contact With my "dad" and limited with mum.

 

He then asked about previous relationships, o brushed on that ot wasn't good. Never even used the word abuse. And I swear I told him I don't need help. Cause I felt a bit silly and awkward.he said "everyone needs help" I wasn't comfortable going into details. Then he told me some stuff like his parents not being alive, he used to be in the military.

 

He's a Pisces. They love hepping people, I just feel like he sense things too.

[qubist]

confusedovo: you will find out one day ( hopefully sooner) the reason why he is approaching you. trust me it's in men's DNA. you will also realize ( hopefully sooner) that the best thing you should do is to never talk to this guy and stay away from him.

have you heard of the saying that men are pigs? well in a way we are, we all like the attention from women and enjoy their interest which you had showed him plenty. he wants that from you, if you don't stop it, it will escalate one day to PA, I'm surprise it hasn't happen yet. let me warn you MM never want to leave their wives for their flints, you will be tagged in his unconscious mind as a side sex partner and never respect you. you will end up most likely hurt and in the process destroying his life and also affecting his wife's and baby's lives.

I hope you can realize ( hopefully sooner)that he is not the only man on planet earth. find someone who would give you his 100%

[TunaCat]

Have you ever been so attracted to someone, so much chemistry that you find yourself giving them little touches and just feel out of control? That's how it is for me.

 

Nope, and you wanna know why? Because I have something called self control.

 

I was insanely attracted to my English professor a few years back, I knew he was married and that his wife was expecting. I knew I would never want to get in the middle of anything, so I didn't flirt or touch him at all.

 

You know why? Because I respected the fact that he was married & about to be a father. And I respected myself too much to get into this situation.

 

OP, you need to get some self respect and walk away from this man.

[sandylee1]

confusedovo: you will find out one day ( hopefully sooner) the reason why he is approaching you. trust me it's in men's DNA.

 

I hope you can realize ( hopefully sooner)that he is not the only man on planet earth. find someone who would give you his 100%

 

I've not yet met a man who rubbed my back and didn't want to take it further and those are the single men before I got married.

 

I'm not sure why you are acting so desperate. Is there a reason you can't attract a single man apart from the MMs friend?

 

You met these guys in the street /the mall and went back to one of their homes without a second thought for your safety........you should think really seriously about your reasoning and judgement.

 

I'm also wondering why your post is on this board and not the OW/OM board, as you are not the cheating spouse. You are the OW and you'd hear a lot more from those in a similar situation or who have been in a similar situation to you.

 

If we turn the focus back to YOU, because you've posted and forget the wife for now, as that's rarely a concern for the OW, apart from her being an obstacle on getting the MM - The OW board will give you more views and real life experiences of what its like going down the slippery slope to affairland .

 

Right now, if he clicks his fingers, you'll run.

If he says jump, you'll ask how high.

 

When you are so desperate, he'll use you for his own pleasure and all he has to say is " my wife never does this for me " and in order to please him and be 'better ' than her, you'll do whatever he wants to get in and stay in the affair. It's called manipulation, but you'll be so deep and caught up you won't see it.

 

Then as you become attached or fall in love with the MM comes the typical dislike/hatred for the wife, who doesn't 'satisfy his needs' and he's 'so neglected' that he 'needs you' to make the marriage bearable.........this won't end well and I don't need to be mystic Meg to see that.

[Lurkeraspect]

I think if this skeevy MM was 100% available, you wouldn't want him. You want what can never be yours. You want (in some twisted way) to prove your worth, which I'm guessing you feel is pretty low. And this dude is going to validate that for you in the days and months to come.

 

He will have you in bed soon, and then you'll catch feelings for him, and be back here (on the OW side of the house) moaning about how he led you on, about how horrible his wife treats him, how he really wants to divorce his wife, but can't because he has a newborn baby. He'll use you and spit you out when he's finished. Can you imagine what that's going to do to your already low self worth?

 

You can still stop this, it's not too late for you, and I truly hope you will. Therapy (not an affair) is what you need.

 

Good luck.

[zinger]

 

As a woman can you HONESTLY say that if the man you love, the man you have made life plans with, the man you have exchanged vows with "Forsaking all others", the man you trust, the FATHER of your child, was flirting, touching, secretly meeting another woman you wouldn't call it "CHEATING"?

 

HONESTLY?

 

I wish I had this printed some weeks ago.

[sweet_pea]

Phienixrisen: While I understand why yiu might dislike me, please don't be too harsh on me. I'm actually trying here. I'm trying to get out of my own head, to not be selfish.

 

 

 

He said he was rubbing my back to calm me down. Atlough Tbh I was calm. A lil upset, but I wasn't crying or anything. More just gloomy.

 

 

 

Yeah he did Tbh. He asked to come around. I said he can't come here, he asked why and I explained. I live in shared house and they aren't comfortable having other people round. It's a weird set up atm.

 

Can I ask how you're trying? What steps are you taking? No offense, but it doesn't really look like you are all that much.

[Sandy43]

The bottom line is he is married, leave him alone and find someone who is single.

[pheonixrisen]

Phienixrisen: While I understand why yiu might dislike me, please don't be too harsh on me. I'm actually trying here. I'm trying to get out of my own head, to not be selfish.

 

 

 

He said he was rubbing my back to calm me down. Atlough Tbh I was calm. A lil upset, but I wasn't crying or anything. More just gloomy.

 

 

 

Yeah he did Tbh. He asked to come around. I said he can't come here, he asked why and I explained. I live in shared house and they aren't comfortable having other people round. It's a weird set up atm.

 

I don't know you ...so I don't dislike you !

 

I understand someone may become like an addiction .....but at some point you need to take a step back and evaluate ...this is a married guy ? What I want to happen here ...sex? Love affair?

He leave his wife? What exactly ?...you keep asking how is this an affair ...This is not an affair yet ...its inappropriate behaviour leading to an affair ... (for a lot of married people inappropriate behaviour like this would already be considered cheating)...you may be okay with cheating ...and okay carry on with him in that's what suits you ....but before you start find a way to let the wife know ...give her a choice to decide if she wants to be a part of this dynamic ...

 

From my own personal affair situation ..I am sure my ow went through the process you are currently going through disregarded what was not in her favour ...and an affair was started ...I blame my h a 100 % for his affair ...but the ow is equally responsible for having a relationship with my h knowing he was committed ...so any pain and abandonment she suffered she bought on her self ...she also really believed her affair was unique ..They were going to end up in marriage ...she did not even think to check some very imp red flags ...just his took his words and ran with it ..she even inked herself with his name ....While she suffered everyday with thoughts when he was going to get a divorce ...I was just living my life no clue my h was in an affair ...till one day I accidentally found out the affair stopped when I found out ...she was discarded like she was nothing just a burden to his marriage ...so its not only me it's her too who suffered immensely after dday I can only imagine the pain to loose the love of your life or at least that's what she believed ...but the difference is she knew all through the affair ..I did not ...if before starting my h or she had taken the time to let me in on it ....I definitely without a question saved her the pain and suffering and in process I would not have been deceived by my h for the entire time ...and even though she did not offer me the basic courtesy or any kind of empathy as a woman when getting in to the affair ....I still could have saved her from a lot of pain and suffering and abandonment ....if only I knew when it was starting ....when I did ..I told my h he is welcome to her ...He fought to stay....

Edited September 26, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[AlwaysGrowing]

What I find the most curious about your posts is....if you do not feel that your "story" is based on infidelity.....why would you make this thread in the infidelity section?

 

If I recall correctly...you used the term slippery slope. Which is odd for an AP/potential AP to use. They generally don't view the affair relationship as a slippery slope....especially when it is in its infancy. They generally view the whole relationship as a love story...destiny...soulmates...mostly to block out any negative views/thoughts of the relationship being an affair.

 

It would be rare indeed for one to google about affairs/flirting just as one is entering or contemplating entering a relationship with a married person. Most don't view the potential relationship as an affair....just really good friends. There is a lead up of months, years even to crossing lines into an intimate relationship.

 

Curious indeed...how after just a few days....one gets so entangled into a married persons life..,that one has no control over their own emotions...seeks advice..,disregards/gets defensive about those who advise caution.

 

Something seems off....

[66Charger]

Nothing is off.

 

She knows. She knows its wrong. Thats why she is here. It is the eternal battle between head and heart. When he is with her its the heart. When he is with his wife, loving her, she post here. She is a lost child, standing in the middle of the tracks and the train is going to run her over. Can you not see your wreckage OP. See yourself battered flat on the ground wondering what the hell happened. You are so desperate to not see the train. You dont want another bad guy. Another abuse. You are at the ledge and lets be honest, deep inside you know its dirt. Its just such a thrill.

 

To jump out of a airplane is such a thrill.

 

To not have a parachute is your reality.

 

Hopefully, good people here can talk you into not jumping.