Thoughts on situation with married man?

[Confusedovo]

She wants to put it on him so that when she sleeps with him and his pregnant wife is devastated she can deceive herself into thinking it was all his fault

 

Really. You seriously think that? That's some strange and scary thinking, and it's never crossed my mind. You make it sound like I hate him. Goes to show you can't judge everyone by your own experiences.

 

No. If he tells me to F off, I will then know for a fact I mean nothing to him and I'll have No CHOICE to move on anyway. Hes not telling me anything straight, one way or the other.

 

You seem to think, autumnnight, that I'm this sex crazed cold hearted bish.

[Confusedovo]

A couple of things just came into my head.

 

I'm more suspicious about his 2 phones thing. At first I thought one might be for work...whatever. But he's hardly on there. When I send him a text, it usually just has 1 tick. Which would suggest either it's off or bad connection. If it is switced off, I'm wondering why (I never call him or text him at stupid hours or multiple or anything like that) it's like he pops on there when he gets the time. Then I read someone say in here that's probably his "cheating phone " (or they implied it) is that really a thing? Is it likely he could be planning the whole thing?

 

Also when we met up that evening last week, he was like "was it good to see me tonight?" like why ask that? that is fishing for an ego boost right.

 

And the same evening, when we were kind of cuddled up /touching my back, he said "you're breathing heavy" like why bring attention to that?

 

Also he said "I wanted to see how bad you are, I think you're pretty bad" I think he meant I was down and had a a cold, but now I'm wondering if he meant it sexual? Then again if he meant it sexual, why not at least kiss me. So I'm thinking more towards he meant that innocently.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Confusedovo

[turnera]

Really. You seriously think that? That's some strange and scary thinking, and it's never crossed my mind. You make it sound like I hate him. Goes to show you can't judge everyone by your own experiences.

 

No. If he tells me to F off, I will then know for a fact I mean nothing to him and I'll have No CHOICE to move on anyway. Hes not telling me anything straight, one way or the other.

 

You seem to think, autumnnight, that I'm this sex crazed cold hearted bish.

No, we don't. We think you're an immature, inexperienced, gullible young woman who just wants to believe anything a man tells her so she can 'find love.'

 

But think about it. A man is married. He's obviously screwing his wife - she's pregnant. He's not LEAVING his wife. Yet he wants to contact you.

 

Ask yourself why.

 

He's not telling you anything because you are a notch on his belt. IT'S WHAT HE DOES.

 

You can sit in your tower and braid your hair and wait for him to come rescue you, Confused, but the only thing that's going to happen is he's going to continue to play these games until he convinces you to spread your legs for him - unless YOU take charge of your own life and stop saying silly things like 'if he'd just let me go...' like some scene out of Twilight.

 

Does your mom know you're doing this?

[sandylee1]

Why won't he just tell me to go away? To leave me alone? That'd make this so much easier.

 

Because it's nice to have a single young lady who he knows is interested in him to be around and available. It makes him feel good that he's married and still has it.

 

It's like we all like receiving complements - makes you feel good. It's nice to be liked and he knows you like him. He doesn't want to come across as pushy and he's testing whether him being married is enough to put you off. I'd say the message he's getting from you, is that it's not a problem.

 

So when he doesn't reply to your texts, he's letting you know what the contact would be like in a relationship with him. That you have to manage your expectations and not get an immediate response. Even if he was single, he could end up being a rubbish BF, who doesn't reply your messages on time, but he has the perfect excuse to not respond to you.

 

You need to keep on your search for an available man.

[turnera]

that's probably his "cheating phone " (or they implied it) is that really a thing? Is it likely he could be planning the whole thing?

Of course it's a thing. You are being naive.

 

"was it good to see me tonight?"

"you're breathing heavy"

"I wanted to see how bad you are, I think you're pretty bad" I think he meant I was down and had a a cold, but now I'm wondering if he meant it sexual? Then again if he meant it sexual, why not at least kiss me. So I'm thinking more towards he meant that innocently.

Confused, come on!

 

He is doing this to SOMEONE WHO IS NOT HIS WIFE.

 

What the hell do you THINK he's doing?

 

He is seducing you! His quotes...all straight out of The Cheater's Handbook. Hell, those are things I watched teenage boys teach each other back in high school to get in a girl's pants.

 

You can't really be this naive.

[Confusedovo]

How can a wife not know he has 2 phones? I don't mean it bad, or blaming wives at all. I'm just wondering how you can be married, spend every day witj your partner and hide a phone?

[SoulCat]

How can a wife not know he has 2 phones? I don't mean it bad, or blaming wives at all. I'm just wondering how you can be married, spend every day witj your partner and hide a phone?

 

 

Ever heard of a pre-paid phone? Also commonly known as a 'burner phone'.

No bills, no trace.

[eye of the storm]

You are spending so much time on him. What he said, what he thinks, what he wants.

 

You are wasting time, energy, and resources analyzing all his thoughts, actions, and feelings.

 

You need to focus on you. Why you are so determined to waste valuable space in your life on someone like this?

 

I have found when I am very busy, I don't have time to obsess over non essential items. Get a second job or an intense hobby. It will help.

[turnera]

This is from a website that teaches people how to cheat:

One of the most difficult aspects of maintaining an affair is communication. Even if you aren't currently suspected, there is always the threat that if things do come to light, you will be asked to reveal cell phone records that will show the when's and where's of every call and text message.

 

That wouldn't be helpful.

 

I have mentioned in other areas of the forum that getting a prepaid mobile phone just for communication with your partner is a good idea. These keep no records, mail nothing home, and if you are on the same provider, can cost about $1/day (for Verizon Wireless...that's what I used so I can't comment on the other provider's rates; maybe other's can post below) for unlimited calls between you. That is cheap insurance against recordkeeping! Just be very careful where you hide it, and have an explanation at the ready if it were ever to be found.

 

Examples of that are to put a fake name on the wallpaper screen and have it in the car, off, with logs always empty. If it is ever found, it could be that colleague who had lost their phone a while ago. You know, like "where did you find that? Jack has been looking everywhere for that!" Of course...it fell out when you went to lunch that day.

 

If you have a SMARTPHONE, there are a few good apps that allow for calls and texts using your data plan rather than the cellular provider. These keep no specific records of the calls on your bill, and just show up as MB usage. This is an excellent way to make calls, but there are a few considerations regarding the phonebooks the apps keep, so be careful and do your testing first. Understand how the apps work, and keep your friend to a schedule of when it is okay to call using it.

 

(With the prepaid phone, the calling hours aren't as important, since the phone can be off when it's not safe.)

Edited September 29, 2015 by turnera

[Southern Sun]

LS friends - might as well quit hammering her on the poor, pregnant wife thing. She doesn't care. This really isn't part of the equation.

 

OP - you have opened the door to Pandora's box and we are watching you feed an addiction. Period. You either squash it, or it will grow. It only has those two possible directions.

 

You want to entertain it; that's obvious. We can only tell you what will happen based upon our experience. It doesn't really matter what the man's motivations or intentions are, why he has a burner phone, what his wife knows or does not, why he does or does not text you. What matters is he is unavailable, he is married, and he is playing with your feelings anyway. This is a bad situation that will only get worse if it continues. You are already in over your head. You are obsessive and anxiety-ridden. Is any of this good? No. You like the rush they are giving you right now, it is plain for us all to see. But if you continue on this path, there is only one outcome.

 

You will reap what you sow.

 

BUT - you still have the chance to stop it. I hope you get out before you are really hurt.

[eye of the storm]

Confusedovo, my MM lived with me during the week for 2 years. We went on vacations together. 5+ years and she had no clue.

 

How does she not know? She trusts him. Like your MM's wife trusts him. And they are all lied to.

 

My exH cheated on me for years with my best fried and a few others. I had no clue. I trusted him. All the red flags were easy to ignore because I never imagined he would do that to me.

 

He lies to you too. Are you going to accept it?

[Confusedovo]

Wow....I guess theres a chance that what's happening with the phones.

 

But IF he is a cheater, why even marry her and have her baby? Can you really love someone and do that to them? I know love is complicated, and I can even understand maybe getting feelings for someone else, still loving your partner. But I cant understand if it's just sex.

 

Turnera, while you're not wrong, this is my weird way I kinda process things. I think I've been told my way of thinking /being is wrong so much, I question my own thoughts and believes and everything really. I'm not sure that makes sense to.anyone else...

 

So sad there's whole websites helping people cheat (I really mean that)

Edited September 29, 2015 by Confusedovo

[SoulCat]

 

But IF he is a cheater, why even marry her and have her baby?

 

 

Why not? He's got someone desperate like you willing to wait on the sidelines while he has a lovely family to come home to each night.

 

 

It's called having his cake and eating it.

[turnera]

We're just asking you to try to be logical.

 

A man is married. He's having a baby. But he emails YOU.

 

You don't see that is cheating?

 

What IS cheating to you?

 

My ex-fiance cheated on me for 3 years with his old girlfriend. The only reason I found out is that he took her on a trip in MY car, and wrecked the car. So I found out she was with him.

 

Why marry her? Because many many men INTEND to marry ONE woman to be his cook/sex/clean/family/everything, while he looks for MORE on the side. Like I keep telling you. I can name ten men I know right now who do this. TEN. Out of maybe 25 men I know. MEN WANT SEX. You - and all the other girls he's cheating with - are just a way to GET MORE SEX. If you can't understand that, then God help you.

 

And like I asked, does your mom know you're doing this?

[Confusedovo]

No I can't understand it. How can he love her if that's what he's doing...all for sex?

 

I don't speak to my mom much about personal things. I don't have much contact with her anyway. And every man she's been with has been abusive or emotionally unavailable In some way. So there's that too...seems like I'm following in her footsteps.

[SoulCat]

No I can't understand it. How can he love her if that's what he's doing...all for sex?

 

 

It's called compartmentalizing. He keeps his wife, baby and homelife separate from you.

It's quite common for men who have affairs to to this. Google it, do some research.

 

 

And every man she's been with has been abusive or emotionally unavailable In some way. So there's that too...seems like I'm following in her footsteps.

 

 

That's just a lame @ss excuse Confused. We are NOT our parents, we follow our own path.

Your mother's choices aren't yours' by default as well, just because you're her daughter. Own your cr@p.

[Confusedovo]

That's just a lame @ss excuse Confused. We are NOT our parents, we follow our own path.

Your mother's choices aren't yours' by default as well, just because you're her daughter. Own your cr@p.

 

No not an excuse. You're right that we make our own choices. BUT having unstable parents, not seeing them in healthy relationships, them being

being Who i was meant to learn from, abuse and abandonment etc. Does effect you deeply. And it does effect some of your choices. However that's not an excuse to do whatever I want, or to give up. I know this, but I have to LEARN and RELEARN some things that others just knew . I've been told by a professional I have a degree of being emotionally stunted due to trauma. Again I'm not making excuses, but some of this sht plays a part. I wouldn't have even mentioned it if I hadn't been asked.

 

I'm quite close to my sister, but honestly she would kill me for this.

[Lion Heart]

Hi confused

 

GIRL!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

 

I tell you now all that "instant attraction" and whatever else Fairy Tale talk you want to put on this should have instantly been BLOCKED BY YOU THE MOMENT YOU FOUND OUT HE'S MARRIED for heaven's sake! Walk away...done!

 

THIS IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE YOU are writing for YOUR REAL life!

 

Whilst reading your thread starter my first reaction to "I was outside a mall.....went into the mall with 2 strangers who are men (!!!!) ...... went BACK TO THEIR HOUSE (#@$$!!!!).....got their phone numbers" ? ???

 

I actually wanted to ask if you're a prostitute???

 

IF NOT (and I'm assuming you're not) then why BEHAVE like one?? BTW I have no moral opinion about prostitutes, I feel sad for them tbh.

 

You sound extremely naive and I thought I was!

 

One sad fact about SOME people married or otherwise is that they treat others like UNPAID prostitutes.

At least prostitutes get paid.

 

I've tried to put myself in your shoes and my life experiences tell me (and I've certainly employed these strategies many times) IT ALL WOULD HAVE STOPPED AT I'M MARRIED.

 

After THAT you kept on so now you're not an innocent party in the matter at all (as I know alot of OW/OM are lied to constantly) HE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH somewhat AND YOU still went there?

 

Now speaking from my recent experiences post D Day. My WH OWs may never be employed again (not that they work anyway!). The OWs actually didn't know that I have SO MANY friends and relatives that LIVE IN THEIR STREETS AND TEACH THEIR CHILDREN. No nothing illegal. Absolutely NOT harming children as their behaviours obviously have.

EVERYTHING LEGAL to have the truth about their behaviours known and I'm holding my friends back from destroying their lives. I blame my WH but they were not innocent to the facts at all.

My WH was sacked because OW scorned went to the police and tried to have him charged. Then she went to his workplace and within 1 hour 100s of employees and companies black banned him to ever work for any of them. I THANKED the company BECAUSE this is immoral behaviour that should not be tolerated by people you are PAYING to work.

 

And you think that none of this could happen to you? Neither did WH nor his whole family. How stupid.

 

NOW if I get sacked because of WH and his OWs? I WAS INNOCENT. Then I'm suing ALL OF THEM including every OW who knowingly took part in this that destroyed my esteemed career. I have all the OWs names and addresses. I have the resources. I have absolutely got the resolve and will be well off where they could barely work.

 

So fast forward and read the possible outcomes. Read about the LS Member who's WH broke into her house and shot a friend of hers then himself in the head. The AFFAIR didn't do that - that was mere FUN. The embarrassment and despair in reaction to the affair resulted in that outcome. There's nothing pretty and fairy tale about cleaning up blood of someone you loved and trusted.

 

Yes I'm being strong in my words to you but I'm shaking! Not with anger but with a desperate wake up call message.

 

You are worth far more than this to the RIGHT man. And he will not be married.

 

If you want tips about how to stop it do this:

Tell MM it's done. If he contacts you in any way, you'll phone his wife and mail all your correspondence to her.

Get off any apps he contacted you thru.

change your phone number.

I hope he doesn't know where you live.

 

People who think they're in control of the situation can go CRAZY when they realize they're not any more. Protect yourself.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart

 

Yes I realise I sound like a h**. But let me just say, I would not usually act like this. Have you ever been so attracted to someone, so much chemistry that you find yourself giving them little touches and just feel out of control? That's how it is for me. I'm so sooo disappointed hes married.

 

But if he wanted to get laid, wouldn't he have at least kissed me then? Why would he say he made his choice? Oh and I forgot to say he told me he loves her. I'm pretty sure he knows it'd be hard for me to turn him down. So why not just make a move on me if that's the case?

 

If I was her I would feel cheated, even though he's not actually cheated. But I'm not her and I don't know how their relationship is set up. Maybe she'd be OK with it, maybe she knows.

 

Why is he different with me through text? Like he will say "thanks" when I compliment him.

[turnera]

No I can't understand it. How can he love her if that's what he's doing...all for sex?

Because men are pigs. Haven't you ever heard that? There's a reason it's a common saying. Men think with their little brain (you know, the one in their pants?).

 

MEN WANT SEX.

 

Sex drives what men do. Men do a LOT of things JUST TO GET MORE SEX.

[turnera]

I'm quite close to my sister, but honestly she would kill me for this.

Well, GEE, Confused, then what does that TELL you?!!!!!!!

 

YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG. I don't think you're dumb. I think you just want a SugarDaddy and you're trying to get someone to tell you it's ok.

[66Charger]

Because men are pigs. Haven't you ever heard that? There's a reason it's a common saying. Men think with their little brain (you know, the one in their pants?).

 

MEN WANT SEX.

 

Sex drives what men do. Men do a LOT of things JUST TO GET MORE SEX.

 

This is absolute ignorance. Its like saying men (stipulating ALL men or even MOST men) are this way. There is no need to slam a entire gender for your bad choices

[turnera]

66 come on, I'm trying to make a point to a purposefully naive girl. You should know I'm not saying all men are worthless. I'm trying to get her to acknowledge that she is a booty call to him so she can do the right thing and end this.

 

I am curious, though. What bad choices did I make?

[66Charger]

Sorry Turnera, as you generalised so did I.

 

So instead, May I add to your post that all Men who think the OPs MM way are pigs.

 

And especially if they have a PREGNANT wife at home. To stay on point, I really dont understand you confused. She is pregnant. Do you not understand that?

 

I would think for a woman, that would be a huge boundary.

[66Charger]

What's not so funny is how a man who could have a pregnant wife, fiancé or NEWBORN could justify their EA, and completely hornswoggle a woman.

 

I can understand why one would think this way, especially reading LS. So many appear like the MM to the unsuspecting. These Men appear SAINTLY, but they have no HONOR.

 

One thing that is true, OP, and it has been proven here, You will be dropped and mercilessly bashed and thrown under the bus, as he "reconciles" with his wife or soon to be wife.

 

These are the men without honor (pigs)that Turnera describes. You just have to spot them and call them out before it gets started and tell them, no thank you, go take care of your child/wife/etc.

 

You came here before it got too deep. Listen to these people and read. You will turn from this

[Morro72]

No I can't understand it. How can he love her if that's what he's doing...all for sex?

OK, so you've finally figured the guy out. He's the sort of person who doesn't love the wife he got pregnant and will use another woman for sex. Now what you need to figure out is why you can even stand to be in the same room as him.

I don't speak to my mom much about personal things. I don't have much contact with her anyway. And every man she's been with has been abusive or emotionally unavailable In some way. So there's that too...seems like I'm following in her footsteps.

Finally - insight!

 

Perhaps this guy will get you pregnant and you can have a daughter of your own. And in a couple of decades she can go off and find her own MM with his own pregnant wife and start to get a little insight into her own life. Of course you won't know about it because she won't have much contact with you anyway.

 

Seriously, is the future you want for yourself? For your kids?