Leave or settle?

[loveislost]

Hi... I really could use some help. I've reveiwed previous posts and find many people to offer varying perspectives and share similar stories and experiences to help ease pain and point them in a new direction. That's what I need right now - even if it's to reinforce my own thoughts and feelings - or to give me a swift kick in the butt. So... here's my story... warning - it's long...

 

I'm 35 and have been with my husband for over 14 years (married for 4) - no kids. We actually went to the same highschool (he's one year younger) and I had a crush on him back then too (like I did with alot of other guys back then) - he was one of the more popular guys. We knew each other through friends and sports but that's all - he was always dating the prettiest girls in school. Anyways, we bumped into each other at a local pub several years after highschool and starting chatting. I couldn't even believe he was talking to me. My friends who saw me talking to him were trying to convince me that he looked like he was really into me. Of course, I said no way. Yes, I guess I had some self-esteem problems then. But when you've seen the girls that he's dated, you'd understand.

 

Anyways, he and his friends started to hang out with me and my girlfriends and the rest is history. We've been together ever since - through exciting highs and low lows, i.e. supporting each other financially through university and different entrepreneurial ventures. Yes, we both have an entrepreneurial spirit but since I would like to have some financial stability in a relationship, I decided it was best that I work in the corporate world and he continue with his ventures for better or for worse.

 

We have been very very happy. I know this because I have taken the time to reflect and try and remember how I used to feel in hopes that I could feel the same way again. Even picturing his face and his smile used to involuntarily make me smile and giggle like I was 13. We even have a way of reconciling when we have disagreements by making up a silly word so that when one of us would say it, we would realize how insignificant this disagreement was and giggle it away. I thought we were perfect - so much so that we wished we could bottle up our love and share it with the world. We were so in love with each other and hoped that everyone could feel the same way.

 

But now I feel empty and find myself wanting more out of life. I'm thinking that what I used to cherish about our relationship is actually the cause of my feeling empty. I have always cherished that we are two independent and unique individuals who had the freedom to do the things they love (even if apart) yet able to come back home to spend quality time together. Plus, we would talk about shared goals/dreams and work towards them, i.e. buying a home, investment property, travel, kids etc. He's very loving, affectionate, intelligent, generous, caring, and together, we work very hard to provide an ideal life for the both of us. Sounds perfect, right? Am I crazy for even thinking of leaving him for something or someone that may not exist?

 

Here's more background info that may be relevant...

 

I didn't start dating until after highschool but once I started (only 5 including my husband) I hadn't really had much time in between boyfriends. In a way, I have never really been alone since I was 19.

 

He had a one month affair about 3 years before we got married. He says it was because he was unhappy and that he didn't feel connected anymore. I had no idea he was feeling unhappy and wouldn't have even known about it until someone told me. I was blind-sided. It was a horrible experience as I was in the midst of trying to find us a place to rent. But we talked over the phone (he was still 'out of town' and worked things out - but I guess I have forgiven him but never will never forget. I even tried to go out with my girlfriends and get even (if you know what I mean) - but I couldn't do it.

 

We keep different hours. He's a night owl and I'm not but I often stay up as late as 2am and still get up at 7am for work/run. But he will stay up until 5-6am and get up anywhere between 2-4pm. He's tried to change his hours many times but it falls back into the same routine. so I'm pretty much left alone for most of the day (we both work from home) and for the better part of the weekend.

 

I am a very active person and enjoy being in the moment. I get my most euphoric highs when I'm windsurfing or dancing. He has no interest in windsurfing (he's only come out to watch me once in 4 years - after I guilted him into coming) and he can't dance. I know this may sound petty but wouldn't it be great if your special someone was passionate about the same things that made you crazy. It's electrifying - and it makes the other person irresistable. He prefers movies and reading - but he does enjoy wakeboarding as much as I do.

 

We have different taste in music. I like almost anything you can dance to - techno, hip hop, the more bass the better. He prefers hard rock.

 

He likes to party and drink more than I do. Which isn't really a big deal. But sometimes I think he would be happier with someone who went with him at least half the time.

 

I recently went on vacation with my bestfriend and had the best time of our lives. It gave me a sense of peace and freedom that I so needed. We also met people who were living their dream lives, less materialistic and more for the soul. And... I met people who loved the ocean and could dance. Yes... this encounter has certainly opened my eyes to possibilities of what I may be missing out on.

 

So now I'm wondering... Did I marry too soon? Did I marry out of lust and fascination over a highschool crush? Is it too much to ask out of one person? I mean if I want all these things, isn't there someone out there who wants it too? Someone more compatible for me? I am a confident person who can support myself so I don't really need someone to take care of me (but I certainly wouldn't say no either). What I'm missing is someone to share life's finer moments with. I'm not saying I want an exact duplicate but someone who enjoys the journey of life rather than solely focussed on the end. And we've had this talk many times and nothing's changed - then more time passes unchecked.

 

I just don't think I love him like I used to. I never miss him when I'm away on business or vacation. He's a good man but I think it would be best for both us if I leave before we have kids or buy a house (which is our next step). I think that these plans are also triggering my self-evaluation.

 

He deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves me. I'll always care about him and want him to be happy - but not at my expense I guess. All I ask is more compatibility and less compromise.

 

I'm feeling so sad and overwhelmed right now. I would love your thoughts - for better or for worse.

 

~ Thanks

[Mz. Pixie]

First of all- have you tried talking to him about this????

 

I suggest you sit down and discuss how you feel. Ask if he would attend marriage counseling, then get there.

 

You guys are living separate lives. If he made some changes do you think you could ever feel the way about him that you used to??

 

Has he changed over the years or have you??? Is it a case of one person growing and the other not growing??

 

Did you meet someone more exciting on vacation?? You said you met exciting people but usually someone considering something like this- well, there is usually someone else involved.

[loveislost]

Yes, we have talked about this many times - most recently when I returned from vacation. I even spent 4 days apart to figure things out. He said that he would change by trying to surprise me with day trips to go hiking or camping - but he's said that before and nothing happened. I want to see if anything will change this time. You should also know that our friends invite us out to camping every summer and as much as I want to go, he always finds some excuse not to - and I'm not one to make him or anyone do anything they don't want to do - I seem to succumb to wishes everytime.

 

Marriage counselling? We've mentioned it in the past - not this time yet. I have a feeling he'll do it for me but he's not one for authority figures so I don't know how much of an impact it'll have.

 

It's not that one of us has changed really. It's more that I've rediscovered what's really in my soul. You see, before we got married, I used to windsurf almost everyday - it's the ultimate sensation of freedom. Then I stopped the summer we got married. I've begun again - plus, I've taken up 3 new sports which keeps me busy almost every evening and weekends. He likes sports too, i.e. he was one of the best rugby players in highschool, watches NHL (as do I), goes boxing once in awhile (I may check that out too). I take an interest in his sports but he doesn't seem to take interest in mine. For example, coming back from windsurfing for the first time in 4 years, it took him half an hour before he even asked how it was - and he knew how excited I was about going - then he interrupts me because he just remembered something and he didn't want to forget.

 

I don't want someone to do something for me. I want someone to do somethings with. When it's not from the heart, it makes me sad because it's just more evidence that we're not compatible. I know that he knows I'm sad even after our talk. I'm just waiting for something - more evidence? When I say more evidence, it's because it will give me peace of mind that I'm not acting irrational or being too emotional - and I'm hoping he'll come to the same conclusion too.

 

I should add too that I feel that I have given alot to him too in terms of financial and emotional support. However, I don't think he sees it that way. He even said that I should be prepared for him to give me some "things to do list". Normally, I don't mind but I feel that I've given so much and that I'm not asking much in return.

 

My bestfriend agrees that I have done lots of 'giving' but thinks I should hang in there - she says I'm perfect for him because she can't think of anyone else who would put up with his antics - that;s gotta be love, she says. By antics, I mean being loud and obnoxious at parties, staying out late at night and not coming home, and going to strip bars and not telling me (I end up hearing about it some time later, if ever).

 

Plus, he never wants to meet new friends whereas I do. He's so focussed on money and material things. Not saying that money is bad but it's not all there is. Plus, I can take care of myself. Furthermore, my brother (who knows me very well) thinks I could do better and find someone more compatible. He knows where I'm coming from because he's a die-hard outdoor enthusiast too.

 

Yes, I did meet someone while on vacation - but nothing happened - despite the connection and chemistry we both felt whether it was dancing or talking. This isn't about him in particular (as we are not in contact although he is a kiteboarding instructor *sigh*) as it is more about opening my eyes to who or what I may be missing. Sure I may be fooling myself. I don't know.

 

Thanks Mz. Pixie

[Mz. Pixie]

You guys have alot of issues here, not only your hobbies.

 

I left my husband because he spent most of his time indulging in his "hobbies". I think it was an excuse not to spend time with me. Perhaps that is the excuse you're using as well?

 

You guys need marriage counseling bad.

[cali lady]

just out of curiosity, why did you wait 10 years to get married? when you got married were you totally confident that he was "the one" and that you were doing the right thing? i'm always interested in that.

in response to what you're asking, i'm sure i'm not the best person to answer you because i've never been married myself, but i have read a lot of posts on this forum. the consensus i get is that basically marriage is tough, and no body is perfect, no one is going to be your everything, and if you love someone you just have to put the effort in to make it work. if you left your husband to find someone else that other person might have what your husband lacks but they would have a whole other batch of problems of their own. it sounds like you and your husbands relationship has a lot of great qualities, and you havent even tried counseling yet, i would think it would be worth the effort to try counseling and put the effort into communicating your problems effectively before calling it quits. Your husband might surprise you. it's amazing how much an impartial, knowledgable 3rd party can do to help.

there was an almost inspirational post here before by a member named i think lady jane who talked about marriages and the myth of finding the perfect mate and what it takes to make marriages work, but i couldnt find it when i looked briefly. maybe someone else here knows what i'm talking about and can refer you to it. but basically it seems you are just on the heels of a vacation where you were tempted so now you're questioning things because your relationship (like all other relationships) is not perfect. but it does seem more way more positive then negative so it seems it deserves some effort. there will be times when you're more

or less in love thoughout your relationship/life.

[Israfil]

Sounds to me like it is less about common interests than a continued interest in each other. You are evolving and growing, and you feel like he is either not evolving, or growing in a different direction than you.

 

Also, from what you have written, I have gleaned that you harbor resentment towards him and feel like you put a lot more into the relationship than he.

 

Ultimately, though, no matter what differences or resentments emerge, your heart yearns for a soul you can truly feel connected with. I understand this.

 

You can either

1. take the risk and leave him, and move on with your life and find someone more in tune with who you are now (but understand that if you do this there is no turning back – you can’t escape and then expect him to take you back)

2. stay with him and wonder if your life could have been better

 

 

The choice is obvious. Carrying it out will be hard. Good luck.

[Israfil]

One more thing:

 

Re: Leave or settle?

 

I think therein lies your answer.

[loveislost]

Well... I broke down and was the bearer of sad news. I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore fearing that he would see the sadness in my eyes. I felt that I couldn't continue living one more moment in a lie to myself and to him. Whether I'm still in a state of shock or what, strangely I feel a sense of relief - yet still very sad and my heart aches for hurting him so.

 

Mz. Pixie... yes, we do have issues and perhaps my hobbies do represent escapism - but my hobbies are what make me feel alive. And no he wasn't interested in counseling - maybe later when things cool off.

 

cali lady... It's not like planned to wait 10 years to get married. It was more a matter of finances - we paid for pretty much everything on our own as we didn't want to burden our parents. We threw the biggest party for all our friends/family - open bar and all. As for feeling confident that he was "the one"... I have an attitude that nothing is guaranteed or forever in life so I never set myself up to see anyone as "the one". I'm hoping that my kindred spirit will prove me wrong. Maybe that has something to do with my parents who have been close to divorcing many, many times, i.e. my sister who's 9 years younger than me went to 11 different elementary schools. I'm the oldest so I was always the go-between. My experiences may have warped my perspective on marriage. But it has taught me to take care of myself and that I am in charge of my own happiness, i.e. not rely on others to "complete me". So when we got married, what I did know was that we were best friends, admired each other's unique individuality, enjoyed spending time together, and complemented each other's personality.

 

I still love him but I think he deserves more than what I can offer and I deserve to follow my heart. I understand the potential 'consequences'. Maybe I'm putting a spin on my perspective to reinforce my thoughts and actions but... although I may think that leaving him may be the biggest mistake of my life - I think the bigger mistake would be to not allow myself the opportunity to seek a kindred spirit. I also understand that this person will have their own 'problems' but so do I. And we have gone through periods of being more or less in love and we have always worked through it by talking about our goals - even going as far as setting monthly and daily goals in all aspects of our lives, i.e. spiritually, physically, financially, our relationship etc. As you can see, we were very supportive of each other through thick or thin. Sometimes, it would almost seem that we were partners who were running a small business making sure that our individual goals were aligned with our shared vision of the future.

 

Israfil... Yes, I do think that we are growing in a different direction or at least have different priorities. And yes, I may harbor some resentment but I try not to look at it as blaming him as more as blaming myself for allowing it to happen. My friends all say that I am too patient, understanding, and tolerant - and maybe to a fault. I know that this is something I need to work on. And yes, I not only yearn for a soul to feel deeply connected, but also for a soul who we can spend our happiest moments together instead of separately. During our first summer together, he used to come out to see me play volleyball and eventually joined in - I was so excited. I was falling in love with a gorgeous guy who was athletic! But as soon as summer was over, university and life took over - but I continued to play volleyball - and he didn't. It will indeed be a challenging road ahead. I'd be interested to know more about your experience that enables you to "understand".

 

Thank you for sharing... dream big and believe...

[cali lady]

good luck to you, i'm sure everything will work out in the end although it sounds like you have some rough times immediately ahead. just stay strong and listen to your heart!

[loveislost]

Thanks cali lady.

 

I cried for the first time today. I'm glad because I was starting to feel that I was heartless. I finally brokedown while I was writing him an email telling him that I needed to find myself, discover my own goals, and take steps towards it. I told him that this was something I needed to do on my own to give me a sense of personal achievement - this is something that we would normally do together then he would take charge and make it happen. I didn't bother to re-tell about how I thought we weren't compatible because I thought it wasn't appropriate in an email in which I'm trying to say goodbye. Plus, I wanted to make sure that he knew that he didn't do anything wrong or that he's a failure for not taking care of me or something. But his response was a one-liner basically saying that he hopes I find what I'm looking for and that to not worry about hurting him and that he will move on. I'm not sure what I expected in return but I can tell that he's hurting soo bad - and that I'm causing it. I feel like such a horrible person. How can I do this to him? He's always treated me like a queen and a partner. I really need the universe to give me a sign that what I'm doing is right.

 

Deep down I feel that I am doing what's right. I know that he deserves more than what I can give him. My emptiness prevents me from giving him the love, attention, and adoration he so deserves.

 

Thank you for allowing me to be here. I feel like I have noone to turn to sometimes. All my close friends are his friends too. I'm sure that once they find out, they'll be disappointed with me and be mad that I did this to him. And the people I work with, don't really know me. And the last place I want to turn to is my family.

 

If this is a hormonal thing, I swear I will never forgive myself.

[Guest]

OMG, loveislost, when I read your posts I felt as if I was the one writing them.

 

Girl, I'm so scared of leaving...or staying. My H and I have almost nothing in common (it was actually kinda a joke for us) and I also feel that I have to do to something with my life (change careers, start a business, return to my country, etc) before it's too late.

 

I feel empty and it's scary. When I told him that I felt like scum, because he's my friend...because of the many years we've been together.

I'm scared of leaving and making the biggest mistake of my life.

I'm scared of staying and making the biggest mistake of my life.

 

I told him two years ago, we are still living together. I'm leaving soon, I hope that when I leave to find myself; I also find the love I felt for him. *sigh*

 

Good luck.

[loveislost]

Guest... I'm sorry to hear you're feeling empty. It's a sad state to understand that certain events in our lives, including our own actions and decisions, have caused us to feel like this. But be careful - changing careers and leaving your husband are two very different events.

 

Emptiness is a sympton and an opportunity to search within yourself to find the truth of who you really are - and determine if the life you're leading is truly yours. If you find that it's not yours, only then, can you "correct" yourself. In a way, it's like a gift. Without it, you may inadvertently be leading someone else's life - when you can be leading an extraordinary life meant for you.

 

I wish you the strength and courage to do what you need to do.

 

I'm having a difficult time but am trying very hard not to go crawling back to his safety, security, and love.

 

However, his last email to me has somewhat reassured me that I'm right. When asked to go see a MC, his response was something like... the last thing he needs is receiving insight from someone who is less intelligent than he is. Although he may be reacting in the heat of the moment, his arrogance and pride are obstacles to fully understanding what I need. I think that has been a key contributor to my unhappiness and feeling unfullfilled. He's so self-absorbed he doesn't even know it. He almost always thinks he's right. I should have recognized the warning signs long time ago - he's always had a hard time saying sorry or apologizing for his actions. Even when he cheated on me, he couldn't say sorry for cheating. Instead, he said he was sorry that I was hurt. Plus, even to this day, he doesn't consider what he did cheating because, in his mind, he had already left me. Puh-leeze.

[friend182]

This may sound harsh, but I ask myself this question when I have been in situations like this, "If I don't do (whatever) will I always wonder what if?"

 

I don't want to be an old lady wondering what would my life had been like if I would have just ventured out and done (whatever).

 

It may or may not be worth the risk to you and honestly there have been a lot of times that I would have been better off not taking the risk, however now I know how it turned out and live with the experience.

[loveislost]

No, it's not harsh. It's exactly what I've been thinking. So, you're saying that your risk was worth it because you're in a better place now, i.e. with the right person? If so, I'm sooo happy for you.

 

Well... Up until an hour ago, I was convinced that I was doing the right thing. I did cry uncontrollably today at his last email which said good-bye. I wasn't sure if I was crying more because of the possibility that I may have lost him or out of sadness of the pain I was causing. All I knew was that my crying was proof that I still love him - deep down. I needed to search within my soul quickly to find an answer - the sooner the better if there was any chance of a reconciliation.

 

So, now after hours of reflection and writing in my journal, I feel excited (talk about yo-yo effects) - like I just won the lottery or something. Excited that I have may come to the realization that he is the person I see myself growing old with. Crazy, I know. And no I haven't been drinking or doing drugs. In fact, I've been writing in my journal tons in the last few days. I've been looking deep inside myself and found some shameful needs, i.e. the truth. I am not the person I want to be - and that's ok. But at the very least, I know what needs to change or decide to accept me as I am.

 

Without itemizing everything, I think I know what could make everything all good again - sex. More and spicier. Bear with me... when I enjoy my outdoor activities, it gives me a certain high/thrill. I like the excitement and intoxifying feeling of a natural high that comes from my sports. And lately, I've been trying out new sports to feel different highs. Ok - maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie.

 

So... being together for 14 years, your sex life tends to become... routine and less frequent that when you first started dating. Maybe I was getting bored with our sex life? And Hawaii gave me such a natural high that when I came back I was suffering a withdrawal so bad that I didn't know what to make out of it. I started to evaluate my life and nit-pick at things. I did pretty much 'molest' him when I returned from my vacation. In fact, we had sex more that 1st week back than we had in a long time. All was good until we settled into the daily routine again of all work, no play. Then I guess I must have withdrawn again emotionally which eventually led me to where I am today.

 

Or... Am I trying to justify going back to him (assuming he'll even take me back)? Even though I had said in my previous post that I wanted someone to do things with, maybe I was trying to find an answer to justify why I felt unfulfilled. You see, I never had a problem doing the sports on my own before - actually, it felt kind of nice because it was my own world - and it empowered me to know that I could do those things on my own.

 

Also, one of the reasons why I thought I shoud leave was my fear that if I don't do it now, I may leave to pursue my 'what-if'. Then it'll be worse and more hurftul and complicated with assets and children.

 

But... If he could satisfy my need for an exciting sex life, then I don't think I would ever wonder 'what-if' or feel the need to 'shop around'. Because, after all, we want the same things out of life and I still love and care for him - and he would make a great dad.

 

Any insight, thoughts or feedback would be awesome! I know I sound excited at what may seem to be an epiphany - but I'm worried that this is just a phase and I may feel completely different in the next hour. Aaarrggh. I feel so happy it makes me even want to cook for him - and I don't cook!

 

Please... tell me what you really think... I know sex doesn't equal love but a healthy sex life can keep the fire burning, right? What am I not seeing about myself or our relationship?

[friend182]

It sounds like deep down, underneath all the extra wants and desires, you really love this guy.

 

Stay if you do and work on it more.

 

When (if) it is really time to leave, When (if) you are truly done with him and the life that the two of you have together, you will really know and feel it. It may still be scary, but you would be totally unhappy to stay.

 

After I left my ex-husband, there were times that I missed him, even times that I wanted to talk to him, but here is the kicker - there was never a time that I wanted to make love to him again.

 

I somewhat liked his companionship, but I did not love him.

 

Sounds like you are not quite there yet.

[loveislost]

I'm sorry about what you went thru but it sounds like it was for the best. I hope you're happier for it. It gives me hope and strength about facing up to my own truth.

 

You see, I think I'm going thru the same thing. But I find it hard to accept that and am trying to find a way to make our marriage work because I feel embarassed at the thought that I am willing to end our marriage over not being sexually attracted to him. It seems so trivial compared to all his other great qualities.

 

Although I was excited yesterday about spicing up our sex life, I'm reaching for something that may not be there. That doesn't mean sex with him is bad - it has its great moments, it's just that it felt really good to know that he found me sexually attractive. Coming back from Hawaii was more about wanting him to want me and help me get over a very strong sexual attraction I felt for a guy that I emotionally connected with.

 

And I've only been sexually attracted to a couple of guys over the years but with this guy in Hawaii was something I've never experienced. I love to dance (it's in my soul but my H doesn't dance and doesn't like the same music) and dancing with this guy made me feel like nothing else existed but us and the music - it felt like we were making love on the dance floor. It was intoxifying. I know that I will never have this experience with my H.

 

What to do? Should I keep it as a fantasy? I feel so shallow.

[dgiirl]

I think these are great starting points to make a new relationship with your husband. If he understood the feelings you want, and the activities that give you those feelings, you could try to share them with him. I dont see a need to divorce when you havent followed every avenue. Of course a new partner is exciting, but eventually you get to know that person, and he doesnt surprise you anymore. Noone will satisfy your every interest, so you'll eventually grow tired again.

 

You and your husband have worked very hard on life goals, and that's what's kept you guys together. Now you seem to have it all, and there's no more goals, no more excitement, or thrill. You guys have to set some new goals. Learning to dance, skydive, whatever. Something you guys can work on together and become good at. You're already having doubts, and if that's the case, then I dont think divorce is the answer. Continue communicating with your husband and explain what you truely need, and ask him what he truely needs.

[friend182]

I don't think that you are shallow, but I think you should be careful.

 

It is very easy to meet someone from another place and have a wonderful experience (been there)

 

The worries of home were not with you. You could, in a sense, be someone else.

 

I do however, think that sex is a VERY important part of marriage, beyond just the physical.

 

If your husband does not connect with you on emotional, sensual levels, you will probably not feel completely fulfilled by him and frequently find your mind wondering.

 

Try to do more physical things that maybe will help you heat up! Snuggle, wrestle, sit on his lap, stuff like that has helped me in the past. If you don't respond or feel anything you may have your answer.

 

If he doesn't respond, maybe you could talk to him eye to eye and explain that you need him in this way, that it is important for you to be close to him like this.

 

If he still doesn't respond, I would probably begin to pack. If he loves you, he will do stuff like that to please you because he will want you to be happy.

[loveislost]

Thanks dg and friend...

 

Well, he's not even returning my emails right now. I would like to talk to him but I think he's still very upset ( to put it mildy). I'm so emotional, flip-floppy, and at times numb. I think I need to see a doctor - I may be depressed and/or have some sort of bipolar, OCD, or anxiety disorders. Just great.

 

Plus, I was watching this show on TV which talked about the 'disease to please'. It makes me think that I've mistaken my acceptance and tolerance for certain behaviours of his as being the loving wife - when it's a symptom of this 'disease'.

 

I got alot of work to do on myself - what a humbling experience. At least, I'll be a better person to myself and others. The future looks bright - but it's sure looks like a long and winding road ahead.

 

It's times like this that I would normally lean on my H for help and support. I feel so alone. I don't want to bother other people with my problems. I don't want to call my girlfriend as I feel that her husband might worry that I may put doubts in her head too (my girlfriend and I broke up with our ex's the same day).

 

I'm sooo thankful for this forum - ok I'm crying now... I try and put on a brave face but it's so hard...

[IfiKnewThen]

forgive me if i am confused . its late and i am tired. your h is not living with you? you email him? why dont you just see him in person? its harder i think for people to say no in person and it gives you the opportunity to look at each others body language , expressions, less room for misunderstandings, etc.

 

would be great if this could just be some temp separation till you got yourself on track as to what you want. but i know thats alot to expect of anyone. he'd have to be a saint of all saints. good luck and hang in there and utilize this time you are apart...even to speak with him in person once in awhile when u can.

 

bare in mind you are scared now too. you can feel that youre not just losing a love but a family member also, thats how i would feel. its hard to lose "family" and familiar. its almost like 2 things lost. dont let something go completely if your not sure. you may not have any control in the matter but if hes willing to look at this as a trial separation for finding yourself, then that would be something.

[loveislost]

Correct, we agreed (suggested and I agreed) that it would be best if I moved out because it would be awkward living in a small one bedroom apt. He's giving me time to get things straight in my head. Note that this is the second time within a 3 wk period. The first time I moved out was for 3 days one day after coming back from Hawaii. I broke down when I heard his voice on the phone. So this time (it's been a week), we kept communication limited to only email. And I have to admit, I recommend it. We're both good communicators if we talk from the heart. Because email doesn't allow you the benefits of tone of voice, body language, facial expressions etc, it forces both parties to explicity explain what it is you want to express or ask. As you can tell, I'm feeling much better today. We had a breakthu last night.

 

... and yesterday... well... never understimate the power of the 'universe'. In one of my earlier posts, I had asked the 'universe' to give me a sign - and what happened yesterday is what I would definitely classify as a sign - at least an opportunity to help me make the right decision. He called me (first non-email contact) because he was suffering from severe pain and needed a ride to the emergency room. It turns out that he has kidney stones. Apparently, the pain can be compared to childbirth. The point being is that when I heard his pained voice, I immediately got scared and shaky wondering what was wrong or if he was going to be ok. My reaction is what I needed (I feel bad that it was at his expense) to help me realize that I still really love him.

 

I'm starting to remember that once upon a time I did love him truly, madly, crazy. I remember how my legs nearly buckled when I first saw him as I walked down the aisle - he took my breath away. That's what I want again!

 

I'm beginning to feel positive that, with his help and patience, I can find "that loving feeling" once again. He's even agreed to do the questionnaire on emotional needs found on the marriagebuilders website - under the condition that I don't think he's a patsy (we had a good laugh over that one). See... he is such a wonderful man - I have hope

[loveislost]

Yes - and I never would have thunk it. Even when my husband had an affair, I thought I'd try and get 'even' but couldn't do it. I still loved him and couldn't imagine becoming intimate (including kissing) with just anyone. I've had numerous opportunities especially when I dance because I feel it can be a very liberating and sensual experience (my husband doesn't dance). Well, one night out with the girls, one of my friends (married) said that she doesn't consider kissing cheating so I re-considered my position on it and basically gave myself permission to kiss someone if I felt really, really attracted to someone. So, while in Hawaii, I met a guy that I had an instant connection with - an intoxifying vibe! So we hung out and one night the electricity and attraction was so strong - I felt like I was in high school again with a big grin on our faces - and we kissed and kissed and kissed. It felt soo good that I couldn't think straight. Did I feel guilt - a little bit. Enough to know to say no when it got too far - we just cuddled.

 

Here's the thing... I didn't tell him I was married. I told I was single because us girls had agreed to our 'stories'. None of us expected anything like this to happen! So the second time I saw him, I eventually told him that I had a boyfriend - not a husband - and that we were on the rocks which is true. And he got really, really upset. I felt soo horrible. I disrepected my husband, myself, and him. Especially when he asked me to drop everything and be with him. Of course I said no because it just doesn't make sense since I didn't really know him - all I knew is that I loved being around him - and plus I was scheduled to leave in a few days. So I left and thought that we would never see each again. I was miserable for the next couple of days. I felt like a low-life for lying - and I felt like we just broke-up - I was heart-broken. I couldn't believe how much this guy had made such an impact on me after a couple of days. A part of me wanted to be with him.

 

What about my husband? I was so emotionally involved with this OM that I couldn't even think about my H. To me, it was a sign that there was something missing in my life and relationship.

 

So on the last night, we happen to bump into each other at the same club. I was excited and scared - I wanted to be with him. I don't know if this makes sense - at the time it did - I thought that it would be a greater regret to not be with him than to always wonder what I missed out on (remember, I've been with my H for over 14 yrs, always loyal yet feeling unhappy).

 

Here's the problem(s)... I can't get him out of my mind - and I've moved back in with my H. I still love my H but I don't feel madly crazy for him like I did with this OM.

 

Consciously, I've made the commitment to try and work things out - we agreed to not give up on our marriage without trying to at least fix it first. And I haven't told my H about the OM. I've already put him thru alot and decided that I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I have. I will carry my guilt and lies silently. I don't want him to hurt like how I hurt when I found out about his affair. I figure that if we can both focus on the bigger picture of meeting each others needs, everything will happen as it should - whether it's together or not.

 

I know I'll get alot of flack for all these lies. Yes, I know that I am a liar and a cheater. It's something that I regret and will never ever ever ever do again. I now know that I can't even kiss someone as it'll only hurt people and confuse my heart/mind.

 

One more thing... I don't regret feeling awesome with this OM. My regret is that I lied to him about being single and that we didn't get a chance to spend more time together to see if there was substance to our vibe. My imagination is creating a 'what if' life that's somewhat hindering my ability to focus on my marriage. It's the not knowing if we're compatible or share the same dreams that keeps me from running to him.

 

Ok...

 

Pros for H: He's a great guy who loves me, is devoted, and wants to provide us with an extraordinary life so that we can live where we want to love and travel the world - he's very focused on making us rich. I enjoy our intellectual conversations and cuddling. He's gorgeous, funny, very smart, and generous to his friends and family. He only wants kids if I want them.

 

Pros for OM: He makes me feel giddy. We share the same love of the ocean. We are really into each other when we dance. He makes me feel sexy. He's funny, confident, and considerate.

 

Cons for H: He's not 'present' when we walk or go on dates - he doesn't respond to what I say as his mind is preoccupied with all the things he needs to do. He's too focused on the 'end' rather than the journey. Funny though, he can recite what I just said but I know he's not really listening. He doesn't enjoy the outdoors and being active as much as I do. He doesn't like to dance or even like my music. He doesn't make me feel sexy. He says it all the time but I'm just not feeling it. He lacks confidence in his physical body.

 

Cons for OM: I don't know much about him. I know he has to be somewhat smart as he has a finance degree.

 

What do I want: I want someone who makes me feel sexy and is equally passionate about living life to its fullest - everyday.

 

Sorry, I know there's alot in this post - but I welcome and respect all your comments whether they be scolding or constructive. I'm my worse critic so I've said all the mean things to myself already but maybe you have some thoughts and questions that I may have not considered.

 

Thanks.

[dgiirl]

I was watching oprah the other day. It had a panel of guys who were in long term marriages who cheated on their spouses. One interesting thing I came away with it was they cheated because of the way the other person made them feel. It made them feel wanted, desired, and it brought a spark back into their lives. They all regretted it after the fact, but it's important to acknowledge the feelings this om made you feel. There's nothing wrong with it, and you should try to do everything you possibly can to bring those feelings into your life. But with your husband first.

 

Being married for such a long time, you tend to get stuck into a routine. You know all the smelly disgusting habits each of you do and there's no more mystery. This is a dangerous time because if someone comes into your life who shows interest, you feel alive again, and you want to abandon everything you're use to for that new experience. However, just say you end up leaving your husband, and you go with this new guy. Eventually, you're going to know all the disgusting habits he does, and he may or may not be a better match for you than your current husband. You're infatuated with this new guy because of the way he makes you feel. The same way I'm sure you felt when you first met your husband. Those feelings eventually wear off, and you end up in a more mature relationship.

 

When I got married, I chose someone who I could grow old with. Someone I considered family, and someone who I was totally loyal too. I'm sure you had these same intentions when you choose your husband. It's time like these where you really need to think about that. Do you want to grow old with someone? Do you want to have a close friend who you can share all of life's experiences with? It wont always be peachy, so you have to realize that if you say yes, then sticking with your husband is the best choice for you. As long as he's not abusive, you should give your marriage a chance. I'm sure if you talk with your husband, he will probably be feeling the same as you, you still love each other, but there's no more excitement in your life. It's time's like this that really test your wedding vows. You need to try to do everything possible to meet each others needs. Try new experiences, try old ones over again. You say you love to dance, but your husband doesnt. Ask him to make a honest effort to bring back the excitement into your marriage, and get him to learn to dance. Try and work together, describe all the feelings this om brought out in you, and find ways for your husband to do the same.

 

I'm a firm believer in telling the truth, but I can appreciate it might not be for everyone. Telling your husband will undoubteldy bring a lot of pain, but it also gives him the choice of staying, and opens the doors for honest communication. I'm the type of person who cannot keep secrets. I'm a total open book because otherwise things will eat me up and I cant fix anything. Also, i've found that when you're totally honest about everything, the temptation disappears. It's no longer a hidden secret and the mystery goes away.

 

Just food for thought.

 

There's absolutely no judgement here because we're all human, and we all want to be desired. I think you're going about it pretty maturely. Are you seeking counselling?

[Sal Paradise]

Whether or not your friend considers kissing cheating doesn't matter. If your husband considers it cheating, its cheating.

 

Sounds like to me you went to a romantic settling thats basically a fantasy, away from your day to day existance and fell in love with a fantasy life that isn't real.

 

Is it just me or is it dangerous for women in relationships to go on vacation and or trips alone (alone being not withe their SO)? Seems to be an awful lot of women going on trips alone and they either cheat, or meet someone and then come home and want to seperate. Its probably the same way for men as well but it seems to be far more women who do this than men.

 

Perhaps vacationing alone isn't a good idea. I always thought seperate vacations once in a while could be healthy but it seems to cause a lot of problems. People get in these fantasy romantic enviroments with their SO hundreds or even thousand of miles away and all hell breaks loose.

[loveislost]

Hey Sal... I guess it depends how stable the relationship is (or strong the person is) as to what may or may not happen when women go on vacations together. In the past, it hasn't been a problem as I never let things go that far - sure I flirt but that's it. I don't even accept offers for a free drink because I don't want to mislead anyone - and I love my H and would never betray him - or so I thought.

 

In this case, I think I'm guilty of placing myself in a position where I lost control of my senses, i.e. I allowed myself to be physically AND emotionally attracted to someone. Usually, having someone respond to my flirtatious ways gives me enough satisfaction that I'm still 'hot' in my mid-thirties (I actually look like I'm in my early twenties - I have to carry my ID around with me when I buy cigs and the legal age is 19 - but still need reinforcement and it's harmless fun).

 

My lesson learned is to never kiss guys I'm attracted to - LOL - that doesn't mean I kiss guys that I'm not attracted to but you know what I mean. I don't know how my girlfriends do it - and I'm not going to judge them over this. For me, I now know that I get too emotionally caught up in being intimate like that because it's like the opening the door to the possibility of love - and I LOVE being in love.

 

What I mean is that I am very aware of what makes my heart sing, i.e. I like to absorb and be one with 'energy' whether it's the music beating thru my body, or feeling the awesome power of the massive ocean or majestic mountains. With people, especially children, I can feel them too if I let myself. What happened here with the OM is that I opened myself up to him and felt his energy in return - and it was amazing - too amazing! I do feel soo bad for the OM if he truly felt the same way as I did. I know he was afraid of being hurt if we saw each other again after I told him that I had a 'boyfriend'. So, when we bumped into each other on the last night... well... you know the story.

 

There's my spiritual side of me that says there's no such thing as coincidences. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So I'm still figuring out if I met the OM to open my eyes that (1) he's a better match or at least there are others who are more compatible for me than my H, or (2) that my marriage and my needs is in jeopardy and needs attention... I'm thinking and going with door #2... but my mind does wonder...

 

 

Hi dggirl... Thanks for sharing the Oprah segment with me. It does help to know why and how other people have dealt with something like this. And you're right, I do love my H. When I married him, it was because he was the person who made me giddy and I want to grow old with him. That loving feeling is coming back - but I still experience some waves but not as high/low as before. I know I'm doing the right thing by focusing on us. I'm trying my best to look at my situation objectively, i.e. what would I say to my best friend.

 

As for telling the truth... I am great at keeping secrets, i.e. girlfriend or H secrets, but am not great at telling lies. In this case, I do feel guilty in that I am taking away an option for him to even make a decision - which is very difficult for me. The point is that by me not telling him goes more against my value of having options more so than being brutally honest - which I do think is very important. I could be wrong and cave in one day and tell him. But we're having a great recovery and have made goal-setting a priority again which includes making sure that each other needs are being met.

 

I'm not in counselling but am planning to be - I have other issues in the past that may be seeping in as I haven't dealt with them properly, i.e. one was date rape and the other was being sexually molested by a family member. Horrible I know but I've tried to forget the past and move on the best I could. Then within 3 months, I've been to two funerals, started and lost my job, I cheated, my H got kidney stones, and I got in a car accident (not my fault)... weird weird weird. The signs are all around me and I am having a difficult time reading them.

 

But I'd be lying if I said that I still didn't think about the OM - but it's becoming less and less. I feel like I should contact him and make sure he's ok. Should I? Or is that asking for trouble? For all I know, I am the one who's delusional and I was just another girl he met who's on vacation - but I seriously doubt it based on the things he talked about and how he reacted.

 

Thanks to both of you for you thoughts. It really helps