Leave or settle?

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by loveislost

As for telling the truth... I am great at keeping secrets, i.e. girlfriend or H secrets, but am not great at telling lies. In this case, I do feel guilty in that I am taking away an option for him to even make a decision - which is very difficult for me. The point is that by me not telling him goes more against my value of having options more so than being brutally honest - which I do think is very important. I could be wrong and cave in one day and tell him. But we're having a great recovery and have made goal-setting a priority again which includes making sure that each other needs are being met.

 

Only you know what's best for the situation If you really are dedicated to the marriage, and you think you can continue making progress and the secret doesnt hinder that progress, then play it by ear.

 

I'm not in counselling but am planning to be - I have other issues in the past that may be seeping in as I haven't dealt with them properly, i.e. one was date rape and the other was being sexually molested by a family member. Horrible I know but I've tried to forget the past and move on the best I could. Then within 3 months, I've been to two funerals, started and lost my job, I cheated, my H got kidney stones, and I got in a car accident (not my fault)... weird weird weird. The signs are all around me and I am having a difficult time reading them.

 

Yeah, counselling is great for everything. My stbxh left, and i went into counselling. It helped me understand the problems in my marriage, but it also helped me pay attention to my childhood problems. I think one of my problems is, I brought my emotional baggage into the marriage and let the anger build up. My stbxh wasnt capable of helping me with these problems and tried to minimize the effect they had on me. It was always a his childhood was worse than mine, and he's a happy guy so I should be too. But I needed to be angry, I needed to know it was OK to be angry, and all I needed was my feelings to be acknowledged. When you look for a counsellor, make sure she/he fits with your needs. I was blessed that my first time, I found someone who I was capable of speaking really openly with. She was a little bit older than I, and it felt good to have a female confidant. I know some people who were not so lucky on their first try, but looked for another and eventually found someone who was good for them.

 

But I'd be lying if I said that I still didn't think about the OM - but it's becoming less and less. I feel like I should contact him and make sure he's ok. Should I? Or is that asking for trouble?

 

If you want me to be honest, I think it's perfectly normal to be thinking about the OM. Should you be doing it? I dont think so, but it's human. You have to decide what your goal is, to save your marriage or get a divorce. If you want to save your marriage, then focus all your attention into it. Contacting the OM does not help save your marriage. You should be worrying what your husband feels instead of what this OM feels. Trust me, I do know the feeling of getting swept off your feet when in a relationship. Not something you expected would happen. It's hard to break free, but you have to decide what you really want.

 

As a starter, I think reading some self-help books might help you refocus your energy. I'm sure there's even some books for helping get past an affair. I found it really interesting knowing the symptoms people go through. It helps us not feel like we're going insane or a bad person for feeling what we're feeling. It's perfectly normal. It all depends on how we choose to act on those feelings.

[loveislost]

dgiirl... awesome insight - thanks so much! You're soo right about choosing who and what to focus on. It seems so simple yet I completely missed it. The mind, body, and spirit connection is soo intertwined that one can consume the other. So I've decided to focus on me and my H and it feels quite liberating. And you saying it's normal to think about the OM makes me feel normal/human - I thought that by having those thoughts meant something more than it was, i.e. that I am lying to myself about who I want to be with.

 

As for counselling... wish me luck in finding someone - hopefully, someone who can get to the root of my issues and help me love someone more than I thought possible. I realize that with all my childhood issues I have learned to protect myself and not fully give all of me in case they leave or something bad happens.

 

And I've browsed through some self-help books but I sure feel like a loser in the bookstore - I think I'll oder them online and have them delivered to my brothers place.

 

Anyways... thanks again and cheers to a enlightening road to love, life, and self-rediscovery.

 

P.S. I hope your faring well in your life too.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by loveislost

And you saying it's normal to think about the OM makes me feel normal/human

 

I think that's one of the liberating things that I've experienced myself. Something was wrong with me, and I didnt know what it was. Turns out I was experiencing anxiety and depression. For years I knew something was wrong, but I just thought I was going crazy. Once I went to a therapist, she goes "Oh, that's just anxiety". I had a term for it and I felt good! I then started telling people what I was going through, and they all started opening up saying "Yeah I feel like that too". Opening up and talking about the issues, you start to realize you're not bad or crazy. Everyone's experiencing so many similiar things. I know so many secrets about all my friends, now that I'm going through my own divorce. They never told anyone until I opened up and told them everything that went on with me. We really are all the same.

 

As for counselling... wish me luck in finding someone - hopefully, someone who can get to the root of my issues and help me love someone more than I thought possible. I realize that with all my childhood issues I have learned to protect myself and not fully give all of me in case they leave or something bad happens.

 

I do wish you luck! If you dont find someone right away, keep looking. I know about protecting yourself. Counselling has really opened my eyes to why I was doing it, and gave me some starters to fixing it.

 

 

And I've browsed through some self-help books but I sure feel like a loser in the bookstore - I think I'll oder them online and have them delivered to my brothers place.

 

lol yeah, I had to get over that feeling too. I felt really uncomfortable sitting in the self-help relationship section. But then I just told myself, atleast I'm trying to fix my marriage. If people dont liek that, then screw em lol I even went to the library and took some books out. If someone reads my history of books, I think it would be really funny. Atleast it's an experience that makes life interesting. Something you can tell your grandchildren about

 

 

Anyways... thanks again and cheers to a enlightening road to love, life, and self-rediscovery.

 

Thanks, you too