Wife says "I need my space" What does this mean?

[bravo]

12 days ago, my wife said she was no longer happy in our marriage and that she wanted her space. For the past 3 years I've been a busy busy guy I haven't been home much but I still came home at night and did things with her and the kids when I could. Anyway, back to her saying she want's space. What does that mean? Does this mean she's seeing someone? Does it mean that she just want's me to be away all the time?

 

I moved out over a week ago and it sucks big time. I don't like not being at "home". We've been married 16 years together 18 and this is very tough for me to deal with. I feel that love can fix anything, I dearly love my wife but not sure what do do.

[SweetSerenity]

It means that she is confused and having a hard time right now and she just wants time to think it through. It could also mean, as hard as this is, that she is thinking about possibly asking you for a divorce. I stand wholeheartedly behind FAMILY AND MARRIAGE FIRST, WORK SECOND. Yet in todays' world it is very hard to do that. Especially if you're just getting by from paycheck to paycheck. You hear about all these politicians wanting family and marriage to stay intact but do you see them working hard to make that possible? No you don't. Back to the matter at hand. It just means that she is in a confused and probably depressed state right now. The best thing you can do for her is grant her the space she is asking you for. If you hound her too much you'll agitate her and possibly push her into divorce. Be patient. I'm sure one way or the other it will work out no matter what the outcome is. If she doesn't stay with you, even though I'm sure you'll be hurt and you'll have to work through it, this at least frees you up to find someone that will. But hang in there. It's often darker before it's brighter.

[LucreziaBorgia]

"Space" is the place where she will go to contemplate her loss of emotion for you: a place where you are not a part of, and won't be welcome into. What she will do in that space is anyone's best guess - as is whether or not someone is waiting in that space there for her...

 

Should you try to prevent her from going there, she'll find her way there quicker.

 

I think she's planning on using the "space" to get some unbiased and uninterrupted time to evaluate her feelings toward the marriage and whether or not she wants to stay in it. The decision isn't made yet, but your reaction to her needing that space, and the conclusions she comes to while in that space are what the decision is hanging on.

 

You may want to ask her now, rather than later if she would like to go to marriage counseling.

[amy1975]

For several reasons, I asked my husband to move out for a while. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore...i figured if I missed him and his company then we still belonged together.

 

After 3 weeks, i missed him and his company and asked him to come back. He did.

 

But I needed to know what my life would be like without him in it.

[cranium]

Did you see it coming? Communication problems? Other problems?

 

MW told me last July pretty much out of the blue she thought we might need to separate for a little while; she needed space. We have also been married 16 years, together 18. She told me there was no one else. I would not agree to separate and she agreed to go to marriage counseling. Four months into counseling is when I discovered her affair.

 

I wouldn't rule out the possibility of her seeing someone. Ask her. Ask her what she means. You've got to communicate. Have you suggested marriage counseling? Tell her you'll arrange it.

 

Cranium

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/

[jmargel]

This "needing space" is for the birds. Honestly. Most relationships fall apart DUE to communication problems, so in order to "fix" these communication problems to become closer you MUST be a part of each other lives! That's where marriage counseling comes in. Needing space is a coward's way out. Women use it because they hate confrontation. You don't see many men use it unless themselves are wimps.

 

Like the other poster who seperated from her husband for 3 weeks and missed him enough to have him back, unless you goto counseling and work out the problems you two are having you will end up to this same point again of wanting him to leave.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again, expecting different results!

 

Bravo, what I would suggest doing is talking to her and ask if she might be intersted in marriage counseling. That 16 years between each other is alot of invested time and should not be thrown away without a valid effort of fixing whatever is the problem between you two. Don't accuse her of cheating or even ask that. Don't ask if there are any other men in her life. If you do, you probably won't get an honest answer anyway if she is. Unless you have proof that she is then don't assume or think it. Don't let those thoughts compound the problems that are between you two right now.

 

If I were you I would also look into a counselor for yourself. Check with a licensed marriage counselor. Mine saved my sanity when I was having problems. It's a great stress reliever. Most insurance companies cover it.

 

When you talk to her, don't push her. Tell her when she is ready you'll be here to listen. When she does talk, do listen and don't counter-attack her points even if you feel you disappointed her. Most men will agrue with their spouse when they feel this disappointment. Check out my link in my signature, that may be of help to you.

[bravo]

I appreciate all the advice.

 

This did come out of the blue, I wasn't expecting it at all. I tried for a few days to convince her that we needed to work on whatever it is that makes her unhappy, and being apart we can't fix anything. I beleive that "My Space" is a cowardly way of saying "I don't want to try" I don't understand why all of a sudden she want's her space. A few things have changed in the past year, she has been a housewife/mother for the past 9 years. Now she went back to school and got a job that she loves 2 months ago and every since that I've noticed a change in her appearance attitude and ability to communicate. My gut instinct is an "affair" she denies it, of course. But I'm trying to aske questions that would give an indication of what is truely the issue(s). I'm willing to work and work hard at making this work, but I can't do the work for the two of us.

[MySugaree]

Needing one's space is often just another way of telling a long time spouse that he or she is no longer the center of one's affectional universe. It's one way of telling a spouse that you view, experience and value the relationship very differently than him or her. Simply put: it means, "I don't enjoy you much anymore and I want to see what else is out there." Often, but not always, "space" is simply an affair partner.

 

Telling someone you need space has absolutely nothing to do with courage or cowardice. It's a reflection of the diminishing priority the marriage has in her life. The "I need space" speech is often a prelude to marital dissolution.

 

Can counseling save your marriage? Only if your wife wants that. Otherwise, it's futile.

[bigbuffs]

jmargel made some good points. My situation started out just like yours. My wife said she wanted time alone and really hit me out of the blue. I felt like it was a bad idea (I thought we should stay and talk about our problems), but I let her do what she wanted and it seems like it has ruined any chance of us staying married. I would say tell her to share her feelings, she has to let you know her true feelings so you can work on it. Tell her you want to go to marriage counseling and try to work things out. Don't give her an ultimatome but tell her how you feel the problems can't be fixed if you 2 aren't together. Just don't sit back and do nothing because thats kind of what I did and it got me no where. Start trying to fix things now before it is too late.

 

here is my story if you want to compare

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59339/

[bravo]

We've made the decision to try to work things out, I'm moving back in today and we'll try working through the issues.

The only change over the past week or two was the fact that my daughter wanted to come spend the night with dad. So when I picked her up I could tell that my wife was emotional because she never realized that once divorced we'll be seperating from the kids from time to time too. I think she finally realized that we were seperated last night. We've talked about 4 hours this morning and came to the agreement that we will give this marriage another try. Wish me luck

[cranium]

Excellent news, bravo. Best to you. Keep us posted.

[jmargel]

Good luck Bravo. Please read my link in my signature and setup an appointment with a licensed marriage counselor this week. Don't put this off!

 

Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster. Days where she'll fawn over you and days she'll despise you. Personally that's immaturity but I think it's an embedded trait among women since they are so emotional and they act on that emotion.

 

You'll have to be the bigger person here but that doesn't mean you need to be her emotional punching bag. One thing I told my wife when she moved in, and I will do this until the day one of us dies, is that I make it a point at least once a week to go out on a date with her. Otherwise you'll end up just co-habitating with her and the "magic" will slowly drain away. You'll forget why you wanted to be with this person to start with.

 

Remember to listen to her and when she talks instead of defending what she says to you, tell her 'You understand'. You'll see a big difference even if it means you have to bite your tongue for awhile.

[MiChick43]

After reading your post, Im happy to see the end post was much more positive. I hope things work out.

 

Do the regular date night thing. Send her some flowers once inawhile.

 

 

I surprised my fiance the other day by cleanning out his garage, ewww. Then I pulled his old camaro out and took it for a good wash and then waxed it. Even though we both work more then we should I cook him dinner several nights a week. I was complaining I needed to get some more scrubs for work, but hadnt had the time. I came over to find 4 new sets sitting on the table....he did a pretty good job at picking them out too!

 

Its the little things.

 

Good luck.

[MiChick43]

I came over to find 4 new sets sitting on the table....he did a pretty good job at picking them out too!

 

 

 

BTW, when he did this I made dang sure he knew I appreciated it! WINK!

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by bravo

For the past 3 years I've been a busy busy guy I haven't been home much but I still came home at night and did things with her and the kids when I could. Anyway, back to her saying she want's space. What does that mean? Does this mean she's seeing someone? Does it mean that she just want's me to be away all the time?

 

It makes no sense for her to want to be without you as she already spends most of her time without you. So she might be

1. trying to show you how it feels to not have the one you love by your side (because you can't feel it when you're busy, but you can feel it when you come to an empty home) or

2. she met someone or got a crush on someone or

3. she is not happy with the marriage and either wants to try living without you and see how it works or is trying to make you pay attention to her.

 

It's crucial for you to communicate and see what's going on and why. Just ask questions, make assumptions that she will deny or confirm, talk, talk, talk...

[Sal Paradise]

I would seriously suggest counselling. Yeah its good that you've moved back in but its important to find out what went wrong in the first place.

[bravo]

I agree, and I'm still talking to her about counseling. We'll see how it goes.

It's getting better around the house it's starting to feel like my home again. So things are looking up, at the moment.

[scarlyjones]

"Its not you,...its me"

 

"lets take a break"

 

"I think we should see other people"

 

"I need some space"

 

sound familiar?

[bravo]

I actually asked her about seeing other people, if she wanted to try that for a while. She said "NO". I continue to waffle too and fro about this whole deal. One hand I can see us separtated/divorced but on the other hand I can't see not living with her when we get old and gray.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by bravo

but on the other hand I can't see not living with her when we get old and gray.

 

 

This is totally understandable. Youve been with her a long time and you married her truely believing that she would be there forever. So I can see how it would be quite difficult to imagine a life without her. I know this is totally a different subject but its sorta the same. I was a major alcoholic ( still am,..just sober now ) for 17 years. I WANTED to quit for the longest time, but I was terrified because even when I sat down and tried to imagine a life without drinking,...I for the life of me could not. I just could not see it. But what finally worked was that I knew that it was out there whether I could see it or not,.....and that not being able to see it was simply because I had made it all I had known for 17 years.