Just ranting and guidance needed

[QueenDeath]

As some of you may know, I got dump weeks ago and since then I've been going casual dating. Then I disabled my account for this online dating app OkCupid because I lost interest in dates quickly and also, I'm in college now and my goal for that is to of course just do good and transfer out to a 4 year and just focus on myself because I've been dating seriously since high school and also considering I'm messed up. I'm insecure, I can be jealous, and trust issues.

 

When those stuff rise in me in a relationship, like my ex told me when he dumped me that day, I'm controlling and manipulative and such. Even though I didn't know I was like that until the day he dumped me and told me that I am, I didn't intend to be like that I was just scared of being left for someone else again like I did back in high school for my first relationship.

 

Main reasons for taking a break from being in relationships is because I felt drained after that breakup,to finally focus on myself and also I got tired of this pattern I was in : strangers -> friends -> lovers and best friends -> breakup -> strangers

 

 

Which now I get it, I am 20 years old, going 21 next year and I have my whole life ahead of me. Which I really do understand now. However, in the future, it scares me whenever I decide to start getting back into that again, why?

 

I'm tired of being told all these things, you're amazing, worth it, you're someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, etc. To them wanting to go on the break, to me being in the limbo, in pain, agony to them later on a few days or so to them wanting to break up. Also for myself, I keep saying how I would spend the rest of my life with someone and being on here, it showed me no matter how long you're with someone, whether it being 13 years or whatever, they don't always stick around.

 

I don't know anymore, maybe I'm just confused, maybe I'm always thinking about the long run, maybe I don't truly enjoy relationships like that and only think about the now...I don't know anymore and dating in the future really does terrify me.

 

Also....why aren't certain words like please and advice not allowed in the titles?! o.o