Her story with full details and the Whys!

[GrandFunkRailroad]

Well, for those who followed my story and tried to be supportive here an update on what's going on right now. First of all, here's the link to the story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/548097-she-had-ons-now-she-s-soooooo-remorseful-wants-save-marriage. Anyway, I have a military buddy who could through his good connections and affiliations in that area precede the schedule so we had the first Poly-Test today. They prepared the questions last day (got the list of questions and the recorded confession and had the pre-meeting with her) and you got the answers after one to two hours after the test itself. So, here is her full version of the chain of vents, prior to the ONS, during the ONS and afterwards.

 

Well, she told me basically everything that happened. Of course right now unless we have checked and approved it through a Poly-Test I can't say if this is the truth. Anyway, that's what she told me. She began revealing to me that for a longer time she felt sinking under the burden of taking care of four special need kids. Specifically, it was less the duties with the kids but more my involvement with the as to taking care of their needs in regard to things like the medical and psychological care, their diagnosis and so on. I was amazed and asked isn't it what she always wanted a husband that is involved in his kid's life and family. She said this is true, but that is what's so scared, upset and agonizing. She sad that somehow, which is completely insane, she felt as being inadequate as a woman and mother, as a threat or as if she's inferior to me, as if it was something against her and so on. She also knew that this was insane and that additionally it was not only her paying the prize. She was aware of the burden I carried and the sacrifices I made. Yet nevertheless, she somehow felt as if what she falsely perceived as in regard to her position as a woman and mother, it has something to do with me or eventually caused/created through me. Anyway, so long it was on the personal level, she knew and couldn't blame "GFR", because she knew it was not rational so she projected her resentment towards me, we can maybe say rationalized or compartmentalized it, not as "GFR" but "men" in general (in relationships). She began the more to resent, to holding grudge against me and her bitterness grew with the time feeling as though she is entitled to some fun in life that does not include me. She didn't communicate her feelings of resentment, grudge bitterness and what she was thinking but bottled it up inside her because deep inside she knew that it wasn't true yet she wasn't willing to accept it. Maybe because she also was ashamed to talk about it to me!

 

She indeed thought about doing something which is off-limits but never intended to have sex with someone else. This is where her defenses and boundaries began to fall. She said that deep down she knew it is unfair and couldn't hurt me so much by cheating on me so she rationalized it that having some fun being able to cope with the situation while in the same time compartmentalizing it as "men", not "GFR" would not be so terrible and wouldn't hurt anyone. She thought that she could stop any moment and after doing it sometime having her fun she'd be able to be back in the marriage – a kind of perverted thinking that it could spark the marriage even more. She said that at the beginning she was just flirting with other men a lot, not the specific scum of earth in that fateful day, while it never crossed the boundary into PA or EA. She told me it was never about the emotional side nor some physical attraction, in fact she "down traded me" consciously and chose men to flirt which normally would never have a chance with her, who even do not come close to my and her standards. It was more about just feeling the power and control over them, while avoiding the emotional attachment and the sexual aspect. She told that now she understands that flirting in itself was already adultery and overstepping the marital boundaries. Anyway, at the fateful day she met him at the event. He was not working in the same district as her. At the beginning they were chatting with her friends that knew him. Later on they met at the bar when she had already drunk a lot. They started talking again and she began flirting with him. In return he began playing with her. I don't think it was a sexual assault but I think he took advantage of her intoxicated state which was solely her responsibility and in fact both of them were playing one with another. So, both of them are 100% responsible for what happened.

 

Anyway, at some point he said that he was staying there for another day that he rented a room in a nearby hotel and if she wants she can come to his room to calm and refresh her-self before leaving home. At that point he already knew she was married but didn't care much. She agreed and they went to his room. She says she still thought she will rest there, played with him a little bit and then return to the event to go home. She told that at this moment there were so many boundaries crossed that her defenses were all down so that the situation got out of control like an avalanche. The more it continued the boundaries felt and they proceeded to sex. She said that she neither liked the physical part of the sex nor was there any emotional connection or any feelings towards the POS and SOE and in fact he was neither her type nor came close in comparison to me; she reassured me that she was not physically attracted to him, found him actually repulsive in that department, neither had he anything to offer to her. The only thing he "offered" was him merely being an object to her feeling of superiority and how through this it made her feel good about her-self. It was even not him himself that made her feel good but rather the situation that did so; it was about the feeling of control and superiority - the same feeling that drove her initially to the flirting. Once in the act itself, she thought that already breaking the boundary what doesn't it matter anymore so she'll wait till it ends. She was also thinking that I will be mad but did not saw a divorce coming. In other words, she was taking me for granted. The, the more they proceeded, the more she became overcome with guilty, she become more and more feeling physically unpleasant (she became dry and sore) but most probably because she was feeling embarrassed, ashamed and also afraid realizing this is a complete stranger she didn't stop it. She then became even more and more angry but seeing that POS is going to be done she waited him to finish which happened quickly. So, until she got herself to stop it, the whole thing ended any way while she was under the influence of all the aspect mentioned above. She said she didn't look of course at the time but in comparison to us he didn't last long so it was really fast. I told her that she should try her best to recall it while it is o.k. it that it would not be completely exact, but she should try to guess how much more or less on time she thinks it took. She said the intercourse was maybe two minutes; maybe a little bit more but more likely a little bit less and some more before the intercourse. She thinks there were many more reasons that she still must explore.

 

I than asked her how it could be that she didn't enjoy at all the sex; it doesn't seem logical to me. She said that there were many reasons. First of all, it was not like having sex and making love to me. She missed the emotional connection we share together; she said that in comparison to me he was incredibly selfish, while I was literally reading her mind and putting her pleasure always before mine (it's true up to the level that I always let her orgasm first before I was thinking about my own); she said he was not creative, confident, leading and attentive to her as me; at the end she even didn't orgasm. She admits that at this stage she was still thinking very selfishly and concentrating on herself. I was still not a part of that picture. Anyway, when scum of earth was finished (he pulled out) it was when reality really hit her. It was according to her like a train that hit her with full speed. Maybe also because the alcohol effect was lifting and diminishing! She said that at this moment thoughts of me at home began to occur in her mind. She thought about me taking care of the children; she was thinking how I take care of the home duties after work so she can have a good time enjoying herself while she behaved, those were here own word, as a cheap tramp sleeping with some stranger behind my back in some hotel room. She began to recall all the times and all the things I did for her. She realized all the sacrifices I made for our family and how awful her behavior not only this night was and her attitude towards me during all the time previous the ONS. At this point she freaked out; she jumped and stormed out of bed. She dressed herself and then was completely raging and shouting at him that they are not going to see each other anymore, that there would be no more contact between them whatsoever; that if he will contact her even one time she will file charges of harassment against him and that he should not bother himself to find and inform me because she is going to do it anyway to save her marriage. Then she left the room, returned to the hotel and came from there to home.

 

She told that on her way home regret and remorse were unbearable yet she could not show it. All the way home she was fighting her tears. When they arrived, she told me, she couldn't go immediately home. She said she was sitting for some 45 minutes in a park and just crying. Then she knew she had to go home, she took a taxi, took a bath and went to sleep beside me in our bed. What happened next I have described in my first post. She said that right now the majority of her thoughts revolve around how much she hurt me, how much pain she has inflicted upon me, how much in hell I must be experiencing ill of this excruciating emotions and what she can and has to do to help him heal. The rest of her thoughts are on how to create permanent, workable changes in her-self to ensure that something like this never happens again. She said that right at the moment she is less concerned with her-self but is distraught at the agony, misery and rage she has caused me and can't begin to understand how much I disgust I must have towards her right now. Thoughts and images of this being constantly in my head and effecting my happiness and well-being are literally killing her but she understands it is nothing in comparison to what I am going through. This was basically her story as she has written it down and confessed in her own voice in the recorded. Initially I asked her whether she will agree to make a double test to cross check the result in to different companies. She said she would do absolute ANYTHING I wish. I still tend to cross check and verify it in a second test but somehow I believe it is true. I just don't know if I should do this than it seems to be true and she seems consistent in her story. Anyway, in order not to make the post too long, I will post separately the question in a different post as well as my plans in another one.

Edited September 24, 2015 by GrandFunkRailroad

[goodyblue]

Oh my god. If I were her I would divorce you.

Edited September 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sassy Girl]

Oh my god. If I were her I would divorce you.

 

Can you elaborate?

[goodyblue]

Can you elaborate?

 

He wrote down and recorded her 'testimony'. Gave her a polygraph. No matter what she did, for me, a deal breaker. If she is cheating and he is doing all this crap, it shows an unhealthy obsession and they should both move on.

Edited September 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SummerDreams]

I find it just too much the whole process this couple is going through as well. This is why I always think that, no matter how much the love between a couple is and the desire to reconcile, things can simply not go back to how they were. How can a couple become normal again after an infidelity / betrayal and after that this obsession with the truth, mistrust, everything that seems so over the top for me. Lets even say I do belileve this woman 100% and I do sympathise with her. If this woman was my H I would even forgive him. But only the fact that we would never have the same relationship anymore, the same huge trust, the same intimacy, all this would make me not want to go on with this marriage anymore. There would be nothing he could do. The only thing that could happen would be to just erase all the memories from infidelity, which is impossible.

Edited September 24, 2015 by SummerDreams

[pheonixrisen]

Hi ..I am B's spouse in successful reconciliation ...

 

I am not defending your wife ...she is 100% responsible for the ons ...as far as your marriage ..you cannot fix what you did not know was broken ..if she built resentment over the years she should have addressed it ..so at least you were working towards fixing it ...flirting and ons should not have been the answer to that ...

 

Having said that ..as insane as it sounds ..yes it's quite possible to build a resentment when your other half having taken care of his role steps into your role (even if its loosely defined) there is a lot of internal conflict that could lead to resentment no matter how good the other intention ....For eg my h takes greater pleasure in his role as a good provider if I were to step in that role and get a better salary ..in time I believe it would build resentment ..no matter how good my intention he would feel I was taking his role and thus taking away what he loves doing or what he considers to be solely his role ...and same goes for me ..even though I love the way he takes care of our baby ...There are some things that I consider solely as my role as a mother ..if he were to step in my role ...It would create internal conflicts ...

 

The road to reconciliation is a hard one I believed I would never get passed this ..3 years ago my marriage as I knew it was over ...now 3 years plus since... I am glad I stayed ...I don't trust my h a 100% but we are building back brick by brick ..and I do believe my marriage is better ..

 

what ever you decide do it fast for everyone involved ....so your family can begin to heal ...

[m.snow]

He wrote down and recorded her 'testimony'. Gave her a polygraph. No matter what she did, for me, a deal breaker. If she is cheating and he is doing all this crap, it shows an unhealthy obsession and they should both move on. He clearly thinks he is perfect and she should wear the hair sweater. Oh God. Just... No.

 

bit harsh for someone who just found out his wife cheated.

but as an ow i guess you know w/c side your on.

 

I find it just too much the whole process this couple is going through as well. This is why I always think that, no matter how much the love between a couple is and the desire to reconcile, things can simply not go back to how they were. How can a couple become normal again after an infidelity / betrayal and after that this obsession with the truth, mistrust, everything that seems so over the top for me. Lets even say I do belileve this woman 100% and I do sympathise with her. If this woman was my H I would even forgive him. But only the fact that we would never have the same relationship anymore, the same huge trust, the same intimacy, all this would make me not want to go on with this marriage anymore. There would be nothing he could do. The only thing that could happen would be to just erase all the memories from infidelity, which is impossible.

 

uhh JFO

 

this man is in JFO?

you know just found out, barely been a month.

 

its not like everyone was just fine when they first found out.

there is always that first few months of heightened emotional distress.

 

dont compare it to your current state which probably already years on.

Edited September 24, 2015 by m.snow

[goodyblue]

bit harsh for someone who just found out his wife cheated.

but as an ow i guess you know w/c side your on.

 

 

 

uhh JFO

 

this man is in JFO?

you know just found out, barely been a month.

 

its not like everyone was just fine when they first found out.

there is always that first few months of heightened emotional distress.

 

dont compare it to your current state which probably already years on.

 

Yes. I am on the side of not treating a spouse like a prisoner.

[m.snow]

Yes. I am on the side of not treating a spouse like a prisoner.

 

and again this is just a man who just found out.

 

no one can take that against him.

he is suffering pain right now.

if that's how he feels for know oblige him.

since that's not something you'd probably die of doing.

 

its not like he will ask for her to be tested every day or lie detector every month.

 

its just for now? what ever makes him feel safe.

i believe people can sympathize with that.

 

and to throw 2x4's is rude.

 

He wrote down and recorded her 'testimony'. Gave her a polygraph. No matter what she did, for me, a deal breaker. If she is cheating and he is doing all this crap, it shows an unhealthy obsession and they should both move on. He clearly thinks he is perfect and she should wear the hair sweater. Oh God. Just... No.

 

analyze that statement

just found out and just forget about it?

you mean "rug sweep"?

if spouse has an affair no need to talk about it?

 

if that satement were between 2 couples who are not married maybe just move on.

but these two are married with 4 special needs children.

focus on "married" not simply having relationship but more than that. more than just a commitment.

Edited September 24, 2015 by m.snow

[goodyblue]

and again this is just a man who just found out.

 

no one can take that against him.

he is suffering pain right now.

if that's how he feels for know oblige him.

since that's not something you'd probably die of doing.

 

 

its not like he will ask for her to be tested every day or lie detector every month.

 

its just for now? what ever makes him feel safe.

i believe people can sympathize with that.

 

and to throw 2x4's is rude.

 

 

 

analyze that statement

just found out and just forget about it?

you mean "rug sweep"?

if spouse has an affair no need to talk about it?

 

By move on I mean divorce. I feel for him. But this couple will not recover with what he is doing. What would he do if she refused to be treated like his property?

 

I do not know ANYONE who would put up with what he is doing. In fact the only place I see this treatment is here or Jerry Springer

Edited September 24, 2015 by goodyblue

[m.snow]

By move on I mean divorce. I feel for him. But this couple will not recover with what he is doing. What would he do if she refused to be treated like his property?

 

I do not know ANYONE who would put up with what he is doing. In fact the only place I see this treatment is here or Jerry Springer

 

you know if he was saying this stuff 3-5 mos on and has already gone through therapy a number of times.

 

and he keeps on this stuff. like polygraph then i would say divorce would be the option.

 

but to say divorce just a few days. after discovering that's a whole lot different.

 

but again, this guy just found out.

 

if you haven't been through most of the posts from here and on different forums

and his reaction so far have typical with most if not all betrayed spouses.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

Hi ..I am B's spouse in successful reconciliation ...

 

I am not defending your wife ...she is 100% responsible for the ons ...as far as your marriage ..you cannot fix what you did not know was broken ..if she built resentment over the years she should have addressed it ..so at least you were working towards fixing it ...flirting and ons should not have been the answer to that ...

 

Having said that ..as insane as it sounds ..yes it's quite possible to build a resentment when your other half having taken care of his role steps into your role (even if its loosely defined) there is a lot of internal conflict that could lead to resentment no matter how good the other intention ....For eg my h takes greater pleasure in his role as a good provider if I were to step in that role and get a better salary ..in time I believe it would build resentment ..no matter how good my intention he would feel I was taking his role and thus taking away what he loves doing or what he considers to be solely his role ...and same goes for me ..even though I love the way he takes care of our baby ...There are some things that I consider solely as my role as a mother ..if he were to step in my role ...It would create internal conflicts ...

 

The road to reconciliation is a hard one I believed I would never get passed this ..3 years ago my marriage as I knew it was over ...now 3 years plus since... I am glad I stayed ...I don't trust my h a 100% but we are building back brick by brick ..and I do believe my marriage is better ..

 

what ever you decide do it fast for everyone involved ....so your family can begin to heal ...

 

 

Hi ..I am B's spouse in successful reconciliation ...

 

Having said that ..as insane as it sounds ..yes it's quite possible to build a resentment when your other half having taken care of his role steps into your role (even if its loosely defined) there is a lot of internal conflict that could lead to resentment no matter how good the other intention ....For eg my h takes greater pleasure in his role as a good provider if I were to step in that role and get a better salary ..in time I believe it would build resentment ..no matter how good my intention he would feel I was taking his role and thus taking away what he loves doing or what he considers to be solely his role ...and same goes for me ..even though I love the way he takes care of our baby ...There are some things that I consider solely as my role as a mother ..if he were to step in my role ...It would create internal conflicts ...

 

First of all, the resentment is the least problematic part in this story and it is definitely something I can forgive although I believe her resentment stems from a different reason and source than you mentioned. The problem is the deceit and not talking about the issues; then taking it to a place of cheating. Having done something without harmful intentions and unconsciously is a good ground to say what disturbs you so that I can further avoid the issue. By the way, even when we adhere to those roes help can be sometimes offered. Indeed, as I helped her in many things, she helped me too in many others. Once again, maybe it was such an essential issue. Still talk, don't cheat and that part of resentment I could indeed understand and forgive.

[m.snow]

GFR hope you and ww have gone to counseling already. wish you the best & good luck!

[GrandFunkRailroad]

GFR hope you and ww have gone to counseling already. wish you the best & good luck!

 

m.snow

 

We begin to work actually a plan how to proceed from here. It is a very initial and fragile state

[purplesorrow]

You said first poly, are you planning on subjecting her to this again? A poly is only as good as it's questions. I've never seen one get so many details. If you don't want her, why be so cruel? Why do you want every detail?

[GrandFunkRailroad]

You said first poly, are you planning on subjecting her to this again? A poly is only as good as it's questions. I've never seen one get so many details. If you don't want her, why be so cruel? Why do you want every detail?

 

The one who begged, pleaded and was asking me to stay also at the cost of getting the truth with poly was her. The only one that treated me as an object and her property was her. The point at which we are now is her being at need to move mountains and not me. As standing opposed to the home werecker's wet dream, me and probably my wife, understand that I do not have to accept anything of those nice words. I haven't posted the plan but she understand that if she wants to stay in this marriage she has to abondong the home wrecker's moral and not me being being a battered doormat. Those home wrecker who try to teach us morals are in the same way and similar to those murdereres that would teach us about the sanctity of life. So, my wife did not only agree to the poly but offered even more measures than this. So, the point we stand now is a more complex than immediate divorce

[m.snow]

m.snow

 

We begin to work actually a plan how to proceed from here. It is a very initial and fragile state

 

that's good to hear.

 

also counseling is not just about marriage counseling, there is also individual counseling. again all of this will help you cope.

 

and lastly you really cant get quality professional advice from a forum.

most forums are even counter productive. and may give ammunition for more animosity.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

that's good to hear.

 

also counseling is not just about marriage counseling, there is also individual counseling. again all of this will help you cope.

 

and lastly you really cant get quality professional advice from a forum.

most forums are even counter productive. and may give ammunition for more animosity.

 

You are right but I know to differ between cheating home wrecker giving bigoted advice and people who can help. I am hetting this help but it will take time so right now I am looking everywhere

[World's.Edge]

Her adultery and confession developed and unfolded like so many others that it's eerie.

 

These instances are so similar: from how she came to think of you, how she viewed her life, her behaviour, her treatment of you, her reasoning and thought processes, her thinking how crazy her thoughts were; as well as her disdain and derogatory remarks about the other man and his sexual performance, her praise of your relations and comparing you favourably over him, the sudden realization immediately afterhaving sex with him of what she had with you, down to her taking a bath (normally a shower) and sleeping next to you that night.

 

I really feel for you, I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

Edited September 24, 2015 by World's.Edge

[purplesorrow]

The one who begged, pleaded and was asking me to stay also at the cost of getting the truth with poly was her. The only one that treated me as an object and her property was her. The point at which we are now is her being at need to move mountains and not me. As standing opposed to the home werecker's wet dream, me and probably my wife, understand that I do not have to accept anything of those nice words. I haven't posted the plan but she understand that if she wants to stay in this marriage she has to abondong the home wrecker's moral and not me being being a battered doormat. Those home wrecker who try to teach us morals are in the same way and similar to those murdereres that would teach us about the sanctity of life. So, my wife did not only agree to the poly but offered even more measures than this. So, the point we stand now is a more complex than immediate divorce

 

I get that you don't want to be a door mat. But how does making her into one help anything? I don't think my ex was trying to teach me anything by cheating. I don't really get your murder analogy. Good luck on your journey. I hope you get back to seeing her as a person.

[m.snow]

I get that you don't want to be a door mat. But how does making her into one help anything? I don't think my ex was trying to teach me anything by cheating. I don't really get your murder analogy. Good luck on your journey. I hope you get back to seeing her as a person.

 

to some if not most. having an affair is equal to murder.

ever get that song by rihanna "unfaithful" she refers to her self as a murderer for being unfaithful.

cause you technically "took away his life".

[SummerDreams]

I see the OP has made the decision to take back his wife. I hope he realizes that the life he once had with her is over and the one that will replace it is one with mistrust, uneasiness, doubt, bad feelings. In fact I do agree that tgis couple reconciles just cause there are 4 kids who need them so I wish good luck, for the kids' sake and only.

Edited September 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[purplesorrow]

to some if not most. having an affair is equal to murder.

ever get that song by rihanna "unfaithful" she refers to her self as a murderer for being unfaithful.

cause you technically "took away his life".

 

I'm still breathing.

[beatcuff]

OP, confused in your other thread message #50 you state:

 

"I am not afraid of opposing opinions...If I hear opposing views, but still are able to hold ground on my opinion than I assume my perception is correct. "

 

and yet you lash out at them. how do you expect to get them if you refuse to respect them: you can disagree with the content not the writer.

[sandylee1]

Hi ..I am B's spouse in successful reconciliation ...

 

Having said that ..as insane as it sounds ..yes it's quite possible to build a resentment when your other half having taken care of his role steps into your role (even if its loosely defined) there is a lot of internal conflict that could lead to resentment no matter how good the other intention ....For eg my h takes greater pleasure in his role as a good provider if I were to step in that role and get a better salary ..in time I believe it would build resentment ..no matter how good my intention he would feel I was taking his role and thus taking away what he loves doing or what he considers to be solely his role ...and same goes for me ..even though I love the way he takes care of our baby ...There are some things that I consider solely as my role as a mother ..if he were to step in my role ...It would create internal conflicts ...

 

First of all, the resentment is the least problematic part in this story and it is definitely something I can forgive although I believe her resentment stems from a different reason and source than you mentioned. The problem is the deceit and not talking about the issues; then taking it to a place of cheating. Having done something without harmful intentions and unconsciously is a good ground to say what disturbs you so that I can further avoid the issue. By the way, even when we adhere to those roes help can be sometimes offered. Indeed, as I helped her in many things, she helped me too in many others. Once again, maybe it was such an essential issue. Still talk, don't cheat and that part of resentment I could indeed understand and forgive.

 

I can't believe that a husband being a good caregiver leads to infidelity and resentment. I would LOVE to be in the position of my H doing more of that and the cooking and anything else.

 

What made me resentful as a mom with younger kids, was doing everything myself, or at least most of the childcare and chores. Yet still with that resentment, I never cheated.

 

There's no pleasing some people in this life. Most normal women would love a hands on husband with the kids.