Her story with full details and the Whys!

[autumnnight]

The one who begged, pleaded and was asking me to stay also at the cost of getting the truth with poly was her. The only one that treated me as an object and her property was her. The point at which we are now is her being at need to move mountains and not me. As standing opposed to the home werecker's wet dream, me and probably my wife, understand that I do not have to accept anything of those nice words. I haven't posted the plan but she understand that if she wants to stay in this marriage she has to abondong the home wrecker's moral and not me being being a battered doormat. Those home wrecker who try to teach us morals are in the same way and similar to those murdereres that would teach us about the sanctity of life. So, my wife did not only agree to the poly but offered even more measures than this. So, the point we stand now is a more complex than immediate divorce

 

I believe you need to divorce.

 

What I am about to say is no slam or reflection on you. You are absolutely within your rights to be hurt, angry, and consider cheating a dealbreaker.

 

That said...some men can move through a spouse's A and create a true loving marriage of eventual loving equals. Some cannot.

 

You do not seem to be the type of man who will ever see his WW as anything except tainted and less than you. No shame in that. She did a horrible thing.

 

But when a man is wired that way, the honorable and right thing to do is divorce. There are men all over forums who were not wired to reconcile, who are still married, who are still whining on forums and shutting out their remorseful FWW's. Don't be them. You are stronger than that.

[MrBojangles]

Based on following your previous thread, and your update in this one, your WW has seemingly followed verbatim, a textbook on all of the right actions to take after having cheated on a husband. Yet as a BH, you seem to be very cold and calculating in your handling of the matter. Understandably your emotions are probably still very raw at this point in time. But you may want to take some time, back away and examine your own actions in how you are treating her.

 

 

She may also be giving in to seemingly unreasonable demands by you right now out of shock and fear. Once she has had some time to reflect on what you are asking of her, she may resent you even more. The way your WW has handled this matter, appears that she schooled herself on an internet forum or a book about infidelity before confessing to you. Sooner or later, she may realize that your actions since her confession are a bit off base.

 

 

Recording her confession, polygraph tests... what the hell man? You're setting your marriage / reconciliation up for failure, by treating her like a Gitmo prisoner.

[TX-SC]

Her story sounds plausible. Can you move on from this with her and eventually forgive her? If not, don't drag this out.

[pheonixrisen]

I can't believe that a husband being a good caregiver leads to infidelity and resentment. I would LOVE to be in the position of my H doing more of that and the cooking and anything else.

 

What made me resentful as a mom with younger kids, was doing everything myself, or at least most of the childcare and chores. Yet still with that resentment, I never cheated.

 

There's no pleasing some people in this life. Most normal women would love a hands on husband with the kids.

 

When your h is a greater provider and even better caregiver it should not lead to infedility ...resentment on other hand can arise based on what people feel ...Some may not like that other person takes more of a role thus making them feel inadequate ...as in the case of op wife ....Having said that no matter the resentment the ups and down or the good or bad state of marriage AFFAIR IS NOT THE ANSWER .

 

You felt resentment your husband did not do enough ...op wife felt resentment her h did too much ...TOO EACH THIER OWN but yes it should not have led to an affair or ons in this situation

[Liammackerr]

I really feel for you,the images that must be flashing through your head thinking of her lying there with another mans penis in her.

If she felt horney she should have got into a cab and came right home and made love to you ,that is probably what you are thinking.

But if you are going to make a go of your marriage,you are going to have to get rid of those images ,or cope with them through counciling.

You have got four kids to think of as well,if you can't get over your feelings you must separate as it won't be fair on them or even your wife ,you probably can't even bare to look at her right now .

It is still to early to make a rational choice,but you can't stay married and make her suffer, even if it is 100 percent her fault in both of your eyes.

my wife told me when she was at a family function ,she met an old boyfriend,who she went out with for a couple of years .

The next breath she told me she left early as she was tired and went back to her sister,but my minds eye is she went back back with him which she has denied ,her two sister and nieces have all said she went back on her own ,but I still am finding it hard to beleive (why did she even tell me ?)so what you are having to get through must be unbelievable,when you have been told by her what she did.

Nobody on here can really help you ,you have got to do what is best for you and your kids,but don't beat her with it for the rest of her life ,it will drag you all down ,take more time

[pheonixrisen]

I believe you need to divorce.

 

What I am about to say is no slam or reflection on you. You are absolutely within your rights to be hurt, angry, and consider cheating a dealbreaker.

 

That said...some men can move through a spouse's A and create a true loving marriage of eventual loving equals. Some cannot.

 

You do not seem to be the type of man who will ever see his WW as anything except tainted and less than you. No shame in that. She did a horrible thing.

 

But when a man is wired that way, the honorable and right thing to do is divorce. There are men all over forums who were not wired to reconcile, who are still married, who are still whining on forums and shutting out their remorseful FWW's. Don't be them. You are stronger than that.

 

This ^ a 100 times ....she did wrong ..and betrayed you worst way possible ..you already said in your last thread you cannot forgive this ..let her go even if she is begging to stay ..if in a couple of months or year you feel you are able to forgive her after both of you have gone through counselling ...yyou guys can try again ....their is no point in humiliating her further even if she is okay with it... if you plan to cast her aside any way ....

[m.snow]

I believe you need to divorce.

 

What I am about to say is no slam or reflection on you. You are absolutely within your rights to be hurt, angry, and consider cheating a dealbreaker.

 

That said...some men can move through a spouse's A and create a true loving marriage of eventual loving equals. Some cannot.

 

You do not seem to be the type of man who will ever see his WW as anything except tainted and less than you. No shame in that. She did a horrible thing.

 

But when a man is wired that way, the honorable and right thing to do is divorce. There are men all over forums who were not wired to reconcile, who are still married, who are still whining on forums and shutting out their remorseful FWW's. Don't be them. You are stronger than that.

 

but this case again to remind you is JFO (Just Found Out).

 

Time will tell.

 

you Can Not rush a life changing decision. critical of the 4 special needs children.

 

He has not yet gone through counseling.

 

whether he is to R or D, he will need to have a better understanding of his situation. and how to deal with certain aspects of it.

[66Charger]

GFR, there is no need to war with those that wish to inflict. Simply ignor and move on. There is a hateful lot here, but some who do wish to assist, from both sides.

 

It appears that you are looking for any way not to divorce or more specificaly to find a way to forgive and reconcile AFTER a divorce. The exception. This is probaly why the truth is important. As LS has shown, taking the word of the unfaithful as gospel, is ridiculous. Your wife appears to understand this, and BY HER REQUEST, she us willing to back it up with a poly.

 

The real question appears to be, (and it is typical) Is a ONS less of a crime than a full A. Is the ONS and all its reasons the "exception" that you spoke of.. her reasons appear to be a power struggle. She felt less than, so she acted irrationally . Flirting was her control, that slupped out of control.

 

Whether you find this to be the "exception" to the rule can not be answered by any of us. I think you really have to look at her actions after the fact. If you are looking for advice and opinions, mine would be to divorce. Actions have consequences. But I would also look at trying to keep the possibility of forgiveness and rebuilding only if your "exception" proves true as a viable option.

 

In your last thread, I posted that if any WW deserved reconciliation, it was this one. Based on this new thread, my position hasnt changed. Divorcing is not giving a second chance. Reconnecting after the divorce is accepting the flaw as human, forgiving and building a better tomorrow. You still love this woman deeply. You are still very hurt. But you still havent kicked her to the curb. If what she says proves true, and there is any possibility of a tomorrow with her, you must disarm. Find your truth and accept it. Tomorrow is not today.

 

Be smart now. Dont damage your tomorrow because of today. Strength and Honor.

[66Charger]

Stop warring with posters. Nothing will be accomplished this way. Move on. Stay on point.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

This ^ a 100 times ....she did wrong ..and betrayed you worst way possible ..you already said in your last thread you cannot forgive this ..let her go even if she is begging to stay ..if in a couple of months or year you feel you are able to forgive her after both of you have gone through counselling ...yyou guys can try again ....their is no point in humiliating her further even if she is okay with it... if you plan to cast her aside any way ....

 

I said not only this but you indeed begin to realise that there are more than two sollutions. However, even this has many sub categories. So, we'll see. I won't fit myself in non of the common contingency plan

[stillafool]

Her adultery and confession developed and unfolded like so many others that it's eerie.

 

These instances are so similar: from how she came to think of you, how she viewed her life, her behaviour, her treatment of you, her reasoning and thought processes, her thinking how crazy her thoughts were; as well as her disdain and derogatory remarks about the other man and his sexual performance, her praise of your relations and comparing you favourably over him, the sudden realization immediately afterhaving sex with him of what she had with you, down to her taking a bath (normally a shower) and sleeping next to you that night.

 

I really feel for you, I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

 

Unfortunately I felt the same thing while reading OP first post. Why do all of the cheating wives say the same thing about the OMs sexual performance in comparison to their husbands? Because they know if they dare said the OM was a stud they were craving and that's why they ended up in OMs hotel room and bed there would be no reconciliation. Cheating women know better than cheating men that they have to stroke their husbands sexual ego to get back with him. These women pretend to be confused and taken advantage of by the OM therefore they maintain some sort of innocence while making the OM seem like a villian. Sadly, it seems to work.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

GFR, there is no need to war with those that wish to inflict. Simply ignor and move on. There is a hateful lot here, but some who do wish to assist, from both sides.

 

It appears that you are looking for any way not to divorce or more specificaly to find a way to forgive and reconcile AFTER a divorce. The exception. This is probaly why the truth is important. As LS has shown, taking the word of the unfaithful as gospel, is ridiculous. Your wife appears to understand this, and BY HER REQUEST, she us willing to back it up with a poly.

 

The real question appears to be, (and it is typical) Is a ONS less of a crime than a full A. Is the ONS and all its reasons the "exception" that you spoke of.. her reasons appear to be a power struggle. She felt less than, so she acted irrationally . Flirting was her control, that slupped out of control.

 

Whether you find this to be the "exception" to the rule can not be answered by any of us. I think you really have to look at her actions after the fact. If you are looking for advice and opinions, mine would be to divorce. Actions have consequences. But I would also look at trying to keep the possibility of forgiveness and rebuilding only if your "exception" proves true as a viable option.

 

In your last thread, I posted that if any WW deserved reconciliation, it was this one. Based on this new thread, my position hasnt changed. Divorcing is not giving a second chance. Reconnecting after the divorce is accepting the flaw as human, forgiving and building a better tomorrow. You still love this woman deeply. You are still very hurt. But you still havent kicked her to the curb. If what she says proves true, and there is any possibility of a tomorrow with her, you must disarm. Find your truth and accept it. Tomorrow is not today.

 

Be smart now. Dont damage your tomorrow because of today. Strength and Honor.

 

 

You are on spot with your observations. We actually try both to see how it can be accomplished. For sure and she completely understands it, it will not be achieved by setting and exposing me to more hurt, betrayal and agony through her changing and fixing process. What this forum maybe taught me is not only that in SOME, I say maybe in SOME, cases their might be exceptions but maybe that there are morally even more rotten people than the way she have behaved pre and in the affiar (ONS). As I said you are on spot with what you said and I think alot about what another poster suggested (CGILES). Later I will post in a knew thread the plan we are trying to work out.

Edited September 24, 2015 by GrandFunkRailroad

[William]

Folks these things never go well so I'm just going to moderate people when they go off the topic and attack each other.

 

I think it's better that way all the way around.

 

Responses from the thread starter may be delayed.

[Sastrugi]

By move on I mean divorce. I feel for him. But this couple will not recover with what he is doing. What would he do if she refused to be treated like his property?

 

I do not know ANYONE who would put up with what he is doing. In fact the only place I see this treatment is here or Jerry Springer

 

Goody, you are over the top wrong on this. GFR WS could have refused to take the poly. She choose on her own free will to do this to try and repair the damage she caused to the relationship, in an effort to prove she was telling the truth. WS can bail anytime she feels like the M is not worth it.

 

Goodyblue, many WS spouces end up taking Poly's, we read about it all the time on these forum pages. I believe it was even suggested in GFR other post to do so.

 

BTW - it is pretty standard procedure to record poly test.

 

As M. Snow keeps pointing out. Op JUST FOUND OUT. Let them get through this initial trauma.

 

With that said, OP i would think twice about having your WS take another poly. Settle down and digest what you just learned. Form where i sit, It really seems like your WS is being open and honest.

 

Now would be the time to talk to a professional counselor and chart a path forward, what ever that may be.

 

Wish you well.

 

S.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

GFR, there is no need to war with those that wish to inflict. Simply ignor and move on. There is a hateful lot here, but some who do wish to assist, from both sides.

 

It appears that you are looking for any way not to divorce or more specificaly to find a way to forgive and reconcile AFTER a divorce. The exception. This is probaly why the truth is important. As LS has shown, taking the word of the unfaithful as gospel, is ridiculous. Your wife appears to understand this, and BY HER REQUEST, she us willing to back it up with a poly.

 

The real question appears to be, (and it is typical) Is a ONS less of a crime than a full A. Is the ONS and all its reasons the "exception" that you spoke of.. her reasons appear to be a power struggle. She felt less than, so she acted irrationally . Flirting was her control, that slupped out of control.

 

Whether you find this to be the "exception" to the rule can not be answered by any of us. I think you really have to look at her actions after the fact. If you are looking for advice and opinions, mine would be to divorce. Actions have consequences. But I would also look at trying to keep the possibility of forgiveness and rebuilding only if your "exception" proves true as a viable option.

 

In your last thread, I posted that if any WW deserved reconciliation, it was this one. Based on this new thread, my position hasnt changed. Divorcing is not giving a second chance. Reconnecting after the divorce is accepting the flaw as human, forgiving and building a better tomorrow. You still love this woman deeply. You are still very hurt. But you still havent kicked her to the curb. If what she says proves true, and there is any possibility of a tomorrow with her, you must disarm. Find your truth and accept it. Tomorrow is not today.

 

Be smart now. Dont damage your tomorrow because of today. Strength and Honor.

 

Whether you find this to be the "exception" to the rule can not be answered by any of us. I think you really have to look at her actions after the fact. If you are looking for advice and opinions, mine would be to divorce. Actions have consequences. But I would also look at trying to keep the possibility of forgiveness and rebuilding only if your "exception" proves true as a viable option.

 

Basically, I agree with you. Yet, it depends a lot on how you build everything after the divorce. If I will follow the loonatics that suggest me to soak up the cheaters stories and expose me to further abuse, it will happen exactly as you say, which my wife understands on her own. However, if you protect yourself correctly and do not give anything until the person deserves it, than it might work. The days of being taken granted are over; once someone has abused a privilege, he must understand that not only it will take time to gain this privilege again but one must be worthy of it. My wife seems to understand it.. So, once again still not sure how everything will work out, but I know in that specific situation it must be taken seriously into consideration and not dissmised.

[World's.Edge]

I'm unaware of any (if any) acts of cruelty by GrandFunkRailroad towards his wife in his previous thread, but in this one, all he mentions is having his wife take a polygraph and the possibilty of another, and apparently that is outrageous. It's a polygraph, come on:confused:. It's not a medieval torture device or some form of cruel and unusual punishment. No one is "subjected" to a polygraph test, one takes a polygraph test in the same manner as one takes their blood pressure.

 

You sit in a chair, and you're attached to a few apparatus that measure and record physiological changes in your body while you answer questions. You're not tied down, bound or gagged. There's no pain and you can literally stand up and walk away if you want to or take a selfie.

 

Infidelity, amongst other things, obliterates the betrayed spouse's trust in their husband/wife. Their words, intentions and very movements are suspect.

 

Trust is not inconsequential, even in this thread pheonixrisen writes that three years out from discovering her husband's affair, her marriage is better but she still doesn't fully trust him.

 

Infidelity is trauamtic, and paranoia, distrust and hypervigilance are common after a trauma. The betrayed spouse is compelled to seek information and answers. Grand's way happens to involve a polygraph.

 

Furthermore, cheaters lie. How many betrayed spouses thought they had the entire truth from their spouse? How many have experienced the horror that is trickle-truth, partial disclosure or outright lies and deception after discovering the affair?

I know someone who discovered months later that her husband's affair was three years longer than he had originally stated.

[ladydesigner]

It's actually not unusual at all for a BS to request a polygraph. Most WS's lie about their A and the BS needs details as to how to proceed D or R.

[ladydesigner]

Unfortunately I felt the same thing while reading OP first post. Why do all of the cheating wives say the same thing about the OMs sexual performance in comparison to their husbands? Because they know if they dare said the OM was a stud they were craving and that's why they ended up in OMs hotel room and bed there would be no reconciliation. Cheating women know better than cheating men that they have to stroke their husbands sexual ego to get back with him. These women pretend to be confused and taken advantage of by the OM therefore they maintain some sort of innocence while making the OM seem like a villian. Sadly, it seems to work.

 

I think this is almost every WS's MO, men or women. My WH first told me they were just friends who kissed, that he was helping her with her abusive M When i found out it was actually PA he went on and on about how it wasn't good, she looked bad yadda yadda... all not true. My WH's A ended up being 3 years in total. I'm pretty sure the sex was good and their connection was strong or his A would have never gone underground. It all came at my expense.

[aliveagain]

If this is what it takes for you to give her a shot at reconciliation than this is what you need to do and nothing less. Wayward's are always rewriting the marriage to justify their infidelity, the guys are always uglier, it always lasts two minutes, they never enjoy the sex and they never use protection yet your wife was in this cheap hotel room with her legs wrapped around some ugly guy. She had a hundred chances to stop it and remove herself from the situation but did nothing until he finished in her. GrandFunkRairoad you do whatever you need to do regardless of what some others may post, this is your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Unfortunately I felt the same thing while reading OP first post. Why do all of the cheating wives say the same thing about the OMs sexual performance in comparison to their husbands? Because they know if they dare said the OM was a stud they were craving and that's why they ended up in OMs hotel room and bed there would be no reconciliation. Cheating women know better than cheating men that they have to stroke their husbands sexual ego to get back with him. These women pretend to be confused and taken advantage of by the OM therefore they maintain some sort of innocence while making the OM seem like a villian. Sadly, it seems to work.

 

Probably for the same reason cheating husbands minimize the emotional part of the affair. How many times do you read "It was just sex"???

 

The WS think they're doing their BS a service by down-playing that portion of the A that would be most hurtful. It's not coincidental that it also maximizes their chance for successful reconciliation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Got it]

I would think, and this is coming from someone with no reconciliation experience so a grain of salt please, but the requirements, needs, and expectations are decided between the two parties. I do think some analysis of whether is able to forgive would need to be accessed but that may take some time. I am neutral on polygraphs as they have their pros and cons but if both parties agree then so be it.

 

I do definitely recommend therapy as both the OP and his wife need to talk to someone one on one to help work on their own issues/feelings/emotions as well as with a MC to help move them forward together.

 

I don't know, putting myself in the OPs shoes, if I could forgive right away, ever forgive, or what I would need. I have not been a BS. But, knowing myself, all the nitty gritty details is something I would probably push for because I deep dive everything. That is just who I am. So I need to know the full landscape before I could make a decision.

 

I think the OP has shown that while he has stated he couldn't reconcile his actions are showing he may not be ready to throw the towel in. I don't think that is abnormal and would imagine it is a process.

 

As long as they are both communicating and he is being transparent with her on his feelings about divorce and reconciliation and she is being transparent with her feelings on things and they are accepting requests from each other then that is between them and acceptable.

 

I would imagine, that this early on, the WS is understanding that they may do everything that doesn't result in reconciliation. That is the gamble they are taking due to their actions. Just like the BS couldn't control or influence the WS from their actions it would be true vice versa.

 

I think it has been advised to give these levels of decisions a year. That sounds reasonable. I would hope at the year mark the OP would know by then if he can reconcile or not and will be upfront and honest with his wife.

[Confusedovo]

I've gotta be honest...reading your thread gave me alarm bells. I know youre going through a really tough time if she cheated, but I think you're being over controlling. And the way you talked about her too. The names. I just get a different feeling than other BSs. Have you always had a controlling side to you? Do you usually refer to her in the way you have in here?

 

That being said, if she really said all of that on the poly (you must have a very good memory) then she's full of BS. It sounds very made up. I don't believe, personally, for a second that she found him revolting while she let him do those things to her. No way. If she really said that, she's just downplaying hoping iy won't hurt you/your relationship as much.

 

But man, you can't keep doing this. You either need to walk away or work on your marriage. Of course you're going to have questions etc. But I'm sorry, the extent you have gone to is pretty creepy imo. And if that carries on, that's getting into abuse categories. Let her go if you have to, but don't just punish her for the rest of her life.

[SummerDreams]

What I can't understand is, even if a BS knows every single detail of the A, why is that helpful? The trust has already been lost. This feeling that I can trust my spouse with my life, the desire to have a family or a life together until we are old, the easiness when I see him and so on, they are all gone. I honestly see no way to bring them back, even if I admit that what he did was a mistake, even if I believe he only loves me and begs for my forgiveness, I will forgive him and even forget in time, but this trust and intimacy without boundaries will never come back.

[Spectre]

Dude I said it before: your wife has no love or respect for you. Just divorce. Of course she told you she didn't like the sex and it didn't compare to you. That is the line that is always given in cases like this. Even if she hated the sex..it still happened, so it is irrelevant.

 

It doesn't matter how many tests you give her, at the end of the day she still had sex with another man. Thus, she just doesn't love or respect you. It is that simple, like 2 plus 2 equals 4.

Edited September 24, 2015 by Spectre

[ladydesigner]

What I can't understand is, even if a BS knows every single detail of the A, why is that helpful? The trust has already been lost. This feeling that I can trust my spouse with my life, the desire to have a family or a life together until we are old, the easiness when I see him and so on, they are all gone. I honestly see no way to bring them back, even if I admit that what he did was a mistake, even if I believe he only loves me and begs for my forgiveness, I will forgive him and even forget in time, but this trust and intimacy without boundaries will never come back.

 

You are absolutely right! It won't ever come back.

 

The details of the A were important to me. I needed to know WHO my WH REALLY is and what he was capable of. If I would've taken my WH at his word, his A never happened. My WH lied straight through his teeth (and that says a lot about him).