New member...married man with delicate ?

[BuckS]

This is one for the ladies. I'm a happily married man going on 13 years w/three kids. I love my wife, she's a good mom and not afraid to work hard at her career.

 

Since I was in college, I have always been into weightlifting, exercising, eating right, etc. I am approaching the big 40 and am determined to keep a body that most 20 year old young studs would be envious of. I'm not vain, but it's something that is a lifestyle issue for me. It is a source of self esteem and accomplishment in my life. However it is not an obsession, my family will always come first. I love the fact that I'm the only guy in our circle of friends that hasn't surrendered themselves to the typical 40 year old balding, big gut, syndrome.

 

When we first got married, my wife always kept herself looking good. Even after 3 kids she worked hard to maintain herself physically. She's not the gymrat I am, but she was never shy to jogging, aerobics, etc.

 

Over the last several years, as I have worked harder to maintain myself physically...she has not. As a result she has also lost interest in the bedroom, (when you don't feel good about yourself physically, it's tough to feel sexual). Our sex frequency is about once every 8 or 9 days. We have even gone upwards of 2 or 3 weeks at times without it. I use to make the moves on her regularly, but after you get turned down so many times you no longer try. I'd rather go to bed horny then deal with another, "oh honey tonite, sigh?...honey I'm sorry I have a headache...tired...etc" . Frustration doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

Worst of all, I am losing attraction towards her...this scares me more then anything else. Maybe that's why I don't try anymore. And no, I haven't ever entertained the thought of cheating.

 

So here's the big question...how the hell do I tell my wife that I'm losing physical attraction to her without it being a dagger through her heart?

 

Am I being a selfish/shallow pig?

[laRubiaBonita]

have you pre-read the umpteen-million post already on the boards about this issue?

 

Welcome to LS!

[BuckS]

sorry,

 

I guess the tough part is trying to figure out exactly what word(s) to put in the search field. Kinda like looking up John Smith in the NYC phone book.

[laRubiaBonita]

look in the infidelity, and marriage boards.......scroll through.

[whichwayisup]

Have you TOLD her how much you love her? Made her feel good about herself? Done romantic things for her? Maybe she wants some intimacy to feel the desire to make love. Maybe she's really really busy with the kids, doesn't have the same time to put into working out.

 

3 kids is ALOT of work. Does she work as well? Between housework, kids and everyday things - cleaning, cooking, taking kids to DR's, afterschool sports etc, I am sure she just doesn't have the same energy she had before and would rather relax and enjoy than go run and workout to feel fit and look good.

 

Are you shallow? Hmmmm....I think you COULD be if you tell her you don't find her sexually attractive anymore. It's not only the physical part of why you're losing attraction to her, you are feeling she doesn't love you because she's not putting out as she did before too. So, do a weekend Getaway! Be fun and silly together! Spend time together and enjoy what brought you together in the first place...Reminance about earlier times!

 

I think if you both put in effort alot will come out. But don't put blame on her, communicate how you feel - not to hurt her, but to let her know TOGETHER the marriage has to be kept alive.

[brashgal]

...not as attracted...

...not as romantic...

...husband thinks I'm fat...

you'll see the titles in the marriage forum too - I saw five or six in the first couple pages...

[BuckS]

I'll make sure not to post again until I have an original question, (ie, "I think my spouse is cheating on me, how can I be sure?")

[laRubiaBonita]

no, no, no......buckS, post when ever.

 

i was just trying to give you helpful advice, on a frequent topic.

[Moose]

communication, communication, communication

 

How the hell is anyone going to fix anything if they don't know what's broke? Talk to her, openly, and honestly.

[BuckS]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Have you TOLD her how much you love her? Made her feel good about herself? Done romantic things for her? Maybe she wants some intimacy to feel the desire to make love. Maybe she's really really busy with the kids, doesn't have the same time to put into working out.

 

3 kids is ALOT of work. Does she work as well? Between housework, kids and everyday things - cleaning, cooking, taking kids to DR's, afterschool sports etc, I am sure she just doesn't have the same energy she had before and would rather relax and enjoy than go run and workout to feel fit and look good.

 

Are you shallow? Hmmmm....I think you COULD be if you tell her you don't find her sexually attractive anymore. It's not only the physical part of why you're losing attraction to her, you are feeling she doesn't love you because she's not putting out as she did before too. So, do a weekend Getaway! Be fun and silly together! Spend time together and enjoy what brought you together in the first place...Reminance about earlier times!

 

I think if you both put in effort alot will come out. But don't put blame on her, communicate how you feel - not to hurt her, but to let her know TOGETHER the marriage has to be kept alive.

 

I probably don't tell her as much as I could. I probably don't work at doing romantic things as hard as I could. But I probably do more of these things for her then she does for me.

 

I don't accept the, "maybe she's tired from work, kids, etc excuse". The stereotypical scenario of a man working all day, coming home and plopping hiself on the couch waiting to be waited on by his housewife is NOT our scenario. I am self employed and manage to run the kids to practice, make dinners, rehab our 100 year old house, and help with the household chores too. I pay the major bills, she works 4 days a week and her salary goes to the "kids and household stuff". I appreciate everything she does, her hard work ethic was one of the reasons I married her, (I knew she wasn't going to stay home, sit on the couch and eat bonbons all day).

 

You make some good points. I may need to work harder at trying to make her feel good about herself. But let's face it, inevitably true self esteem has to come from within.

[brashgal]

Could be medical too - thyroid, depression, perimenopause - when was her last complete physical?

[whichwayisup]

You make some good points. I may need to work harder at trying to make her feel good about herself. But let's face it, inevitably true self esteem has to come from within.

 

Yes, I agree, but if you want more action in the bedroom, want your wife to desire YOU, then you gotta do some of the leg work...Flirt with her, and tell her she's beautiful. If she is down or abit depressed, she is going to need some extra attention from you to make her feel loved and sexy.

 

I think if you told her how you are feeling, (not about her not turning you on anymore - That will land ya the sleepless nights on the couch! ) then she can do some of the leg work as well. Gotta each put in 100% not just 50-50. Marriage IS hard work, and what you put into it is most likely what you get out of it as well.

 

PS-Keep on posting, ignore the comments about TOO many threads about this particular subject. You're here for help so don't even worry about what 'not to post.'

[Mz. Pixie]

I went throught his but in reverse.

 

My exh had gained alot of weight. He would never diet or exercise. As a matter of fact, he was almost to 300 lbs. He was uncomfortable in his clothes, not to mention it was hard to purchase things for him that fit. I have kept myself the same size for several years- as a matter of fact I weigh what I weighed 9 years ago before I was pregnant.

 

I had tried everything to get him to take the weight off without telling him it was turning me off. Our marriage had other issues but this was just one of them.

 

In counseling with my pastor I revealed this. He asked me if I'd ever told him and I said no I didn't want to hurt his feelings. In our joint session he told my exh that he'd neglected his appearance and that was important in a marriage. He was matter of fact about it but made it clear that my exh needed to work on that in order to keep me happy.

 

If you look at the marriage builders site that everyone is so fond of, there are parts in there about keeping yourself attractive for your mate. It's not completely shallow to want someone to take care of themselves a bit, IMO.

[FolderWife]

If you point out that she isn't as hot as you, she's not going to want to be with you. If you point out the hot women around her, she's not going to want to be with you. If you mention that she could or should exercise more, she's not going to want to be with you.

 

If you tell her how beautiful she is, how proud of her you are, and that you admire how hard she works for your family, THEN she'll want to be with you BIG TIME. If you make an effort to help her feel sexy, she will probably jump your bones.

 

When my husband says, "You're beautiful" and kisses me, it's a guarantee that we will have sex later. When he says, "Watch your dimples" in reference to my thighs, I don't want to speak to him for a week

 

So if you are encouraging her to improve herself...you're not going to get lucky. If you compliment her and make her feel appreciated, loved, and beautiful, you'll get lucky.

 

THEREFORE, if you say, "Honey, you've turned me down for sex so much that I'm not really attracted to you any more..." you might as well forget ever having sex with her again. If you say, "Gosh, you are so HOT! I just love to look at your sexy *insert body part*. I love you...you're beautiful."

 

Oh yeah....the bed will be squeaking tonight!

[Moose]

When my husband says, "You're beautiful" and kisses me, it's a guarantee that we will have sex later.

GEEEEEZ! That never happens at my house. Mrs. Moose is a little hottie and I make damn sure she knows it........but do I get any when I do this? NO!!! Sometimes I wonder what we'd be like together Monday.....I know your husband is an idiot!

[New_Wife]

First off, congratulations! You have already invested quite a few years into this marraige and you care enough to find out how to express your feelings without hurting hers!

 

That is so hopeful!

 

I second the perimenopausal/hormonal suggestion - be sure she's had a physical lately. Also, as my kids aged - I found myself conflicted sometimes between feeling sexual when my kids were coming into their sexuality right before my eyes. I felt old or innappropriate - hard to explain exactly what it was. Doesn't always happen - but once in a while I'll just catch a weird vibe about being a sexual being and the mother of burgeoning sexual beings.

 

Please talk to your wife. Tell her that you want to talk about something, and you want to share some ideas and brainstorm how to get a bit of passion back. Ask her what she needs - what changes she wants in these new years of your marraige - and what scares her. You might both be surprised at the changes and undcurrents that have slipped under the radar here and there.

 

I'm not so sure that the words matter as much as the tone and intent. I'd leave the figure portion out during your first conversation - that might solve itself with the others. But in that first convo - perhaps the most obvious self-esteem busters should wait.

 

Take care!

[Jas]

I definitely agree w/ Monday's opinion.

Tell her everything she's ALREADY doubting right now. That she's beautiful, smart, great mother etc.

Do you think she's not uber-aware of any change in her body?

Trust me, she noticed it before any other human eye could tell a difference!

 

Then, after you've tried to re-establish some emotional intimacy, maybe try

to involve her in things she may like to do w/ you physically. I think sometimes

we just get bored w/ the same old workout routine. Maybe something new

would rev her up a bit. Suggest dance lessons? Romantic and a great workout!

 

I'm sort of going through some body image issues myself and I would die if my fiance

mentioned a waning attraction. It is a priority of mine to get back into a routine, and knowing he loves me

regardless motivates me even more. I WANT to look as good as I can FOR my man and

my health.

 

Good luck!

[OneFaith]

Hmmm...

 

Just a comment to those who said there's plenty of topics around that "resemble" the issue this man "BuckS" and suggest him to go read elsewhere without comment addressing his issue. I realize that it was meant well by saying, "here's tons of threads that are going through the same thing, you may be able to relate -- but still, its his first post.

 

Each person's experience is unique. When someone posts here for their first time, it is either anxiety or hurt that brings them here in the first place. That is what brought me here about a week ago. I was in tears when I made my first post, I could barely see the screen, my hands were shaking and was in emotional turmoil. No matter how silly I sounded to you all -- I was still hurting. Just as BuckS is.

 

My take on it is, no matter how much it "sounds" like the other person's scenerio, we are still individuals, because everything and everyone are NOT the same -- even if it appears to be that way. There are different factors/variables involved -- people involved, emotional needs, and support. It is how we view our own issue at the time. It's an emotional emergency when a person is needing someone/anyone to respond with kindness and words of wisdom/experience and not with a cold, "take a look around there's plenty just like you threads here" type response.

 

Who wants to go searching through 1000 threads to read someone else's post to gain support when they took to "write" out for their very first time right here and hope to receive some support back instantaneously?

 

The lazy thing to say is, "hey read the forums, there's plenty of people who go through what you're going through." That doesn't take away what BuckS is feeling, at least individually -- no matter how comparable to others it may be.

 

BuckS -- I think its great that you came forward concerned by expressing your thoughts and feelings. I think it is a good sign that you are delving yourself into the "what can I do to make things better attitude". It's a start.

 

All I do know from my own experience, is that it does take two. It's not "she's the one" or "he's the one" who is not doing anything. Everything has a cause and effect in a relationship. Its not BuckS doing a one man show with BuckS as the audience with no wife participation or BuckS rowing the boat doing all the work, while BuckS's wife files her nails taking in the ethereal delights as her husband sweats it out. Two people make up a relationship. Relationship means "relating". Relate to her. Talk to her. Keep the rawness of your vunerability and expose it/ express it in a mature manner and a nondefensive manner. See where it takes you.