I have never cheated on my fiance till now

[hakf3945]

I am going to try to make this as short as possible .I have been with my fiance for 9 years.we finally set a date to get married next year.I love my fiance with all of my heart but I did somthing I can not take back and if I tell him I loose him forever and I do not want to loose him.i have been seeing another married man for a few weeks.I have never cheated on my fiance till now.I dont know why I am even doing this.I have had sex with the married man 2 times.the first time I didnt feel bad at all but I did it again last night and after it happened i felt so guilty.he took me to his house because his wife is out of town and we work at a place where we get off at like 2:30-3:00 in the morning or somtimes later.when I walked into his place there is pictures all over his living room of him and his wife and 2 children.I dont even know why I started this afair.I guess he just knew exactly what to say.I cant tell my fiance or I loose him and I cant loose him because he is my life/world.I need advice on how to tell the married man I cant see him anymore and can not continue this affair.I wish I never started this but its too late for that but I need to stop it before it goes any further.please help me.I will take any advice at this time.i know I am probably gonna hear a lot of negative things but I dont care I just need advice on how to get out of this situation.so anyone with advice please help me I am desperate.

[fellini]

You tell the married man it's over and you stop seeing him. And you make it clear it's REALLY OVER.

 

So let's break it down into steps:

 

• you tell the married man you are through
  
• you stop being with him
  

 

If you cannot do those two things then you should call off the marriage.

[harrybrown]

You need to stop all contact with your AP.

 

one way to do this, is to let him know that you will tell his wife and your SO.

 

Do not go into the marriage with this secret. You will build a wall between your SO to hide your A.

 

You must have made some decisions to allow the AP to get his far.

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

just think about how your SO would feel. So think of your SO having this A.

 

Would you like it? If not, in order to stop, ask your SO for help, by telling him about your A. If you really love him, you would not continue to be selfish and keep this from him.

 

Spend more time with your SO and stay away from your AP.

 

He does not love you.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited September 24, 2015 by harrybrown
how did you meet the AP? If you work with him, get a different job.

[hakf3945]

Thanks for the advice.I am gonna talk to married man tonite at work and tell him I cant see him anymore.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm not going to judge you, ( ) but I will sincerely and urgently recommend you do two things:

One: Delay your marriage.

Two: Get counselling to get to the bottom of why on earth you would jeopardise your relationship by having a car-crash affair.

 

Something inside your psyche is resistant to your fiance.

 

you need to determine first, what that is.

Secondly, whether it can be overcome.

 

The solution to a problem, is not in simply finding it....

[fellini]

Thanks for the advice.I am gonna talk to married man tonite at work and tell him I cant see him anymore.

 

Don't "talk to and tell him", just "tell him"

 

And don't say "I cant see you anymore", tell him "It's over": THERE IS NOTHING TO DISCUSS.

 

Can't is for people who say "I want to, but ..."

[DKT3]

This isn't a complicated situation. You don't want to continue the affair, then stop. Its really that simple. The after that you can't remain friendly with this guy.

 

Here it the problem, you don't want to stop. And until you want to you won't. If you really wanted to stop you would have. Once the guilt hit you would have said "look we won't be doing this anymore, my relationship is too important to risk by doing this and if you continue to get me in bed I will be telling your wife" boom its over.

 

As to why? I don't think that's all that complicated either...You don't want to get married. Your with this guy a decade and next cheated, you set a date and start cheating, what's complicated about that?

[Spectre]

Tell your fiancé you cheated so he can go find someone better. He deserves to know about this massive betrayal so he can begin to move on with his life and begin a life that does not include you in it.

[road]

You must go NC with the OM right now. Then you have to tell your BF what you did.

 

 

At least you can start to show remorse by telling your BF that NC is in place because you quit that job.

[stillafool]

The fact that you two have been engaged for 9 years is very telling. Also that you like this MM so much that you will go into his home where his wife and children sleep to have sex with him. Break up with your fiancee and find someone you REALLY want to be with. You do not love your fiancee. I think you know how to tell MM you want to stop sex with him, you don't need us to tell you how to make him stop.

[BetrayedH]

Your fiance deserves to be able to make an informed decision about marrying you. He doesn't deserve to be tricked into marrying you.

 

You made a poor decision. Own it and quit trying to avoid the consequences. Hiding your affair is just one more selfish decision that your fiance doesn't deserve.

 

There's no guarantee your fiance will leave. You'd be surprised how many betrayed partners will try to find forgiveness. You should focus on deserving it. That's really your only hope of salvaging a marriage from this. Otherwise, even if you marry, it'll just be a sham and you'll know it. That will preclude any real intimacy between you and you'll probably just find yourself cheating again later on down the line because you're "not happy."

[kgcolonel]

Thanks for the advice.I am gonna talk to married man tonite at work and tell him I cant see him anymore.

 

And tell him no contact. Otherwise until you determine why you did this he will be able to pull you back in.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're being told in no uncertain terms to reveal this affair to your fiance.

I never said you should do that, but I definitely agree with that advice.

By determining that he is your fiance (and not "just" a BF) and given that you had a date set to marry him next year, one can say you are pretty much committed and exclusively dedicated to each other.

 

The marriage will therefore be a total sham.

 

Part of the vows are to cleave to one another alone.

That means being faithful and honest.

I hate to tell you, but you've completely pulverised one vow before even reaching the altar.

 

You honestly think you'll be able to look him in the eye, in front of all your guests, and promise to be faithful unto him, knowing what you have been doing all this time?

 

Really?

Think you'll be able to carry that off without feeling sick with remorse, and knowing, as you say those lines, how dishonest you are being?

 

THAT is why it's vital you both delay the marriage - and confess your affair.

You cannot carry on living a lie with a man who has vowed to dedicate his life to you by marrying you - not if, as you claim, you love him as much as you do.

 

Which is why I strongly also urged therapy.

 

Because people who love, don't hurt people they love.

Something is seriously wrong with this picture: Isn't it?

[onemanband]

Hate to say it but he will find out

[maaz3231]

I believe it is very important to tell your fiancé. If you don't, you will begin the marriage with a lie. It's only fair that he knows what happened and then he make an informed decisions as to whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you or not. He should also be aware of the health risks you have presented to him. The OM does not matter at all. Just tell him your done and will not contact him ever again. His wife deserves to know, but that's his business to figure out. If anything, I hope you learned how devastating something like this can be to so many people. Good Luck.

[Buckeye2]

This isn't a complicated situation. You don't want to continue the affair, then stop. Its really that simple. The after that you can't remain friendly with this guy.

 

Here it the problem, you don't want to stop. And until you want to you won't. If you really wanted to stop you would have. Once the guilt hit you would have said "look we won't be doing this anymore, my relationship is too important to risk by doing this and if you continue to get me in bed I will be telling your wife" boom its over.

 

As to why? I don't think that's all that complicated either...You don't want to get married. Your with this guy a decade and NEVER cheated, you set a date and start cheating, what's complicated about that?

 

This is spot on. Just changed "next" to "never" above.

[Mr. Lucky]

The fact that you two have been engaged for 9 years is very telling.

 

Had the same thought. 9 years to commit to marriage with her fiance, a few weeks to start an affair with her MM.

 

.when I walked into his place there is pictures all over his living room of him and his wife and 2 children.

 

Interesting that you note this now but it had no stopping effect at the time. Actions speak louder than words, doesn't seem you want to be in either relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I'm not going to jump and say tell your fiancé....BUT you will marrying him under false pretences. Can you live with that?

 

Are you committed to your fiancé?

What made you start this affair? Because I'm sure you weren't just regular coworkers , who one day had sex? It started before that?

 

What would make you not sleep with someone else? Even if you end it with this guy.

 

What if anything 's missing from your relationship that allowed you to go down this road? I would add that whatever it is, you have chosen the wrong way to handle it.

 

You said this MM knew what to say, right? That's because you probably spoke about your relationship and elements you weren't happy with. That was the start of the slippery slope.

 

If you're not happy with your fiancé, then end the engagement, as you'll just do it again. You may just have become used to being with him and can't imagine not being with him....that doesn't always mean love.

 

Somewhere along the way, you crossed the boundaries even before you slept with the OM, I suggest you read 'not just friends ' by Linda Macdonald to assist with this.

 

If you were able to know within yourself you would NEVER EVER cheat on him, that would be one thing, but from your post, I don't get that feeling.

 

Would you want to marry him if you knew he cheated and you hadn't?

 

BTW I must give you props for having a conscience on seeing the family photos. Imagine your H doing that in years to come. Bringing a woman into your home to have sex, with photos of your kids on the wall. Nice guy eh.

[Sassy Girl]

I'm not going to jump and say tell your fiancé....BUT you will marrying him under false pretences. Can you live with that?

 

Are you committed to your fiancé?

What made you start this affair? Because I'm sure you weren't just regular coworkers , who one day had sex? It started before that?

 

What would make you not sleep with someone else? Even if you end it with this guy.

 

What if anything 's missing from your relationship that allowed you to go down this road? I would add that whatever it is, you have chosen the wrong way to handle it.

 

You said this MM knew what to say, right? That's because you probably spoke about your relationship and elements you weren't happy with. That was the start of the slippery slope.

 

If you're not happy with your fiancé, then end the engagement, as you'll just do it again. You may just have become used to being with him and can't imagine not being with him....that doesn't always mean love.

 

Somewhere along the way, you crossed the boundaries even before you slept with the OM, I suggest you read 'not just friends ' by Linda Macdonald to assist with this.

 

If you were able to know within yourself you would NEVER EVER cheat on him, that would be one thing, but from your post, I don't get that feeling.

 

Would you want to marry him if you knew he cheated and you hadn't?

 

BTW I must give you props for having a conscience on seeing the family photos. Imagine your H doing that in years to come. Bringing a woman into your home to have sex, with photos of your kids on the wall. Nice guy eh.

 

Didn't stop her having sex with him though... What's that about?

[Marc878]

You can't possibly marry your fiancé.

 

It's all based on a lie.

 

Let him go. No one deserves this.

 

You are selfish and thinking only of yourself. Why screw up his life to?????

 

You'll just do it again.

[sandylee1]

Didn't stop her having sex with him though... What's that about?

 

Just trying not to totally beat the OP down. Bear in mind many OW have no issue about sleeping in the OMs marital bed and seeing family pics.

 

I'm not saying she deserves a medal, but her conscience pricked her , hopefully enough to end it.

 

Let's face it, you don't need family pics to know you're doing the wrong thing.

[sheberiding]

I guess we will be reading about this here in future by either you future husband when he finds out or you when he finds out. YES he will find out it is only a matter of time. Just when you start to put it out of your mind and things seem good that's when it will happen.

[Spectre]

You're being told in no uncertain terms to reveal this affair to your fiance.

I never said you should do that, but I definitely agree with that advice.

By determining that he is your fiance (and not "just" a BF) and given that you had a date set to marry him next year, one can say you are pretty much committed and exclusively dedicated to each other.

 

Even if it was just a boyfriend he deserves to know about huge betrayals like this.

[Spectre]

Just trying not to totally beat the OP down. Bear in mind many OW have no issue about sleeping in the OMs marital bed and seeing family pics.

 

I'm not saying she deserves a medal, but her conscience pricked her , hopefully enough to end it.

 

Let's face it, you don't need family pics to know you're doing the wrong thing.

 

Thing is her conscience should of pricked her when this prick first pricked her. It didn't. So the photo thing is too little and far too late.

 

May I also ask why in your other post you said you weren't going to jump and tell her to tell her fiancé?

[autumnnight]

Your fiance deserves to be able to make an informed decision about marrying you. He doesn't deserve to be tricked into marrying you.

 

You made a poor decision. Own it and quit trying to avoid the consequences. Hiding your affair is just one more selfish decision that your fiance doesn't deserve.

 

There's no guarantee your fiance will leave. You'd be surprised how many betrayed partners will try to find forgiveness. You should focus on deserving it. That's really your only hope of salvaging a marriage from this. Otherwise, even if you marry, it'll just be a sham and you'll know it. That will preclude any real intimacy between you and you'll probably just find yourself cheating again later on down the line because you're "not happy."

 

This is excellent advice. Cutting things off with the married man is only ONE step. Honesty with your fiance is a MUST. I mean, if you keep this a secret and marry him....you are basically trapping./tricking him into marrying your without all the information.

 

And I also echo Tara's suggestion of counseling.