my fiance past affair.

[sumit]

last two year I'm relationship with a girl and

we are ready to marriage.but a month ago i

heard something about her past she had a 3

year serious relationship with a man and both

went holiday together. both want to marry but

something didn't work and the marriage called

off by man side. but my fiance never talk me

about this ever in last twoI year. I find out by

different person. when i ask to my girlfriend

she traying to lie to me but when I told every

thing that I heard about her she accepted that

and told me she was afraid to tell her past to

me because she love me very much. now for

my case both the family are involved to

marriage.

even I love so much my fiance but now when I

see her photos of that time I lose control over

me.I can't talk like that I used to I'm losing

trust over her.

[d0nnivain]

She did not have an affair. She had a prior relationship. Many people date others before they marry. She was serious about this other guy He wasn't some random ONS.

 

If you asked about prior relationships & she lied, that is a problem. The fact that you feel she lied about it now is a problem.

 

What upsets you more the fact that she tried to lie now or the fact that she had a prior relationship? The remedies are different. IMO, lying is the bigger problem. Her past her is past & her business. You can't change that so there is no point in trying. If she says she tried to downplay the relationship so that you would not see her as used goods & leave her, I would feel more accepting about that. If you know she has never lied in the past & you are convinced that this was a one time thing, I could get past it but if there were other lies, perhaps marriage is not such a great idea.

[sumit]

bro I love her so much and she loves me like I'm everything for her. love and trust is not the problem even I can understand why she didn't told me at first place and she want to forget her past she feel quilt about it and never want to answer those questions and requested me to never talk about this. but I Don't no why I want to know every single details likes how it started and more. I don't know why it feel good to me to asking those questions and talk more about this. I know how much she loves me even then I'm doing such thin to her. I'm a terrible person why I'm doing this

[PegNosePete]

You want to know, because she is trying to hide it. Why doesn't she want to tell you? What does she have to hide? The more she tries to keep it secret, the more you will want to know the details. That is human nature.

 

If you want to marry this woman then you both need to trust each other. If you can't discuss this prior relationship like adults then there is no trust.

[Spectre]

Okay so I see this endly badly. Here we have you calling yourself a terrible person for being UPSET YOUR FIANCE LIED TO YOU. That right there tells me all I need to know about you and this relationship.

 

Most people do have past relationships, problem is your fiancé lied and worst thing is even though it wasn't cheating her lie had to do with another dude she used to bang. That makes it worse when anytime another man is associated with a lie. Yet here you are crying about "oh she loves me so much" and "I'm so terrible". She loves you so much she lies to you about this? Please.

 

Prior to this, did you show huge jealously or get really angry and make it seem like you'd be pissed off if this girl had relationships before she met you? If you DIDN'T do anything like that then she had no valid reason to keep this from you. People who lie for no valid reason, to me, are the most dangerous. This is your fiancé, she shouldn't be keeping things from you and especially like this and especially if you gave her NO reason to think you'd be mad over this..it becomes suspicious for her to keep it from you.

[autumnnight]

Okay so I see this endly badly. Here we have you calling yourself a terrible person for being UPSET YOUR FIANCE LIED TO YOU. That right there tells me all I need to know about you and this relationship.

 

Most people do have past relationships, problem is your fiancé lied and worst thing is even though it wasn't cheating her lie had to do with another dude she used to bang. That makes it worse when anytime another man is associated with a lie. Yet here you are crying about "oh she loves me so much" and "I'm so terrible". She loves you so much she lies to you about this? Please.

 

Prior to this, did you show huge jealously or get really angry and make it seem like you'd be pissed off if this girl had relationships before she met you? If you DIDN'T do anything like that then she had no valid reason to keep this from you. People who lie for no valid reason, to me, are the most dangerous. This is your fiancé, she shouldn't be keeping things from you and especially like this and especially if you gave her NO reason to think you'd be mad over this..it becomes suspicious for her to keep it from you.

 

Are there any women on the planet you actually like?

[Spectre]

Are there any women on the planet you actually like?

 

I tend to gravitate towards the ones that do not lie or cheat.

[Rephinican]

Are there any women on the planet you actually like?

 

Why is this necessary? It feels like a bit of a personal attack. It doesn't sound like Spectre hates this woman to me- it sounds like he has an issue with her conduct. I can have an issue with my best-friend's conduct but he's still my best friend. And whether or not Spectre likes or appreciates women is irrelevant to the post at hand and the advice he has given.

 

Okay so I see this endly badly. Here we have you calling yourself a terrible person for being UPSET YOUR FIANCE LIED TO YOU. That right there tells me all I need to know about you and this relationship.[/Quote]

 

Spectre, I find myself agreeing with you for the most part. The problem here is less the relationship in question and more that his fiance felt the need to obfuscate the truth when asked about it. That's quite simply not a promising sign. Relationships need good communication and trust to thrive. Without those two things it;s really, really difficult to have a healthy relationship. Where is start to disagree is the below sentiment:

 

 

Yet here you are crying about "oh she loves me so much" and "I'm so terrible". She loves you so much she lies to you about this? Please.

 

Call me more optimistic than you, but I really don't think we have enough information about this to state whether or not his fiance has strong feelings for him or not. While I myself personally value honesty extremely highly, there are others who place a much lower value on it. Plus, some people have the notion that "what happened in the past stays in the past" and are reluctant to talk about previous romantic relationships. Perhaps his fiance is one of those people, and thus her evasion was done less out of a place of overt malice and more from a place of different perspective? Now, if she continues this evasive behavior and has lied about other things in the relationship (especially involving her past and other men) I will be right there with you condemning her practice. But I'm not quite there yet. I think there might still be hope here.

 

People who lie for no valid reason, to me, are the most dangerous. This is your fiancé, she shouldn't be keeping things from you and especially like this and especially if you gave her NO reason to think you'd be mad over this..it becomes suspicious for her to keep it from you.

 

Even though I might agree with you here, there are many who do not. Secrets are okay as long as they are not harmful, and what exactly qualifies as benign differs from relationship to relationship and person to person. Regardless, I think it's safe to say that sumit needs to have a talk with his fiance about this whole ordeal. He needs to mention that it could affect their marriage plans and that it is a big issue (if it so happens to be as big an issue for him as it appears on here) and then see what she says. I'll make my verdict based on that- this could still be just an isolated incident.

 

But sumit, you don't need to be mad at yourself or feel bad for asking what you did. It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong here. And if this opens up new paths of communication in your relationship you might have actually done something very, very right.

 

-Reph

[Spectre]

It's because I've made posts showing I do not think it is cool to lie to people or cheat on them. To some people that translates to "you must hate everything about women" or "you must hate all women".

 

I have never once posted bashing anyone for doing anything other then cheating or lying. Yet people will act like I'm out saying I don't like certain women because of the way they tie their shoes or the way they walk. It's not even about women, I've called out males who cheat and lie as well.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Spectre

[qubist]

It's because I've made posts showing I do not think it is cool to lie to people or cheat on them. To some people that translates to "you must hate everything about women" or "you must hate all women".

 

I have never once posted bashing anyone for doing anything other then cheating or lying. Yet people will act like I'm out saying I don't like certain women because of the way they tie their shoes or the way they walk. It's not even about women, I've called out males who cheat and lie as well.

just because she cheated in her previous relationship she shouldn't be berried and never have a chance at another guy. people do learn from mistakes. we don't know the whole story so we can't judge her based on her history.

she made a mistake not telling her current fiance about her dark history but that doesn't necessary makes her evil. it is another mistake and again we do not have enough information to judge her motives for hiding it. chances are she could've hid them just because she didn't know any better nobody told her that it is better to be honest.

[sumit]

thanks you guys for helping me on this.

actually we are in a long distance relationship from beginning only and when it started till now we actually never talk face to face. and I'm never fall in love before in my life their was no other girl in my life ever. but at same time if I have no past that not mean fiance done wrong people fall in love ofen. only thing she done wrong to not telling me in between last two year and I found by different person. but again n again why I want to know every single details

[sumit]

I know she love me so much and the man is married long time ago he had a child also their nothing to do with that issue they both moved on ows ways. but she was in relationships with 3 year that is really long time guys in between 3 year I want to know every thing but my fiance never want to talk about it ever

Edited September 26, 2015 by sumit

[qubist]

I know she love me so much and the man is married long time ago he had a child also their nothing to do with that issue they both moved on ows ways. but she was in relationships with 3 year that is really long time guys in between 3 year I want to know every thing but my fiance never want to talk about it ever

it is normal to be curious about her pass, you are developing some insecurity. you should fight it and move on. your main concern now should be what did she do to avoid what happened in her last relationship. what lessons did she learn and how she learned them. how can she guarantee that she won't cheat on you

[d0nnivain]

Lets get this straight. The OPs FI did NOT cheat on him or her prior FI. The OP has been in an LDR with this woman for 2 years. He has never met her in person. He has never had another romantic relationship.

 

 

Recently the learned that his "FI" was previously in another relationship which lasted 3 years. His FI was engaged to the other man. She & the other man went on trips together. The other man called off the engagement. The OP does not know why the other engagement ended. He learned about the other engagement from a third party. When he asked his FI about it, she initially lied and tried to say the prior relationship did not exist. Eventually she confessed that she had been in the other relationship but continues to refuse to give the OP the details about that relationship & break up that he wants. We don't know what details he seeks.

 

 

 

 

If all he wants to know is why his FI & the other man broke up, I think she needs to divulge that. If he's looking for more salacious details, he's better off not knowing & needs to stop asking. If this is a Q about her not being a virgin, that's a cultural & personal moral issue for the people involved to decide.

 

 

But since the OP has never actually met his FI in person, I'm not clear on the details of how they came be engaged or why they want this marriage. I'm also not certain that he's entitled to any details about her past life since they have never met. As a 1st step I think they need to meet.

[sumit]

bro between 2 year we use to see each other 5 time every time for couple of weeks. we know each other for 4 year but in between never talk to much and we both unknown to each other personly. and the third person used to tell the hole story he told me both went alone together but my fiance toll me they are not alone and some of her friends(girl) also went with her and nothing happen between them ever she told me they are in different room in that trip. so it's not clear they did it or not. call me crazy but I'm still a virgin not by chance but by my choice. it was big deal for me. when I found she was in a serious relationship it's really heart me and now I find very difficult to accept this

[d0nnivain]

I am a woman. Not your bro.

 

 

I can understand that you are upset because there was this whole other relationship before you that you did not know about. My 1st Q is, did you previously ask her about prior relationships? If not, she had no obligation to volunteer info to you. If you asked & she lied, that is a different story

 

 

Since you are a virgin by your choice, if you cannot accept that she is not a virgin, don't marry her. It's really as simple as that.

[TaraMaiden2]

bro between 2 year we use to see each other 5 time every time for couple of weeks. we know each other for 4 year but in between never talk to much and we both unknown to each other personly. and the third person used to tell the hole story he told me both went alone together but my fiance toll me they are not alone and some of her friends(girl) also went with her and nothing happen between them ever she told me they are in different room in that trip. so it's not clear they did it or not. call me crazy but I'm still a virgin not by chance but by my choice. it was big deal for me. when I found she was in a serious relationship it's really heart me and now I find very difficult to accept this

 

I had typed a whole long question and comment, but I highlighted one word to correct it, the whole lot of my post text inadvertently highlighted too and the whole post disappeared.

 

I'm not going to bother trying to repeat it all.

 

This forum is full of posts from insecure, jealous men, who feel they have some proprietorial right to judge, evaluate and condemn their girlfriends for daring to be in love with someone else before them.

The reason women lie about their past, is because they know their boyfriends can't accept the truth, and they therefore want to spare their sensitive, fragile male ego-feelings.

 

But of course, if they lie, and get found out (because the guy will JUST NOT LEAVE IT ALONE!!) then they're liars/cheaters and not worth staying with.

 

Your fiancée is in a lose-lose situation.

 

The guy gets no blame for being a judgemental critical persistent pushy bully.

 

OP: you're a virgin. That was your choice.

You found out from an interfering? meddling? well-meaning? sympathetic? third party that she had a past, with another guy.

She wanted to let the past stay where it was.

In the past.

You are who matters to her now.

But Oh no.

That's not good enough for you.

 

Well, what do you expect her to do?

She can't go back in time to change anything.

So now, this is YOUR problem.

And if you're going to let YOUR problem, stand in the way of YOUR happiness, then more fool you.

 

I suggest thst if you can't live with this, you release her from any obligation to you and let her find someone better, more experienced and less judgemental than you.

 

I think you should date again, and specifically state you are looking for a virgin with no past.

 

Good luck with that.

Edited September 26, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[sumit]

sorry I didn't know you are a women I'm really sorry for that

and obesely I asked her starting only but she told me very loud and clear I have no affair in my life ever.

[d0nnivain]

sorry I didn't know you are a women I'm really sorry for that

and obesely I asked her starting only but she told me very loud and clear I have no affair in my life ever.

 

 

Could it be a language thing? "Affair" means that something was outside of a relationship, cheating. I see her interactions with the prior guy as a relationship, not an affair but some people do call those love affairs. It can be confusing. If in her defense she thought you were asking if she was unfaithful, then her denials are the truth. If you were asking if she so much as dated another, then her silence is her hiding something & the fact that she was cagey when confronted with the truth doesn't help.

 

 

At this point even though you know she was previously engaged to another man & she traveled with him, do you know that she is not a virgin? I mean it sounds like she is not but it is possible that they traveled & stayed in separate rooms, unlikely but possible.

[road]

bro between 2 year we use to see each other 5 time every time for couple of weeks. we know each other for 4 year but in between never talk to much and we both unknown to each other personly. and the third person used to tell the hole story he told me both went alone together but my fiance toll me they are not alone and some of her friends(girl) also went with her and nothing happen between them ever she told me they are in different room in that trip. so it's not clear they did it or not. call me crazy but I'm still a virgin not by chance but by my choice. it was big deal for me. when I found she was in a serious relationship it's really heart me and now I find very difficult to accept this

 

Western civilization it is normal to date people for years and not get engaged.

 

 

It is normal to date for years and get engaged.

 

 

Further normal for people that are engaged and then decide to break up and not get married.

 

 

For better to not get married then do it and wind up divorced years after.

 

 

I do not see your problem? Is your GF not being a virgin a deal breaker then say so. It appears not on can the girl you marry must be a virgin she must also never have had a BF or go out on any dates.

[autumnnight]

It's because I've made posts showing I do not think it is cool to lie to people or cheat on them. To some people that translates to "you must hate everything about women" or "you must hate all women".

 

I have never once posted bashing anyone for doing anything other then cheating or lying. Yet people will act like I'm out saying I don't like certain women because of the way they tie their shoes or the way they walk. It's not even about women, I've called out males who cheat and lie as well.

 

I despise lying, cheating, hurting, being deceitful and sneaky and using subterfuge as well.

 

I'll have to go look for all those posts to males...I must have missed them.

 

I hate when people make a bad choice or choices. The difference is I actually people people can change and be redeemed. You do not.

 

I believe also that the only cheater it is actually logical for me to be angry with and be determined to....exact upon....is someone who cheated on ME.

[Lovelypearl]

It's her past, you have to accept it. Everyone has a past, some talk about, some don't like to talk about it. You feel she loves you very much then go ahead with her.

[sumit]

thank you so much I know she loves me and I can see that she really felling guit to not telling me at first place and I love so much my fiance i can't even see my future without her