I think I may love the person I thought he was and not the person he is.

[Soul Searching JJ]

My situation is a complicated one... a bit lengthy but in desperate need of some insight...

 

I grew up in a normal household (at least as normal as any other) with 6 siblings and two very hardworking and loving parents who just celebrated their 40th anniversary. After dating my high school sweetheart for 3 years, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things. He wanted to stay in the little small town he grew up in, never venture out to college or even take trips. I on the other hand wanted to go away to school and see the world. My sweetheart begged for me to stay and go to a local college in the area; which I unfortunately did for the first year. It did not at all meet my expectations and I was miserable. After seeing my older brother graduate from a huge out of state college I decided to break up with my sweetheart and move on. This is where my life changed forever. I had all kinds of great plans in mind and even though I hadn't spoke to my then sweetheart in three weeks...the day I got back from this trip, he gave me a surprise visit which ended my youth and threw me into parenthood.

 

We were married just two months later and I knew on the wedding night that it would never last. When I looked for him at the reception to dance, he yelled at me at said that it was his party and wanted to spend it with his friends. I couldn't even wake him up to consummate the wedding night! This continued and his drinking was out of control - I filed for divorce a year later. He dropped off the radar and missed our sons first two wonderful years of life. I bought a house, raised my son on my own and had a nice life.

 

I went on only a few dates over the span of 6 years with one serious relationship in which I turned down his marriage proposal - I just didn't feel what I needed to. Two in half years later without any intimacy in my life I began to feel a little desperate. This is when I met my now husband and father of two more beautiful children. At the time, as a single parent I couldn't afford to "settle" for just anyone. It was immensely important to find the RIGHT one. We talked about everything that matters - God, Children, Morals, Marriage, Money... Everything fit. He was a real charmer and I thought he was gorgeous.

 

His family lived in Florida and he suffered the same misfortunate history as I with one son from a previous marriage. He claimed his X got pregnant the first week they met. He said that he didn't like her and broke it off after the first few dates although she called a few weeks later and broke the news. The were married for 5 years for which he was unfaithful to her and claimed it was because he never loved her and stayed in the relationship for his son. He did not reveal his infidelity to her until after they divorced. He moved to Illinois just before I met him to pursue further education. He was independent, financially secure, ambitious, a wonderful father figure to my son, entertaining... you name it. We fell into love with each other and a year in a half later were engaged.

 

I began to drag my feet in setting a wedding date as things started to change. He moved in with me, was suddenly unemployed, slept until noon and didn't respect the house or anything of mine. He began to borrow money from me and take advantage of my independent style. I never needed anyone to "fix" things around the house I just did them - if the roof needed repair I got out a How to do it yourself book and did it. However, he began to destroy the house, garage, yard, my car... and when his son came up to visit for 9 weeks each summer; I had to take on the majority of the financial strain. I couldn't keep up and I had some serious doubts as to who he really was and whether or not we would work out.

 

He was always able to charm his way out of things and I continued to just deal with it all. He and his family kept pushing me to set a wedding date and I kept making excuses. Nine months went by and then it happened. To this day I think it was a trap. For one week we had to use alternative methods of birth control due to a complication with my pills and after sex one night he claimed he "lost" the condom and must have put it on wrong or something. Needless to say I was forced to set the wedding date as we were now expecting.

 

After 11 months of engagement, we celebrated our marriage. I had dismissed my doubts as cold feet and a bad run of luck for him. Things only got worse and fast. Just two weeks after the wedding I accidentally walked in on him sending an email to another women. It had a naked picture of her attached with something about meeting! I was so horrified I threw up! We had a huge fight and weren't speaking - we talked and were going to try to make it thought this. Then I found the stockpile of porno's - about 18 different tapes, DVD's... I was again sick and couldn't believe it. When I had tried to have some "fun" before and suggested we watch a porno, he insisted he did not like them and wouldn't participate. Now I find 18 different ones...What is that?? Again, we have serious trouble... Then I find out that he is researching Porn on the computer and even signed himself up with his own nude web cam (which dumb me, I bought him to stay in touch with his son) website! We had great sex at least 4-5 nights out of the week so it wasn't like I didn't give him any attention. I called for an end to the marriage although he wouldn't leave and again we decided to try and make it past all of this.

 

Then I found the drugs. He had stashed some pot in my garage and I found it. I was so upset I almost lost it. He knew how I felt about drugs! I'm not a prude although am way too old to be stupid! I even did pot with him once - it was my first time and New Year’s Eve. But he knew it was a one time thing. I demanded he leave and again he wouldn't. He would charm me into feeling bad for him and we would try and move on. He had a messed up childhood - he was physically and emotionally abused throughout his childhood and potentially sexually (because he claims he can't recall the whole situation) and always makes me feel bad for him after we have an argument.

 

He habitually lies and claims he doesn’t know why he does, has since been diagnosed with Anxiety disorder, depression, Adult ADD, drug addiction and a few I may have already forgotten. I have since found out his son has ADD and his family is riddled with mental disorders. He is a delight to anyone who meets him and can charm the pants off of almost anyone. However, underneath this con-artist, lies the real him. He has confessed that he lied to me about everything before we got married because he didn't think I would marry him if I knew. Well, he was right, I wouldn't have. I would have attempted to help him through his troubles and waited to see what happened. Now there are kids involved and I can't get him out of my house. I think I still love him but don't even trust my own thoughts. I think I may love the person I thought he was and not the person he is.

 

He sobs uncontrollably when I tell him he needs to leave and I held strong the last time for over an hour while he held our infant son and kept begging me - "just don't make me leave my kids...and I do love you..." Regardless of what differences we suffer, I would never keep the kids from him - he does love them and he is wonderful to them. He convinces me that he doesn't want to be the person he is although I don't think it is fair for me to want to "change" him. I mean yes the drugs, depression, sex issues... all of those things should be dealt with but not who you are on the inside.

 

I don't want to spend my energy trying to fix someone else. I don't want to spend my energy trying to figure out if he is hiding drugs or cheating on me or chasing after him because I think he may be lying. I don't feel it is fair for him to just expect me to deal with this and be his "savior" and bring him out from the person he really is.

 

He manipulates and charms friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers to believe that he is this great person and that I am materialistic and over react. Materialistic?!!? I shop at Wal-Mart and wear my clothes until they fall off or are so thin you can see right through them... I worked hard for the very little that I have and he thinks life is free. I supported him for the past 5 years... I hear stories from our neighbor that he tells them not to tell me...

 

Do I see him through the therapy and potentially risk several wasted years?? Even then, he may have a relapse... He has already been through 4 psychologists and has been put on medication although that won't help his deceitful personality...

 

Has anyone ever been though some thing like this? I don't want to be divorced twice with kids from two different fathers - I'll never date again. I'll never trust again. I will feel like I belong on Jerry Spinger... How can something like this happen to me?? I have a close knit family with great morals and all with advanced educational backgrounds and Solid financial standings. How did I fall into this dilemma so quick and stray from the norm in my family??

 

What do I do to stay sane and not loose my house to my now husband and end up living back with my parents at 31 years old broke with three children???

 

I need help either helping him or helping getting rid of him.

[Ladyjane14]

He's a trainwreck. And he looks like he's trying to cast you in the role of his "mommy".

 

Believe me, you have to love somebody a whole lot to see them through all of the changes that he'd have to make in order for him to be a true partner in the marriage. Only you can be the judge of that....but it doesn't sound like you're emotionally invested enough in him to put yourself through all the crap you'll need to go through.

 

I think that you'll find the strength to move on, if you forecast your children's future with your husband's current example as being a guiding one in their lives.

 

I'm usually a great proponent of marriage and family life, but I don't think you've got enough love to get you over the rough spots in this relationship.

[CaGirl1980]

Wow, I'm very sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I definitely think that it's him that there is something wrong with. None of this is your fault and I hope you don't take any of the blame. I've never realized I was dating someone different than I thought while I was actually with them, but I did realize it a few times after I had broken up with them. There is nothing wrong with having feelings for this guy, but it sounds like you know that he's not what is best for you. It sounds like he has way too many problems to deal with and he may not ever overcome all of them. So I guess you have to decide whether or not you can live with the kinds of things he does. If he's lived his entire life manipulating people into making them feel bad for them then it's going to be very hard for him to change. Some people live their entire lives like that. I would definitely think long and hard about what things will be like in 10 years if you stay with this guy and also think about what it will be like for your children. They will find out someday about the way he lives his life and who knows what kind of impact it will have on them. I know it sounds like it will be lonely, but it sounds like you have a lot of family support and people who will be there for you in your time of need. You probably know what is right in your heart, I would definitely listen to it. I hope things work out for you, take care and good luck!

[Soul Searching JJ]

Your right on the money with he is trying to cast me in the role of his absent mother. She left him at age 1 1/2 and his other two siblings with their father for another man. She has depression issues and did not re-appear in his life until he was around 8 years old. When he confessed about all of the abuse he was going through, she told him not to talk about it anymore because she just couldn't take it. What type of mother leaves her infant - not yet a toddler and two very young daughters with a stressed out dad who also was the victim of abuse in his day?

 

She was raised a wealthy spoiled brat and is used to being treated like a princess. She faded in and out of his life knowing that her son was loosing his bowels during beating sessions and was being humiliated in public as a form of discipline. He began loosing clumps of his hair at around 5 and she knew this. Where were the teachers, family, friends and neighbors??? When he moved out of the house at about 16 he and his mother began a closer relationship. She pretends nothing ever happened and he bends over backwards to make her happy. I mean he waits on her hand and foot when she is around.

 

I have had the talk with my husband about how he treats me like a mother (not his of course). He expects me to take care of everything for him.. Even feed him and hold him when he is ill! There is always comfort in being taken care of although he crossed the line when I caught him calling me "mommy" quite a bit before what he was doing clicked in.

 

His father is a charming one also. Although he did all of this, he acts as though he was the best dad ever and is a true know it all. I get along with him well although can't ever get the horror stories out of my head. His older sister confirmed the abuse and feels guilty that she never did anything. She is only a year older and was young herself. She said that she felt helpless when it was happening and just tried to be there for him.

 

I feel an immense amount of empathy for what he went though and give him Sooooo much slack because of it. I do love him deeply and will continue to be there for him even if we split. I know what is best for me and that is to get him out of my life and deal with the emotional strain after he is gone. However, I am hesitant to leave him just as everyone else in his life did. He does such a good job of lying that I don't know that I will ever get the trust back. I feel cheated that I stood at the alter with everything that I am out in the open ( I held back no secrets - because if I was going to marry again it had to be the real thing. I needed to know that my soon to be husband loved me despite my flaws). I looked him in the eyes and thought I knew him. I saw our future together and for the first time felt like I found happiness.

 

I am scared that the love I feel is actually sorrow and pity for him because the person I thought he was isn't real. He is a manipulator for sure and knows I have a true soft spot for children. In some ways I believe he fell in love with me for this although has learned to use this to his advantage. I am independent, hard working, strong headed, morally awake and a survivor. I realize now that these are all things he is striving to be although an unfair standard for someone who has endured what he has been though. He appreciates these traits in me but can't live up to what it takes to manage my expectations and feels like a constant failure. I have to praise him like a child for good behavior and if I fail to do so, he reminds me! He says things like "I took the trash out, arn't you proud of me?" and even things that don't affect me at all like "I cleaned out my truck today - tell me you are proud".

 

I work on cleaning the gutters while he plays with the dog. Most everything is like this. It is almost as though he is trying to make up time for his lost childhood. Although because of what he went through, he has a special gift with kids - he can teach almost any kid anything - like he can speak a language the rest of us lost after we turned 13. It is one of the things I fell in love with him for. However, I am wearing thin from nurturing his inner child and don't feel as strong as I used to be. I feel that it is my children that deserve to be kids and I never bargained to take on all of these issues.

 

I hate the thought of abandoning him because I know he needs me like he needed his mom back then but the reality is I am not his mother. I married a full grown man not a 5 year old with access to porn and dope.

 

My 11 year-old attends a private school and is on the honor roll. He is and always has been a true gift from God and is sensitive, appreciative and loving. He takes on more responsibility around the house than my husband and he knows it. We have a VERY close and special relationship. At the same time that my son has gained so much from my husbands talent with kids, and my husbands ability to fill the gap that his biological father left, my 11 year-old has endured quite a bit of heartache as a result of my husbands inability to "cope" with the demands of adulthood.

 

How long do I wait to see if things get better? What if he has cheated on me already or it is just a matter of time before he does? His sexual past scares me - the neighbor has told me things he told them not to tell me. He talked with them about a past threesome he had although still will not confess to me. When he cheated on his X, it was not once but at least three times that I am now aware of and not the normal "it just happened" stories but Well planed out Sexual encounters or fantasy get together. One time involved his married best Friend and two other married girls. They planned a sexual fantasy night of some kind that the girls put together. When the guys arrived, the girls had a note on the porch with a bottle of baby oil and some instructions, inside there were Teddy's for the girls, magazines, pornos, and even some "weapons" of some kind. They all drank while cooking dinner and when it came time to enjoy the fantasy, my husband claims he and his gal began fore-play but she got sick shortly after which pretty much ended the entire ordeal. I don't care if he hated his X (which I know he didn't) what type of person does this and can still return home to look at his wife and son? And go on to cheat again?

 

I have never cheated - I wouldn't do it to myself although I have played with the idea as a get back but always come to my senses. I have so much to fear in this relationship. I have tried to get him to leave more than once but can't without an official separation and court order. If he cheats on me, all deals are off and the court order is as good as done, he is on his own and the vicious cycle of his destructive life is on auto pilot. How do I know if I am strong enough for this? How do I know if I will survive?

 

Two points I need to make in addition to all of the above... one of the things he was looking up on the computer was "how to regain trust". He openly admitted to looking this up as a way to get me to trust him again so that he could lie to me again... Another thing I caught him looking up was escorts - of course he had a big story on that one - but I think I just caught him before it went to far.

 

Someone tell me it is OK to leave this guy to fend on his own. Someone tell me I'll be lonely but I'll make it through all of this... Someone tell me that my children will grow to be strong, morally advanced and not hate me for removing their father from the picture. Like I said before, he has that way about him, everyone likes him and he is so convincing - I fear he will convince the kids that he never did anything wrong and they will blame me and be just as scared as if we were to remain married and they discovered his issues... and worse that we remained married. What kind of a life do I have to look forward to with him and what kind of a life do I have to look forward to without him??

[Ladyjane14]

I'm running behind today....so I only have a minute....

 

Try googling the words, "Reactive Attachment Disorder", and see if some of that sort of matches the profile.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts. As you can tell, I haven't really been able to get any of this off my chest and I just have so much on my mind that I can ramble on and on and on. It is so overwhelming that I don't want to burden my family and friends or burn them out with to much of this.

 

I haven't really shared much with them because I almost need for them to believe things are not that bad. I am ashamed that I got myself into this in the first place and want to be able to escape when I talk with them. If they knew everything, it would always hang over my head that they knew and I wouldn't ever feel like I "fit" into the normal run of things.