TX-SC Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 People are so easy these days. Absolutely no concern is given to faithfulness and being honest. It's such a state of affairs. Tell your husband and get a divorce. If he is cheating that's just all the more reason that your marriage isn't worth saving. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it. Nonsense! The real reason you don't want to tell him is because you're just trying to protect your own philandering a$$. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 But this was already answered: the guy thinks she is doing it because she thinks HE hasn't been faithful. Which...if the paranoia she has shown here has shown through to her hubby? Is a pretty reasonable thing for him to be thinking this is about her trying to make him prove he didn't cheat. So again nothing has still made jump to the "oh he must be doing something too!!!!" camp. I still maintain, if my I hadn't cheated and my H asked me to get std tested because he THOUGHT I'd cheated, my response would be....."I've only slept with you, I have not cheated and if you've been with anyone else and caught something, you better come clean RIGHT NOW, because my conscience is clear" I'd be furious TBH if this happened. If a WS was confessing and asked me to get tested, that's one thing, but to be accused when I haven't would really piss me off - especially as I'm smart enough to see the attempted deflection. So OP, you ask him to get tested and he thinks your being cautious? If he hadn't cheated, would he not ask what's prompted this? Does he ask on what you base your suspicions on? Husband and wife don't request std testing out of the blue. His response doesn't seem how an innocent person would react. Don't try and pin this on him, but if you're both at it, who knows what else could be lurking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I do not wish it on anyone to have an STD. I really hope he does not. I would not blame him at all. I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it. Tell him. You thought he was cheating on you, you wanted to know, so assume HE would want to know too. If you don't tell him, can you sleep peacefully every night? Look yourself in the mirror and be okay hiding this from him? Did the other guy get tested? Did you tell him as well? If no, you have to since you were intimate. There's a chance that you gave it to him (if your H gave the std to you) so he has a right to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 I can tell you this. If your husband has to be tested for a STD and it comes back that he does and he knows he didn't cheat on you, then you better be prepared for him to blow a ton of smoke up your ass. To make it worse, your the one whose doing the finger pointing and accusing him of cheating and you the one that go a dose of the "Gleep". Not bad enough that you don't have any respect for your husband by cheating but you also don't have the God given common sense to use a condom. You cheat. Bad enough but then possibly give your husband a STD all on a whim. Priceless. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dragon_fly_7 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 You're at lost either way so your best bet is to be honest at this point. If the test comes out positive, then you have a lot to explain to him, esp if he didn't cheat. If the test comes out negative, then not sure how would you explain your way out to him and remain 6 months without having sexual contact. Not sure why would you ever have unprotected sex with a stranger. It's already bad enough to cheat but to also do it unprotected and put your husband's health at risk, that's not smart at all. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Did you tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Haven't seen the OP since the first hour the thread was posted... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I still maintain, if my I hadn't cheated and my H asked me to get std tested because he THOUGHT I'd cheated, my response would be....."I've only slept with you, I have not cheated and if you've been with anyone else and caught something, you better come clean RIGHT NOW, because my conscience is clear" I'd be furious TBH if this happened. If a WS was confessing and asked me to get tested, that's one thing, but to be accused when I haven't would really piss me off - especially as I'm smart enough to see the attempted deflection. So OP, you ask him to get tested and he thinks your being cautious? If he hadn't cheated, would he not ask what's prompted this? Does he ask on what you base your suspicions on? Husband and wife don't request std testing out of the blue. His response doesn't seem how an innocent person would react. Don't try and pin this on him, but if you're both at it, who knows what else could be lurking. I see, so because he didn't respond exactly like you'd respond, he just must be cheating, right? An innocent person wouldn't take that in stride, and..he didn't take this in stride. Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Haven't seen the OP since the first hour the thread was posted... Exactly! Drive-by post... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Srth Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 His test came back positive. We've been going through a lot since then but have agreed to work it out. The affair and the ordeal we had to go through actually has brought us closer. We have been together for more than half our lives and this affair made us realize that we had become complacent and had somewhat given up on each other. We both came clean with our thoughts and feelings. He has forgiven me. There was a whirlwind of emotions but now we're in a better place. Honesty really is the key to a good relationship. It had revitalize ours and though I know this is a rare outcome after an affair, I'm feeling truly blessed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 His test came back positive. We've been going through a lot since then but have agreed to work it out. The affair and the ordeal we had to go through actually has brought us closer. We have been together for more than half our lives and this affair made us realize that we had become complacent and had somewhat given up on each other. We both came clean with our thoughts and feelings. He has forgiven me. There was a whirlwind of emotions but now we're in a better place. Honesty really is the key to a good relationship. It had revitalize ours and though I know this is a rare outcome after an affair, I'm feeling truly blessed. what's rare is not that he forgave you what's really rare and concerning is how fast he did it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Srth Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 what's rare is not that he forgave you what's really rare and concerning is how fast he did it. I agree. He went through a series of emotions and when we poured our hearts out, he forgave me. At first, forgiveness was given but he was still in so much pain. He seems to have gotten past it quickly. It concerns me as well but I'm watching his actions and feelings. I'm hoping this blissfulness lasts and is forever and not just another passing emotion through this ordeal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Yea I doubt this is over for you. Good luck. I think your both going to need it. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 There was a whirlwind of emotions but now we're in a better place. Honesty really is the key to a good relationship. It had revitalize ours and though I know this is a rare outcome after an affair, I'm feeling truly blessed. You seem smart enough to realize this isn't really the final "outcome". If recovery is to occur, it's a multi-step process that happens over time. No one looks their WS in the eye on DDay and says "I forgive you, all done". And no one should believe someone attempting to say that... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Srth Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 You seem smart enough to realize this isn't really the final "outcome". If recovery is to occur, it's a multi-step process that happens over time. No one looks their WS in the eye on DDay and says "I forgive you, all done". And no one should believe someone attempting to say that... Mr. Lucky He found out a week ago. It took him a few days to calm down and took us some time to talk and realize how we wanted to move forward. I do understand there is more to this recovery process. I'm just glad he has given me another chance and wants us to work on our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Hi. All of this started because you suspected your husband of cheating on you. Do you still think that it's possible? It's going to be too hard to work through this mess if you don't BOTH give complete honesty. I hope you guys make it. Life is so bloody hard sometimes & it can feel even worse when it's of our own making. When I first discovered my H's betrayal it was a feeling of complete shock & pain. As time passed I'd process the information in different ways & that would raise more questions. Being (naturally) defensive & embarrassed my H showed his anger & frustration at my inability to "Let it go & move on". Please be compassionate & understanding. It hurts so much to be betrayed & then to feel weak & pathetic because it hurts so much!! Never make him feel responsible. It was your choice. Be kind & selfless for a while.... Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 He found out a week ago. It took him a few days to calm down and took us some time to talk and realize how we wanted to move forward. I do understand there is more to this recovery process. I'm just glad he has given me another chance and wants us to work on our marriage. I do hope he is able to compartmentalize this and stuff it into the back of his mind and never open that box again. Rug-sweeping can work if the BS is able to keep his feelings locked away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 He found out a week ago. It took him a few days to calm down and took us some time to talk and realize how we wanted to move forward. I do understand there is more to this recovery process. I'm just glad he has given me another chance and wants us to work on our marriage. You have to be aware of "cheap forgiveness", sometimes people give it to calm the storm, it is not a very common behavior but does exist. I'm just trying to make aware and understand that you shouldn't just relax. be vigilant. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You have to be aware of "cheap forgiveness", sometimes people give it to calm the storm, it is not a very common behavior but does exist. I'm just trying to make aware and understand that you shouldn't just relax. be vigilant. On the contrary, cheap forgiveness is very common and goes part & parcel with rug-sweeping. It happens in the majority of BH threads on LS (and other forums). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm going to propose a theory here. If he was so quick to get over it... it's because he's cheated also. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 On the contrary, cheap forgiveness is very common and goes part & parcel with rug-sweeping. It happens in the majority of BH threads on LS (and other forums). As many of us are fully aware of, "she ain't seen nothing yet". In a way it reminds me of Sofie2013. I see to outcomes 1) rug sweeping nothing will change long term no issues will be resolved. A quick bout with HB as her husband reclaims what is his and right back to were thye where. 2) SHOCK, he has yet to fully shallow what has happened. Once it sinks in all hell will break loose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Hi. All of this started because you suspected your husband of cheating on you. Do you still think that it's possible? It's going to be too hard to work through this mess if you don't BOTH give complete honesty. This is a very good refocusing question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 So what have you done to make sure you do not give him another std? His emotions will be going all over the place for the next several years. Do not rugsweep. This will come back and destroy any trust in the marriage. then there is no marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 So what have you done to make sure you do not give him another std? His emotions will be going all over the place for the next several years. Do not rugsweep. This will come back and destroy any trust in the marriage. then there is no marriage. Yes, and make sure both of you are completely honest. If you had enough suspicion to go snooping BEFORE all of your bad choices even happened, there may be something there. It isn't just men whose guts tend to be right. Link to post Share on other sites
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