Got an STD, do I come clean?

[Srth]

I truly believe I was the only one cheating now and it breaks my heart. I wish I had known sooner. We both have our regrets. We both are hurt. After the firestorm, he calmed down and really has been the rock. I'm truly blessed. We are taking precautions for the next 6 months so that we are sure nothing else can be transmitted. It really makes me sick to my stomach that I let the affair get that far and it's eating me up inside. I'm trying my best to get past this but the guilt is nauseating even though he has forgiven me. I do feel our lines of communication have opened up and it has taken us to a new level of understanding but I wish that we arrived here sooner... Without the affair.

[m.snow]

I truly believe I was the only one cheating now and it breaks my heart. I wish I had known sooner. We both have our regrets. We both are hurt. After the firestorm, he calmed down and really has been the rock. I'm truly blessed. We are taking precautions for the next 6 months so that we are sure nothing else can be transmitted. It really makes me sick to my stomach that I let the affair get that far and it's eating me up inside. I'm trying my best to get past this but the guilt is nauseating even though he has forgiven me. I do feel our lines of communication have opened up and it has taken us to a new level of understanding but I wish that we arrived here sooner... Without the affair.

 

hopefully both of you can recover from this. and continue with more passion in this relationship.

 

continue with counseling and learn from each bad choices and better yourself.

its best if you can bring your bh with you to counseling.

 

communication is always key in any relationship.

Edited October 3, 2015 by m.snow

[aliveagain]

I truly believe I was the only one cheating now and it breaks my heart. I wish I had known sooner. We both have our regrets. We both are hurt. After the firestorm, he calmed down and really has been the rock. I'm truly blessed. We are taking precautions for the next 6 months so that we are sure nothing else can be transmitted. It really makes me sick to my stomach that I let the affair get that far and it's eating me up inside. I'm trying my best to get past this but the guilt is nauseating even though he has forgiven me. I do feel our lines of communication have opened up and it has taken us to a new level of understanding but I wish that we arrived here sooner... Without the affair.

 

 

That's the tough part about cheating, you can't undo it once it's done, you both have to find a way of living with it. No one is ever the same on the other side. You can forgive but you never forget specially when you gave him an STD. Thank your God that it wasn't fatal, not all are as lucky as you.

[BetrayedH]

You'd be wise to keep studying up on affairs and reconciliation, particularly the stages of grief. Anger and depression come later.

 

If you care to consider conventional wisdom, it says that recovery from an affair takes 2-5 years.

 

As a BH, I was quick to try to forgive. To be brief, I didn't instantly fall out of love with my wife. As well, much of it was a form of personal damage control. I had spent 18 years with every decision focused on my marriage and family. The discovery of an affair created a sense of panic that everything that had mattered to me in life was suddenly threatened. Betrayed spouses frequently look towards forgiveness as a way to regain some sense of control over a devastating situation. Your betrayed husband wasn't prepared to lose his marriage.

 

Given some time, his denial about the impact of this and the bargaining he's doing to put the pieces of his life together may be replaced by anger - once he begins to feel safe that his wife isn't going anywhere. When I started to feel safe, that's when the anger came on strong. I had lost a lot of weight (38lbs), couldn't sleep for months, and was constantly thinking about it all. It was debilitating. Once the dust began to settle, I began to feel, "You know, I don't much appreciate this. In fact, I'm pretty ****lng pissed off. WTF were you thinking?!"

 

Right now, your H may be willing to accept some responsibility for the "state of the marriage," but given some time, he's bound to realize that even if you had marital struggles, you had other more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices and that he didn't get a vote on this one - and he's the one paying the price.

 

As others have suggested, I think you should buckle in for the long haul.

Edited October 3, 2015 by BetrayedH

[Srth]

You'd be wise to keep studying up on affairs and reconciliation, particularly the stages of grief. Anger and depression come later.

 

If you care to consider conventional wisdom, it says that recovery from an affair takes 2-5 years.

 

As a BH, I was quick to try to forgive. To be brief, I didn't instantly fall out of love with my wife. As well, much of it was a form of personal damage control. I had spent 18 years with every decision focused on my marriage and family. The discovery of an affair created a sense of panic that everything that had mattered to me in life was suddenly threatened. Betrayed spouses frequently look towards forgiveness as a way to regain some sense of control over a devastating situation. Your betrayed husband wasn't prepared to lose his marriage.

 

Given some time, his denial about the impact of this and the bargaining he's doing to put the pieces of his life together may be replaced by anger - once he begins to feel safe that his wife isn't going anywhere. When I started to feel safe, that's when the anger came on strong. I had lost a lot of weight (38lbs), couldn't sleep for months, and was constantly thinking about it all. It was debilitating. Once the dust began to settle, I began to feel, "You know, I don't much appreciate this. In fact, I'm pretty ****lng pissed off. WTF were you thinking?!"

 

Right now, your H may be willing to accept some responsibility for the "state of the marriage," but given some time, he's bound to realize that even if you had marital struggles, you had other more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices and that he didn't get a vote on this one - and he's the one paying the price.

 

As others have suggested, I think you should buckle in for the long haul.

 

Thank you for your input and your advice. I've been worried that he's just going through this stage of forgiveness. He says he's not over it, he just wants us to move forward and that he knows he loves me. He also knows I love him and that, he said, is what keeps him going. I'm trying to keep it together as well. I'm trying to not let the guilt take over so that I can move forward with him. I'm going to do the research you suggested and will be vigilant, to make sure we are really on the road to reconciliation.

 

You mentioned it took you a few years to realize the damage that was done. Did you end up leaving your WS? Are you no longer in love with her?

[autumnnight]

There are two books I would recommend:

 

Surviving an Affair, and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (I might have that one not exactly right)

[sandylee1]

I see, so because he didn't respond exactly like you'd respond, he just must be cheating, right? An innocent person wouldn't take that in stride, and..he didn't take this in stride.

 

I don't believe an innocent person would think nothing of it and just get tested as though it was for a non sexual std - but lets just agree to disagree on this one.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There are two books I would recommend:

 

Surviving an Affair, and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (I might have that one not exactly right)

 

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by linda macdonald

[Horton]

If the BH gets too upset about the affair, he's controlling and abusive. If he takes it all in stride, he must be secretly having an affair himself. Damned if you do and damned if you don't, guy may as well just take his ball and go home.

[DKT3]

If the BH gets too upset about the affair, he's controlling and abusive. If he takes it all in stride, he must be secretly having an affair himself. Damned if you do and damned if you don't, guy may as well just take his ball and go home.

 

We have a few full blown "feminist" here who see things clearly along gender lines and always dig to find how every thing is the man's fault. But in being honest we have men here the same way.

[autumnnight]

The only reason I mention a possible affair on his part was because of the original post. The OP had serious suspicions BEFORE her affair. I know at least line wbsite that states if one has a suspicion, pull out all the stops because it's probably true.

 

And anyway, her A would still be wrong. I'm of the belief that a lack of fidelity on one spouse's part does not excuse infidelity for the other.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for your input and your advice. I've been worried that he's just going through this stage of forgiveness. He says he's not over it, he just wants us to move forward and that he knows he loves me. He also knows I love him and that, he said, is what keeps him going. I'm trying to keep it together as well. I'm trying to not let the guilt take over so that I can move forward with him. I'm going to do the research you suggested and will be vigilant, to make sure we are really on the road to reconciliation.

 

You mentioned it took you a few years to realize the damage that was done. Did you end up leaving your WS? Are you no longer in love with her?

 

You're welcome. I hope you can pull thru this. I enjoy a success story.

 

As for my marriage, my story is a bit long and convoluted. To be brief, my wife feigned remorse, kept in contact with the other man, and repeatedly lied about significant items. She had the opportunity to reconcile but wasted it. We both threw in the towel after about 9 months.

 

My biggest piece of advice is to stay honest, regardless of how painful it may be for either of you. It is that honesty that will build intimacy. It will take a few years, but if you're both going to stay then you're both going to want a marriage worth being in. If he's going to stay, he has to feel that you are his true partner in all things and for all time. He has to trust that you'll have his back and that you'd never lie to him. It's the two of you against the world.

 

Obviously, that trust has to be rebuilt. Show him that your mistakes were an aberration. The way you do this is by demonstrating "consistent actions over time." Show him that the affair will not define you or your marriage because you are now redefining who you are.

 

The fact that you made a voluntary confession bodes very well for your chances. Statistically, it literally doubles them. But given time, your H may not see it as voluntary. He may see it as driven by the STD.

 

If they haven't been recommended yet, here's some suggested reading:

 

(1). The thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know.

 

(2). Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

 

(3). How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald

Edited October 4, 2015 by BetrayedH

[Srth]

You're welcome. I hope you can pull thru this. I enjoy a success story.

 

As for my marriage, my story is a bit long and convoluted. To be brief, my wife feigned remorse, kept in contact with the other man, and repeatedly lied about significant items. She had the opportunity to reconcile but wasted it. We both threw in the towel after about 9 months.

 

My biggest piece of advice is to stay honest, regardless of how painful it may be for either of you. It is that honesty that will build intimacy. It will take a few years, but if you're both going to stay then you're both going to want a marriage worth being in. If he's going to stay, he has to feel that you are his true partner in all things and for all time. He has to trust that you'll have his back and that you'd never lie to him. It's the two of you against the world.

 

Obviously, that trust has to be rebuilt. Show him that your mistakes were an aberration. The way you do this is by demonstrating "consistent actions over time." Show him that the affair will not define you or your marriage because you are now redefining who you are.

 

The fact that you made a voluntary confession bodes very well for your chances. Statistically, it literally doubles them. But given time, your H may not see it as voluntary. He may see it as driven by the STD.

 

If they haven't been recommended yet, here's some suggested reading:

 

(1). The thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know.

 

(2). Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

 

(3). How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald

 

It's been so hard for me to get over the guilt and it's debilitating. Not letting my actions define me and our relationship is really something I need to work on. I needed to hear that. Thank you. I'm really trying to work on that but it's so hard to get over what I've done. He wants me to try to forget it and to move forward. He and I both feel like we're in a better place but I can't get over it. I think this feeling of guilt keeps building up as we get better and I don't know how to get over it. I feel like I've betrayed not only my husband, our families but also, myself. I know it takes time but I want to get better for my husband. Any advice from other WS to get over this so I can be a better spouse for my husband?

[qubist]

It's been so hard for me to get over the guilt and it's debilitating. Not letting my actions define me and our relationship is really something I need to work on. I needed to hear that. Thank you. I'm really trying to work on that but it's so hard to get over what I've done. He wants me to try to forget it and to move forward. He and I both feel like we're in a better place but I can't get over it. I think this feeling of guilt keeps building up as we get better and I don't know how to get over it. I feel like I've betrayed not only my husband, our families but also, myself. I know it takes time but I want to get better for my husband. Any advice from other WS to get over this so I can be a better spouse for my husband?

you can't afford to spend energy and time fighting you guilt while you have other challenges in front of you. you must forget the guilt part ASAP and move on if you can't do it fast seek professional help. your Husband seems to be the man with the coolest nerves in the world, but he still needs you to get over your infidelity the right way. Feeling the guilt is good but if it's exhausting your energy it will cost you a lot, it might even cost your marriage.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

For the past few years, I've been suspecting that my husband had been having an affair but I didn't have hard evidence and so I just let it go. Then a few months ago, I decided to check out Ashley Madison to see if he was on there. It was a long shot. I'm sure he would be having an affair with someone at work or someone he has met in person because he is very flirty and friendly, but I wanted proof. Well, it backfired because while I was trying to find my husband on the website, I found myself being curious about the men on the website. I started chattig with a few men, never intending to meet up with anyone. It was fun just chatting, but then one man just lured me out. I was curious. So I met up with him a few times. Never having sex and I let him know I didn't want to have sex. i decided I'd meet up with him one last time to say bye. I think he also knew that it would be the last time. One thing led to another and we had sex. I felt terribly guilty afterwards. A few weeks later, I had an STD screening and found out I caught an STD. I told my husband to get tested and he did but the results have not come back yet. He thinks I'm just being overly cautious and that I'm accusing him of some wrong doing. He doesn't know I have an STD which I've been treated for. I'm just wondering if I should tell him before he gets the results back of if I should wait until he gets the results because maybe he was the one that gave it to me. Serious issues. I wish I never gotten myself into this.

Confess it all. He has the right to make an informed decision about the direction his life is going to take. What you did was up to you, and there was nothing he could have done about it. What he will do is up to him and there's nothing you can do about it.

[TX-SC]

Confess it all. He has the right to make an informed decision about the direction his life is going to take. What you did was up to you, and there was nothing he could have done about it. What he will do is up to him and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

She has already confessed and they are working to fix what was broken. There is some rug sweeping going on but they are doing their best.

[Shai00]

It's been so hard for me to get over the guilt and it's debilitating. Not letting my actions define me and our relationship is really something I need to work on. I needed to hear that. Thank you. I'm really trying to work on that but it's so hard to get over what I've done. He wants me to try to forget it and to move forward. He and I both feel like we're in a better place but I can't get over it. I think this feeling of guilt keeps building up as we get better and I don't know how to get over it. I feel like I've betrayed not only my husband, our families but also, myself. I know it takes time but I want to get better for my husband. Any advice from other WS to get over this so I can be a better spouse for my husband?

 

I am a WS and my BH found out about my affair June 8th of this year. We have been married for 15 years. What I have learned through this and continue to learn is there are steps. This doesn't end in a week or even two, it never ends but you can move forward. What you can do is show him and tell him daily you are sorry. Don't "rug sweep" by any means. He hasn't forgiven you. That does take time. Don't rush his healing. Just work hard every day for you and your marriage. If you want your marriage to work you need to take all the steps needed for both of you. I have never been through anything like a whirl wind until my affair. The pain I see in my BH face breaks me in to pieces. Be honest and open. Even if you are embarrased, any questions he ask tell him the truth. Don't be defensive that doesn't help. being honest helps his healing! I am new to this to but I have learned so much through people on this forum and also my BH. Good Luck to you and your BH.

[m.snow]

I know it takes time but I want to get better for my husband. Any advice from other WS to get over this so I can be a better spouse for my husband?

 

I am new to this to but I have learned so much through people on this forum and also my BH. Good Luck to you and your BH.

 

could i suggest to you both a different web site for more reference being a recovering wayward spouse, that has a sub-forum dedicated to wayward spouses recovering from an affair.

 

the website is called Surviving Infidelity

 

hopefully there you be in a more common tone. since you'd be able to see and recover with other wayward spouses.

 

not that LS is any bad, LS is pretty good forum infact, but just for more inference.

[BetrayedH]

It's been so hard for me to get over the guilt and it's debilitating. Not letting my actions define me and our relationship is really something I need to work on. I needed to hear that. Thank you. I'm really trying to work on that but it's so hard to get over what I've done. He wants me to try to forget it and to move forward. He and I both feel like we're in a better place but I can't get over it. I think this feeling of guilt keeps building up as we get better and I don't know how to get over it. I feel like I've betrayed not only my husband, our families but also, myself. I know it takes time but I want to get better for my husband. Any advice from other WS to get over this so I can be a better spouse for my husband?

 

Forgive me if I am repeating myself but I truly think that it takes "consistent actions over time." That means you can't rush it. But when you show those consistently better actions over time, the brief period of your affair will be overshadowed by the times before and after.

 

Every decision you make will either be in the right direction or the wrong one. Keep consistently making decisions that take you in the right direction and that's what will define you. Your self-pride has certainly taken a blow. So the trick now is to consistently make decisions of which you can be proud, and then it is just a matter of time before your self-pride returns. Not coincidentally, your BH will also feel more confident.

[Dwade]

Not gonna read the whole thread but why is this even a question? You want to put your husband that you "love" life in danger? im gonna say it's gonna take time as its a new wound to him so not rug sweeping is probably the best choice. Communication, openness and reassurance towards him should be the priority for you but communication is for both of you. Seems like most of the other posters got it right just read their advice and stay safe. Good luck on your marriage

Edited October 6, 2015 by Dwade