Don't need feedback, just guardedly "stoked" right now

[amish]

Phew....so after a 15 month separation, lots of hurt feelings on both sides, counseling, soul-searching, legally divorced on April 26th, 2005.....the ex-wife and I are on great terms. She asked me to come see her two weekends ago and, for some reason, I did (90 mile drive). Good times were had, gentle moments, lots of discussion. I even went up there last weekend, we had a "date" (her words). There has been lots of discussion on the possibility of a future and, while I really went through hell through this whole process, I am guardedly optimistic and ultimately want to be with her. There is really a whole lot to the story and, since it's my life and not yours, I won't bore you with the details. I am both excited and terrified!

 

I do know that there's a spring in my step that hadn't been there for quite some time. I'm not being the pursuer. I'm making her do that, which kind of irks her but I figure since she's the one who left she can show me how serious she is, she already knows how serious I am/was. Ugh...the downside is that while my family and close friends know how sweet she is and how I feel about her, my coworkers only know my last 15 months of misery and poverty and are going to give me hell about it if we decide to move ahead together (slowly). While I realize that I'm making a choice for my own personal happiness, it still pisses me off that I will have to deal with all the flack from my acquaintances. Worth it? Hell yes. Looking forward to it? Hell no.

 

I never again want to experience the heartbreak of the past 15 months, but I think I'd have a more lingering heartache if I didn't do everything in my power to get/keep my family back together.

[laRubiaBonita]

Hard work does pay off!

[guest]

Amish,

That's great to hear. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been. I have been through a similar situation, and also noticed I don't quite have the bounce to me that I used to.

 

 

I read through some of your older posts.Did you ever send that letter you had posted awhile back? How did thatgo?

[amish]

Anonymous,

 

Yeah I did send that letter. Looking back I don't know if it hurt or helped. We never spoke of it after I left her with it. I do know she read it, but that's about it. The old adage seems to have rang (rung? ringed?) true in my case though: It was through my actions, not the words in that letter or coming from my mouth all this time, that allowed her to let me in again. I could have sent a thousand letters saying "I'm sorry, I've changed, yadda yadda," but until that change is EVIDENT, it won't do a lick of good; It may even be harmful to the situation.

 

If I had to do it all over again (god help me) I would probably have still sent the letter. Nothing bad appeared to come of it and I was able to get some things out. It probably would get a major edit though.

 

There's still this damned thing inside me that, several times a day, causes me to question what her true intentions are and if she's lying about her feelings and everything else going on. Hopefully it'll go away soon.

[amish]

Well, I rented us a cabin on the coast for the weekend (memorial day). Her, me and our son. Good times! We've been talking every day, she actually refers to me as her "boyfriend" now. It's going to feel weird calling her anything but wife (well okay, ex-wife) but it's better than calling her my ex-wife, that's for sure. I've been up to see her once-per-week in the middle of the week for the past 3 weeks (she lives 90 miles away) and all 3 past weekends. Things seem to be great!

 

Of course I have the fear that it can all come crashing down in the blink of an eye, so that's pretty lame. The one thing that keeps that fear from being too much to take is the knowledge that I have been through it before and survived. We sometimes talk of the future but I always begin with "if things work out". Maybe that's not smart? I don't know, it just doesn't seem normal to start at square 1, you know?

[FolderWife]

Definately proceed with caution...there's a reason you broke up in the first place.

[amish]

It's hard finding a balance between being cautious and seeming disinterested.

[willduggan]

thats exactly where im stuck haha, im trying to seem very interested with my ex (this would be a third chance) as well as taking my time.....blah! its frustrating isnt it;)