My GF gets jealous, My new job may make her more jealous, Should I not do it?

[Fritz Lang]

Thanks for reading,

 

So o.k., I am 27 and I have a fiance, a beautiful gal i've been with since

2001. We're a match made...get along great, different but same.

 

My question is, Should I hinder or hold myself back in my Goals and Dreams for

my girl? I love her and I give her tons of love and affection and I'm very good to her.

But I have a goal & I want to try and see if it'll pan out.

 

I'm an aspiring actor. I have a day job, but I've done many stage productions and

have done so for a long time, since '94 or so. I've paid my dues so to speak.

I love theatre and Cinema. it's a huge passion.

 

Anyway, I've been wanting for a while to attack more TV and indie films. In the past

i've turned a quite a few projects down, in order to stay local & not leave my gal for too long. She supports

me but, i haven't pursued my dream as hardcore as I used to, these past several years, because

i've given a lot of my time to her. But I haven't minded. I love her.

 

Am I wrong for that? I sort of feel like If i hadn't met this girl I love, That i'd be a lot further along

in my career goal than i am now.

 

Any of you balance Relationship and Struggling with your goals?

[JadeStar]

I don't understand why you think shes jealous of your job? You didn't mention anything about that. You said she was supportive. Also if you have to travel away a little further for a job can't she go with you?

 

 

 

Jade

[Fritz Lang]

sorry...i should have re-worded it..

 

I meant it as in, My new headstrong, "go-for-it" attitude

towards my dream career goal. I see it as some major work involved to get

to where I want to be in my career choice, my new Gameplan!!

 

I see a lot of effort and time needed. I really want to make this happen.

I want to be with her, i want her to be my wife, but i want to be successful

and have money for our future. I don't want to be stuck at this day job with no

possibilty of advancement doing stuff I don't even enjoy anyway.

[Fritz Lang]

also...

she's a bit weird sometimes about me acting with other girls...

kissing other girls in a scene...and it does bother her if I have to leave

for shoots or performances because,,,she doesn;t have any hobbies or many friends.

so she'll most likely be alone by herself, if i leave town for a week.

[BrotherAaron]

Should I hinder or hold myself back in my Goals and Dreams for

my girl?

 

Should you ever hold yourself back from reaching your goals? You'll be doing her a favor by still being the goal-driven, ambitious man that she fell in love with. You can't sacrifice everything for a relationship - relationships serve you, not the other way around. You should be able to go for your goals and still make things work with her.

[SpykiE]

I have almost a similar problem with my g/f of over 4 years. We are both 22, however, she is in New Jersey (my home as well as hers), but I am out in Minneapolis going to school for the recording arts (producing and recording bands, etc)... So first off, things are difficult enough with the distance set between us, but we always end up getting in fights when it comes down to me talking to her about my future and goals. I am a pretty ambitious person and simply want to be successful (as any other person) when I finally do break into the music industry. Well I have explained to her that I will probably be working long hours and long nights, but that in no means does that mean that her and I cannot further our futures together while that is all happening.

 

This is where all the problems start.... First off, let me just say this, she is going to be going through her clinical schooling to get her RN in just a few short months, however she has told me endless times that her career is not a major goal for her (meaning she doesn't really have to worry too much about not having a job when she does graduate, as a person in the health field can almost always get a job fairly easily, with the right credentials that is), but that getting married and settling down and starting a family ARE major goals for her. Well, I know that I eventually want to have all that, but right now, my school and upcoming career are what's important to me, yet she always brings it up even though she knows my mind is not involved in all that yet. And yes, I have told her several times that us building our careers and futures are more important than all of that other stuff right now. We will have plenty of time to talk about that when the time arises, but she gets mad with me when I say that. Does this sound selfish in any way?? I love my g/f very much, but sometimes when we argue and go around in circles as we have been doing (the entire arguement stated above is recurring and has been for a long time).... I sometimes question everything that we have with eachother. I sometimes wonder if I am even with the right person and if we are having these types of arguments now (we're not even engaged yet), that when we do get engaged and married, these problems will simply escalate and eventually lead to a miserable breakup/divorce.

 

One HUGE thing she tells me all the time is this: She always says she despises people that are celebrities and are famous, with lots of money. She tells me that she doesn't want to have fancy cars, a huge house, and lots of money and that if I ever were to get famous in the music industry, she would not want any part of it at all. I try to explain to her that there are lots of famous people out there that worked hard (just like I'm doing) to get where they are, and that despite whether or not they wanted the fame or not, it's not necessarily in their hands.

 

For example, you are a hard working engineer/producer working for a studio... well it just so happens a band comes in and they want to get recorded, you've never heard their music nor have you heard of them, but you sign on and record them blah blah blah.... Well, within weeks this band's music is being played on radio stations everywhere and they have went from nobodys to rock stars really overnight.... despite whether you wanted the fame, you just got it b/c your name is all over their cd credits. They get the fame and money and you win as well b/c you had a hand in making that happen for them. Fluke situations such as that one I just described happen ALL the time in the entertainment industry and other times it's MUCH MUCH harder to break through... but the point I'm trying to convey as I try to explain to her is that sometimes it can't be helped and instead of telling me she wants no part, of basically my possible future, I feel that she should be supporting me and not against my ambitions.

 

We are and always have been different types of people, but we have always made things work out b/c we care a lot for eachother and both of us always go out or way for one another. But she gets snappy and gets a big attitude with me when we talk about the whole career thing and we can never seem to resolve it, and when it's all over, I always feel as if I'm doing something wrong, like maybe I'm not doing the right thing. Do you guys think that I am being unreasonable or even selfish in any way here?? I would like to hear what everyone has to say as this whole thing is tearing me up inside.... I literally sat in my bathroom 2 days ago and started crying uncontrollably and had a breakdown. I don't feel as if she is with me at all some days, but I don't know what to think or do.....please, help me out with anything, I would REALLY appreciate it all!

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Fritz Lang

also...

she's a bit weird sometimes about me acting with other girls...

kissing other girls in a scene...and it does bother her if I have to leave

for shoots or performances because,,,she doesn;t have any hobbies or many friends.

so she'll most likely be alone by herself, if i leave town for a week.

 

OK, it's just the kissing stuff that bugs her right?? I mean if you worked at a newspaper, or were a DR, or something, a job where you'd be on call and work would come first alot of the time, (ask her this too) she would NOT have a say whether or not you go to work.

 

I think you need to go with your gut. Explain to her this is something you have to do and if she can't get past it and support you, TRUST you as you DO see marriage in the future, then there is going to be a problem. She really should not feel insecure and jealous, sounds like you have a good relationship. Make her feel good about herself anyway and pay attention, special attention to her needs when you DO have the time to spend with her.

 

IN the end, it's a decision you can make alone or together. Hopefully there can be some sort of compromise.

 

Good luck.

[sarah12]

Fritz Lang:

 

i haven't pursued my dream as hardcore as I used to, these past several years, because

i've given a lot of my time to her. But I haven't minded. I love her.

 

Am I wrong for that? I sort of feel like If i hadn't met this girl I love, That i'd be a lot further along

in my career goal than i am now.

No. Have no regrets because if you were further along in your career, you'd be posting on here about how you wish you had her with you the last few years.

 

and it does bother her if I have to leave for shoots or performances because,,,she doesn;t have any hobbies or many friends. so she'll most likely be alone by herself, if i leave town for a week

 

Seems like the issue is that she will be alone and you feel badly for leaving to pursue your goals, but the question is, why can't she come with you? That way you can have it all. She is going to be your wife afterall, doesn't she want you to pursue your dreams and be there to support you through it?

 

Maybe it sounds too simple a concept, but I sure would follow my future husband and hope that he'd do the same for me if we had dreams we wanted to pursue.

 

SpykiE:

 

So it looks like you are the before version of the OP. Good thing that you are thinking things through now.

 

I definitely think that there are some major compatibility and support issues in your situation as well. I don't think that you are being selfish at all and it concerns me that you feel this way or that you feel like you are doing something wrong because you want to pursue your goals. This is a major signal that there are some issues in the relationship itself when you don't feel you are able to pursue a goal or dream, and that someone is possibly holding you back. It's a 'rock and a hard place' decision because if you pursue the music career (which you seem to be doing), she won't support you and will resent you for not being able to start a family as soon as she would like, and you will continue to feel the guilt and resentment towards her for making you feel this way. If you don't pursue it, you will definitely have some regrets and strong feelings of resentment towards her for a lifetime to come.

 

At the bottom of all this, I think you are right to look into whether or not you are compatible in the first place. 4+ years is a long time to be with someone, especially at this age when people are changing so much and you are becoming the person you will be for the rest of your life. All the change you and her are experiencing simulatneously is normal, we all go through this self-realization-coming-of-age type deal in our early 20s. The problem here though, is that neither of you are supporting the other in your future goals. You're growing apart from each other as individuals and I think this realization of how different you are and the fact that it isn't working anymore, is the part that frustrates you. Ultimately, you know that deep down, there is a very real possibility that this girl who you have loved for the last few years may not be 'the one' for you, in the way that you had previously thought she could be, and that's why it scares you. It's very normal and "ok" to think this way, as you are only looking out for the best for both of you, even if that means that you are better off with other people.

 

Do you guys think that I am being unreasonable or even selfish in any way here??

 

No. Because the reality is that it does workout when you have a partner who supports you. It doesn't mean that you won't have fights and what not, but ultimately, someone you are compatible with understands your need to fulfill your dreams and wants to be there to share it with you. There are lots of people out there who you can care for and love and do anything in the world for because they are beautiful people inside and out, but then there are the ones who are all that and more-- they're compatible with you too. This is a major factor that we young people tend to neglect or don't really know about as a result of having only been with that one person for a long time.

 

I think you know the answers to your own questions, but you would like some reassurance on it. I hate to break it to you, but I think it's definitely time that you take a step back and start to really think about the relationship, weigh out the pros and cons, discuss things with her, see and feel out where she really stands, and then make a decision, and STICK TO IT.

 

PM me if you have any more questions.

[ConfusedAddiction]

I think you should do what you feel is right. Talk to her telling her how you feel and what you want to do. If she does not understand, try talking her into it. But how is she jealous??

 

-Jen