Rejected in bed...and being called a "robot"

[sexandlove2]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with so much of what you wrote.

 

Ive been with my husband for about 2 years. And his aggression comes and goes but it's becoming so much more common now.

 

Like today, his ex wife asked for help in paying their som's car insurance. It has turned into all day anger. He is so mad at her for saying that she needs more. He just bought a brand new car and he turned down her request for money for something else for his kids. And he says that he is not paying their college, they should get loans because he needs to look out for himself.

 

I have ignored most of his rants today. But he instantly said the my silence must mean that I'm "plotting something" in revenge for this since I am too generous to my ex and kids. He says I should not help people and he doesn't like that everyone has their hands out for money now.

 

It's def egg shells. I catch myself shaking sometimes because I'm worried of his reactions to my needs. Even day trips for work will set him off. I live in fear of his anger. He doesn't get physical. But his words hurt me terribly. I'm sorry that you are going through the pain too

[bathtub-row]

This is NOT about poor communication. This is abuse, pure and simple.

 

OP, what you're experiencing is not love. This isn't even close to love. Abusers are sick, twisted, power seekers. They are broken and unfixable. I beg you -- please do not have children with this man. He will ruin your life. And please do not waste one more second of your time trying to decipher and understand his behavior. Don't kid yourself that he will change because he won't. You made a huge mistake in marrying this guy but it's not completely unfixable. You can still leave and, luckily, there will be no children to tie him to you.

 

Ask anyone who has been with men like this. They regret every moment that they wasted by allowing themselves to be in these situations. This man will rip your life to shreds if you don't get out. This is not something to play around with and is something to take very seriously. Please stop clinging to this idiot, stop buying into his manipulations, and get as far away from him as possible.

[sandylee1]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with so much of what you wrote.

 

Ive been with my husband for about 2 years. And his aggression comes and goes but it's becoming so much more.

 

I have ignored most of his rants today. But he instantly said the my silence must mean that I'm "plotting something" in revenge for this since I am too generous to my ex and kids. He says I should not help people and he doesn't like that everyone has their hands out for money now.

 

It's def egg shells. I catch myself shaking sometimes because I'm worried of his reactions to my needs. Even day trips for work will set him off. I live in fear of his anger. He doesn't get physical. But his words hurt me terribly. I'm sorry that you are going through the pain too

 

Your husband needs help and you need to get away from him or you will end up having a nervous breakdown. You seem to be headed that way with all the abuse your suffering.

 

I don't know how your silence turns into you plotting anything and he finds fault no matter what you do. You just can't win with him.

 

I'd suggest marriage counselling, but somehow I don't think he would be receptive. I would ask him a direct question "do you want a divorce?" If he says yes, then that gets you out easily. If he says no, then you need to say that unless things change, that you are seriously considering it. State your reasons, as constantly walking on eggshells, being brought to tears and living in fear of his unpleasant outbursts constantly accusing you of ruining things.

 

If you think you won't be able to talk without him interrupting or without you becoming too emotional, then write him a letter /sent via email and retain a copy.

 

State how his behaviour is affecting your wellbeing and making you very unhappy and a healthy marriage shouldn't be like th this.

End it with I really want us to resolve these issues, so we can be happy together. Perhaps you could suggest MC as well.

 

Do not continue to tolerate this. It might be good if you're able to spend time away from him and think with a clear head. If you have a friend or relative to go to for a week or so.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well OP, it would appear you're completely ignoring the numerous posts here about your husband being an abusive ass and instead just want to bury your head in the sand because it's so nice and warm around your ears.

 

I guess when you're ready to face the fact that you're wasting your life on an abuser, you'll take your head back out and actually do something about it.

 

Good luck to you. You'll need it.

[truncated]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I agree with so much of what you wrote.

 

Ive been with my husband for about 2 years. And his aggression comes and goes but it's becoming so much more common now.

 

Like today, his ex wife asked for help in paying their som's car insurance. It has turned into all day anger. He is so mad at her for saying that she needs more. He just bought a brand new car and he turned down her request for money for something else for his kids. And he says that he is not paying their college, they should get loans because he needs to look out for himself.

 

I have ignored most of his rants today. But he instantly said the my silence must mean that I'm "plotting something" in revenge for this since I am too generous to my ex and kids. He says I should not help people and he doesn't like that everyone has their hands out for money now.

 

It's def egg shells. I catch myself shaking sometimes because I'm worried of his reactions to my needs. Even day trips for work will set him off. I live in fear of his anger. He doesn't get physical. But his words hurt me terribly. I'm sorry that you are going through the pain too

 

It sounds like he is either mentally ill, has some sort of personality disorder, or is just a garden variety jerk.

 

What is his family like? Could this be a learned behavior pattern that he saw in his parents? If it is, it may be very difficult for him to chnage.

[sexandlove2]

No his parents aren't like this at all. It's just bizarre treatment.

I really wish I could understand the behavior that I witness and/or endure. It's huts so erratic.

 

Yesterday he was terribly angry over money. Says that he did the numbers and we have very little to spend now because of all the bills. He bought a brand new sports car last month. I told him not to. But he did it anyway and now he's freaking out about money. He's so angry.

 

But then last night (after he yelled all day about it) he is asking me what's wrong? You don't love me anymore?? You aren't happy? I can't make you happy ... Etc Etc.

 

I kept my positive attitude and didn't let him get to me. But now he wants to go buy furniture today because he thinks it will "make me happy". I told him peace and financial comfort makes me happy. Not further strain. But he is on a mission to "make me happy" today.

 

Isn't this whiplash?

 

And yes I'm talking to an attorney quietly this week.

[Babs22]

No his parents aren't like this at all. It's just bizarre treatment.

I really wish I could understand the behavior that I witness and/or endure. It's huts so erratic.

 

Yesterday he was terribly angry over money. Says that he did the numbers and we have very little to spend now because of all the bills. He bought a brand new sports car last month. I told him not to. But he did it anyway and now he's freaking out about money. He's so angry.

 

But then last night (after he yelled all day about it) he is asking me what's wrong? You don't love me anymore?? You aren't happy? I can't make you happy ... Etc Etc.

 

I kept my positive attitude and didn't let him get to me. But now he wants to go buy furniture today because he thinks it will "make me happy". I told him peace and financial comfort makes me happy. Not further strain. But he is on a mission to "make me happy" today.

 

Isn't this whiplash?

 

And yes I'm talking to an attorney quietly this week.

 

His spending money to try to make himself and/or you happy is another sign of bipolar disorder. My son has BPD and he definitely exhibits this symptom. He is medicated now and it is better, but he still wants to buy things to make him happy. He admits that afterwards he feels worse. My son is 17 and I pay the bills. I know that if he was an adult and spent too much money and then got stressed over the bills, he would be angry.

 

Your husband really needs help. If he is not going to get help by seeing a psychiatrist and taking medication, I don't know how you would live with him. My son was unbearable before we found the correct medication. He would get agitated and say horrible things to us. We are adults and were able to keep a lid on our emotions for the most part. I worked on not reacting in order to deescalate situations. It is very dysfunctional. We lived that way for about a year. We have finally found a better psychiatrist and better medicine and it is like we have our son back.

 

I am glad you are talking to an attorney and I am sorry you are going through this. Going through this with my son has been one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. My son would say things that hurt badly. Usually once he calmed down he would at least recognize that what he did was wrong and apologize. Without medication, it won't get better.

[Nemetona]

He sounds like a great catch.

[sexandlove2]

In some ways, I see that his anger and frustration is the result of knowing he can't give me everything he wants to give. He's angry he's not a millionaire and def making less than he used to.

 

It's hard because I see that part of him but I also hear him swing so rapidly the Other way

[sexandlove2]

In some ways, I see that his anger and frustration is the result of knowing he can't give me everything he wants to give. He's angry he's not a millionaire and def making less than he used to.

 

It's hard because I see that part of him but I also hear him swing so rapidly the Other way...

 

For example he made it a point to tell me the other day that after paying all my own debt and car payment (for car he bought) that I ONLY have 4K left over every month. He says that is "all" I am contributing and it doesn't even pay the mortgage or electricity. I mean I am doing quite well.

[thunder777]

go stay with your mother for a week, say i dont wanna live her if your treating me like this everyday. dont mention how long your going for

 

take away the privilege of having you, he'll soon be crying for you back

[bathtub-row]

In some ways, I see that his anger and frustration is the result of knowing he can't give me everything he wants to give. He's angry he's not a millionaire and def making less than he used to.

 

It's hard because I see that part of him but I also hear him swing so rapidly the Other way

 

You're doing what every woman does who gets involved with an abuser. You're rationalizing, trying to be understanding, being enduring, seeing the good in him, and generally taking the high road.

 

This is a huge mistake and your kindness will backfire on you in the worst way. What you can't see is that you're like the frog who's thrown in a pot of cool water, then the temperature is slowly turned up until you boil to death. He is slowly cranking up the abuse and it's happened in such a way that you're questioning your sanity; questioning what you're actually seeing.

 

The truth is, good men do not treat their wives this way. Good husbands do not make you want to go to a forum and talk about how confused and unhappy you are. You are not with a good man. His past makes no difference, his wounds make no difference, his reasons make no difference, nor do his apologies and remorse make any difference. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing and his one goal is to control you because he gets a thrill out of how powerful it makes him feel. You don't understand this kind of thinking because it would never occur to you to think like that. But if you don't wake up quick and understand that this is the kind of person you're with, then not being able to see who he really is will be your undoing.

 

Btw, you might want to wander over to the abuse section if this forum. I'm certain that you'll see the pattern.

[sexandlove2]

Yes. And today it got worse. I told my husband that I had a work meeting with the woman who I will soon be consulting. It's a lunch meeting. He kept insisting that I was really meeting with a man, and that I may be "doing some weird stuff" while going to this meeting.

 

It's really awful because he keeps inferring that I'm doing something wrong. He said "why can't you do this over the phone?" "Are you sure you are meeting with a woman?" "I don't like this..." "There is something up here.."

 

I know that he will probably hire a PI or something to come check and see if I am really at lunch with this woman. Which i am!

 

But I just can't take all the inferences about a work meeting!

[bathtub-row]

But I just can't take all the inferences about a work meeting!

 

Try not to get caught up in the details of his little dramas. Instead, step back and try to see the big picture - which is about controlling you, confusing you, etc. Although he would deny it until his last breath, this is a real game he's playing with you that is designed to keep you on the defensive, to keep you wondering, and to keep you off-balance.

 

His anger seems to be about love, doesn't it? So that you'll think about how he really loves you and that explains why he acts this way. The mixed messages are enormous and they will never end. If it wasn't about this lunch, it would be about your boss, or grocery shopping, or anything else this Drama King could dream up. And if you ever do leave him, be prepared for the performance of a lifetime. Until you see him for what he really is, he will continue to control and manipulate you through these mini dramas.

 

Someone already suggested the book "Why Does He Do That?" It is the definitive book on abuse. The author worked with thousands of abusers and he understands them like no one else. Please read the book, and please don't waste your time trying to talk to or reason with your husband. Everything he does - even appearing to agree with you or agreeing to improve his behavior - is based on how to keep you around so that he can be abusive and controlling again.

[CarrieT]

And yes I'm talking to an attorney quietly this week.

 

Soon, please

 

And keep posting here - it will help show you that you are not in a healthy relationship at all.

[sexandlove2]

Something that happened recently really hurt my feeling. I was getting concerned with something I found. A letter from a woman. It turned out to be work related, but when I questioned him he made sure to tell me that if he wanted to cheat... He wasn't stupid... That he can hide things VERY well. But then said he would never cheat on me.

 

Why would he insist on pointing out that he would be such a well hidden cheater? and when that made me cry... He said I was a victim and I like being the victim.

 

Last night... We had laundry to fold. He kept saying he would do it. He didn't. So while he was doing something outside, I did it. When he came in he said "now I have to go fold laundry" ....I said "no, I already did it."

 

His response? "Here we go with you being a victim again."

 

How js that being a victim?

[sandylee1]

when I questioned him he made sure to tell me that if he wanted to cheat... He wasn't stupid... That he can hide things VERY well. But then said he would never cheat on me.

 

 

In isolation, I consider the above statement plausible. I said something similar when I was pregnant and my husband suggested the baby wasn't his. Something like..why would I be so stupid to do that when DNA tests exists.

 

But your husband has way too many issues and the relationship is very unhealthy.

[sexandlove2]

Well, I guess he has told me it's over now. He went through my phone and emails and saw that I had contracted biz out to my ex husband. I never saw him in person but the mere fact that I used him at all has him "betrayed". "Disgusted" and "devastated".

 

He says that he thinks all I want from him is money and he is done. He has ALL of my money etc but clearly I'm using HIM. Eye roll.

 

Now I have to go back to the house tonight and get my things. I'm nervous. He says he would never hurt me. But I think he will try to keep eberything.

 

I am shell shocked.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry! Please let us know that you're ok...

 

Stay strong.

[thunder777]

yep seperate

 

not permanently but you need a break, and he needs therapy

[anika99]

yes separate, make it permanent and get yourself therapy! Your husband sounds personality disordered to me and it takes years of therapy to fix that and most personality disordered people never get therapy because they don't think there is anything wrong with them. They think everyone else is the problem,.

[sexandlove2]

I went back to the house and we fought for hours. He basically insulted me constantly and said "maybe I picked the wrong woman". Then he told me he would only give me a very small portion of the money I have contributed.

 

And THIS fight started because he went through my phone. My texts. My voicemails and emails. All he came up with is that I suggested my ex for a job and he thanked me.

 

He said that is betraying him and he doesn't think I was ever on his side.

 

I didn't leave. I stayed. Because I know from previous law discussions, if I leave .. I could be considered abandoning my things and the house. So I'm going to fake it for a day or two until I get with my attorney.

 

He says he loves me more than anything, but he just doesn't see me smiling and happy and he doesn't think he can ever do right.

[Dolfin80]

Abusive men say anything you get you back under control. It's called the "Hoover". They suck you right back into their vortex of control. This is mind control. Google 'the cycle of abuse' it's a clearly defined pattern.

 

Please join and post on this forum, the women on there can give you heaps of support and advice as most have been through what you are experiencing.

 

MAIN FORUM - Our Place Forum

Edited September 29, 2015 by Dolfin80

[sexandlove2]

Thanks for your response. I tried posting in that abuse forum, but I think it takes awhile to activate my account. I will keep looking.

 

I know he has this cycle. This morning he was whining in bed -- crying --saying he knows I'm going to leave him. He was an hour late for work because he kept telling me he thought I was going to leave him and he couldn't take it anymore. He loves me but he's not going to hold me prisoner. I told him I wasn't leaving this morning and he needed to go to work. He cried again -- said that he felt that all this stress was going to kill him. He said "I think everyone will be so happy when I have a stroke and die...."

 

He was pathetic. I told him to stop being so crazy and just trust that I'm not leaving while he's gone. I said ...just go to work! He finally did and he found me hear when he came home. He is back to normal and talking like nothing really happened. He keeps asking "do you still love me?"

 

I tell him my love is not a question. My pain is deep. He says that he never wanted to hurt me...and he can't believe we got into such an awful fight AGAIN.

 

He thinks I'm beautiful smart etc. But last night -- here's the problem. I have contributed 45k to him in the last 4 months. He insisted on trading in my old car last month because the title was in my ex's name and he hated that. I said no...we can't afford it. He said -- yes, I want to buy my baby a new car. So, he put it in his name. The "upside down" element of that car was 9k. He said he was going to take that 9k and put it on a zero interest credit card and have it all paid off in no time. So, I turned the car in (the 9k outstanding is in my ex's name). I got this new car with a HUGE montly payment. I told him it was TOO MUCH. He said "no, I want you to have this...I'm taking care of you!"

 

He bought the car. THEN the next day he came back and bought a sports car for himself. 60k. I was in shock.

 

Well, last night - he said money is tight and that I need to pay my HUGE car payment AND he said (knowing he has all of my money)... "how are you going to pay off your ex's car? I said -- YOU SAID YOU WOULD! YOU HAVE ALL OF MY MONEY! AND You said you would use the credit card to pay off the balance!?!

 

He said ...no, I'm not doing that. No way. I am not doing that. You are going to have use whatever money you have left ...to pay it.

 

I was/am in shock. So he's locked all of my money -- won't let me see where it's going freely - and now I have 3 days to convince him to pay off my ex's car ...like he promised or my ex will get a 30 days late.

 

I haven't brought up the subject today to see if he's still on this mission. I am just numb -- and he said that he thinks my ex and I are on a mission to "scam" him.

 

What do I do????/

[Dolfin80]

Thanks for your response.

 

What do I do????/

 

You're welcome. Next time he goes to work pack up your things and leave for good. Never speak to him again. Go stay with a friend until you get on your feet. Immediately go no contact and speak with a solicitor. Make sure he does not know where you are staying or living.

 

He's abusive so you need to get away from him for your own safety. Two women die per week here in Australia at the hands of a spouse or ex spouse. Please look after yourself and get to safety now. Abusive men only get worse and are most dangerous when you leave them. That's why you can not tell him where you are living and have no contact with him.