Struggling with on and off feelings

[Harradin]

I've been struggling with feelings for a friend of mine at university for about a year, the feelings generally come and go so I'd say that I've liked her for about 6 months. When I don't see her, the feelings go away but if I see/interact with her, the feelings come straight back.

 

The feelings originally came round a year ago, I wanted to ask her out straight away but I got admitted to hospital (she was present and saved my life,) so it was somewhat delayed. I ended up asking her out a month later to which she turned me down and the feelings went away when I went home for the summer.

 

She acted strangely towards me when we both came back to uni, which to summarize: she got protective of me, wouldn't live me alone and continually asked whether I was okay for a couple of weeks. I approached her about it and she claimed it was nurse mode and she denied having feelings for me or trying to play me. As it turned out, she was "seeing/FWB" someone else and the feelings went away and it was awkward for a little while but we got back to normal being friends.

 

This year the feelings came back strongly, where I freaked out and subconsciously pushed her away by acting like a complete knob (mostly alcohol was involved) to her. Its making me think I have commitment issues which is a different issue and I'm researching it atm. I spent most of the year apologizing to her, she forgave me everytime without question but I feel that the damage has been done. The feelings had gone away, but came back this week when I saw her again as part of a group but I didn't speak to her.

 

I'm thinking about treating this like a breakup and going NC until I can get these feelings under control. Would this be a good plan? Let me know any other suggestions you have and they would be hugely appreciated.

[Harradin]

I was going to post in Coping.

 

The day after I posted this, I bumped into her on a night out where we hung out, danced together and she held my hand. At the end of the night (she hadn't been drinking and I'd sobered up, so I decided to bring my feelings up.

 

I told her how I felt about her and she told me she only ever saw me as a "close friend." She explained that she forgave me so easily when I was a knob to her, because she (somehow) knew that I wasn't doing it to cause offense and still regularly spoke to me because we're "close." We agreed that we wouldn't talk anymore until my feelings went away.

 

I will be seeing her 2+ times a week which is out of my own control, but I will be implementing NC as I see fit. These feelings of rejection really suck, but I'm going to be really busy at university this year so I'm hoping that it won't be long before they go.