New beginnings Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Well readers this is my first post from a longtime reader. I have used this site to evaluate peoples opinions and advice for divorce and coping. Its a sad thought to think that I knew it has been coming for awhile. And now that it is here, I realize there are just some things in life you just can't prepare yourself. The two things I am having trouble with,other than my emotions is I have a soon to be ex wife that will not leave me be and just try to live my life in peace, And try to rebuild my life with hopefully someone to love me as I deserved to be loved. Boarder line stalking. She just shows up, sends letters, cards and even flowers with notes attached to them. some are just simple, I love you and miss you, and some are just, well weird. Things like I know you can't live with out me, come home, I'll wait forever. The other is I have two daughters that does not want anything to do with there own mother due to her actions. One is seventeen and the other just turned nineteen. I have never bad mouthed there mother and have always told them that she is there mother and that she loves them very much. A little back story of my life. I caught my wife in an affair about four years ago and confronted her. She cried and told me she was sorry and that she only loved me. Wanted to grow old with me and the affair didn't mean anything to her. But the biggest shock in awe was not the affair, but she intended to have short term affairs and if I didn't like it she would divorce me, take the girls and make it impossible for me to see them, all kinds of threats. I didn't know if they where hollow threats or not but I decided to stay until the girls where graduated then file for divorce. So I had plenty of time to prepare myself financially and some what emotionally. So much has happened in between the time from four years till now.but that might be a short story. I never abused my wife, I always tried to keep the passion and bedroom active and adventurous.I always tried to stay supportive of her and her decisions in life. well other than her having affairs. And after finding out about her affairs I just pulled away. just biding my time I guess. My main concern is my two daughters. I know there pretty much adults but I really don't want them to have hate in there hearts. Especially towards there mown mother. Alone but free and confused in the NW... Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Your wife made good on the promise to keep having affairs? Wow. I don't think there's much you can do about your daughters' feelings for her ....they're bscly grown and no longer under your control (almost in the case of your 17 yr old), so those things will be what they will be. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 As soon as the divorce comes through, make sure you block every possible avenue of contact with her, and only agree to speak with her solely and uniquely to discuss the well-being and welfare of the girls. If she broaches ANYTHING to do with you two, hang up or walk away. Doesn't matter what it is: if it touches on you two and any type of emotional connection, hang up, or leave the discussion. This is over. SHE made it over. This is now your life and you can - you MUST - live it without her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 I've heard in domestic violence cases for women to explicitly tell men that they don't want to be with them, that they don't love them, that there is no hope. I've tried it and it works. You could try that with her. Your kids are making up their own minds. If their mom is using them as objects to take revenge on you, that is abuse. Don't make the mistake of my mom who encouraged contact with an ex who was set out to destroy her through destroying her kids. If you teach your kids to love their mom and they still don't want contact with her I would honor that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 The two things I am having trouble with,other than my emotions is I have a soon to be ex wife that will not leave me be and just try to live my life in peace, And try to rebuild my life with hopefully someone to love me as I deserved to be loved. Boarder line stalking. She just shows up, sends letters, cards and even flowers with notes attached to them. some are just simple, I love you and miss you, and some are just, well weird. Things like I know you can't live with out me, come home, I'll wait forever. Remember the old Elvis song "Return to Sender"? Since your daughters can communicate on their own, you don't even need the normal co-parent interactions. If you don't open cards, letters, emails or texts, you diminish both her effect on you and desire to continue. Just unplug from her 100%. She can wait forever - for your response... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 Have you filed for divorce? Have you moved out or she moved out? What is the official status of your divorce process? I would actually be interested in hearing about what happened during the four years you stayed with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author New beginnings Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 I would like to say thanks for every ones advice. Its always nice to have another point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
Author New beginnings Posted September 27, 2015 Author Share Posted September 27, 2015 I would be glad to answer your questions popsicle. Yes, I have filed for divorce.my wife is intent on fighting it and dragging her family, friends and whomever she can in to it. I moved out awhile ago.my intention was to wait till my daughters where graduated but my hand was forced to move up the timing. I left and had my wife served. changed my number and already had a new place to call home.my plan was to have no contact whatsoever. and I am still sticking to that plan as best as I can. I figure we can have some type of closure at the mandatory counseling the courts are going to request. the divorce is in its process. both of my girls were dead set on coming with me.so they are living with me. I made them a big dinner and expressed my concern for the feelings they have towards there mother and let them know I acknowledged that they are adults and part of being an adult is the ability to make up there own mind about, well everything life has to offer. I told them I will always be here to support them in there decisions and be here for any advice they might need. As for what the last few years where like. well they were cold. I fought depression, issues with my self esteem, self worth and everything that goes along with depression. I faked a smile when need be and just tried to hold on to my sanity. After everything that has transpired lately I feel a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. the fog has finally lifted. during dinner my girls looked at me and my heart broke a little when they told me it was about time I laughed, smiled and was being my old self. it was a reminder of how far down the rabbit hole of darkness I fell and also a reminder of how far I have come to make it out. gave me hope for a better tomorrow.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Wow, that is remarkable. Thank you for sharing and I wish you so much luck. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 She just shows up, sends letters, cards and even flowers with notes attached to them. some are just simple, I love you and miss you, and some are just, well weird. Things like I know you can't live with out me, come home, I'll wait forever. she intended to have short term affairs and if I didn't like it she would divorce me, take the girls and make it impossible for me to see them,. WOW have you read about narcissism?? she took advantage of your lack of self esteem mixed with your love to your daughters. it is time for a new beginning as your nickname advise good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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