Extreme anxiety, addiction, uncapable of moving on with life

[MissLilly]

I am aware LS is not the place i should look for help knowing how bad i am feeling, but right now is the only place i can vent a bit and maybe take out of my head the thoughts i'm truly going insane.

 

I don't remember what I wrote here and I don't want to look at my past threads because I don't wanna live again all the situations i went through.

 

I am scared of EVERYTHING.

 

I have terrible anxiety attacks. Really terrible. It feels like my head, heart and chest will explode at any moment and i end up bursting in tears for a whole hour and nothing makes me stop.

 

I had a terrible year, after many other ones. I don't wish the life i'm having on anyone! I feel the smallest, ugliest, useless person in the world and I can't see anything through this. At the same time I blame myself for feeling this bad because I should be strong so I end up in a circle of feeling bad > punishing myself for this all the time.

 

I don't remember what I wrote in my past threads but I'm still stuck in a relationship I feel is not good for me, but I can't end ir for good. My boyfriend is a very impulsive ex addict, and I had terrible moments with him but I'm too attached to his good sides.

 

Thing is I am always scared he will slip. I am always in a panic state of control I am not even sure WHY. We broke up this year a few times and we could be apart from each other for a nice amount of time. I wasn't forgetting him but I felt my life improving a little; I started studying Buddhism, made a few new friends, was taking care of myself and planning life ahead... but I couldn't forget him and when he came back I accepted him right away. He promised me so many things and for a good amount of time things went well, until one month later he started doing the same bad things again.

 

I went nuts, I reacted really bad. I cried, screamed, I am mad at myself. I was doing well but I got sucked in again. This relationship is not good for me, my physical and mental state are a good and solid proof of it BUT i am not being able to forget this man. I don't know which is worst, to be with our without him.

 

I am so tired. So drained. I am thinking about ending my life so strong is the anxiety and desperation for relieve and liberation I am seeking. But I can't. My therapist said I am not made to live alone and he insists on this.

 

But i am so tired, how can you stop loving, attaching?

[Clockwatching]

I can empathise with what you're going through having dealt with anxiety - one thing that I would say is that anxiety has some very valuable lessons for you as it indicates that there are things in your life which are causing you emotional upset and that you're not coping with. Seeing as you've brought up your relationship as the major driver in your life it would seem that this is primarily what's causing you to feel so wretched, and very telling that you started to feel better when you'd split up, describing it as a 'nice' time apart.

 

Considering this, it sounds like being apart from this man is exactly what you need to get your head together - I'm not sure why your therapist is telling you that you need to be with someone, other than you're the type of person who ideally wants a partner, but it doesn't mean that this particular partner is the right one for you.

 

Aside from what your therapist tells you and what others may be telling you, maybe take some time to listen to yourself - your feelings are good guides for indicating the direction you need to be taking.

 

The rub to this is that you won't do this until you've absolutely reached the end for you and where your needs become more important than keeping the relationship, and no one can tell you when that will happen - that kind of resolution takes different things for everyone, but when it does happen you'll see the way. Good luck xx