Boyfriend Will Be Out Of Town For a Week Or So

[hippychick3]

Also, regarding his reasons for not calling for a week...if he had considered you important enough, he would have made it very clear before leaving what the situation would be. If my boyfriend were to suddenly go silent for a week after daily contact for 2 years, he wouldn't expect me to be waiting around when he returned (providing I knew he was safe, of course). He would have told me in advance the circumstances.

[AnyTakers]

Also, regarding his reasons for not calling for a week...if he had considered you important enough, he would have made it very clear before leaving what the situation would be. If my boyfriend were to suddenly go silent for a week after daily contact for 2 years, he wouldn't expect me to be waiting around when he returned (providing I knew he was safe, of course). He would have told me in advance the circumstances.

 

Exactly, but you know what? Those clingy days are over! I've got the power now. I've found him waiting on me now, not that I particularly care for him to do so, but it feels good to not have to be the one doing it. We talked every single day before he left out of town, so I was not used to going DAYS without talking. So it was indeed a wake-up call for sure, for me. It told me how important I really am to him (obviously not very). It's okay though. I didn't even shed a tear when he was gone. I didn't throw a fit. I didn't blow up his phone. 5 or so years ago, I would have done something like that. So I can tell that I have truly grown up. It's my time now to start doing things on my own terms, and I will do just that. :D

[Lois_Griffin]

He called me today, but I was at work so he left a message. I listened to the message and he said he had a great trip and got my birthday card I mailed him, but said nothing about him not even calling me. I called him back a little later and he answered and we talked about his trip and I asked him flat out after thinking about the responses I've received from you all, if the reason why he hasn't felt the need to contact me was because we are in a virtual relationship. He said he doesn't feel we are in a virtual relationship. I told him that in a way we are because we haven't seen each other in person. He said it's true that we haven't seen each other. Since he insisted that to HIM it isn't a virtual relationship, I went ahead and told him that lately I have been feeling taken for granted and this not hearing from him at all while he was gone has made me feel like we aren't even in a relationship. I also told him that I have felt that I have been giving more of myself than he has (i.e. my time, sending pictures of myself to him, being available when he wants to talk on the phone or the computer or seeing each other on the webcam) and I have felt like I haven't gotten much of that in return and that isn't fair. He said "That's not good". I told him rather than just telling me that that isn't good, that he needs to do something about that to where we are BOTH feeling like our needs are met and not just ONE of us. Do you feel I've came on too strong or would you say this qualifies as me communicating what I want? Did I sound a bit too harsh?

When you have to TELL someone how to behave like any normal person WOULD in a relationship, I think you're just wasting your time at that point.

 

If he's not compelled to treat you the way he should, why should you have to TELL him to do it?

 

Here's an example. When I was dating my husband and he went away on business, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't hear from him at least two times or more every SINGLE day.

 

Not because I had to TELL him to contact me, it was because he WANTED to.

 

And that's the difference.

I have realized I have spent years overcompensating for a guy and I am tired of that.

You're absolutely right. I'm sure there was probably at least ONE guy at this supposed remote camping area that had some kind of internet access that he could have used to send a quick email. It just sounds awfully fishy, that whole camping story.

 

You say you've been 'friends' for years. But the truth is, you've been 'virtual' friends for years.

 

And I don't understand your answer. If he's supposedly fine coming to YOU for your first meet, why are you 'saving up' until spring before this happens?

 

No more putting my life on hold for someone else. I've missed out on too much doing that.

You sure have missed a lot in life, dedicating yourself to a Skype screen. It's my hope you see how futile this whole thing is and meet a nice guy in real life that you can actually sit across a table from.

[AnyTakers]

When you have to TELL someone how to behave like any normal person WOULD in a relationship, I think you're just wasting your time at that point.

 

If he's not compelled to treat you the way he should, why should you have to TELL him to do it?

 

Here's an example. When I was dating my husband and he went away on business, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't hear from him at least two times or more every SINGLE day.

 

Not because I had to TELL him to contact me, it was because he WANTED to.

 

And that's the difference.

 

You're absolutely right. I'm sure there was probably at least ONE guy at this supposed remote camping area that had some kind of internet access that he could have used to send a quick email. It just sounds awfully fishy, that whole camping story.

 

You say you've been 'friends' for years. But the truth is, you've been 'virtual' friends for years.

 

And I don't understand your answer. If he's supposedly fine coming to YOU for your first meet, why are you 'saving up' until spring before this happens?

 

 

You sure have missed a lot in life, dedicating yourself to a Skype screen. It's my hope you see how futile this whole thing is and meet a nice guy in real life that you can actually sit across a table from.

 

I was calling myself saving because I was going to go to meet him at first, but then when I realized that I am once again putting myself in a situation where I am possibly overcompensating, I asked him how would he feel if he came to visit me instead, because truth be told, that will tell me how serious he is, and that will take the pressure off of me to have to save up the money. It will be on him from here on out. Either way, until I see he is serious about me, then I am keeping my distance and not going to get emotionally vested in him like I once did. Even the compliments he pays me as of late falls on deaf ears. They're nice and all, but it doesn't mean anything if he isn't serious about me.

[hippychick3]

I was calling myself saving because I was going to go to meet him at first, but then when I realized that I am once again putting myself in a situation where I am possibly overcompensating, I asked him how would he feel if he came to visit me instead, because truth be told, that will tell me how serious he is, and that will take the pressure off of me to have to save up the money. It will be on him from here on out. Either way, until I see he is serious about me, then I am keeping my distance and not going to get emotionally vested in him like I once did. Even the compliments he pays me as of late falls on deaf ears. They're nice and all, but it doesn't mean anything if he isn't serious about me.

 

Good for you!

 

Now, just sit back and observe his behavior. Do not bring up him visiting you or ask him when you'll see each other. Let him pursue you. That is the only way you'll know if he really is serious. There is no reason to waste your time with a virtual relationship that isn't going anywhere. In the meantime, go out there and live your life

[justwhoiam]

Wait... so he was camping for the week and you were mad that he wasn't going to be calling/emailing you?

 

I'm guessing you've never been camping before, eh?

 

In thread like this, I always recommend thinking really hard about why you are in a relationship with someone so far away from yourself. For you, I'd double down on that question, because it sounds like your expectations are really high.

 

I have two questions for you.

 

1. Are you a man?

2. Are you married?

 

just sit back and observe his behavior. Do not bring up him visiting you or ask him when you'll see each other. Let him pursue you. That is the only way you'll know if he really is serious.

There's always another perspective other than our own... like in this case. With this line of behavior, one must be prepared for the other person to give up, for lack of interest.

[rester]

I'd like to add to this thread that some people may overestimate cellphone coverage in the US. I live in a major city and I will lose service just an hour to either the east or west. I'm regularly out of cell range, I'd say probably 8-10 full days each and every month for either work or recreation, although not consecutive.

 

I can understand completely why someone on a week-long birthday camping trip wouldn't be calling or using a phone while on the trip. Luckily, my girlfriend understands this as well, although we have had many discussions about it and communicated our feelings about it to each other.

 

edited to add:

Also, regarding his reasons for not calling for a week...if he had considered you important enough, he would have made it very clear before leaving what the situation would be. If my boyfriend were to suddenly go silent for a week after daily contact for 2 years, he wouldn't expect me to be waiting around when he returned (providing I knew he was safe, of course). He would have told me in advance the circumstances.

 

This brings up a good point. I assumed he DID inform the OP what the situation was, because she described his week-long camping trip. This sounds to me like a typical communication breakdown. OP assumed he would still be calling her from the camping trip. Her boyfriend assumed she knew he wouldn't be calling her. Both assumptions turned out to be wrong.

Edited October 29, 2015 by rester

[hippychick3]

edited to add:

 

 

This brings up a good point. I assumed he DID inform the OP what the situation was, because she described his week-long camping trip. This sounds to me like a typical communication breakdown. OP assumed he would still be calling her from the camping trip. Her boyfriend assumed she knew he wouldn't be calling her. Both assumptions turned out to be wrong.

 

Exactly. The problem was that he didn't consider her important enough to communicate with. It's not a real relationship to him (or real enough). That lack of communication doesn't happen in a healthy, normal relationship.

[AnyTakers]

I'd like to add to this thread that some people may overestimate cellphone coverage in the US. I live in a major city and I will lose service just an hour to either the east or west. I'm regularly out of cell range, I'd say probably 8-10 full days each and every month for either work or recreation, although not consecutive.

 

I can understand completely why someone on a week-long birthday camping trip wouldn't be calling or using a phone while on the trip. Luckily, my girlfriend understands this as well, although we have had many discussions about it and communicated our feelings about it to each other.

 

edited to add:

 

 

This brings up a good point. I assumed he DID inform the OP what the situation was, because she described his week-long camping trip. This sounds to me like a typical communication breakdown. OP assumed he would still be calling her from the camping trip. Her boyfriend assumed she knew he wouldn't be calling her. Both assumptions turned out to be wrong.

 

That's what I think it may have been. We have been doing well since then. I still voice what I feel, if need be, as does he, and we pick ourselves up and move forward.

Thanks for this perspective.

[AnyTakers]

Exactly. The problem was that he didn't consider her important enough to communicate with. It's not a real relationship to him (or real enough). That lack of communication doesn't happen in a healthy, normal relationship.

 

We talked about the communication part when he wasn't in town and he was in Canada and while he was there, there really was no way for him to call. I just chalked it up to it being his birthday week and when he did get back, he did make things up to me. Still, it has made me realize that I cannot and will not overcompensate myself for a guy, and I haven't and to my astonishment, he has been more attentive because of it. The friends that he went camping with know about me and I know quite a bit about them. So I will see where things go meanwhile living my life.