Why do guys refuse to provide closure?

[kkat]

Jen,

 

I came across my post and am sending you good thoughts and concern.

 

I've been there myself and I know how it feels to have overwhelming, can't-get-out-of-bed depression in the midst of "no job, no money, love-of-my-life loves someone else, father very ill" chaos.

 

Somehow, I survived it and now I am thriving most days (still have low days but all in all I am better than ever...). You can too.

 

Are you able to do things that help you feel a bit better, hour by hour, day by day?

 

On the issue of why this guy bailed like this and didn't respond to your request for answers...it sounds like he has a pattern of doing this previously. Maybe he is not being honest with you or himself about something, maybe he gets "cold-feet", who knows. But if he was as loving and caring as he projected, he would at least be open and honest with you about WHY he is doing this. He's being a cad. But that doesn't help your broken heart right now, I know, and I am sorry for your pain.

 

Good luck to you.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I just wanted to thank everyone who's responded to my posting with such kind words of hope and encouragement. You all are awesome!

 

I'm getting along okay, but I have to take each hour and day as it comes, otherwise the fear and longing is too overwhelming.

 

Yesterday I talked to the ex b/f. He finally admitted that he was pursuing someone else towards the end of our relationship. I told him that his doing that was NOT okay, and that telling me he loved me and making plans for our future just days before dumping me was a very cruel and immature thing to do -- and indeed that's what threw me off the deep end.

 

The reason he called me was because I had to leave him a message that he call me right away because I had something important to tell him. I found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant. Although there are indications that this is not a viable pregnancy....it may be ectopic (tubal) because the preganancy hormones are very low in my blood....he needed to know because I do expect him to pay for the out-of-pocket medical expenses. I will find out tomorrow after the results from the ultrasound are in.

 

Of course when we talked he was a jerk about things at first, but I think he's finally understanding how this latest revelation is very hard for me to deal with emotionally. He mentioned that he was going to be out of town for a few days. He wouldn't say for what reason, but I assume it's to help his new girlfriend move to the area. When I asked him if that's what it was, he got silent.

 

I told him that of all the men in the world, he was the last one I would have expected to cheat on me, whether physically or emotionally. He claims that he regrets the lies and deception, but he wasn't contrite enough for me to fully believe that. I think he's just too afraid to be alone, and when he secured her a job here, he dumped me knowing that he would have a replacement waiting.

[DeaconFrost]

Originally posted by sleeplessincnd

I just have a question for Deacon - my situation is the opposite. My man was never very good at saying he loved me but he showed it all the time, that is why this whole break-up thing seems so strange.

 

So what does it mean when he shows you he loves you all the time but tells you otherwise?

 

Is this an indication that it might not be just about us and there might be extenuating circumstances impacting our relationship?

 

I'm a bit pissed as I write this because I wrote an awesome post for like 35 minutes and it was cleared out when the server reset itself . Anyway, I'm gonna have to abbreviate it cause I don't want to write anymore...From what I can see, your guy was merely going through the motions with you. You see, we all have routine behavior implanted in us when we get in certain situations and likewise we all have a subset of actions, thoughts, and words in a relationship environment. Its likely that he was acting normal; the way he always had because of two possible reasons: 1) he was entertaining the idea of breaking up and wasn't entirely sure if that's what he wanted (of course if this was the case he certainly wouldn't tell you or give you any indication. Why would he?) 2) He had already decided to breakup and was merely waiting for the proper moment to execute his decision. How do I know? Becuase i've been there before and done it on both accounts...

 

I hate to be the beaer of bad news, but his actions were probably just part of his strategy. They were part of the dance, part of the norm. He most likely hadn't made his decision yet. That's why it surprised you like it did. As I stated previously, words are useless unless they are verified by actions. But, its important to not devalue the impact that words have in a relationship. How else can you communicate that you've got butterflies in your stomach, that you dream about your loved one, or that they look so damn sexy standing half naked in the dim light (yeeeeeaaahhhh....I'm a big fan of Victoria's Secret). Thus, words are essential in expressing the unexpressable, but they can also be a lack luster sales pitch if there's nothing behind them. After all, both the heart and the head can use words. To some it up, words are your introduction to love and actions are what prove its existence. But in your case, the words were the action in itself. He told you how he was feeling towards the relationship and in the same stretch decided to end it.

 

Its important to note that we are dealing with a male here. As I'm sure most of you laides know we males are not exactly the greatest pontificators of emotional expression. It can be difficult to verbalize what we are experiencing and its even more difficult to communicate it to you (we definately are not born with this skill). Having said that, if a guy can work up the courage to tell you point blank that it just isn't working out for him than I have little reason to doubt him. And in this instance that you have described I also doubt there were some external influences. It sounds like he wanted to make it work, but in his heart it just wasn't happening. At least that's my interpretation anyway...

[DeaconFrost]

Jen - Wow, that's some heavy sh*t girl. But, it'll be alright. Look at it this way; either he'll grow some balls and step forward to take care of his child like a real man should or he bail like a coward and you'll never have to deal with him and his petty ways again (assuming abortion is not an option for you). With a child involved now is not the time to play games. I'd lay it to him straight if he hasn't grapsed the concept. If he hasn't, just tell him to ask his mother what she thinks of the situation and I'm sure she'd be willing to fill his sorry ass in.

 

All I can say is I'm sorry for ya. Its pretty lame to lead someone along when there is another person in the picture. Your better off on both sides to just call it quits and move in seperate directions. The lies and deceit get you no where. But, I'm a firm believer in karma. It may not happen today or ten years from now, but those who inflict pain intentionally will receive their just punishment in due time.

 

You know what? Let the schmuck go. He's not good for you and would only hold you back from blooming fully (you didn't forget what you are, right? ). I find it calming (no matter how miniscule) to tell myself and know that whoever I was previously was with was just not the person I was meant to make that long haul with. They couldn't shake out their end and proved that they simply couldn't make the grade. Neither I nor you want to be with someone who isn't up to snuff. Why would we settle for mediocrity when we can have profound, sustaining, and enriching love? All it takes is patience and dedication. Dedication to not only pursuing the best match for you, but also in improving yourself, rectifying your faults, and in generally vowing to never stagnate. You've got to grab life by the horns and even in the worst of situations find the beauty. Its a life long lesson, but the sooner one can understand that idea the better.

 

Listen, I can spit out fables, quotes, passages and parables all day long, but at the end of the day its what we hash out ourselves that counts. Its up to you to find YOU and its up to YOU decide where you want to go. Just by the tone in your last post I can already tell your making progress. Your wording is different and your prescence has already begun to change. That's great! Continue to develop that and I'll guarantee you won't be dissappointed. Progress and a new you are just over the horizon. The question is not "are you ready for the trip?" but "what's waiting for me on the other end?"...Baby or no baby, I'm sure you'll be presently surprised what you'll find if you look hard enough

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by katiebour

Breakups suck. Men who are so immature that they lie to your face, telling you they love you, then break up with you the next day suck. I was there four months ago and it still hurts.

 

Men don't neccessarily feel bad or guilty the way we'd like them to when we confront them with their lies and question them- some see it as an opportunity to list all the reasons why they're breaking up with you, as if any of those reasons would be a good enough excuse for breaking someone's heart.

 

My ex made love to me in the most romantic, passionate way a month before we broke up- when I asked him how he could do that if he didn't love me, he just shrugged and said that he "enjoyed it."

 

A woman call do all this too, Katie. And it hurts just as bad. Juliet was incredibly romantic and passionate just days before she broke up with me... on the phone on new year's eve. She walked out my door, said "see you later", ran down the motorway to her mum's house, then phoned to say I shouldn't come for the party because I was dumped.

[katiebour]

You're right Romeo- both men and women can be careless with someone's heart, and both can fake love pretty convincingly. Please don't take my words as men-bashing- I love men!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by katiebour

Please don't take my words as men-bashing- I love men!

 

No problem, then. I wasn't sure.

 

Actually, I have to confess that I have had to be careful myself. It's so easy to transpose Juliet's attitudes onto other woman, when they don't deserve it.

 

Jen, I don't have words to express how I feel. Both about the unfaithfulness and about how "responsible" he is being about his child...