nescafe1982 Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) Some recent exchanges with other women in my family have me a little upset and I thought I'd ask for some advice/input. Basically, my mom, my aunt (her sister), and my cousin (aunt's daughter) have all been sort of snipe-y towards me for the past year or two. I want to stand up for myself and confront their hater behavior, but I don't want to cause unnecessary drama or simply limit my interaction with them. The behaviors in question began when I got engaged to my husband a little over a year ago. My mom and I have always had a strained relationship, primarily because my father was abusive and she enabled him. We didn't speak much for a good portion of my youth. Instead, I became pretty close to my aunt and her daughter... and my aunt played a significantly positive role in my life when I suffered my last big breakup in 2010. She and my cousin (not my mom) sort of picked me up, dusted me off, and helped me recover. We were so close for a time, and I loved having women in my life who were supportive and comforting. But when I started dating again, met the new man, and eventually got engaged to him, I felt a significant new distancing by my aunt and her daughter (who is, for the record, in her 20s. I'm in my early 30s, a bit older). When I would talk to them about my life, how things were going, they became really critical. About everything. I was planning my wedding "wrong," having it in the wrong place, I was always making the "wrong" career choices, and it seemed like everything I say they have a negative rebuttal. When i sent my aunt and cousin their invites to the wedding, they never RSVPed... but didn't come to the wedding either. Meanwhile, my mother and I grew a little bit closer but I've never been able to share much with her--- she is consistently negative about my life and my choices and for a time was also unclear about whether she would attend the wedding (she did come, in the end). Anyway, the negativity my aunt and cousin have shown me these past few months has really hurt my feelings. And it continues in the small interactions we have today: This afternoon I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me my aunt had sniped me at a recent family gathering for being underemployed. She also frequently makes inappropriate (and usually negative) comparisons between her daughter (my cousin) and I. I think the comparisons further fuel the weird toxic feelings I feel when my cousin and I interact. I can't help but wonder if these women are upset that I have had some successes in the part couple of years: I got my PhD, I got married, and though underemployed I am working in a great research center in a nice city. But whenever I interact with these family members, I feel like I cannot tell them about any of the positive things in my life because they will react negatively or say cruel things. I also wonder if I have walked myself right into this toxic web of relationships by becoming so close to my aunt during my last breakup. During that crisis, my aunt really did take the role of my "mother." She really saved my ass. But I wonder if her doing so a) produced bad blood and toxic feelings in my cousin (who is an only child and maybe resented my friendship with her mom) and/or b) created a relationship based on crisis, meaning that when I got "better," she could not be legitimately happy for me. Anyway, I don't know: is there anything I can do to set these relationships aright? I really want to have good strong friendships with my female relatives... but honestly, I'm not sure they are supportive at all. Edited September 26, 2015 by nescafe1982 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 26, 2015 Share Posted September 26, 2015 first off we are not responsible for others and how they behave .in this case you are not responsible for anothers bad behavior..or the way they talk....or physically intrude...... i have had spiteful interactions with family members...the hardest thing to do is not fight back......and after a while you become desensitized to their behaviours.....if family members are not positive with em about what i am doing considering i feel good and am happy with what i am doing or who i am with.....thats their problem not mine...... i would try and still do try to steer interactions and conversations into more neutral territory or common ground when we are at an impasse...and if the negativity continued i would question them outright why they felt the need to say what they said let them know they are upsetting me and i would like them to stop.....straIGHT UP.....and if it still continued.....i would walk away.....and simply say goodbye i will talk to you another time.......it might seem like i am into avoidance......but you cannot stand and be constantly put down and continue to have a positive frame of mind...so ...i walk away.....and it works for me..honesty is also helpful....tell them how you feel when they say the things they say that upsets you..i hope i have helped....deb.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 When someone in essences conveys.. take the higher road... sometimes guidance in finding that road can be a humdinger!!! Particularly when stones are being cast. Our natural instinct is to set ppl straight when false statements are made. And how we set them straight is thru lifting them up at the same time we are moving forward. such as : Gee Aunt Tilly you have quite the verbal language of sharing, care to use that skill to write a book? or start a blog? It gets the person to be complimented while still letting them know their words could use some editing:) I simply laugh and tell folks, wow quite the imagination you have there, and move along. My mantra is... what others think about me is not my business... what i value in myself takes precedence in a good way.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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