32... and feeling like a pile of emotional baggage

[wlh22]

Hi all,

Apologies for the long story. Bottom line is - I am 32 Male. Multiple romantic failures (dumpee in all), failed relationship of parents (grew up not seeing a healthy/loving marriage), not feeling close to my own family (due to the environment at home). Today is resulting in a very emotionally weak and confusing state of mind.

 

 

Any tips about how people can restore their positive self are helpful and navigate this?

 

 

Long version below --

I am 32 and I am starting to feel like a failure in life when it comes to love and relationships. I just don't how to deal with this and also how to become my old self where I was positive from within and was hopeful about people and life.

 

 

Essentially I was in a serious relationship and loved the girl with all my heart. I had no doubts about spending my life with her and I know she didn't either. But with time, issues started developing as we moved apart (education / jobs) and I think (looking back) neither of us were good at communicating and discussing issues openly and positively. Lack of time from my side due (study schedule), and lack of a solid commitment (engagement, marriage etc.) must have led to her feeling lack of attention and she broke up. I handled it terribly. This became worse when in a month I found out there was likely another guy in the scene. That was a very heartbreaking experience and it took me a long time to recover (almost 2 years to fully feel healthy).

But in hindsight I now realize how love isn't enough my itself. Relationships require other aspects such as commitment, taking next steps in a relationship, sharing, discussing etc.

 

 

Now I was 27 when I felt I was back on my emotional normal, knowing the breakup sad because it was two people in love at one point not being able to make it work. I took a couple of years to focus on myself, learn new hobbies and stabilize my financial situation (education loan). I really didn't meet anyone that interesting to fall in love but was 100% okay being single.

 

 

I had a bit of dry period not meeting anyone that fascinated me something serious. But at 30 I met another girl. It was high and dry because it didn't last long with her going back to her ex-bf. She was nice and honest about it. No hard feelings but I was sad another attempt didn't work out.

 

 

At 31 I met a girl online and we started LD. We both talked about looking for something serious. But after 6 months (and have met in person as well) when I started talking about next steps, I started getting the feeling she was just dragging. She was only 25 so I started feeling she was not in the same boat of life. It was a confusing experience as generally people say guys don't commit. Anyways, it got to a point where the conversation about next steps became ridiculous and I was forced to call it off without a vision for where the relationship was heading. She let it go as well.

But she came back to me in a few months apologizing and asking for another chance and how she wants to be with me for life. After a few months (LD again, unfortunately) when I moved back to my country (where she lived) she called it off abruptly saying she just didn't feel it. This was bizzare, confusing and painful all at the same time (and I felt disrespected as well, since she didn't even breakup, but just stopped answering my calls)

 

 

So today I am 32 and feel like my chances of finding a good romantic partner have gone down (age) and my emotional baggage I think has made me a very different person than what I was when I was 24. I am almost afraid I will never feel the positivity and love again.

 

 

All this combined with my parents' failed relationship and growing up in a house where mom dad don't talk to each other (like two houses within a house). My older sister going through her own marital problems (she wants to divorce) and self-confidence issues (due to her age and kid, I am sure she is afraid she won't find anyone else).

 

 

Again, sorry for the long story. But I am almost feeling sad about life. Instead of being this happy romantic popular (yes - I was popular in college) pleasant and peaceful guy, I am finding myself in a very difficult emotional situation (feeling needy about wanting a partner, feeling lack of love from within and afraid of future).

 

 

Anyone who has gone through similar experiences, please write with how you dealt with it. Thanks for reading.

[Gloria25]

I'll be 40 soon and yep, came from a broken, dysfunctional home. Never married, never kids and failed RLs.

 

Pretty much all of my sisters have failed RLs/marriages and kids. So far my brother is the only one making it.

 

I am upset, I get lonely and I just hate the dating world now a days. I must say IMO, the "quality" of people out there (single or attached) IMO, just sucks and makes me even more depressed about meeting "the one".

 

I think I'm a simple gal who just wants a simple guy who has a freakin job/career, his own stuff, isn't a slob and/or overweight..AND, who is ok with only seeing me like two times a week.

 

What am I doing to cope?

 

Lots of masturbation, sublimation (finding stuff to keep me busy/distracted), and bouts of depression. I'm going on 2 years w/o even having sex and/or a freakin' kiss. I mean, I could go get laid right now, but I want a bit more.

 

So, I'm frustrated and upset. Frustrated and upset.

 

So, I think I'm just giving up.

 

Feel better now?

[wlh22]

Thanks Gloria. I actually can't figure out if you are being real or sarcastic

[Gloria25]

Thanks Gloria. I actually can't figure out if you are being real or sarcastic

 

Lol....

 

While I am sarcastic, I meant what I said. I mean, sarcasm is sort of a twisted way to say the truth about something/someone

 

Glad to make you smile...

 

But sorry, I can't do nothing about the dating world out there

[d0nnivain]

Everybody has emotional baggage. The trick is to get it down to a carry on not a steamer trunk.

 

 

If you have never been in therapy, try it. Look around you in the real work for examples of good marriages & loving relationships. Just because you may never have seen it in your family doesn't mean you can start new paths.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

You're a guy so 32 isn't bad, a lot of girls are actually attracted to strong, confident, older men who have their **** together.

 

This is going to sound cliche but EVERY time I met someone it was when I accepted the fact that I am single and may be for a while and decided that if I was going to be happy with life I was going to have to do it alone.

 

So, what did I do? Hit the gym. Got an awesome dog. Got a mountain bike, and just went out and did epic **** on my own. Slowly I noticed more and more women checking me out, whether it was at the grocery store or at restaurants.

 

Eventually people just gravitated towards my positive energy. Now I'm back here because I got involved with a girl who I knew wasn't right for me (lots of red flags) but went for it anyways because she was attractive..

 

Lesson learned. Now I'm back at it again. Tell myself I will be single for a while and I can either be sad about it or make some new goals in life, change my environment, and just enjoy life.

 

Sorry for the long reply