jstwannaout Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 and I AM SCARED TO DEATH!!!!! I have been married for 15 years together for 18 years. and it has not been good for the last 7 and even worse the last 5. I have finally made the decision to move on and find happiness. I went and spoke to a lawyer and am in the process of gathering the money to retain the lawyer. My husband is the bread winner and 10500 is a lot to just come up with. My husband is a good man never cheated never abused me physically. Is very controlling and has issues but over all is a good man. I told him 5 years ago in marriage counseling I was not happy which has not changed as well as being gay. I wanted children he at some point changed his mind and took that time away from me and in that time I changed too. Well here w are years later and now at the same crossroads and I am more unhappy than ever. And still want children and still am gay. We have not slept in the same room for 2 years and not had sexual relations for 1. So last week I went and spoke to a lawyer. I know i am doing what is best for us both we both deserve happiness but it is hard to leave an lose your best friend. He is amazing guy and is my absolute best friend in the world just not what i want in a spouse. My lawyer says to serve him not say a word have him served and be out of town for the weekend come home on Sunday and then ready to speak about it. I don't want to be cruel in any way about any of this. Thi s seems mean. I am my husbands only anything. He has no other friends no hobbies I am it. WHich is a huge issue as well and he refused to fix it. SO therei s a little story and question is of course to listen to lawyer but does it seem mean or cruel to do it that way? THanks from someone who jstwantsout and to leave as little hurt behind as possible Link to post Share on other sites
regret143 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 If he is a good man as you said, and he is not the problem why not sit and tell him you are not in love with him anymore? I am sure he is also not happy. You might keep your best friend. Divorce doesn't always have to be a battle. You both may just have an uncontested divorce for a few hundred dollars, keep the friendship and have a smooth transition, but you are straight going to the path of war. I'm afraid your lawyer convinced you to do that, for the sole reason of making 10500 out of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jstwannaout Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 He is a very good man. When I told him I was unhappy and wanted out his words to me was I would be dead to him. There is no keeping the friendship. There is him being hostile and trying to make me stay like I did 7 years ago and 5 years ago and as he is very good at talk he is a salesman and a damn good one. I went straight to lawyer cause I want what I am owed out of this and he will not give me that without a fight. He will not pay the maintenance of 2000 that is about what he would ave to for the 7 years or make anything easy. My husband is a good man but a liar and that i know very well. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 He's a good man but he's controlling? Other issues go with controlling and some of them might turn out to be not safe for you. Only you would know. If you think he'll blow up, have him served. If you think he'll understand and let you go easily, tell him. But the 'dead to me' statement leads me to believe you might be better off maybe packing for the weekend, telling him you've gone to the lawyer and expect the forms to arrive, and you're taking off for the weekend. And then leave. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) It would be cruel to give your ex hope of reconciling and of you coming back; I think that is why your lawyer is counseling you to take steps to immediately go away. It will send the message that there is no getting back together...so he will move on. It's probably healthy for him to look at you as dead to him. There is therapy advice to actually hold an imaginary funeral with candles and everything for the end of a relationship. Studies on falling in love and domestic violence show that it's easier for the dumped to move on when the dumper tells them there is no hope whatsoever of being together ever. I would consider your continued presence--when you say you are his only friend, etc.--to be harmful to him when he really needs now to let you go and find other people and support. Edited September 29, 2015 by loveboid spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Author jstwannaout Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 I can his only anyone. Controlling yes is the perfect term. He makes me feel guilty if I make plans with friends cause henhas no hobbies or anything. I like the idea of being ready to leave and telling him he will be served causeni do love him I just can't do this anymore. A zebra doesn't change their stripes and at some point t decided he didn't want to share me his words and have children and made the choice for me. At this point I want him happy and time to take reign of my happy. I just am scared this man has been my life for 18 yrs. Scared of between life chnge but change is always Scarry....thank you for advice canc always use it Link to post Share on other sites
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