What if she's not as good?

[Nicholas]

Does your next romantic interest always have to be better than the last?

[moimeme]

I'd recommend it. Imagine being the person of whom your SO thinks 'if only she was like X' Nobody deserves to be second-best.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Nicholas

Does your next romantic interest always have to be better than the last?

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to compare an ex-lover with the new interest.

[tiki]

Each person is beautiful in their own way. What they contribute to the relationship will be different - yes.

 

You'll never truly appreciate the 'good' ones, til ya have a few 'bad' ones.

[Treasa]

A new interest usually isn't as good...until you get to know them and have the chance to fall in love. Then it all changes.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Are you talking about sex? If you are concerned, then talk to her, find out what she likes, tell her what you like. Whether or not it's good or bad doesn't depend on the partner, it depends on the "couple" and how you feel about each other and respond to each other, and asking for what you want and telling her what you need and vice versa.

[Nicholas]

No, not sex.

 

I just don't like her as much as I like my ex. I think my ex is prettier, I think she's a better person, I think that we related more.

 

I glorify her in my head though. I suppose no one can compete with the way I perceive her. It's proving to be quite a detriment to moving on.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by Treasa

A new interest usually isn't as good...until you get to know them and have the chance to fall in love. Then it all changes.

 

Couldn't have put it better myself

 

It's just getting yourself to give a new person the chance to show how great they can be that is the hard part. It's hard to feel much motivation to love a new person when you are still hung up on an old flame.

 

Does your next romantic interest always have to be better than the last?

 

Well, I do have what I call my "Upgrade theory"

 

I don't think you can ever be truly happier in a new relationship unless the person is at least as good as the last person. You can't ever go for a "lesser model." Must be of equal or greater value.

 

To elaborate a little bit...say for example that your most recent ex was a college graduate who kept in shape. You really can't go from that to a high school dropout who cares nothing about their physique. Or well...I know I couldn't. I joke all the time about "finding an upgrade" to my friends and they all agree. I mean, how many of you can say that your choices in relationship partners downgraded over the years? I would say it's the other way around, right?

 

What REALLY causes a problem is if your latest ex was of such high caliber that it's hard to find an upgrade (or at least an upgrade that would be interested in YOU).

[faux]

Originally posted by Nicholas

Does your next romantic interest always have to be better than the last?

 

There ought to be a few things that are improved over the last relationship. If not, the now-girlfriend to ex comparison will surely take place; this is not a good thing to have happen.

 

I think most relationships are entered with good faith. We hope that each new relationship will work out for the best. If a person is wondering whether or not his next relationship will be as good, or better than his last one, he may not be ready to enter into a new relationship.

[st8toftheheart]

Well as I have been told by other women, or atleast what they have told me is that its not about the technique. If you have a stronger love for the person the sex will be better. The technique stuff will work itself over time.

 

But then I get conflicting statements like sex is sex, regardless of the emotion ivolved.

 

So you'll have to choose the mantra that you believe in.

[tokyo]

Nicholas did not talk about sex.

 

You don't seem to be very convinced of her, whatever the reason might be. Maybe you should take a bit more time to heal, you don't seem ready yet.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Nicholas

No, not sex.

 

I just don't like her as much as I like my ex. I think my ex is prettier, I think she's a better person, I think that we related more.

 

I glorify her in my head though. I suppose no one can compete with the way I perceive her. It's proving to be quite a detriment to moving on.

 

In my opinion, it's best to wipe the slate clean before you try to start again. If you're implementing comparisons of a previous relationship to a new one it may be a sign that you're probably not ready to enter another relationship or the person you're considering really isn't someone that is a good match for you.

 

Each relationship I've had had problems. None have been perfect and not one person has been perfect. You just find the best fit and go with that one. However, the thought of comparing a previous relationship to a new one is odd for me - the previous one ended. Why would I take something that's starting fresh and compare it to something that is in the past? The last thing I'd want to do is to have something like I had before - the one before ended so unless I wanted to make the same mistakes, I'd definitely want a relationship that's different from the previous one.

[blind_otter]

IME, until you can get to the point where you aren't comparing your ex to your current partner, it's better to not be in a relationship yet. I never compare one to the others. Although my bf asked me last night how my previous LTRs had been bad, and what my parters had done wrong.

[Mary3]

I think you are not being fair to the next potential gf because she is not * like * or * better * than your last....the reason she isnt " *like * your last gf is because SHE IS NOT your last gf...she is Unique...she is who she is ...and should be respected and treated on her own merit. How very unfair you will be to yourself and to the next girl when you look at her and wish she were like your X

 

My opinion. You still live and breathe your X and this girl and no other girl will ever be good enough UNTIL you give that girl a CHANCE ...a Fair Chance !

 

You may change a porsche to a volkswagon if you indeed like whats under the hood....each car is different and one may be perceived to be the better car...but just like cars,....women are each individualized.

 

Please heal first before you hurt this new girl.

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by Mary3

I think you are not being fair to the next potential gf because she is not * like * or * better * than your last....the reason she isnt " *like * your last gf is because SHE IS NOT your last gf...she is Unique...she is who she is ...and should be respected and treated on her own merit. How very unfair you will be to yourself and to the next girl when you look at her and wish she were like your X

 

My opinion. You still live and breathe your X and this girl and no other girl will ever be good enough UNTIL you give that girl a CHANCE ...a Fair Chance !

 

You may change a porsche to a volkswagon if you indeed like whats under the hood....each car is different and one may be perceived to be the better car...but just like cars,....women are each individualized.

 

Please heal first before you hurt this new girl.

 

Word.

 

You are either a.) not over the ex (duh) and/or b.) just not that into this new girl

[moimeme]

Well, I do have what I call my "Upgrade theory"

 

I don't think you can ever be truly happier in a new relationship unless the person is at least as good as the last person. You can't ever go for a "lesser model." Must be of equal or greater value.

 

Totally agree.

 

To elaborate a little bit...say for example that your most recent ex was a college graduate who kept in shape. You really can't go from that to a high school dropout who cares nothing about their physique.

 

Don't agree. For sure you should go for someone more thoughtful, kinder, etc. but I sure don't think it's necessary - and sometimes even possible - to 'upgrade' with respect to appearances. My best bud, for instance, used to date the hunky football player types (never my type but no accounting for tastes LOL). Married one - who was a complete jerk. Now she's with a short, balding Italian fellow and he's a vast improvement in terms of how he treats her. The best hearts don't necessarily come in the prettiest packages.

What REALLY causes a problem is if your latest ex was of such high caliber that it's hard to find an upgrade (or at least an upgrade that would be interested in YOU).

 

That's for sure. Once you've met someone who has set the bar extremely high, you just can't settle for less.

[Treasa]

Originally posted by moimeme

Don't agree. For sure you should go for someone more thoughtful, kinder, etc. but I sure don't think it's necessary - and sometimes even possible - to 'upgrade' with respect to appearances.

 

I agree. However:

 

That's for sure. Once you've met someone who has set the bar extremely high, you just can't settle for less.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a matter of a person truly being such high caliber as much as the fact that we often put people on pedestals that don't belong on them. Unless we can look at our exes realistically, it's almost impossible to ever get over them and find someone that's as "good", even if the new person really is.

[lindya]

Interesting. You hear a word like "upgrade" and it has negative connotations of someone wanting a partner who is newer, flashier, younger and richer than the last.

 

I like the concept of upgrading to a partner who is kinder and more genuine than the last one. That sounds like the sort of upgrading adults do.

[moimeme]

I don't think it's necessarily a matter of a person truly being such high caliber as much as the fact that we often put people on pedestals that don't belong on them.

 

Not really. There are definitely people who are kinder, nicer, and more considerate than others. LS wouldn't exist if the world was awash in wonderful humans who make fabulous partners, now would it?

[Jadey]

I think you always compare exes with your new lover..

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Nicholas

Does your next romantic interest always have to be better than the last?

 

No. But you must perceive him / her more realistically than the last; after all that is a relationship that ultimately failed. Perhaps of your shortcomings, perhaps of his / hers. Rarely a relationship ends without the actions of humans contributing to it.

 

In an ideal situation, you would understand why that relationship failed. And avoid the mistakes of the past relationships(s), both on your part and on the part of the other person.

 

As for a person being "better", it all depends on your criteria. If looks are important to you, a comparison of looks comes natural. There is no simple set of rules which dictate what makes a man or woman more suited for you. It depends mostly on yourself, your character, and your integrity.

[amerikajin]

You know, words like "upgrade" sound bad, but love is a brutal process. Better to be brutally honest and cut through all the politically correct bulls*** platitudes.

 

I said it the other night and I'll say it again: love is a like a game of black jack. We're always trying to get that one last card without going bust. Do you stay, or do you go for one more card and risk a bust? Is there something better out there? That's the eternal question.

 

Cutting to the chase, if you're saying to yourself, my ex was better, then you haven't found the right one. Whatever you have has to be at least as good as what you had before. That person never will be, nor should be, the same as the other person; but that person should give you the same level of satisfaction in a relationship.

 

After any break-up it's common to end up in a few rebound relationships. It's better if you can recognize what a rebound relationship is before you actual get into one. In my case, I had several rebound relationships, thinking that only the first one was the rebound when in fact there were another two or three which were rebound relationships as well. You have to ask yourself why you're getting into a relationship in the first place. Is it sex? Loneliness? A search for the perfect partner? I mean, if you're lonely and just want some fun on the side, I suppose that's okay - as long as the other person knows the score.

 

Maybe this is a rebound relationship?

[Merin]

Perception is Reality..

 

Regardless of the reason(s) you may feel your new romantic partner isn't "As Good" it is your reality.

 

My guess is this has less to do with being ready to move on (so to speak) and more to do with she may be a great person but you just don't have the same connection with her as you did with Your EX.

 

I also think it's not unusual to build up our Ex's in our minds and remember selectively all the great things about them while diminishing the negative aspects regarding them.

 

IME it's always been a good thing to date people who were quite a bit UNLIKE the last partner.. IMO all to often when a relationship ends (and especially if it wasn't you who wanted that) then people tend to seek out a replacement of thier Lost Love interest.. finding someone who looks a lot like the EX or works in the same Field as the EX.. and it can be very dissapointing to you when you discover she/he still isn't your EX and very frustrating for the new interest when they're not being looked at for WHO they are.