Husband seems indifferent, among other things.....

[bingbong]

I'm 43, husband is 48, and we've been married for almost 13 years. Two kids. I stay home. Husband works long hours and commutes very far (75 miles one way) to/from work. He also travels out of state and overseas often, so I am alone a lot. We've considered relocating, but we have zero debt (house paid, cars paid, no credit cards) and I inherited a sizable estate from my parents, so the plan has always been for husband to retire early. Moving to a more expensive area and starting over with 30 years of house payments would put an end to that...

 

When he is home on weekends, his time is spent doing other things. He's doing yard work or decides to run into town leaving me and the kids behind. I often tell him he doesn't talk to me enough. He will talk about work often, but I'm clueless and he has little interest in what we are doing while he is gone. I'll tell him about things we did or our daughters activities, and I get one word answers. I'll try to talk about vacation or holiday plans, and he just agrees with whatever I say. I'll tell him I hardly ever see him and he doesn't pay any attention to me anymore, and he just says 'sorry.' He probably says, "I love you," 20 times a day, but his actions just don't show that at all. It's like he says it out of habit. All I get is an 'I'm sorry' and he seems indifferent about making any effort. He never and I mean NEVER suggests going to dinner or a movie, or taking the kids anywhere fun for an afternoon... NEVER plans or suggests anything. It's always my idea to try a restaurant or get out of the house and he just goes along with it.

 

We probably have sex about 5 times a year. The reason is because nearly every night he camps out in the bathroom for 1.5 to 2 hours, sometimes longer. I have timed him. I shower and will get the kids in bed for 7 or 8:00, usually before he is even home from work. He will purposely wait until 10pm to head to the bathroom to begin his routine, and it's midnight before he comes out and by that time I am fast asleep. On weekends, like last night - Saturday night - he sat watching TV and looking at facebook until 10:30, then locked himself in the bathroom until well after midnight. This has been going on for years and years and years and I have told him he is wasting days of his life in the bathroom.

 

I know his job and the traveling have a lot to do with it, but it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I have told him so many times I am unhappy and lonely, and still.... "I'm sorry" is all I get and nothing ever changes.

[Ronni_W]

bingbong,

It sounds...it's very possible that your husband is also feeling unhappy and lonely in his life. Perhaps only over different things and circumstances, and for different reasons.

 

Have you asked him if his current existence is how he envisioned his life would be at this stage/age? Between the two of you, you may be able to brainstorm changes on both sides, that'll help each one feel more fulfilled, useful, special and thus enable you to reconnect with each other on a new level?

 

If he hasn't figured it out yet, it may need the guidance of a professional to help him to get to the bottom of what's really bothering him/going on in the deeper realms of his Self.

 

Best of luck.

[Babs22]

That sounds like a pretty miserable marriage for you. I do not understand what he could be doing in the bathroom for hours, except waiting for you to fall asleep. Most guys can do a nighttime routine faster than any woman. Does he take his phone in there with him? He definitely sounds like he is detached from not only you but your kids. Which makes it sad for them too. He does not sound interested in anything, including changing how things are between you two. If it were me, I would be discussing divorce with him. There is no way I could stay in a relationship where the other person seemed to care less about my existence (or my kids). I suppose you could try to get him to counseling, but he doesn't sound like he would want to bother.

[TaraMaiden2]

bingbong (interesting name, btw....)

 

What do YOU want to do about it, presuming he's going to stay as non-committal and as laid back as ever....?

 

If what you're doing isn't working (and it clearly isn't) what do you think would?

[Popsicle]

He is probably just as lost as you in terms of what to do about this.

[hudson701]

I've just started a new job working long hours. It's tiring. Really tiring.

 

The man is probably really worn out. Consider that. Put yourself in his shoes. Acquire some empathy and feel what he feels. Women seem to fundamentally lack the ability to feel empathy and compassion for a man. For Their children of course, its no problem whatsoever. Perhaps because they see them as an extension of themselves.

[oldshirt]

Being in the bathroom a couple hours until midnight is one of the following things-

 

- He is communicating with another woman.

 

- He is spanking to porn.

 

- He is intentionally hiding and avoiding you by watching Netfix or YouTube or something in the bathroom untill he knows your asleep.

 

- He is mentally ill and has some kind of OCD or something.

 

Unless you want to get into other conspiracy theories like he transforming himself into an alien or growing some kind of killer germ-warfare agent or something, there is no other reasonable explanation.

 

I suggest hiding some kind of Nanny-cam and recorder in there and find out what he is doing in there.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not a big fan of spying on our partners unless there's cheating going on but I must confess I'm facinated to know what he's spending soooo much time doing in the bathroom!?!?

 

Have you asked? Don't you ever just walk in to see what he's doing?

[Nikki Sahagin]

My mind would jump to he is either watching lots of porn or having an online affair.

[stillafool]

You need to plant a camera in the bathroom and find out what's going on. It's either porn or another woman he's texting with.