Trying to reconciliate but not sure why my husband is acting the way he is

[RN1982]

my husband and I are to go to our first marriage counselling session on Wednesday. I moved out due to him being angry and abusive mentally and emotionally when he was drinking. My plan was to move out for a few months to decompress while we did individual counselling as well as couples counselling. He begged me to stay but my feelings of hurt were so intense I knew it wouldnt be beneficial. Now that I left hes done a 180 he is angry that I left and had told me he only feels 50% invested in trying to save our marriage. His main point of anger is the financial hardship that came with me leaving. I told him I love him more than anything and will do whatever to make sure our marriage comes first but it doesnt seem to make a difference. I just dont understand how he can go from saying i mean more to him than anything but since I left for a short term breather he is now not fully invested. Some insight would be great. Am i fighting a losing battle???

[casey.lives]

you will find out Wednesday at counselling. In 3 days you will know more.

[S2B]

my husband and I are to go to our first marriage counselling session on Wednesday. I moved out due to him being angry and abusive mentally and emotionally when he was drinking. My plan was to move out for a few months to decompress while we did individual counselling as well as couples counselling. He begged me to stay but my feelings of hurt were so intense I knew it wouldnt be beneficial. Now that I left hes done a 180 he is angry that I left and had told me he only feels 50% invested in trying to save our marriage. His main point of anger is the financial hardship that came with me leaving. I told him I love him more than anything and will do whatever to make sure our marriage comes first but it doesnt seem to make a difference. I just dont understand how he can go from saying i mean more to him than anything but since I left for a short term breather he is now not fully invested. Some insight would be great. Am i fighting a losing battle???

 

Did he quit drinking? If so, and he's still angry, he hasn't done the work needed to stay sober long term.

 

You should be living with his anger.

 

That's a firm boundary no one should compromise on. Anger is abusive.

 

You'd be better off on your own.

 

 

He can keep his anger to himself...divorce him.

 

I hope you don't have kids.

 

 

Do you work?

[RN1982]

Yes he has not had a drink since the beginning of August, however he has gone longer than this without drinking. He is still angry, he has always had a bit of a hot head personality. He is ex military and currently a police officer with the typical hard persona. His drinking would just amplify the anger to hulk status. We don't have kids together, I have a daughter and he has 5 children from previous relationships. I was just praying that he would take me leaving seriously since I threatened before and didn't follow through to be a wake up call. But instead he is angry and is withdrawing. I thought that us having some time apart while we each had counseling and then regrouping together for marriage counseling could save our marriage. I just really hate not knowing where I stand with him. This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.

[S2B]

Yes he has not had a drink since the beginning of August, however he has gone longer than this without drinking. He is still angry, he has always had a bit of a hot head personality. He is ex military and currently a police officer with the typical hard persona. His drinking would just amplify the anger to hulk status. We don't have kids together, I have a daughter and he has 5 children from previous relationships. I was just praying that he would take me leaving seriously since I threatened before and didn't follow through to be a wake up call. But instead he is angry and is withdrawing. I thought that us having some time apart while we each had counseling and then regrouping together for marriage counseling could save our marriage. I just really hate not knowing where I stand with him. This has been one of the most painful experiences of my life so far.

 

This is who he is.

 

Stop trying to change him.

 

You're dodging a HUGE bullet by leaving and ending the marriage.

 

Please follow through and divorce him.

 

Anger is no way to live. It will be living in hell if you stay.

[66Charger]

RN, he is angry because you actually left. You thought absence would make the heart grow fonder. For him it may have been abandonment. For some, especially XMilitary, leaving your post is a great sin. This may ne the disconnect. Which one is right? If it wasnt for the alchol, I would have said you should have done marriage counseling first before leaving. I hate when someone constantly threatens me with leaving. Pretty soon, you say, just go already. And when they do, in order to protect yourself, you start shutting down. This may have happened with him. He shut down to protect himself.

 

What should you do? Stay firm on the alcohol abuse and what it did. Your reasoning is sound. No matter the whys, you had to protect yourself. Be clear to him what the reason was for leaving. There may be more to this story, but taken at face value, he pushed you out. Each needs to own their dirt, and the abuse was on him.

Even if he is not all the way in, continue to counsel. If he doesnt own his alchol abuse and the damage it caused, then you may have to say no thank you. If you are going to fix it, fix everything. Your issues and his abandonment issue.

 

Deal with the pain, but neither of you should live in fear.

Edited September 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[turnera]

He is still angry, he has always had a bit of a hot head personality.

He is ex military and currently a police officer with the typical hard persona.

His drinking would just amplify the anger to hulk status.

We don't have kids together, I have a daughter and he has 5 children from previous relationships.

Seriously?

 

He CLEARLY is not marriage material.

 

You moved out as a form of manipulation, to 'make' him pay attention, and it backfired.

 

Thank God.

 

Until he is going to consistent, long-term therapy by HIMSELF, he STILL is not marriage material and you're spinning your wheels.

 

You also need to get into therapy to figure out why you settled for this.

 

But good job on moving out.

[doulostojc]

Your resolve to keep your marriage first is very admirable and commendable - it makes me sad to read about the abuse you endure from your marriage. Marriage counseling is a great first step to healing in your marriage, I'm so glad that your husband is willing to go with you. Are you part of a church somewhere? A church is a great place where often times you can find older couples that are wiling to mentor younger couples and give practical advice and support for both you and your husband. Repairing the marriage will be hard work, but the payoff is definitely worth it - there is always hope for your marriage even when the present looks bleak. I'll be praying for you!

[PegNosePete]

he only feels 50% invested in trying to save our marriage

That is not a battle I would be willing to fight. Why be 100% invested in someone who is only 50% invested in you? I would tell him that if he's not 100% invested in trying to save the marriage then it's pointless trying and you might as well divorce now to avoid wasting time, money and emotion.

 

You don't mention if you have kids, but imagine you have a daughter. Imagine that she is grown up and writes what you have written here. She is married to an angry, mentally and emotionally abusive, alcoholic man, who hurts her, and is only 50% invested in the marriage. What would you advise her to do?

Edited September 30, 2015 by PegNosePete