Bunnylove Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Help if you can! I have broke up with my ex over a month ago now. It's been a horrible process that I am still going through it. We tried to brake up on good terms but I still feel extreem anger and frustration about the whole thing. For those of you who havent read my initial posts, we were in a LDR but I was very close to moving countries to being with him, possibly marry him. I had alot of problems though with his ways with women. I tried to be open minded about it but in the end he was just pushing my boundaries way too far. When we were together I found many a card and photo graph of his ex lovers and girlfriends. He even kept journals which were more like little books of his sexual adventures. One day I was on his computer and I found naked shots of his ex girl friend. One of them was her topless and the other was her wearing fish net tights with no underwear and her legs spread open. I tried to be cool with it and talked to him. I tried to convince him to get rid of it. I didnt see the need for him to have these shots of her if he wasnt with her anymore. He says though that he doesnt get off on them but likes to keep them because it reminds him of that relationship and the closness he had. He also told me he has other photos of him when he had a threesome with another g/friend and thier lover. He says he doesnt want to get rid of any of these phtotos. I asked "but what if we were to get married?" he said he might consider it if we got married. To be honest, although I tried to be cool about it, I did tell him of my distaste about the whole thing. I thought it was disrespectfull of him to keep those photos, esp of ex girlfriend. i would just assume that ex's would get rid of things like that once the relationship was over. When i found out he cheated on me I decided to take matters into my own hands and I found everything I could of US doing sexy stuff on video tape and photos. He was FURIOUS! He sais he felt violated. We DID get back together for one last shot. But it didnt work out. I never gave him back the videos of me but I knowticed he had found some pics of me and they were on his computer. I decided to let him have them as we were back together at that point. He says its the only way he can feel close to me sexualy when I am away. But when I left, we broke up. he still has these pics and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that he can still see me in that way. Not to menion anoher girl or friend or WHOEVER might see them. That part of me is so extreemly private and I wish I never went as far as to take pictures. He KNOWS how I feel about this whole thing. I dont think just asking him nicely would get him to get rid of them. He is still hurting over break up and may want to keep them to remind him of the good times...i dunno...its sick really...but i can undertand a little! Do you have any advice, suggesstions? I really need him to deleet these pics, its just not fair that he keep them! anyone had a similar experience? Link to post Share on other sites
onlyhuman Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Just curious, were you aware that he kept old xxx photos of his ex before you did videos and photos with him? It would seem to me these are more trophys for him, scince he would not get rid of the other ex's photos I doubt he will comply with your request. Warning to others, this is how your most intimate moments can the next day be posted on the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Not really much you can do to get the pics back, Bunnylove. If he knows that you're anxious to get them back, then he's more likely to hang onto them just for the power-kick. Given that he's kept explicit journals and photos of his sexual exploits and ex-girlfriends posing for "gynie" shots in fishnet tights, I'm not sure I can envisage him doing the "gentlemanly" thing here and destroying all the intimate images. Best just to put the whole thing out of your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 No I wasnt aware when we first got out the old camera. We wanted to experiment and I trusted him. You are right though that these pics, journal entries and so are are like trophies to him.grrrrrr i'm so mad! He CAN be understanding though and I wondered if there was anyway to convince him to get rid of...no matter how difficult it is for him. I DONT want his next g/f or mates looking at them OR him for that matter. He doesnt deserve them now we are over! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Ummm, this is why I've never let ANYONE take pictures or video of me! I was married for over ten years and I never let him. That's giving someone too much power over me, IMO! Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Talk to an attorney/lawyer/barrister. It could be free or shouldn't cost you much for an initial consultation. In your jurisdiction you may be able to get a court to order him to destroy the pictures and you might even get the court to order him to pay your costs. An attorney should have some ideas about what to do and it shouldn't cost that much or with a little research you could probably do the work yourself for alot less money. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 If you are very concerned about this, I agree with Craig on discussing with a lawyer any legal options you may potentially have. Unless your ex is in any way abusive or violent, is there any way you could surprise him at his house and ask for the photographs/journals back right at that time? Honestly, I don't know if either of those strategies would be successful in you getting back ALL the photos/journals he has. As Lindya said, this guy has managed to keep "mementos" of other ex's; it's going to be pretty hard to retrieve everything unless you remember exactly what he all has and where it would be in his house. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Well you can't make him delete them obvioulsy. Everyone has nude pics of their GF's nowadays! (now LS-ers will bite my head of for saying "everyone", they will say "Not my BF!") But let me tell you something, some day some girl will not be cool about it and will delete all those pics. If my fiance had nude pics of his ex-GF's I would delete them from his computer. If he only dared to ask me what happened to those pics, I'd tell him: "What? Were you going to watch them and masturbate?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 19, 2005 Author Share Posted May 19, 2005 When I found the pics of his ex we were still in the early stages of the relationship. I don't feel it would have been right to just delete them and not tell him. Instead we talked about it and he explained to me that he doesnt look at them to get off, but would find it hard to delete them as they were part of his history and something he looks back on with fond memory....something like that. It was hard to buy but I trusted him. I thought...well one day when he is ready he will get rid of them....but you see he didt see any need to...not even for my sake! Anyway he KNOWS I will no appreciate him keeping the ones of me. But I thought there might be a way to write to him and explaine how wrong it is for him to keep them. I would ALSO like to explaine how wrong it is to keep a hold of pics of his ex like that. I'm not sure she would be happy about it either...but maybe she doesnt really care. She is not as shy as me. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 If my fiance had nude pics of his ex-GF's I would delete them from his computer. I don't get people who think they have a right to do things like this. What if you die? What if you break up? How dare you presume to destroy something which belongs to him? That's just plain wrong. Men, be warned. If there's anything on your computers you cherish, be sure it's backed up and kept under lock and key. You never know when you'll end up with a female who feels it's her 'right' to destroy your possessions. Yeesh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 19, 2005 Author Share Posted May 19, 2005 I agree that it isnt my right to destroy those pics of his ex as I wasnt sure if we were going to be together forever...we wernt married or anything. But at the same time it was things like this that led me to belive he wasnt putting his all and everything into the relationship as I was. It felt like he was holding onto his past and refused to let go. I think a previous poster was right that they are like trophies to him. It wasnt fair on me OR his ex's to keep pics like that! But it's not up to ME to delete them, i wanted that to come from him through understanding. In the end he never did get rid of them. But that led me to have little respect for him and also not trust him. However when i found out he cheated on me I DID take it into my own hands to take away the vidoes that WE made together. I HAD to take SOME matters into my own hands as i knew at that point we would brake up. I didnt feel it was his right to keep and watch videos of me being so intimate him. He blew that privilage when he cheated. He was very upset and furious when he found them gone. I still left the pics of his ex's. However we did get back together and found he still had some photos. I cannot go to his house and delete them myself. Firstly he lives 8000 miles away from me...we were in a LDR. Secondly that would be illegal to just walk in without permission and destroy his things without permission. there MUST be a way to get him to realise how sick this is....and how important it is that they are gone. One thing for sure is that I will never let anyone take shots of me again unless i am married! Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by Bunnylove Do you have any advice, suggesstions? I really need him to deleet these pics, its just not fair that he keep them! anyone had a similar experience? You cannot get this man to delete or destroy these images of you. You allowed him to take movies and photographs of you, so it is fair if he wants to keep them. If you did not want to be in this situation, you should not have allowed him to take naked pictures or make movies of you. Consider this a lesson for the future. Unfortunately, the only thing you can really do is realize that this guy is an ex, and have nothing to do with him anymore. You live thousands of miles away, so if anyone else sees those pictures, they most likely will have no idea who you are. Since you cannot get rid of those pictures, you somehow will have to deal with the fact that they exist. It isn't going to be easy, but I'm sure that after a while you will forget about it. A lot of couples will make movies or take photos together, and often those items exist after the relationship has ended. I think that, after a while, you will be able to get over this. I don't think it is going to help if you keep trying to convince this man to do what you want. The more you talk to him or focus on this issue, the more you may become upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Why would you be willing to allow him to take videos and pics like this when you already knew that he had the same kind of stuff from previous relationships?? Not to be rude, but c'mon, you had to know that it had a huge chance of ending up just like those other relationships. If he didn't get rid of their pics, he wouldn't get rid of any of yours if something happened. Probably not much you can do as far as damage control at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 20, 2005 Author Share Posted May 20, 2005 Because I DIDNT know he had other photos when we first got out the old cam and secondly, when we discussed the old pics of his ex, we talked and he says that she is the kind of person that wouldnt mind him having them. He KNOWS though that I am not the kind of person who would want him having them if we were to split up. Also when you are with somone, you don't start thinking about 'what if we were to split up'. You have to live as if as if ther was no end in sight. (at least that what I do). We were talking marraige here. It came to a very sad ending but I honestly didnt think it WOULD end. Now it HAS and I regret having let him keep such intimate shots. I thought he might be decent enough to let them go as he knows how I feel about them. It will be hard to talk to him at all about this as it didnt end that nicely. I know he still cares about me though and I guess I wanted some help with writing or contacting him about it. But I am getting to the point where I'm not caring so much, I just want to move on. I just hope they don't appear on the internet someday! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Just be grateful you're not a celebrity... your ex could've made a ton of money off you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 20, 2005 Author Share Posted May 20, 2005 Well thats another thing. I am not a celeb but i AM in the entertainment business and you NEVER know!!! I'm hoping for a record contract SOME day! And if that day arrives then no doubt I'll get stuff like this comming out! WHY does he feel such a need to hang onto these kinds of pictures of ex girlfreinds? Do you lot not think it's totaly disrespectfull to his future girlfriends?...not to mention the ones he keeps the pics of? Do you think his ex should know I have seen her with her legs spread? i have her email..but i have never met her. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 He's a smart businessman, that ex of yours... Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Ha. I'm in your ex's boat, Bunny. I have a few nude shots of my now ex-gf on my computer. I swore to her that I'd never show them to another soul and I'm sticking to that, but I'm never getting rid of them. Why should I? She was part of my life for a time and that went along with it. It's just another memory I keep letters that other girls have sent me in the past, and other things like that. Just because you're no longer dating someone doesn't mean you have to "erase" them like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.... Well...unless the relationship was something you'd rather forget anyway. As far as your situation...yeah, you're pretty screwed. Learn from the experience and don't expect that any relationship will last forever. You don't want to think that...but come on...be realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac Just because you're no longer dating someone doesn't mean you have to "erase" them like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.... Excellent movie, by the way (especially when Kate Winslet refers to her crotch as if it were a homing device, so that Jim's character won't completely forget about her. P.u.s.s.y. does it every time). Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac Just because you're no longer dating someone doesn't mean you have to "erase" them like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.... THAT'S what it's called! I remember reading a synopsis of that film and thinking I must watch it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 23, 2005 Author Share Posted May 23, 2005 Funny that was one of his fav movies! Well I dont thinks its cool to hang onto old pics of your ex's showing thier most intimate parts. I can understand keeping a few pics of ex girlfriends but THOSE kind of pics were meant to be shared as a COUPLE and NOT to be used AFTER braking up. I was not impressed to find pics of his ex before me...what will his next girlfried think? I DONT want anyone seeing those pics and I feel my ex had LOST that privillage to see me that way when we broke up! I dont find it respectfull towards me..his other ex's OR for the next relationship he embarks upon! Your right though I have leanrt NEVER to do that again...which is such a shame! I like to experiment when I am with someome I love and trust! NOW I will remember this and might never do it again! Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 bunny love as i read this post i felt my heart racing so fast with anger. i am furious and i can relate to what youre going thru. and all the should have's , would have's could have, comments from others is not the point. thats good advise for someone who never gave pics like that to their boyfriend yet, but not for you nor for myself. we did it . and now the idea is to try to get cooperation from this point on somehow. but yes we were dumb for lack of a better word. your ex sounds like the trophy hunting SOB mine was/is. we tried to please our men and make them feel happy and give them something LD. but you are right. thats a very personal thing and the relationship is over. i agree (even if i didnt do the same as you, which i did) that a person should get them back or the receiver should have the human decency to destroy the pics. i found myself in the same EXACT predicament as you. i found out he was writing letters to other woman, possibly seeing others etc. and so i took the films i made and edited them and took all the sexy things out. honestly i dont want him to have a video of me even waving hi. (maybe we can write privately about this if you want ). anyway, he got so mad at me for doing that. he said "this was mine". "how dare you sneak it out of the house ..and black out the sexy parts". "that was my property" he said. "you gave it to me". you know what? he was always talking about being fair and he was NEVER fair. and when he snuck pics of himself on the internet for a personal dating ad for himself, and he never mentioned it while i was dating him, was that fair??? he made all kinds of excuses when i found out. he WAS NOT FAIR. and then in the end, he set himself up with someone, before dumping me.(again through the internet and we werent broken up and he gave me no warning while i was preparing to be there with him and marry him) he is engaged to them now. he always justified everything he did. he wasnt fair. yet it was such a terrible thing i did to want to hide my body from him, when he had lied to me all the damn time and to want to hide the videos from the rest of the world too by editing them. well he just freaked. these types of people have the do as i as and not as i do phyllosphy. i always tried to play it fair and he was a freaking hypocrite i am glad i read this post because believe it or not i have been pining over this a-hole for near a year now. he practically had me brainwashed that i caused everything to happen the way it did in our relationship and that he was the so called "good guy". i second guessed my gut feelings all the time with this guy. i dont know whi i became with him. i wish i NEVER game him those pics. in the end he didnt care if i had no where to live , go etc. i planned years around being with him and then poof. "hooray for me and screw you " was his basic attitude. coward and creep. i am glad i am getting angry now and i want my personal photos back that i didnt get to destroy. and he probably still has my pics on his PC too. i want the videos back even if all thats left are the clean parts. he doesnt have a right to have access to your body anymore ..not EVEN in view form, and if he were decent and if my ex were decent and they know how we feel and what kind of people we are deep down inside after all the years we spent with them and they would KNOW we dont want them with something THAT personal ANYMORE. chit he was so overweight i could never even get a pic of him, he was so self conscious about pics. he since had that bypass surgery. how would he feel if i had a big fat pic of him on my pc and looked at it all the time and maybe showed the world? and he has kids too. what if he drops dead and they seee it on his PC. ? dang it goes both ways! they should get rid of those sacred things that was meant for a time in the PAST, and quit calling it theirs still. the human body is a private matter and it was meant to be shared for the time it was meant for and should now be destroyed now case closed. and when i get the nerve to call him up...(because the jerk is so egotistical he will think i am making some excuse to call him) i will call him and ask him to destroy all photos. in the meantime i will pray to God on it and ask that decency and understanding somehow manage to touch his soul and he complies and does the right thing. maybe we can call on the same day, you and i. hehe. just hope some reasonable amount of human compassion and decency surfaces in their hearts. but i know thats asking a whole lot of a selfish person, who want to keep something they KNOW hurts you. do you know what bunny? its the difference between a good guy and a bad one. thats what it all comes down to. a decent man i truly believe WILL do the right thing!! and believe there is a higher power that sees when you do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 24, 2005 Author Share Posted May 24, 2005 Thank you thank you thank you!!! Wow...it's weird that my ex was v.similar! He always went on about the FAIR thing too! I told him that LIFE isnt fair y'know. We are different people and there are some things that would bother me that wouldnt bother him. For example when we were still together, we would talm about the future and about sex. I told him I have never had a three some and he said he would be happy to do that with me if I felt the need as he loved me. But he was talking about brining in another girl!!! I meant a guy!!!I don't think I need to see him fck another women as I had severe jeliousy issues. This came because he has cheated on me twice. He never tried hard enough to regain the trust and was always going out with other women, dinner, movies etc and telling me he likes to flirt bla bla bla. It was too much to cope with when I was trying to get over the first time he cheated. He told me there was no harm in flirting but I wasnt sure...I think he went too far with his flirting habbits and I thought it was more like he was leading on oher women so they would chase after him. He said he would stop going out with other women but he didnt. He jus hid it from me. My gut was tugging at me trying to tell me something and I had to listen to it. In the end I found that he went out with a girl a couple of times and she said she had a crush on him. Of course this fulled his ego and they went out again. One time she was at a club where we went to see his friend and they started to flirt again. OfCOURSE she got the idea he was interested! so she went to kiss him...and he didnt stop her....but he never told me and I found out! We eveb tried to patch things up after that but it was no use. Anyway the fair thing.....he has told me about times in his past where he has had threesomes with 2 other women! He said that if WE were to have a threesome with another guy...it was only fair we do it again with another girl for HIS benefit! The thing was....THAT would hurt me soooo much.....I think he has had enough fun with women throughout his life AND when he was with me. I havent! And it wouldnt have HURT him if we brought in another guy...he would get off on it! if it were another women....I would end up very hurt and trust him even less (if possible). Fair? NOT! I dont belive in tit for tat! it doesnt work that way as all people are different and what might be ok with one person could destroy another! I'm not sure I'm ready to call him about pics just yet though. It's been less than a week since we last spoke on the phone. When I hear his voice I will no doubt melt and miss him and cry. I busy trying o get over him. I sent him an email ages ago with some pics of me so as to exchange them for the naughty pics. He didnt mention anything about the pics but thanked me for sending such a nice email! I KNOW he CAN be a decent guy but its hard to persuade him into my way of thinking when it comes to these pics. He already KNOWS that I am a very private person and that during our relationship he really got me to open up. I never thought he would go keeping those pics after all our talks. Who knows...maybe he HAS got rid of them by now but I doubt it. i really need to think of the best way to approach this. I'm thinking phone call would be best so we can really work it out over the phone. But then as i said it might upset me so i'm also thinking emails! I'm wondering if its best to wait some more so I'm over him that little bit more before I do this....or do it now and get it over with. I have to say though that I still wake up and think about him everyday and miss him. And I'm very upset that we are over. But I know I can never go back! Do you have yahoo messenger? or maybe send me email. would like to chat some more about this! Thank you again for your reply. It means alot to me.xoxoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnylove Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 So I finaly built up the courage to ask him one more time about those pics. I sent an email that got straight to the point and told him I was willing to talk if he still had issues with getting rid of them. I also pointed out that I felt scared by the whole thing but that I still cared about him. I got a lovely email back from him telling me that he wasn't quite sure what to do with them and that he did'ne want to destroy them. He said it would be hard for him to let go of our past. I told him in the email that I wasnt there to hurt him and so he said the same to me. He wants us to move on in our lives in peace and if keeping those pics hurts me then he wants to honor that. So he has deleted them. I sent another email thanking him and that I wish him happyness. So it's finally over. It's a little sad though. I still miss him every day. But it's good that I can now move on with my life. I might think twice about doing this again with another man though...which is a shame. But maybe I will be married one day to someone I can trust. Thank you all for your help and advice. xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Congrats! Note: He may have deleted those pics, but they're not permanently gone yet. A simple file recovery program will bring them all back. Sad but true. Just thought I'd stir up the pot a bit... Link to post Share on other sites
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