"I" don't exist...

[Inflikted]

I've come to a realization recently, while pondering on my various issues, and perhaps I've subconsciously known this all along, but what I've realized is that I don't actually exist. Er, let me try to explain that in a more comprehensible way.

 

What I am is the husk, the shell of a person. There is no "core", no "real me" below that. I'm a soulless husk, that puts on a fake "mask" when the situation calls for it (for instance, at work, I put on the facade of being a polite, kind associate), but none of those "masks" are really "me". And that's because there is no "me" inside.

 

I've been told by a handful of people in the past that I don't "open up" enough and "be myself" enough towards people. But how can I do those things when there's nothing inside, no "myself" to BE towards people?

 

Actually, if I'm anything at my core, it's a child. A weak, scared, timid, naive, inept, stupid child. I'm not an "adult", I'm not "a man". I'm a "child" that can't comprehend the world outside of my own little bubble, I'm a "child" that's terrified by that lack of understanding, I'm a "child" that doesn't know how to make their own decisions and desperately craves guidance for each and every step of living life.

 

I'm 26, almost 27, but the only "real me" that exists is a pathetic child. And honestly, I think as much as I try to hide that and cover that up, other people do see that in me, too. People look at me, and they don't see an adult, a "man", they see a child.

 

For all their struggles, all their hardships, all their decisions, most other people are "someone". They have an identity. And good times or bad, that "soul" is what carries them through life. But I don't have that. I'm, quite literally, "no one". I have no identity, I have no "soul". I'm just a scared, weak, inept child that doesn't know how to be "someone", how to have "identity", how to have a "soul".

[Justanaverageguy]

Interesting way to see it ..... I pride myself on the fact that I am still just a child inside. Its something I consciously try to do more of

 

Children are curious, eager to live life and excited to experience new things and discover what is around the next bend. For me to be more like a child is to live life with more intensity. Yes sometimes that means occasionally acting like a spoiled brat which I try to avoid .... but for me to see life through a childs eyes is to see it in its simplest form and to see that it has endless possibilities

 

The good thing about being a child is that they don't tend to focus too much time on "having an identity" or "how to be someone". For lack of a better word children just "are". Kids just live in the now and do whatever they feel like doing. Perhaps you should channel that inner child instead of the one you seem to be focused on now. Stop overthinking things and focusing on the negative. Take some time to still your mind - then focus on going where your excitement\passion\energy leads just you like a child does

[Satu]

"Neurosis is the way of avoiding nonbeing by avoiding being."

 

- Paul Tillich, The courage to be.

 

 

Do you understand that quote now?

[Inflikted]

Interesting way to see it ..... I pride myself on the fact that I am still just a child inside. Its something I consciously try to do more of

 

Children are curious, eager to live life and excited to experience new things and discover what is around the next bend. For me to be more like a child is to live life with more intensity. Yes sometimes that means occasionally acting like a spoiled brat which I try to avoid .... but for me to see life through a childs eyes is to see it in its simplest form and to see that it has endless possibilities

 

The good thing about being a child is that they don't tend to focus too much time on "having an identity" or "how to be someone". For lack of a better word children just "are". Kids just live in the now and do whatever they feel like doing. Perhaps you should channel that inner child instead of the one you seem to be focused on now. Stop overthinking things and focusing on the negative. Take some time to still your mind - then focus on going where your excitement\passion\energy leads just you like a child does

 

Yes, but some children are much more reserved and timid, and scared of the world, and rely on the adults in their lives to guide them every step of the way. That's more the type I fall into, when discussing being a " child ".

 

I have no curiosities or inhibitions. I'm inherently timid and scared of the world, and I don't know what I want to " do ", and whatnot. I have nothing pulling my interest or attention in any specific direction, and I seek someone that could be a " leader " to guide me every single step of the way through life. Which is unreasonable, as an adult.

 

"Neurosis is the way of avoiding nonbeing by avoiding being."

 

- Paul Tillich, The courage to be.

 

 

Do you understand that quote now?

 

I don't know. Sort of, I guess?

[SpiralOut]

We all have a child somewhere inside. You can choose to see it as "weak" and "pathetic" as you put it, or you can see it as something to be protected. Ask it what it feels afraid of, and find out what you can do to ease those fears. Reassure your child self that you will take care of it. This will help you to grow as a person.

 

 

You are already separate from the child self, otherwise you would not be talking about it in the third person point of view. It is a part of you, but it is not you.

[Satu]

Sometimes when I'm really feeling good about something, or having a great time, such as doing aerobatics over water, I say out loud, "Little Satu did/is doing this."

 

I want that child to get some credit for what has been achieved.

[regine_phalange]

Of course you have an identity. I think most of us discover it as the years pass. It's actually easier to notice other people's identities because they're something outside of us. On the other hand we live with our selves every day so sometimes we can't realise what makes us unique - we're used to it. Right now you notice this child, as you say, but once you tame it then you'll start discovering more things. Sometimes we get more in touch with ourselves through crisis and difficulties. You have your own crisis now, and you're going to get out of it stronger and with more awareness - just hang in there and be honest.

[regine_phalange]

Oh, by the way that's a very interesting thread!

Looking forward to other posts and for you to explain in more detail. I do think you're interesting and refreshing because you're aware of your weakness and you just put it out there - no sugarcoating.

[pteromom]

I don't believe it is because you have no identity and don't exist. I just believe your true self is hidden behind all your fears and insecurities and sadness.

 

I think you identify those FEARS as your child self.

 

But those fears aren't you. They are an obstacle to getting to know your real self.

 

And until you deal with them and learn to overcome them, you will never know who you are.

[pteromom]

I do think you're interesting and refreshing because you're aware of your weakness and you just put it out there - no sugarcoating.

 

Me too.

 

I would say you are honest, you are very introspective, and you are articulate. Those are already three things I see as part of your identity, and I don't even know you outside LS posts.

[Justanaverageguy]

I think you identify those FEARS as your child self.

 

But those fears aren't you. They are an obstacle to getting to know your real self. And until you deal with them and learn to overcome them, you will never know who you are.

 

Well said - and an interesting lesson I have learnt about life: That which we are forced to struggle for is what we decide to be most worth while. The joy and satisfaction derived from achieving a goal in life is inversely proportionate to the difficulty required to achieve it. Its the secret everyone knows but nobody admits .... we don't actually want it to be easy and the only real mission in life is to get through to more of your true self

 

No story was ever written about the man who got the girl easily or the man who climbed the mountain without great challenges to overcome along the way. They make for a boring story with no color or life in it. Inflikted you have a gift - a difficult challenge standing in the way of something you deeply desire. This my friend is the very essence of what we call life. You say you have nothing pulling your interest - yet you repetitively post about this very same topic continually. I think you might have found what is drawing your attention - this very challenge. Stop talking about it and go and live it. Push the scared little boy off the diving blocks and force him to swim

Edited September 28, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Inflikted]

I don't know how to "live life" or "have an identity", though. I know that sounds bizarre and puzzling, but again, that's part of my "child-like" existence. I can't even begin to comprehend how to do those things, how to be an adult, how to go out and create an enjoyable life for myself. I'm like the quiet, scared child that hides behind their parent's leg.

 

But even getting away from that analogy, I again assert that I have no "identity". A few trivial traits aren't enough to define who someone is. When it comes down to it, I'm practically a "robot". I have no personality, I have no real sense of humor, I can't really hold a conversation with another person, I have no experiences or anecdotes to share with anyone, I have no real interests or affinities, I have no practical skills, I don't really care about anything or anyone, I have no real sense of empathy or sympathy, heck, these days, I barely have any feelings or emotions at all.

 

I wear my "masks" for the outside world when need be, but they're not enough, and they're easily seen through, and beneath those "masks" there's nothing of substance. In order to gain friends, to date, to find a worthwhile job, you have to be able to "sell" yourself, and unfortunately, I can't do that, because there's nothing TO "sell".

[clia]

I don't know how to "live life" or "have an identity", though. I know that sounds bizarre and puzzling, but again, that's part of my "child-like" existence. I can't even begin to comprehend how to do those things, how to be an adult, how to go out and create an enjoyable life for myself. I'm like the quiet, scared child that hides behind their parent's leg.

 

But even getting away from that analogy, I again assert that I have no "identity". A few trivial traits aren't enough to define who someone is. When it comes down to it, I'm practically a "robot". I have no personality, I have no real sense of humor, I can't really hold a conversation with another person, I have no experiences or anecdotes to share with anyone, I have no real interests or affinities, I have no practical skills, I don't really care about anything or anyone, I have no real sense of empathy or sympathy, heck, these days, I barely have any feelings or emotions at all.

 

I wear my "masks" for the outside world when need be, but they're not enough, and they're easily seen through, and beneath those "masks" there's nothing of substance. In order to gain friends, to date, to find a worthwhile job, you have to be able to "sell" yourself, and unfortunately, I can't do that, because there's nothing TO "sell".

 

I think it's "safe" for you to take this position, because then you don't have to actually DO anything about it.

 

Oh, I have no identity, I'm a child, I'm not good at anything, I don't connect with people, I have no skills, blah, blah, blah. Therefore, it's okay if I don't do anything with my life. And that's all BS. You can be anything you want to be and you can do anything you want to do. You are young, articulate, and seem intelligent.

 

You've received a ton of great advice on this site in the past about things you could do about your situation, but you don't do any of it. You just keep making excuses and venting and all that.

 

And you know what? It's no skin off my back or anyone else's if you want to continue living with your parents, working a retail job, and wallowing in your misery for the rest of your life. We don't have to live your life. But that seems like such a waste to me, because I suspect you have more to offer the world. It seems like you want more, but you are not willing to take the necessary steps to get yourself there, or are too afraid to take those steps. And if you aren't willing, there is nothing all of us here on this Internet forum (or any of the others that you post on) can do to help you.

[SpiralOut]

 

But even getting away from that analogy, I again assert that I have no "identity". A few trivial traits aren't enough to define who someone is. When it comes down to it, I'm practically a "robot". I have no personality, I have no real sense of humor, I can't really hold a conversation with another person, I have no experiences or anecdotes to share with anyone, I have no real interests or affinities, I have no practical skills, I don't really care about anything or anyone, I have no real sense of empathy or sympathy, heck, these days, I barely have any feelings or emotions at all.

 

You are trying to define yourself with "things" like skills, knowledge, personality traits. Those things are not who you are. You don't need to have certain things or be a certain way in order to have an identity. I think what you are really trying to say is that you don't like who you are and you feel emotionally numb. That's okay, lot's of people have been there and you can work through it if you're willing to put the effort in.

 

 

I recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He talks a fair bit about identity. https://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/

Edited September 29, 2015 by SpiralOut

[Krieger]

I feel what the OP is saying in that you put on a front for people . I do it because I do not trust people too many back stabers in this world. Also i would never talk about my personal life at work it will just be used against me if I did.

 

It is scary to open up to people when time after time people you thought you could trust let you down.

 

For example i will not even tell my coworkers my birthday because I dont celebrate it for one. To tell the truth I have nothing to show for it turning 32 it is depressing.

 

It feels like I am stuck even thought I am going to college to get a career .

 

I do know this drinking and staying in bed all day not going to help so I am just going to work all day and go to class and but in a 20 hour day.

[Inflikted]

I think it's "safe" for you to take this position, because then you don't have to actually DO anything about it.

 

Oh, I have no identity, I'm a child, I'm not good at anything, I don't connect with people, I have no skills, blah, blah, blah. Therefore, it's okay if I don't do anything with my life. And that's all BS. You can be anything you want to be and you can do anything you want to do. You are young, articulate, and seem intelligent.

 

You've received a ton of great advice on this site in the past about things you could do about your situation, but you don't do any of it. You just keep making excuses and venting and all that.

 

And you know what? It's no skin off my back or anyone else's if you want to continue living with your parents, working a retail job, and wallowing in your misery for the rest of your life. We don't have to live your life. But that seems like such a waste to me, because I suspect you have more to offer the world. It seems like you want more, but you are not willing to take the necessary steps to get yourself there, or are too afraid to take those steps. And if you aren't willing, there is nothing all of us here on this Internet forum (or any of the others that you post on) can do to help you.

 

I never said it was an excuse to not do anything with my life. It's simply an explanation as to why I don't. I know it's difficult for a "third party" to understand, but what you see as laziness and complacency is actually my ineptitude to know what to do and how to be successful at it.

 

Advice here seems to come down to "try new hobbies", " go places and meet people ", etc. Which is well and good, but I never like anything, I'm not the least bit adventurous or curious, I don't know places to go, and even when I am around people, I don't connect with them anyway.

 

If you just see it as an excuse, as " laziness ", well, that's your prerogative. But again, it's more that I just don't " understand ", I don't connect with anyone or anything, not because I don't try, but because I'm inept that way, I don't have the mind of a capable, independent adult.

 

You are trying to define yourself with "things" like skills, knowledge, personality traits. Those things are not who you are. You don't need to have certain things or be a certain way in order to have an identity. I think what you are really trying to say is that you don't like who you are and you feel emotionally numb. That's okay, lot's of people have been there and you can work through it if you're willing to put the effort in.

 

 

I recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He talks a fair bit about identity. https://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/

 

Well, no, I do believe there's no "me" to like or dislike. I understand the notion of not defining yourself with material things, and whatnot, but what DO you define yourself with if not personality, skills, traits, etc? I have no "personality". I'm a bland, mechanical being, with nothing discernable, nothing to offer to anyone, nothing that makes me, well, me.

[regine_phalange]

Are you depressed?

[Justanaverageguy]

If you just see it as an excuse, as " laziness ", well, that's your prerogative. But again, it's more that I just don't " understand ", I don't connect with anyone or anything, not because I don't try, but because I'm inept that way, I don't have the mind of a capable, independent adult.

 

There are plenty of things I was born with no skill at. But to master something you are not naturally skilled at you must work on yourself continuously, never be satisfied with yourself. Always know that as you invest the time and effort on you that’s the greatest ability that human beings have above animals. A dog can’t be anything but a dog, a tree can’t be anything but a tree. Human being you’ve got unlimited potential, you can put effort on you, and by concentrating on you and developing you, you can transform your life no matter where you are right now.

 

The problem I see is not necessarily that you are lazy. It is that you have made it a "habit" to become a "self defeatist". I've studied neuroscience and the way the human brain works is that repetitive thinking patterns create ingrained neural pathways. The more you think a certain pattern of thoughts the more it becomes the "default" path for all thinking. Its like walking through a forest. The first time you go you must clear a path - and then everytime you go back it becomes easier and easier to take that same path as it becomes more clear and defined. This is all a habit is. It makes it difficult for your brain to venture off in another direction because this is the easiest way to go. It is the path of least resistance.

 

If you want to keep getting what your getting - then just keep doing what your doing. If you actually want to change your life - then stop talking about it, stop whinging and complaining, stop taking the easy road. Get some self discipline get out the machete and cut yourself a new and more difficult path. A mind is not a "set" thing. Neural plasticity is proven scientifically and it shows that no matter what you were born with it is possible to change your "mind" if you are willing to put in the effort.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Inflikted]

There are plenty of things I was born with no skill at. But to master something you are not naturally skilled at you must work on yourself continuously, never be satisfied with yourself. Always know that as you invest the time and effort on you that’s the greatest ability that human beings have above animals. A dog can’t be anything but a dog, a tree can’t be anything but a tree. Human being you’ve got unlimited potential, you can put effort on you, and by concentrating on you and developing you, you can transform your life no matter where you are right now.

 

The way I see it, though, most people learn a skill or learn to do/ be something because they had some level of desire to do so. They knew beforehand "I want this/ I want to be able to do this". I, on the other hand, never feel any such "pull". There's nothing I care about, there's nothing I have an interest in, there's nothing I feel compelled to pursue and develop myself towards.

 

And let's be honest, "hard work" and "determination" only take you so far in life. For example, the one time I DID feel compelled, and outright passionate, about something, was a career choice. So, I took the plunge, pursued my education in it, even had to invest a lot of money from my own pockets, but I did all that because I believed in it. And then I graduate, and spend the last 1.5 years scouring for any entry level opportunities I can find, contacting and sending my resume to every opportunity I can find, and where has that gotten me? Nowhere. I've not had a single interview, and at this point, my career, the only "passion" I've ever had, is a bust, it was nothing but a fantasy I was chasing after. And I have no "backup plan", because that was the only thing I felt I really had an affinity for, something I felt I could do well and continue to get better at and make a living out of, but I was wrong.

 

Now I'm back to square one, feeling extremely aimless, because I have nothing else pulling my attention or interest in any direction, there's nothing I feel I have an affinity for, nothing I feel I could really do well at with enough patience and learning, nothing I feel I could really "be". You can extend this same notion to seeking out hobbies or new activities, as well.

 

And that's just talking about things as far as career/ hobbies go. Let's talk about people now. I've been around people my entire life, in one way or another. Whether they be classmates or coworkers or other peers. It's not like I constantly run and hide from people. I've tried so many times to push myself to connect with people and develop friendships and relationships with people, yet I just don't ever seem to "get it". I can't connect, on even the simplest of levels, with people. That's not from a lack of trying nor a lack of effort, it's just because I can't seem to grasp the concept.

 

Are you depressed?

 

Eh? I don't know. I feel like I've gone through different cycles of feelings, over time. There were times when I was angry at the world and at myself. There were times when I was very sad and hopeless about myself and my life. There are times like now where I just feel absolutely nothing at all. I tend to cycle through these phases every so often. Whether that qualifies as "depression", I don't know.

[SpiralOut]

 

Well, no, I do believe there's no "me" to like or dislike. I understand the notion of not defining yourself with material things, and whatnot, but what DO you define yourself with if not personality, skills, traits, etc? I have no "personality". I'm a bland, mechanical being, with nothing discernable, nothing to offer to anyone, nothing that makes me, well, me.

 

 

You are your Being. That book I recommended can answer your question much better than I can, it's a concept that is difficult to paraphrase. Check your library to see if they have a copy you can borrow.

 

Do you have access to counselling? It sounds like you are very stuck at the moment and talking to someone might help.

Edited September 29, 2015 by SpiralOut

[Inflikted]

Do you have access to counselling? It sounds like you are very stuck at the moment and talking to someone might help.

 

What do you mean by "counselling"? If you're talking about "therapy", that's something I simply can't afford. It's not covered by my medical benefits, and the most affordable option I've been able to find still costs more for one session than what I make in a single week's paycheck.

[SpiralOut]

What do you mean by "counselling"? If you're talking about "therapy", that's something I simply can't afford. It's not covered by my medical benefits, and the most affordable option I've been able to find still costs more for one session than what I make in a single week's paycheck.

 

 

Sorry to hear that. In that case, I think that several posters here have given you good advice. Choose something that appeals to you and follow it, or browse self-help books online until you see something helpful. I tell almost everyone to try doing yoga - it can help people to reconnect with their emotions. I don't know if that appeals to you but I found it very helpful, as it got me through a rough time. Good luck.

[regine_phalange]

Eh? I don't know. I feel like I've gone through different cycles of feelings, over time. There were times when I was angry at the world and at myself. There were times when I was very sad and hopeless about myself and my life. There are times like now where I just feel absolutely nothing at all. I tend to cycle through these phases every so often. Whether that qualifies as "depression", I don't know.

 

Depression is not so much to feel sad or angry over specific things but to feel apathy and loss of vitality. You may not even realise it if it's mild, but even a mild depression can worsen your quality of life significantly.

[regine_phalange]

There are plenty of things I was born with no skill at. But to master something you are not naturally skilled at you must work on yourself continuously, never be satisfied with yourself. Always know that as you invest the time and effort on you that’s the greatest ability that human beings have above animals. A dog can’t be anything but a dog, a tree can’t be anything but a tree. Human being you’ve got unlimited potential, you can put effort on you, and by concentrating on you and developing you, you can transform your life no matter where you are right now.

 

The problem I see is not necessarily that you are lazy. It is that you have made it a "habit" to become a "self defeatist". I've studied neuroscience and the way the human brain works is that repetitive thinking patterns create ingrained neural pathways. The more you think a certain pattern of thoughts the more it becomes the "default" path for all thinking. Its like walking through a forest. The first time you go you must clear a path - and then everytime you go back it becomes easier and easier to take that same path as it becomes more clear and defined. This is all a habit is. It makes it difficult for your brain to venture off in another direction because this is the easiest way to go. It is the path of least resistance.

 

If you want to keep getting what your getting - then just keep doing what your doing. If you actually want to change your life - then stop talking about it, stop whinging and complaining, stop taking the easy road. Get some self discipline get out the machete and cut yourself a new and more difficult path. A mind is not a "set" thing. Neural plasticity is proven scientifically and it shows that no matter what you were born with it is possible to change your "mind" if you are willing to put in the effort.

 

What a great post, and what an interesting science! I didn't know this information. Gave me something to google before I fall asleep

[Rejected Rosebud]

It's an existential dilemma.

.