"I" don't exist...

[Inflikted]

Sorry to hear that. In that case, I think that several posters here have given you good advice. Choose something that appeals to you and follow it, or browse self-help books online until you see something helpful. I tell almost everyone to try doing yoga - it can help people to reconnect with their emotions. I don't know if that appeals to you but I found it very helpful, as it got me through a rough time. Good luck.

 

Nothing ever really appeals to me, though, and that's highly problematic in and of itself. Every time I do force myself to try some new hobby or activity, I just never really connect with it, and I can't stick with it. To me, everything just feels like a momentary "distraction" rather than a permanent "solution" to change my life in a meaningful way.

 

I've read a "self-help" book or two, but it didn't feel like they made any kind of impact on me. I really don't even remember anything from them anymore, to be honest.

 

It just feels like nothing ever really "works" on me. Nothing can seem to get through to me, nothing seems to "speak" to me, nothing seems to connect with me, nothing brings about any kind of "change" in me. I just feel like I don't know what the heck would work on me. I don't even know that I believe anything CAN work on me. Perhaps I'm simply too broken.

 

Depression is not so much to feel sad or angry over specific things but to feel apathy and loss of vitality. You may not even realise it if it's mild, but even a mild depression can worsen your quality of life significantly.

 

Well, I don't know. Like I said, I tend to go through swings of anger, swings of sadness, and swings of feeling nothing at all, on a rotational basis. Whether that counts as "depression" or not, is up for anyone's interpretation.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're actually discussing a Buddhist concept.

In part.

"you" do not exist, but you also - do.

 

It's duality and the discussion of Dependent Origination.

 

To say you exist is not conducive to good living, but neither is the thought process that you do NOT exist.

 

Enjoy.

[Inflikted]

You're actually discussing a Buddhist concept.

In part.

"you" do not exist, but you also - do.

 

It's duality and the discussion of Dependent Origination.

 

To say you exist is not conducive to good living, but neither is the thought process that you do NOT exist.

 

 

Is it, though? I mean, I guess the way I titled this thread and the way I spoke of it sound somewhat abstract, but I'm mainly talking about how there's really no "me" in the sense that I have no personality or character, no defining skills or traits, nothing to make me "me", and that instead, I'm more of a "shell" of a person going through the bare minimum motions of life, and not really "living".

[regine_phalange]

Well, I don't know. Like I said, I tend to go through swings of anger, swings of sadness, and swings of feeling nothing at all, on a rotational basis. Whether that counts as "depression" or not, is up for anyone's interpretation.

 

Depression or even dysthymia can make you really think that you have no substance or any interests. Especially if you have had it for a really long time. What if you are wasting your life just assuming that it's how you're wired, while having something treatable? Just saying.

 

Anyway. It may not be depression, I don't know. You may just be immature for your age and haven't "bloomed" yet. Or the "real" you may have been pushed aside for too long.

 

Don't you feel curious about what's the reason of you feeling like this? You seem to take for granted that it's who you really are. I'd doubt this fixation a bit more if I were you.

[TaraMaiden2]

Is it, though? I mean, I guess the way I titled this thread and the way I spoke of it sound somewhat abstract, but I'm mainly talking about how there's really no "me" in the sense that I have no personality or character, no defining skills or traits, nothing to make me "me", and that instead, I'm more of a "shell" of a person going through the bare minimum motions of life, and not really "living".

 

Well in that case, do something about it.

[Inflikted]

Depression or even dysthymia can make you really think that you have no substance or any interests. Especially if you have had it for a really long time. What if you are wasting your life just assuming that it's how you're wired, while having something treatable? Just saying.

 

Anyway. It may not be depression, I don't know. You may just be immature for your age and haven't "bloomed" yet. Or the "real" you may have been pushed aside for too long.

 

Don't you feel curious about what's the reason of you feeling like this? You seem to take for granted that it's who you really are. I'd doubt this fixation a bit more if I were you.

 

I dunno. I find it hard to believe that what I "have" is treatable, and that I can follow some regimen and all of a sudden start having interests and affinities and going out and doing things and connecting with people and whatnot. I think the only way that would be possible is if my mind could be completely wiped clean of all past thoughts and memories and whatnot, and just start completely clean. Which, of course, isn't possible.

 

As far as the "reason" goes, I honestly don't think I care about the "why" of it. All I know is that there is no "me". There's just a shell of a person that acts as a tiny, insignificant cog in the machine of life.

 

Well in that case, do something about it.

 

Unfortunately, that's not something my mind comprehends. Imagine asking a shy, timid, quiet toddler to perform emergency brain surgery on someone. That's how I feel when someone tells me something like that. My mind just doesn't comprehend how to "do" things. I can't wrap my head around doing this or doing that. I know that sounds bizarre, and weird, and it's difficult to even explain what I'm talking about, and the process that my mind goes through.

[regine_phalange]

I dunno. I find it hard to believe that what I "have" is treatable, and that I can follow some regimen and all of a sudden start having interests and affinities and going out and doing things and connecting with people and whatnot. I think the only way that would be possible is if my mind could be completely wiped clean of all past thoughts and memories and whatnot, and just start completely clean. Which, of course, isn't possible.

 

As far as the "reason" goes, I honestly don't think I care about the "why" of it. All I know is that there is no "me". There's just a shell of a person that acts as a tiny, insignificant cog in the machine of life.

 

You find it hard to believe but I've seen it on myself.

 

I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and I have to tell you, when it's these days, a switch comes off and I feel like useless crap, like no one, like I'm hopeless, like I don't have any place in the world and like I'm not made to live here. Sometimes I wish to die. I truly believe those things. I feel that the rest of the month when I'm feeling fine (which is most days) was an illusion. And some days later, boom, the switch changes back without something significant happening to cause it. And I feel fine again. It's scary how "we" and our sense of self can be affected by our body. So in your case, if it has happened for most of your life, then you can easily think it's who you are. I totally get it!

[TaraMaiden2]

Unfortunately, that's not something my mind comprehends. Imagine asking a shy, timid, quiet toddler to perform emergency brain surgery on someone. That's how I feel when someone tells me something like that. My mind just doesn't comprehend how to "do" things. I can't wrap my head around doing this or doing that. I know that sounds bizarre, and weird, and it's difficult to even explain what I'm talking about, and the process that my mind goes through.

 

What.... "Do something about it" can't involve a professional therapist?

You can't make an appointment with your doctor, tell them you believe you have a specific condition (depression, dysthymia or dysphoric disorder) and request a referral?

 

That would be the sensible next step, wouldn't it?

[Inflikted]

What.... "Do something about it" can't involve a professional therapist?

You can't make an appointment with your doctor, tell them you believe you have a specific condition (depression, dysthymia or dysphoric disorder) and request a referral?

 

That would be the sensible next step, wouldn't it?

 

I'm not "sensible", though. That's what I was trying to say; my mind works more like a scared, timid, shy toddler than it does as an adult. I don't "think" like an adult, I don't "process" the world around me like an adult, I don't "understand" how to do things like an adult.

 

Anyway, as I said before, therapy is not covered in my medical benefits, and the most affordable option I could find costs more for a single session than what I even make in a single week's paycheck. As far as doctors go, I don't really "have" a doctor, and honestly haven't even been to a doctor since I was a child, maybe my early teens.

 

You find it hard to believe but I've seen it on myself.

 

I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and I have to tell you, when it's these days, a switch comes off and I feel like useless crap, like no one, like I'm hopeless, like I don't have any place in the world and like I'm not made to live here. Sometimes I wish to die. I truly believe those things. I feel that the rest of the month when I'm feeling fine (which is most days) was an illusion. And some days later, boom, the switch changes back without something significant happening to cause it. And I feel fine again. It's scary how "we" and our sense of self can be affected by our body. So in your case, if it has happened for most of your life, then you can easily think it's who you are. I totally get it!

 

I guess. I dunno. On some level, I feel like there's really never been a "real me" that I can recall. Maybe there are disorders in play, but even if I sort through them, I'm not so certain there's really anything actually buried deep down. I feel very "empty" and "hollow", and I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. I just don't think there is a "me" somewhere deep down.

[skydiveaddict]

 

Actually, if I'm anything at my core, it's a child. A weak, scared, timid, naive, inept, stupid child.

 

Skydiving will cure that. For real.

 

Whatever scares you the most, do it. Run towards the fear, never away from it. It works. I've lived it too, just like you

Edited October 2, 2015 by skydiveaddict

[joseb]

I dunno. I find it hard to believe that what I "have" is treatable, and that I can follow some regimen and all of a sudden start having interests and affinities and going out and doing things and connecting with people and whatnot. I think the only way that would be possible is if my mind could be completely wiped clean of all past thoughts and memories and whatnot, and just start completely clean. Which, of course, isn't possible.

.

 

Well, in a way that is exactly what you have to do. Lay down new, different thought patterns to replace your old ones. Using the ideas behind nlp can help here.

It won't happen overnight, and it won't be as easy as reformatting a hard drive, but it is possible.

[Inflikted]

Well, in a way that is exactly what you have to do. Lay down new, different thought patterns to replace your old ones. Using the ideas behind nlp can help here.

It won't happen overnight, and it won't be as easy as reformatting a hard drive, but it is possible.

 

Maybe, but I simply don't have the strength or the resolve to pursue something so intangible and incomprehensible. And truth be told, even if I did, my pursuits always tend to result in failure. For me, there's no such thing as "work hard and achieve the result you desire". Every single time I've worked hard for something, every single time I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone for something, I always end up failing to reach the goals I'm looking for. For me, there is no difference between action and inaction, because both options lead to the same result -- failure.

 

Retraining my brain, reprogramming myself, that's nigh impossible. Still "possible", sure, but the amount of time and resources I'd have to pour into that are higher than I could afford, and even then, I'm too set in my ways as it is. I believe what I believe, I think what I think, I feel what I feel, and nobody is going to be able to convince me otherwise. What good is a therapist or psychologist or "professional" going to do when I'm so stubborn and set in my ways, and completely resistant to the entire process of it?

 

At the end of the day, there still really isn't a "me" inside, anyway. All there is is a weak, scared child, that can't "grow up", surrounded by a robotic shell of a person that can only interact with the world on a very bare minimum level.

 

And at this point in my life, there's not really much hope. I'm heading into my 30s very soon. You're expected to have a good grip on your life by then, and at that point, most people don't have patience or understanding for someone that doesn't know how to have interpersonal relationships, someone who hasn't had any noteworthy life experiences, someone who's not even been able to get started towards a worthwhile career. The time I had to figure all of that and become an adult has passed me by. I lost that time, and I'm about to be thrust into the next "era" of my life despite the fact that, mentally, I'm still about four "eras" behind.

 

I'm too "damaged" to be fixed, at this point. Maybe somewhere along the lines, years ago, someone or something could've stopped that from happening, but it's simply too late. And let's not go through the "It's never too late!" song and dance. It is too late for me. The question becomes, what the heck do I do with the remainder of my life?

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know if I ever fully bought into the "I think therefore I am" philosophy that I learned back in University, but it does apply here.

 

You just wrote one of the deepest, most soulful confessions about your vulnerability I've ever read. You may have problems in your life, but you are clearly not soulless or just a child.

 

Don't overrate how much the rest of the people around you are a mess inside too. Sometimes I feel like I'm half a step away from quitting life and just curling up in a ball forever and wishing it would go away... but then I realize that most other people are in the same state.

 

Being an adult isn't easy, we are forced to make decisions all the time that will affect us and the people around us for years, and we have no clue what we are doing. We guess our way through many of our most important decisions. I think there are very few people in the world who don't long for childhood and no longer having the need to make choices.

 

But we don't get back to that until we are old and feeble and in someone else's care.

[Inflikted]

You just wrote one of the deepest, most soulful confessions about your vulnerability I've ever read. You may have problems in your life, but you are clearly not soulless or just a child.

 

To each their own, I suppose. I don't really see how anything I've written proves that I'm not what I believe myself to be, but if that's how you want to interpret it...

 

Don't overrate how much the rest of the people around you are a mess inside too. Sometimes I feel like I'm half a step away from quitting life and just curling up in a ball forever and wishing it would go away... but then I realize that most other people are in the same state.

 

I dunno. The vast majority of people I encounter are "better off" than me in a lot of ways that I find desirable. Most people I know have friends and fairly active social lives and other people that care about them. Most people I know date and are in (or have been in) relationships and get to experience love, romance, and intimacy. Most people I know are fairly good at something, and they have some semblance of a fulfilling job/ career.

 

Heck, most people I encounter have all of those things. I can't even make one of those things happen for myself. I can't interact with other human beings. I'm not good at anything, nor do I have any affinities with which to do something better with my life.

 

I have no purpose, I have no meaning. I have no connections in my life, I have no one to share my life with, I have no fulfilling "duty" in life. I might as well not even exist. If I suddenly vanished right now, no one would even notice, no one would be affected, and no one would care. Most other people can't say the same; they'd leave behind friends, family, loved ones, a job that needs them, etc.

[passion_flower]

I think you're very hard and yourself and underestimate yourself a great deal.

 

You went to university and got your degree, that's a massive achievement. You must have learnt a great deal about yourself and the world around you from that.

 

Try not to let yourself fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others because that's just a negative spiral, everyone is on their own path getting to know themselves, there is no "set" age you need to know yourself by. Some people take longer than others, that's not a bad thing.

[Inflikted]

I think you're very hard and yourself and underestimate yourself a great deal.

 

You went to university and got your degree, that's a massive achievement. You must have learnt a great deal about yourself and the world around you from that.

 

Try not to let yourself fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others because that's just a negative spiral, everyone is on their own path getting to know themselves, there is no "set" age you need to know yourself by. Some people take longer than others, that's not a bad thing.

 

Eh, I graduated from a trade school, which isn't anywhere near as impressive or as much of an experience as getting a degree from an actual university. I really didn't learn anything about myself from it. I just went to class every day, and did the work required of me, and that was it.

 

It's not really about directly comparing myself to others. I'm just frustrated that I'm so late in my life, and I'm nothing, I have nothing worth living for, I might as well not even exist at all.

[BrokenManAgain]

I've come to a realization recently, while pondering on my various issues, and perhaps I've subconsciously known this all along, but what I've realized is that I don't actually exist. Er, let me try to explain that in a more comprehensible way.

 

What I am is the husk, the shell of a person. There is no "core", no "real me" below that. I'm a soulless husk, that puts on a fake "mask" when the situation calls for it (for instance, at work, I put on the facade of being a polite, kind associate), but none of those "masks" are really "me". And that's because there is no "me" inside.

 

I've been told by a handful of people in the past that I don't "open up" enough and "be myself" enough towards people. But how can I do those things when there's nothing inside, no "myself" to BE towards people?

 

Actually, if I'm anything at my core, it's a child. A weak, scared, timid, naive, inept, stupid child. I'm not an "adult", I'm not "a man". I'm a "child" that can't comprehend the world outside of my own little bubble, I'm a "child" that's terrified by that lack of understanding, I'm a "child" that doesn't know how to make their own decisions and desperately craves guidance for each and every step of living life.

 

I'm 26, almost 27, but the only "real me" that exists is a pathetic child. And honestly, I think as much as I try to hide that and cover that up, other people do see that in me, too. People look at me, and they don't see an adult, a "man", they see a child.

 

For all their struggles, all their hardships, all their decisions, most other people are "someone". They have an identity. And good times or bad, that "soul" is what carries them through life. But I don't have that. I'm, quite literally, "no one". I have no identity, I have no "soul". I'm just a scared, weak, inept child that doesn't know how to be "someone", how to have "identity", how to have a "soul".

First off, get over yourself.

 

You have not swallowed a bullet yet, so you're not weak by any defintion.

 

You're strong enough to be determined to face what life will throw at you over the most certainty of death ... which frankly is boredom! Yes, when you're dead, well, you're dead. What else are you going to do? Nothing. Not a god damned single thing.

 

Instead, you took on eveything life has thrown at you. You took on everything life has thrown at you! YOU TOOK ON EVERYTHING LIFE HAS THROWN AT YOU!

 

Yeah, you need help for the first time in your life. Whoopee freaking dooo! You're in a forum where everybody else is asking for help!

 

You want it easy? Swallow a freaking bullet. You want it good. Join the rest of the human race and survive your pain.

Edited October 12, 2015 by BrokenManAgain

[Inflikted]

First off, get over yourself.

 

You have not swallowed a bullet yet, so you're not weak by any defintion.

 

You're strong enough to be determined to face what life will throw at you over the most certainty of death ... which frankly is boredom! Yes, when you're dead, well, you're dead. What else are you going to do? Nothing. Not a god damned single thing.

 

Instead, you took on eveything life has thrown at you. You took on everything life has thrown at you! YOU TOOK ON EVERYTHING LIFE HAS THROWN AT YOU!

 

Yeah, you need help for the first time in your life. Whoopee freaking dooo! You're in a forum where everybody else is asking for help!

 

You want it easy? Swallow a freaking bullet. You want it good. Join the rest of the human race and survive your pain.

 

"Surviving" is not really "living", however. What good has "surviving" actually done for me? I've not learned anything from my experiences, I've not become a better, stronger person from my experiences.

 

The difference between me and most people is that a lot of people power through and ride out the bad times, and often, they find some good at the end of the experience that makes the struggle worthwhile. I, on the other hand, never get that "something good". My life is just a constant cycle of getting steamrolled by the world around me. I'm not "taking on" anything. At this point, I feel like I'm just coasting through life, constantly getting punched in the face by life, but mindlessly continuing to coast on.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You do have an identity: Consumer & taxpayer. Their plan is for you to die soon after retirement so you don't draw too much Social Security. Up to you to be the person you wanna be.

 

 

I'll guess you had a bad childhood &/or are a big momma's boy? I don't mean to insult you. A lot of people are slaves to their childhood & families. Doesn't sound fun or healthy to me.

[Inflikted]

I'll guess you had a bad childhood &/or are a big momma's boy? I don't mean to insult you. A lot of people are slaves to their childhood & families. Doesn't sound fun or healthy to me.

 

I guess. I dunno. I have a complicated relationship with my mom, and my childhood wasn't bad, per se, but it wasn't particularly special, either.

 

As a child, my mom was probably overly attached to me, and babied me a lot, and at the same time, she planted a lot of ideas in my head about being scared and paranoid of people and the outside world. I never made friends, I never socialized, I never went to sleepovers or birthday parties or that type of thing.

 

I was a scared, timid, shy, weak child that kept my head down and tried to just fly under the radar. Unfortunately, I never really "grew up". I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm "scared" or "paranoid" of people and the outside world, anymore, but I just feel so completely out of touch with it, that I just can't figure out how to interact with people and the world around me. I don't comprehend those things.

 

In other words, the emotions and feelings aren't the same, but my physical response is the same. People, and the world, don't make me nervous or anxious or scared, but instead, I just feel lost, confused, aimless, apathetic.

[BrokenManAgain]

"Surviving" is not really "living", however. What good has "surviving" actually done for me? I've not learned anything from my experiences, I've not become a better, stronger person from my experiences.

I don't believe that for one second. Whack a guy in the head long enough and he learns to duck.

 

The difference between me and most people is that a lot of people power through and ride out the bad times, and often, they find some good at the end of the experience that makes the struggle worthwhile. I, on the other hand, never get that "something good". My life is just a constant cycle of getting steamrolled by the world around me. I'm not "taking on" anything. At this point, I feel like I'm just coasting through life, constantly getting punched in the face by life, but mindlessly continuing to coast on.

The good is there. You just won't admit it. You're the toughest SOB you know. Nobody else but you had gone through the crap you went through with your handicaps.

[bluefeather]

Ok, I have read all of your posts in this thread now. I suggest therapy. And I know you say you cannot afford it, but I still suggest it. Maybe that could be a goal to try for. I don't know. But from what I have gathered so far, this is not an issue that any words here will be able to fix. If I couldn't afford it, I might consider looking out of the local area. Maybe there are more affordable ones elsewhere. Maybe a therapist in training would charge less. Since you seem to be speaking so openly, I will return the privilege in saying that I think I can relate to you in some way. I don't agree with your words, but I might be able to understand them on a certain level. From this level of thinking, these are the words I can offer. Therapy wouldn't necessarily be "do x and you'll get better." It would most likely be an on-going process to add to your life. Also, have you gotten into any kind of spirituality? Therapy and some kind of spirituality would be my only two suggestions. A therapist would be easier to follow, and God would be easier to afford. Just my unprofessional opinion.

[bluefeather]

I don't believe that for one second. Whack a guy in the head long enough and he learns to duck.

 

The good is there. You just won't admit it. You're the toughest SOB you know. Nobody else but you had gone through the crap you went through with your handicaps.

 

BrokenManAgain, I wish more people were able to see it that way, but I just don't think it's like that for everyone.

 

Whack a guy in the head long enough and sometimes, he'll become brain-dead before he learns to duck.

[BrokenManAgain]

Darwin Awards.

 

Those guys ain't here complaining. He is. Obviously, he learned how to duck.

[bluefeather]

Darwin Awards.

 

Those guys ain't here complaining. He is. Obviously, he learned how to duck.

 

I don't think it's that black and white, but to each, his own.